New relationship + cannabis use

[Adele12345]

I’m looking for some advice with a new relationship and how to proceed. I met a lovely man about 4 months ago, we’ve been on some great dates, physically and emotionally everything was/is great for the stage we are at except for one thing, his cannabis use. I am completely against drug use and found out he smokes cannabis.

I did say I really didn’t like it at the time but didn’t stop dating him (I thought no harm as he doesn’t around me and it was just dating). However, he wants to be exclusive and be bf/gf. Before I said much, he said that he understands I don’t like the drug use so would be willing to give it up but that he’d need some time as he has been smoking for years. I made it clear that I wouldn’t progress further until he stopped smoking it. We could continue dating but wouldn’t be more serious till he had proven he stopped.

Now I’m actually really stressing out over it. I find myself wondering if he’s high any time he’s not with me. It’s making me so anxious and bringing back similar feelings when I had real trust issues with an ex.

I don’t know if I should:

1. persevere, give him a chance to quit while still seeing each other and try keep these feelings at a minimum.
2. break things off temporarily on the agreement that he still quits (since he said he wanted to anyway) and I keep working on my trust issues (I have no reason not to trust him, i know theses issues are mine)
3. any proposed alternatives!

Any advice from people in similar situations or relationships where only one uses drugs would be really appreciated!

On a side note, I saw a respiratory specialiast the other day re my asthama.
On the assesment asked me about smoking cannabis.
I answered no. We got into a conversation about it and she told me there has been a large increase in cases of emphysema and other lung diseases (COPD) because of cannabis smoking. Apparently 1 joint is the equivalent of 4/5 ordinary tobacco cigarettes and because people tend to hold the smoke in their lungs for longer.
So, theres that too.
Anyway, back to the subject in hand.
I went through the living with a cannabis user and it was like dealing with someone on the other side of a heavy curtain. Until he gave up and an asshole was revealed.

I went out with a man some time ago who was a chain smoker (weed) and I didn’t mind particularly at the time as I lived on my own and had no children.

It didn’t work out but now I look back with relief that I didn’t stay with him as years on he is still smoking and he has discovered cocaine as well. He has never held down a job for any period of time and is quite scruffy. He looks as if he doesn’t take care of himself. I think the drugs are more important to him than anything tbh and I’m sure he wouldn’t have changed for me.

In your case If he was an occasional user in his student days or something, then he might gradually change but if he has been smoking for years I would give him a miss.

I am 100% with AttilaTheMeerkat

"He does not need you to give him a chance. He is what he is and he is smoking cannabis."

If you break up or do not 'become exclusive' he can know it is only his smoking weed that is the cause. He can address this and then maybe the next person he meets will be great with him, or maybe will look you up and you can date without the drugs being a deal breaker in the background.

You've already told him, he has had 4 months, do you want to wait until you are accidentally pregnant or until he proposes or until you can't live without him to find he can't live with dope?

Thank you for all the replies, especially those who shared their experiences.

We’re meeting this weekend so I’m going to call it off then. I’ts a deal breaker and I don’t want a partner who uses/smokes/takes/ drugs.

If he genuinely wants to stop then he can do it for himself. He has my number so should drugs be completely removed from the scene he can get back in contact if he wants!

Wise move. He's a fool of he puts pot before a good woman!

In my experienced opinion, people who’ve been smoking weed for years won’t give up. It’s part of their life.

This

We’re meeting this weekend so I’m going to call it off then. I’ts a deal breaker and I don’t want a partner who uses/smokes/takes/ drugs.

I think you're making completely the right decision. It takes a lot to let go of someone so well done and it will hurt but remind yourself you are doing it to protect yourself and to maintain your own sanity. Its very hard to love someone with a substance dependency. Some people can compartmentalise it very well, some can't.
Neither of you are wrong, just wrong for each other. Good luck xx