Recorded husband, what do I do next..

[takingflight2018]

I need some advice, we are in a very rubbish place marriage wise, talking about getting help..

but the last few weeks I've been getting very upset about the way dp turns really nasty in his tone of voice towards me, about numerous subjects, I'm just having to watch what we talk about.

But whenever I say "that was quite nasty, or abrupt" he just simply brushes it off, so this morning thinking I might be a bit sensitive I recorded our conversation, I raised an issue about his job, got half way through my sentence and he cut straight in with his aggressive response.

So now what? I've listen to it about 6 times through the course of the day getting gradually more upset and each time it's just reaffirmed that I'm not going mad, he's actually just a rude abrupt person.

So my question, do I play this to him? Do you think that will help him realise what I'm hearing maybe. I'm a bit unsure why I did it? And converted that this really is just the final nail in the coffin of my marriage.

I think it'll make him worse and more angry. If by you bringing up any issues it makes him angry.. then bringing up the recording is the same thing. I think you'll need to convince him to go to couples counselling, that way the professional will be able to be the mediator between you two

I also think he will be angry. I think he will deflect this back onto you for recording him without his consent so he can avoid confronting his anger problem.

Agree it will make him angry. Also agree on suggesting couples counselling. Find out how committed he is to you. People who get nasty like that tend to not respect their partners. Is this new behaviour?

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Worryingly as well you are monitoring carefully what you say to him to try and not set him off ( a dismal and thankless task. Has he accused you at all of being "too sensitive" in the past?.

If counselling is to be done here I would go on your own, you also need a safe outlet. I doubt very much he would attend any sessions in any case because he feels entitled to act as he does towards you. BTW does he act a lot nicer around people in the outside world?. He probably does.

If he is abusive, reasoning with him or asking him to put himself in your shoes (even with evidence) won't help. Sorry. Unless he talks to everyone like that he already knows what he is saying and that it's hurtful, it's just that he's given himself permission to do it anyway with you. There's also a risk that in showing that you've recorded him he will up the ante and give himself permission to pay you back for it in some way.

Read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that if you haven't already.

If you want to, maybe play it to friend and ask for support when you leave him.

I would ask why you need to convince him of something you know to be true. Do you want him to realise what he is doing so he can change or do you want to just convince yourself the marriage is dead and your are right to want it to end?

If the former, then I don’t think playing a secretly recorded conversation is a good way to approach the problem. I would instead tell him that you are not happy with the communication between you both and that you want to get some counselling. This should provide a safe context in which to get him to listen. Stick with the “I” statements about how you feel and what you hear when he speaks this way. It’s not about what he intended it about what your hear and feel.

If the latter, then maybe get some independent counselling, talk to real life friends you can trust and who will be objective or use this forum to help. Maybe all of the above.

A lot of people don’t get how their communication is bad. Behaviour that you don’t find acceptable may have been normalised for him. He may have no understanding of the impact and feel entitled or justified to close down the conversation that way because he finds it uncomfortable. Like people who throw little rages when they are angry and then say “it’s ok now” because they are over it, that “you should forget about it because it’s just how i deal with stress “.

So my advice is that you don’t need to prove he is speaking abruptly to you and you don’t need to prove how it makes you feel. It is your experience and your truth. But I think making the recording and playing it back to him would be a mistake. It could make him angry and that won’t faciliate a constructive discussion or improvement in your communication.

This tone of voice is fairly new, he's onboard with getting help.. and yes he's perfectly lovely with other people and the ds.. in fact this recording was in bed, because he's actually nice to me when we are out and with friends. It's just when we are alone this keeps happening, hence why I thought I maybe imagining it.

but the having to watch what I do and say has been progressively getting worse over the last 12 months.. The walking on eggshells all the time is exhausting me.

I have an ex like your husband, you become a bit desensitised to it, its a good thing you have recorded it, as I guess you were starting to wonder if you were going mad. If you think he might be responsive to it and feel bad about it, go ahead show him, use it as a tool to ask him to go for anger management or counselling (on his own).

If you don't think he will take it too well, then it only cements what you already know and you need to decidee if you stay like that forever or not. I wish I dealt with my issues head on years before it reached such a peak I had already started to despise my ex.

By the way, left nearly 20 months and he still hasn't changed. The only person that angers him so much is me. His anger and rudeness is a form of control. In the end you will stop communicating with him because you fear his anger and there is no way back from that.

Good luck whatever you chose to do, if I recorded my ex he would have gone mental.

He's gaslighting you. For your own sanity, think long and hard about your future with him.

Thank you for the replies, I'd like to use it to let him hear what I hear.. he always says " I didn't mean it like that" but I'm not sure he fully understands how he sounds.

I'd like to use it to help, not to make him angry or cause another argument.

@pudding21 exactly that, I did wonder if I was going mad!

takingflight2018

What do you get out of this relationship now?. The fact you cannot or will not answer that question itself speaks volumes.

Why do you think he is on board with getting help; what has he himself done here re this with no input from you?. He seems perfectly adept at blaming you for his myriad of issues, that is the hallmark of abusive people. Look at his parents as well, chances are one or even worse both of them act like he does. The facts too that you are yourself walking on eggshells (code to my mind for living in fear) and watching constantly what you say to him in order to not set him off) are indicators that you are in an abusive relationship with this man.

