New relationship + cannabis use

[Adele12345]

I’m looking for some advice with a new relationship and how to proceed. I met a lovely man about 4 months ago, we’ve been on some great dates, physically and emotionally everything was/is great for the stage we are at except for one thing, his cannabis use. I am completely against drug use and found out he smokes cannabis.

I did say I really didn’t like it at the time but didn’t stop dating him (I thought no harm as he doesn’t around me and it was just dating). However, he wants to be exclusive and be bf/gf. Before I said much, he said that he understands I don’t like the drug use so would be willing to give it up but that he’d need some time as he has been smoking for years. I made it clear that I wouldn’t progress further until he stopped smoking it. We could continue dating but wouldn’t be more serious till he had proven he stopped.

Now I’m actually really stressing out over it. I find myself wondering if he’s high any time he’s not with me. It’s making me so anxious and bringing back similar feelings when I had real trust issues with an ex.

I don’t know if I should:

1. persevere, give him a chance to quit while still seeing each other and try keep these feelings at a minimum.
2. break things off temporarily on the agreement that he still quits (since he said he wanted to anyway) and I keep working on my trust issues (I have no reason not to trust him, i know theses issues are mine)
3. any proposed alternatives!

Any advice from people in similar situations or relationships where only one uses drugs would be really appreciated!

You might get slated by the 'cool brigade' on here but the thing is, a deal breaker is a deal breaker. You're allowed to have absolutely anything as a dealbreaker and end a relationship (or avoid getting into one) because of it. It could be the way they eat, or their last name or anything at all. You've been honest and up front, but what I would say is that from past experience, the minute I found out he was into cannabis I would have been out of there. Expecting someone to change because of your own dealbreakers is a different kettle of fish altogether and that is when you start to enter controllingsville. Seriously, just end it now as he's obviously not right for you.

I've ended a relationship with a pot smoker in the past and I would never date anyone who used it, its not something I'm comfortable with. So I do get where you're coming from. I think you could potentially waste a lot of time here and you need to remember that you can't change others. The right man wouldn't need persuading as he'd never have been into it in the first place, do you get what I mean?

I think he's not for you. You are anti-weed + very intense.

You've only just met him yet are already anxious about what he's doing when not with you.

Bringing trust issues from your last relationship into a new one - some people may not take kindly to being expected to 'pay' for the actions of someone's ex.

But he's a weed smoker anyway so rather than having rules, agreements etc it's better to find a man you are compatible with. There are loads of men out there who don't smoke weed so won't cause you worry on that score

Honestly I'd just end it and move on, but that's because I'd be hugely turned off by the cannabis but also if you're starting a relationship thread 4 months in when you are supposed to be in the exciting period, well it doesn't bode well . That's just me though, others will disagree

I think if you don't want to date a pot smoker you should stop dating him. If he stops and you meet up in the future, great.

I wouldn't date anyone who smoked it. Dump - this guy is already making excuses to keep going.

Thanks for the advice so far! I think I agree he isn’t right for me, he ticks loads of boxes but it’s a deal breaker so doesn’t tick them all.

Totally agree I shouldn’t let past relationships affect future ones. I’m confident he isn’t aware and doesn’t feel too much pressure from me, in fact he was the one who said he wanted to quit and I said I wasn’t forcing him into anything. Just stating that I wouldn’t enter into a relationship with a cannabis user. He continued to push for making things exclusive etc so made that decision himself.

Hang on though, making things exclusive is just a phrase, it doesn't mean that before that you weren't spending time with him romantically when you knew you were both incompatible. You had the opportunity to leg it and didn't.

Hi OP.

In my experienced opinion, people who’ve been smoking weed for years won’t give up. It’s part of their life.

If he asked you to give up something you liked and thought was ok, and you’d been doing for years, you probably wouldn’t.

I think if you really don’t like weed you won’t like this man much 6 months down the line.

I am with a total stoner, he is dependent. I don’t smoke it but I don’t have a problem with it either. Unless he runs out as then he’s a pain in the arse. It’s why I think if your man is older and been smoking it for years, he won’t really want to give it up. It’s maybe different if they’re not as used to it/younger.

Move on to someone who doesn’t have the weed habit. Trying to make him fit will make you unhappy in the long run.

Oh no, I get that. I shouldn’t have let it proceed, that wasn’t fair of me. I was more responding to some comments re being intense, putting past issues on him or forcing his arm- I was trying not to do that and while I don’t think I have towards him, I have lumped the stress of it on me

If you don't plan on living with the man and are just spending time together, dating etc, and you like him, why worry if he doesn't smoke weed in your house?

You can enjoy what you have but not be exclusive. You may meet someone else who meets your criteria but in the meantime, you and your pothead man will have had a pleasant time.

I wouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone who smokes (including cigarettes). I don’t have a problem with drug use, per se, but it’s just not a good fit for my lifestyle. If it ever got serious enough that you were moving in together then you’d have to accept him wanting to smoke in/at your home. That would be a deal breaker for me. I think you just gently let him know it’s not going to move for you and you can both move on.

He's been smoking for years. He is NOT going to stop. You will never be comfortable with this so just do the right thing and end it. You're just setting yourself up for future misery and drama if you don't.

