Finally spoke to OW

[lightninggirl27]

I posted a while back and have since changed my name. A background I was with my Partner / Husband for 9 years but only married for 5 weeks as he met a girl on his stag doo and continued an affair for 2 months which resulted in her getting pregnant!

Long story short it has been 4 months and he has moved her in and playing happy families expecting the baby in Jan.

I was in absolute bits for 8 weeks but the last month and a bit have been better, going on a few dates etc. However during this time the OW has been putting public things on FB about how happy they are, how she will need Botox soon as can't stop smiling! people stay with people due to comfort etc I have blocked her but I always manage to hear things which is obviously upsetting. So of course I have retaliated on certain things as they have been aimed at me. I know I shouldn't of bitten but out of Principal I felt I had to stick up for myself especially as I am the innocent person in all this shit storm.

I had enough and through a friend she agreed to speak to me. I told her the truth how she was the 5th girl I have since found out he has cheated on me with. She claims she knows and knows he has issues but he is a changed man and blah blah blah. I wanted to talk to her purely as didn't want him spinning her a load of crap about me. I told her she was publicly posting things to upset me which she denies. Liar!
I told her we were trying for our own baby and that he had asked me to come off the pill (as he has been saying he was so unhappy) I don't think she knew this but she was making out she did.

My main reason for posting is that I thought getting my side would make me feel better but it has made me feel worse about myself. Like why couldn't he change for me? Why wasn't I good enough? I feel so low and drained from the whole thing.

I do wonder though why she would agree to talk to me?! If everything was so Rosie and she knew everything why would she agree to talk? Maybe deep down she doesn't believe him. Just a rant really and spilling my thoughts out.

I know I am so better off without him but just feel like I am the loser all the time. It's horrible and my confidence is literally on the floor.

Thanks for reading xx

She knows he's a wrong un and she wanted to know what you would say about him. She probably wanted to be able to say that she could see why he preferred her to you. It's probably all part of her deluding herself that he's a great catch. She'll probably contact you again when he fucks her over. She's done you a favour - but it hurts like hell.

I remember your story and it was really awful and shocking.

Don’t talk to her again. I don’t think there’s anything she can say that would make you feel better. If they’re happy that’s hurtful and if they’re unhappy then what they have done is unfathomable. You will just be going through agonies going over it all.

I would also consider coming off social media altogether.

Concentrate on the divorce party! Streamers. Cake. Fizz. Dancing. Bunting. I'd go for a hot tub too. (luuurrrvly in winter even in the rain!)

Thankfully you do NOT have a child with this prize bellend. She's stuck with him now.

Look out for her posts on here when he's on his stag do...

Happy couples don’t post every tiny little thing on social media.

Mostly it’s people who are trying to convince themselves.

It will take time for you to grieve and move on, take time out. Completely block and ignore her tell friends you don’t want to know. It just prevents you from moving on.

It will get better I promise. Just takes a little time.

And he won’t have changed, he’ll get bored with her too and cheat if he hasn’t already.

I remember your previous thread OP. Awful man.

You poor thing. You're not over this yet. And as she's still in the honeymoon period I don't think she's going to ever admit that things are going awry.

Like you say, how odd that she met with you. Maybe on some level she has some insecurities about his past. I think most people know that if they get with someone in those circumstances, there's always a chance it will happen to them. Karma and all that.

Please don't do it again. Don't put yourself through this. You need to find some happiness and this wasn't it. It was more morbid curiosity, I'd imagine.

Block everything. Take a break from SM if you must. Just take some time to grieve and find yourself again.

I'm so sorry that this continues to plague you but you really really are better off without them. Their actions were despicable and I'd imagine that would never even enter your head as something to do.

You have the moral high ground. Keep a dignified face on. Don't contact her again. Be confident in the fact that he will fuck up again... and please also bear in mind that we all post what we WANT people to see on SM. Not the real picture. She may have been boasting about how her life is all sunshine and roses when in reality, its probably very different.

He won’t change , he will be a cheat with her too she’s just lying to herself and trying to prove something on social media .
She probably isn’t emotionally intelligent enough to understand that this is his signature behaviour either that or she’s thick headed enough to think he will change for her. In two years time (if it even lasts that long) she will be stuck with his baby once he cheats on her & she’ll always have to deal with him in her life .
It may hurt now but you have really got the better end of this bargain. I took myself off social media (when my ex cheated ) and it’s helped me a lot. Remeber it’s not you , he would do this to anyone. It’s not you that’s defective , it’s HIM xx

Wow, thank goodness you didn't have children with such a lowlife scummy git. You deserve far better.