Another red flag here is the following. He may be perfectly "lovely" with other people and your son but he (your son) clearly sees how you as his mother is treated by his dad. Children are perceptive and pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here. What do you want to teach him about relationships and what is he learning here from the two of you?. Would you want your son as an adult to treat his lady love like you are being treated?. No you would not and its not good enough for you either.

I am not at all surprised this man is "nice" to you when you are in company; its part of the image he wants to maintain to outsiders. It is behind closed doors that his true nature emerges here.

Abuse is about power and control; it is NOT about communication or a perceived lack thereof. He can communicate but refuses to listen to your point of view, its his way or no way as far as he is concerned.

I would certainly talk to Womens Aid about all this and do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Do not enter into any form of couples counselling with him and do not let him see this book.

takingflight

He meant every word when he said such things to you. You are his emotional punchbag.

If you play back his words he will react badly to it and could accuse you of misrepresenting him, being oversensitive or some other crap he will come out with. It is no point at all in playing his words back to him.

You can only help your own self ultimately and you are too close and too over invested to be of any real help to him. Not that he wants your help or support anyway.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Thank you, I'm going to download the book it's not one I've read.. and to answer your question " not a lot" which is why we are in a bad place.

I've spent the last 15 years being the wife, mum, full time work, juggling and stressed and 3 years ago I had a breakdown due to this.

Since then lots has changed dh now does understand and takes on all of the domestic bits etc.. but now over the last 12 months the resentment the nasty voice, the threats to kill himself if I leave that's all started.

I did think we were back on track, but now I think not.. we've discussed separation but I'm just in limbo right now.

The threats to kill himself if you leave are manipulative in nature and more likely than not empty ones designed purely to keep you on the back foot and in line. Its worked and this is why such techniques are employed. Its one of the many weapons abusive men use against their chosen target. Anyway you are not and will never be responsible for his actions. He is, this is all on him here. It is not your fault he is like this and you did not make him this way.

You cannot help him but you can help your own self here by planning your exit from this relationship before he further drags you and any children here further down with him into his pit.

You have co-operated throughout but the abuser never co-operates.

He might not be aware of how aggressive he is being..The only time I heard myself on tape I was surprised at how much I spoke.I never gave my poor brother a chance to get a word in ..

I would think this man knows exactly what he is doing here. He knows full well how he is coming across, he is an adult or supposed to act as one after all.

@ferando81 that's what I thought, so he can hear what I hear.. but I'm afraid I've just got home and he's literally started again.

Talking over me in this nasty voice.. and 5 minutes later asking me really nicely "what's wrong"

I'm so close t playing the recording but I just don't have the energy for the row.

I’d say play it so that he can hear what you hear. Right now you’re going to leave him so it’s worth the shot that it might just trigger something in him that makes him realise he needs help

I suppose you could play it to him and his response will tell you what you need to know. But really you don’t need to do you?

OP, I'd actually say you need to leave this abuser. Threats to kill himself are attempts by your DH to manipulate you into staying. He's nice to you in public, but that's just a show, the real him is the one speaking to you so nastily.

Mine pulled several stunts after I left, making manipulative attempts to "kill" himself, only of course not suceeding. His last stunt involved one of our DC, which I can't forgive him for.

I don't miss the abrupt tones of voice, the walking on eggshells in case I pissed him off, the treatment of our DCs, I could go on. My self esteem is much higher now.

Thank you all so much, he's here right now just being so bloody normal it's really difficult to compute. I feel like someone has just switched a bright light on everything he's doing.

I'm struggling to behave normally.

Agree with Mophead^^. He's making sure he keeps you in your place and the suicide threats are trying to control you so that you'll stay where you are and he can carry on abusing you.

DON'T go to counselling with him. he's onboard with getting help Why am I not surprised. I'll bet you a pound to a penny that he'll go into it expecting that the counsellor will spend the time telling you all your faults and telling him what an angel he is to put up with you. And then when you come out he'll expect to be able to say 'see, I told you it's all your fault. I was right to treat you like this'. (NO therapist worth his or her accreditations would allow that to happen. But I've had couples in the past come in and that's exactly what the husband tells you is going to happen before you've even shaken his hand.)

As a counsellor you never work with a couple where one partner is abusive. But counselling on your own could help you to see how wrong his behaviour is and to find the strength to do something about it. The problem with living with an abuser is that it eats away at your self esteem until you become a shell of who you were, and accept the treatment he doles out because you're not sure you're worth anything better.

PS Switching from being nasty to being nice/normal is a classic abuser tactic. It makes you confused, and means you keep hoping that the nice him will come out and everything will be fine.

Don't play it as you will be called controlling & abusive.However you could suggest you record your conversations going forward. His reaction will be telling! I suspect he knows exactly what he is doing, since you tell him that his tone is off. He knows..just doesn't care, when contempt is now in the relationship it is usually not salvagale.

His behaviour is very symptomatic of an abuser..the nice & nasty cycle. I suspect whilst you did everything he was fine but once you had "needs" he is not capable of treating you as an equal.

I would also recommend reading Patricia Evans, the emotionally abusive relationship. This and Lundy will help you understand his behaviour.