I'm a lifelong pot smoker. I gave up because it started impacting on my mental health. Most tokers are massively ingrained in it and super defensive as it's 'natural and non addictive' and all the other things they say to justify their dependency.
I would be very doubtful of his commitment to stopping for you. That way lies paranoia, anxiety and mistrust. You will never know but always looking for clues.
I have addicts in my family and have had relationships with addicts too. It's horrible never knowing.
If you have a problem with it now it's unlikely to improve. Don't worry about whether or not you look uncool , any relationship where one person has to change or hide lifelong habitual behaviour is doomed!
Sorry but four months is enough time not to be too gutted. See it as a lesson in learning your boundaries and will help you with choosing the next one.

He's drug addict.
Just end it.
It's your deal-breaker.
It would be for me too.
I've seen what this can do to people.

"a cannabis user"

My ex was a cannabis smoker when we met and knew I was anti drugs due to family history. He told me he stopped without me even asking and we got together.
The thing is he didn’t stop he just lied so it just meant he lived in two worlds and I honestly couldn’t work out why after 2 years he was still anti living together and I eventually found out he was still smoking . As I loved him deeply after 2 years I said I would accept the drugs but not around me... so we still didn’t live together and he still spent a lot of time out the house smoking drugs. We then became more distant and broke up after nearly 4 years.

My new partners ex was anti drinking full stop and I enjoy a drink every now and then but he couldn’t drink when they were together. It gave me a bit of perspective and I think now if there are signs in the beginning that this person isn’t a great fit for you then you just shouldn’t try as I’m sure there is someone out there for him that is ok with drugs and he can be himself around and the same for you.

My advice would be to leave on good terms and find someone that matches your lifestyle, morals and beliefs as no one should be changed to fit someone else.

He shouldn't have to change his habits for you and you're already worried that he's lying or not going to be able to stop smoking. Maybe you should see a therapist to work on your own anxiety issues before you have a new relationship. It's better to just let this one go though.

I don't think OP needs counselling just because she's anti-drugs.
Where did that come from?

No, no, no, no. Run in the opposite direction OP.

I was in your exact situation (in fact, are you dating my ex?) and it went terribly wrong. Do NOT change your views on drugs for him. What he is doing is completely illegal and damaging in so many ways.

I wouldn't be surprised if your next post reveals that he has mental health issues?

OP says she has anxiety and trust issues

He's a stoner. I'm much the same as you, that's a dealbreaker for me. I wouldn't date a smoker, let alone one who smokes cannabis.

I think starting a relationship on the basis of one of you giving up something for the other is an unstable foundation. There's got to be resentment there, and there's certainly a power thing whether or not it's totally unintentional. Then there's the what type of a person and what type of issues will be revealed when he stops. It's fairly common for depression, anxiety, paranoia, mental health issues or a just plain nasty personality to surface after somebody has quit "harmless" weed. Sometimes the weed was medicating it. Sometimes it has caused it. Maybe it'll be temporary, maybe it'll be permanent. Maybe it'll be delayed. Is this what you want to sign up for? How's the Perfect Man score looking now?

I would wish him well and you both move on. Maybe he'll give up totally independently and be fine; maybe he won't. Meanwhile find yourself a guy who isn't bringing the complication to the relationship.

1. You are not cool if you smoke an illegal substance.
2. Yes he may very well give it up, I speak from experience, I know loads of people who having smoked for years did give it up and many precisely because their partner hated it.
3. At least give him a chance, it's a good incentive for him to stop, he probably has others, this will add to the encouragement to actually stop.

Also completely disagree with the mental health issues, know loads of folk who still smoke a splif, their mental health is absolutely fine. I'd give him a chance.

He does not need you to give him a chance. He is what he is and he is smoking cannabis. This is one of your deal breakers here and you have every right not to continue in this relationship.

You have trust issues in any case; I would work on those further and before venturing back out into the minefield that can be dating and relationships.

It depends is it an addiction or just a fun thing to do occasionally that he can move on from easily? Without losing friends, pleasurable habits that have been integrated into his life, and also withdrawals from the drug itself?

To be honest, I know people who are addicted / have had long term relationships with guys whose first love is dope, and it’s not fun.

Basically, you have to be into that scene to be around them, as unless you’re into smoking cannabis as well, you notice and have to acccept so many negative behaviors... and as a consequence it does rip couples apart.

The specific problem with cannabis is that culturally it’s kind of accepted compared to other substances that cause addictions (like other drugs for example), and antisocial behaviour / ruining someone’s life etc... so unfortunately you can often look like you’re the uptight person with the problem if you object to your partner having an addiction to cannabis.

I should say that addiction is so much different to just smoking it socially and enjoying the effects.

Addiction means dealing with dope in your life on a daily basis and dealing with such negative consequences like, well, impotence, for example, lethargy, lack of concentration, short term memory issues, paranoia, depression etc etc etc... and from a partners perspective, simply never being able to sit for a whole evening and just enjoy it because the other person in the room is yearning to go outside and be with his first love which is unfortunately not you.

I wouldn’t even try and make it work under those circumstances. It just leads to pain.

Nowadays having seen what these relationships have done to my friends I would stay well clear, however 10 years ago I would have jumped into a relationship happily thinking that everything would be OK and that I was a stick in the mud to be worried about anything I guess it really depends on your experiences!