I know you're hurting at the moment and wondering if you had behaved differently, he would have been Mr Perfect with you too but in reality, he will never be Mr Perfect with anyone. He's a selfish arse and only thinks about his own needs. Hardly No.1 dad material.

The new GF is kidding herself pretending it's a bed of roses and her many Facebook posts give away how insecure she's really feeling. People who are genuinely very happy don't feel the need to prove it to the world. At some point, she'll see the light and realise what a foolish person she's being to shack up with a serial adulterer as he's very unlikely to change.

He's not a catch and you've done well to walk away without any long term ties to him.

In a couple of years, you will be eternally grateful for that, I promise.

Agree don't talk to her again. It keeps you emotionally tied to them, and to trying to understand. Talking to her or seeing their posts will keep the pain alive for you, so go no contact. Block, ask friends not to pass anything on. Take yourself off Facebook/Instagram/whatever you use.

Talking to her will never make you feel better - she has a different agenda to you, and it isn't to make you feel better, it's to make herself feel justified.

You are not the loser. You have escaped.

What do you have in your life that is good? Start to focus on those things, and make sure you are doing things that make you feel happy, or smile. See friends who make you feel good about yourself, and who listen when you say you don't want to talk about your ex.

Like why couldn't he change for me? Why wasn't I good enough? I feel so low and drained from the whole thing - You were good enough. It was HIM, his choices, his decisions, which make him NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!

If you ask yourself why, your brain will try to answer that question, so ask yourself better questions - like what would your best friend tell you to do right now? How can I make this better for me today?

I'd also make a list of all the things you didn't appreciate about him, and keep it to hand to remind yourself that you're better off now.

You are better of now, out of a relationship with a lying cheat. At the moment it hurts because you're in the middle the grief cycle, and you're bargaining - if only I'd been better, he wouldn't have left. It's part of the process of healing, and it will pass.

All the public posts are because she's trying to justify his awful behaviour. I should imagine she isn't fooling anyone, least of all herself. Say nothing, do not continue to engage, with either of them. Sit back and watch it fall apart. And if it doesn't? Well, by then you'll be well over it and won't care. Feel sorry for her, as he will do it again.
It feels like hell, I've been there. But it doesn't always feel this way. Xx

Of course she knows what he is, and so does everyone else. People will be laughing at her Facebook posts behind her back and when he goes on a bender to wet the baby's head and cheats on her, she'll get fuck all sympathy.

If I were you I'd book an amazing holiday for Jan/February and stay off social media til then. Post some lovely photos when you're miles away and happy and they're exhausted and bickering.

He’s now with the OW - so he’s created a vacancy for another OW.

You are so well rid of this nasty excuse of a human. Concentrate on you - neither of them are worth it

I will guarantee she didn't know anything about those things you told her, she would never admit that. She met you because she has her own doubts about him and wanted to hear what you had to say.
Despite her insistence he has changed, deep down she will know he probably hasn't. He will cheat on her too, its only a matter of time. Unfortunately for her, she has a child with him so has ties with him for life.
I hope you get through this soon OP, you sound like a lovely person who just had the misfortune of falling for a complete twat

If he was with you for that length of time and cheated, he’ll cheat on her no qualms and she’ll be stuck feeling how you feel now, whereas you’ll have moved on and be doing fantastically.

I remember your thread too OP and I'm sorry you're feeling shitty again but I think it sounds like you've done so well.

I cannot stress enough that if they are still together when the baby is born, a tiny little bomb will be going off that can blow even the strongest relationships to tiny pieces. A relationship built on deception and barely out of the honeymoon period doesnt stand a chance!

A selfish twat like him does not have what it takes to care for a new mother and a new baby without fucking it up.

While they have bags under their eyes and are carrying an extra few stone between them, skint and with no social life, you will be pressing forward with your fabulous life.

He cheated on you five times??!!! Congratulations on escaping what would have been a miserable marriage

It might not seem like it now but if he’s cheated on you five times she’s done you a favour. I’m sorry you’re hurting but hopefully in time to come you will find someone who doesn’t treat you like this.

Do not worry. He will have lied and lied to her about pretty much everything, it’s part of the love bombing. Karma will bite her on the arse trust me. In the mean time it’s a cliche but she did you a favour!

How did you find out about the other time he'd cheated?

*Happy couples don’t post every tiny little thing on social media.

