I feel like the black sheep of the In Laws

[Soosiesue]

This sounds silly but it is upsetting me. I’ve always felt treated differently amongst my “in laws”. We aren’t married but we have been together 4 years. A few horrible things have happened me and they have never asked am I ok, or how am I doing. I always had this niggling feeling I just wasn’t treated the same as the other DILs and SILs. It was my birthday last week and neither his parents or siblings wished me a happy birthday. I know his mum has everyone else’s birthdays on a calendar. He’s reminded them about my birthday on other years so they have been told when it was. I send every one of his siblings, BILs, SILs and nieces and nephews a card and present. Is it silly to be upset about not even getting a text? It’s the principle of not feeling good enough to be remembered. Maybe it’s because we aren’t married and don’t have children, when all the rest do. We do own a house together. My partner doesn’t understand

we both sign our own names and write our own little message

I find that strange tbh. Most people would have one person write the card from the family.

I sign off from Sandy, Mike and family ... or similar.

It seems a bit childish having individual sign offs in a card, when it's not from the team at work. Maybe that's why they don't take you seriously as a couple.

I don't know any married people or couples who do that.

Are you both quite young?

Stop making the effort OP, they really don’t appreciate it. Stop trying to please them

No we aren’t young. I’m in my late 30s and he is in his early 40s

I know lots of people like us, that one person writes the main part and then both write their names in their own handwriting, and add a wee personal note or joke or “p.s.” on the side if they want

I was married before, so I’m aware it’s a legal contract, but everything is covered legally, and has been since we moved in a year ago. Wills, etc. I meant it was a tradition as in it’s not for everyone, and I don’t feel it’s necessary in order to be a family

I just asked in my original thread if it was silly to feel hurt, and was I overreacting, as I am aware I’m a sensitive person. That’s what I was wanting from the thread, for the person asking

Thanks everyone for your replies - I’ll try not to be so sensitive and to take it so personal x

OP, no one has said you're being sensitive or taking it personally! In fact, we're saying the opposite!

It sound as if you're going to ignore this thread and continue to bury your head in the sand.

DILs and SILs

^But you aren’t their DIL/ SIL are you? You aren’t married. You are just their son’s partner

But you aren’t their DIL/ SIL are you? You aren’t married. You are just their son’s partner

This is how I see it too.

My DH has brothers who cohabit and I don't see them as SILS tbh. They're my BILS GF/DP.

They're very nice and being honest...I think they try too hard to make themselves liked.

They buy presents for my DC at Christmas and some birthdays...a lovely gesture that I appreciate...which kind of forces me to buy for their DC (who aren't blood related to DH).

On the flip side the other actual SIL (who is married to one of his DBs), doesn't make any effort... but it doesn't bother me.

This may not be your situation...but I find the ones who aren't married go the extra mile. It's like they're trying to establish their place in the family.

My MIL and FIL do not consider them as DILs. They like them...because they're nice ladies. There's no reason not to like them.
They send me birthday cards...but I don't think they do with their other sons partners.

I don't think you are unreasonable in feeling hurt, but unless you are prepared to do something about if, the situation won't change. If you want to carry on buying and wrapping gifts, writing cards etc for his family, then you need to learn not to be hurt when they ignore you, because I would suggest they are not about to change their habits.
FWIW, I don't understand the 'if you are not married, you're not an IL feelings. My dcs are not married, both live with their partners and have been together for several years. I consider the partners to be just as much my ILs as if they were married. They may marry, they may not, but my DCs have chosen to be with them, to have their own children, so to me, they are family. I treat them just as I would if they were married and we have very good relationships.

Oh, and I definitely remember their birthdays and make sure they have a card and a decent gift. X

Thanks everyone - I really appreciate it. I am not going to ignore the thread, at all. I have to take it all in and make a decision, I’m not just going to jump to a decision quickly in order to reply, but that doesn’t mean I’m not listening to what you are all saying - however I have said that I’ll try not to take it personal because I’ll have to do that no matter what I decide to do going forward.

Thank you especially bananasandsandwicheseveryday, for your reply - I definitely know they won’t change, but thanks for making me feel ok about how I feel. And for making me feel like it’s ok to decide what I want. I also believe that family don’t need to be married - my children will be blood related to them whether we are married or not, I will never be blood related to them whether we are married or not, so I personally believe it is irrelevant. I don’t treat my brother’s girlfriend and their child any different because they aren’t married.

I really do appreciate everyone’s replies. I am listening to them and will be making a decision, even though people think I’m not. I’m just not one to make a split second decision - and hey, that’s ok too!! xxx