Mostly it’s people who are trying to convince themselves.*

So true. I know a relative who has a profile photo of her and her husband on holiday standing on a beach looking into the sunset. She's cheated on him it's all bollocks. People put up what they want you to think. Truly happy couples rarely post schmaltzy over the top declarations of love because they feel secure in themselves and gave nothing to prove.

It's very early days. I second a break from social media will do you good.
Make sure this woman can't contact you again.

They make a very good show of being blissfully happy but the chances are he'll cheat on her when she's heavily pregnant. Those kind of men always do don't they? Or this time next year. Whatever. Not your problem anymore.
In some ways it's better to have a good clean break, devastating as it is. Than to have the OW contact you two years down the line.

Keep your friends and family close. I'd be interested to know what they thought of this man for the last nine years. Maybe they weren't that keen on him. You'd be surprised.

She has all of this heartache to look forward to with a child in tow....

She's hoping he's changed, she believes him when he tells her... For now. So when baby comes along how long before the gloss wears off, covered in shite etc, sleep deprived and he's out playing around again... 6 months, a year! She has signed up for a shit life tied to him.

I know you are hurting but it will get better. You will move on eventually and be happy.

OP I recall your original post. I think given the emotional turmoil you’ve been through you’re doing incredibly well.

It sucks when you’re feeling low and you see photos of your ex looking happy etc. but I wouldn’t mind betting that this will be short lived. He fact he could do this to you shows he’s pretty damn evil and at some point she will feel the full extent of his bad behaviour.

Same thing happened to me. Bide your time OP and in the meantime just enjoy being single x

So basically 2 virtual strangers are living together. Basically he is a typical pathetic man who needs a woman to look after him amd thier idyl will pop when sprog comes along. He hasnt changed he just has no where else to go

I did have a suspicion in the past with a few like gut feelings, could never prove it just feelings. However since splitting as it normally does things slowly start to come out of the woodwork. I have questioned some for my own sanity and they have now admitted. He even had me around these girls There was also a time when we was on holiday, went missing all night and then Found fb messages to said girl asking to meet again!
Wait there's more....he sold my mum his phone which was linked to his FB she looked and found messages from all sorts of woman. Fat girls, skinny girls, white girls and other ethnicities. No type. Just anything that would give his ego a boost. I ignored all this as believed him when he said it was just messages and he never acted. I had no concrete proof so kept kidding myself I suppose. Looking back now I feel so stupid and how could I let someone treat me disrespectfully.

Thing was the person he made out he was, wasnt the above to me and found it hard to believe the man I truly loved could be such a womanising loser. I am only just starting to see the manipulation, I was wrapped round his finger but he was smart let me think I wore the trousers so to speak.

I just hate the thought he changed for someone and not me. I wasn't enough to change for? I wouldn't have him back but can't get the niggles out my head.
Did he really not love me? Did he actually want to be with her or is it only because of the baby? It's constant and so mentally draining. He has made me feel so useless and not worthy since all this. I just feel like I don't know who I am, no direction. Just lost really.

Today has been a bad day but generally things are on the up. I feel angry a lot which I have been told is part of the healing process. My friends and family have been amazing but don't want to let them down so keep putting a brave face on and it's wearing me down. Maybe time to start thinking about me and my mental health.

Thanks for all your comments. MN really does give me an outlet and love reading your empowering comments xx

Do you really think he has changed? Why? Because she said so? Of course she would say so, to you, to everyone, to herself... How else could she justify being with someone like him? It's very unlikely he has, cheaters and womanizers like him very, very rarely do. And yes, people who are so happy and fulfilled in their relationship don't feel the need to brag and post about it all over on social media.

He wasn't good enough for you, OP. Please, please don't let him destroy your self esteem. He hasn't changed for this current woman; that's one thing you can be certain of. And don't feel bad that you let him in to your heart. This just shows that you are a person with a great capacity for love.

I know it might sound twee, but I do believe things happen for a reason and that reason is usually someone much better is meant for you. Please lean on your family and friends when you need to; your loved ones will not want you to keep it from them. Listen to them, believe them and take on board the advice they give you. They have your best interests at heart. If your post was written by someone else and you were reading it, would you be hard on them or think they were weak etc? Please be gentle with yourself. You need time to heal.

There's no need to put a brave face on it, you are justifiably devastated and anyone who cares for you will see that. And all the messaging stuff just confirms what a shifty character he is. I'd be amazed if he's not messaging other women and cheating on her already - she's hardly in a position to complain, is she? He showed her who was from the start.