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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel broken

49 replies

mammyto4 · 02/10/2018 13:44

Just wondering if any one can shine some light and I just need to talk to some one else other than going over this in my mind.

I am having issues with my husband of 3 years (together 10) he once in the beginning told me his preferred woman is an hour glass, tiny waist pert big boobs and a big butt. All of which I am not. This never bothered me in the beginning, I felt young and sexy. Fast forward all these years and the usual stuff that happened in relationships plus 4 kids a dog and some bunnies. And I am so far far away from that confident sexy young person I was. He sometimes says I’m too skinny, and my butt is small. My daughter has a lovely bottom and he once said she definitely doesn’t get that from you. He didn’t mean it nasty I don’t think but it cut me deep. I have an eating disorder and I can not for the life of me get over my body issues. And this kind of careless words hurt.
Now recently I cut all my hair off it use to be down to my waist but I cut it all short into a pixie cut and he hates it. Which now makes me feel like a man. I have short hair and a straight skinny up and down body. Not a hint of a curve or femininity. Lately I have noticed when we have sex (I always have to initiate it) he closes his eyes through the whole thing and barely puts his hands on my body. I feel horrible and ugly. To top it off I was feeling sexy one day and sent him a picture of myself. He just said totally uninterested ‘nice’ and deleted it. I know he has an album on his phone labelled just women with hundreds of sexy raunchy girls with the whole hour glass figure. He also constantly likes his bosses pole dancing pictures and other various instagram oldest pictures.
This kind of stuff never use to bother me but right now I feel broken.
I can’t bare to look in the mirror.
I have tried a vast amount of things. Force myself to eat more, exercise to see if my bum will get thick, (he always sends me butt exercise videos so have them a try) but it’s hard I work full time, my kids are all young I’m trying to run a house I have no family or friends for support so the last thing I want to do is get on my living room floor and exercise when I finally get the kids down. I try to male more of an effort, I try to do my hair and make up or wear nice clothes rather than sit around in my lounge wear. I have tried dressing up. Tried kinky things. I have tried date nights and romantic things. Tried the whole sexting but he never replies. I have tried talking to him about it but he says I’m being stupid. Or just walks off and sulks upstairs before we start arguing?!
I am lost. I feel alone. I feel utterly hopeless and desperately unloved.
Sorry for the long post I just need to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
BrightLightsAndSound · 02/10/2018 13:56

He sounds like am absolute cunt OP.

Can you envisage leaving him?

Also, are you getting any help with your eating disorder?

HereIgoagainxx · 02/10/2018 13:57

Of course you feel unloved. He is telling you what he likes and it isn't you. How hurtful.

In your shoes, I would leave. This man does not care about how you feel at all.

Do you think gaining weight would change anything? Is that why you are trying to put weight on?

Original poster
mammyto4 · 02/10/2018 14:03

Thank you for the quick replies.
The thing is he does it in such a way that it’s like passive aggressive? Or he pretends he was ‘messing’ so when I say that hurt he will just say ‘it’s just banter’

Yes I think if I gain some weight he might find me more attractive, he has said a few times lately I could do with putting on an extra stone or two. 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
mammyto4 · 02/10/2018 14:06

I have thought of leaving him a few times. I even told him I want a divorce and he promised me we would fix this he would change, we would go to marriage counsellor. We went once and he said it was awful and useless and he thinks we are all fixed.

I’m currently waiting for my appointment with mental health. I have had my first two assessments and just waiting to see the psychiatrist.

OP posts:
YouAreMyRain · 02/10/2018 14:06

There is nothing you can do to make him behave kindly and respectfully to you. It sounds like he enjoys being cruel and telling you that you're not attractive enough. If you had an hourglass figure, he would criticise it.

How old is your daughter with the "lovely bottom"? Presumably less than 10 years old. Why was he commenting on the shape of her bottom? That's creepy and I hope she didn't hear

Knittedfairies · 02/10/2018 14:10

What a horrible, deeply unpleasant man! Even if you do put on weight, you might not end up with the curvy body he likes. His put-downs aren’t ‘careless words’ either - they’re designed to hurt. Throw him out.

Teabay · 02/10/2018 14:10

If you got as far as telling him you want a divorce, I guess you probably do.
Tell him it's over.
Your MH will improve no end without him hanging around dragging you down. Then you'll fall for someone who really likes and fancies you, and it will be lovely.

Aprilislonggone · 02/10/2018 14:12

Next time sigh and say you wish he had a bigger dick...

fantasmasgoria1 · 02/10/2018 14:14

My first husband used to be very derogatory and I was a size 8. Nothing ever good enough. I got to a ten and developed an eating disorder because of him. Lots of other stuff going on but I have a serious mental illness in part because of him. I am with a brilliant man now thankfully. You have to seriously consider ending this. In my experience they don’t get any better.

Adora10 · 02/10/2018 14:14

He is absolutely putrid, why you are allowing one human being in the whole of the human race to belittle and put you down is the saddest thing to read.

He puts you down to make himself look big, and he knows he gets away with it, what a lovely person; he's a vile person OP and the sooner you realise this the sooner your MH will improve; he's abusing you plain and simple, instead of wasting energy trying to argue with him, put your energy into getting rid of the twat; bet he's no Tom Cruise, I bet he's nowhere hear perfect, his personality is ugly.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 02/10/2018 14:17

Tell him you prefer men who do x, y and z (pick things he isn't/doesn't do) repeat it over and over, put up pictures of men on the fridge, remind him constantly where he's failing to please you and see how he responds to your "banter".

Anyone who offends someone and then claims "banter" is a prick. No exceptions. It's a word used solely to excuse shitty behaviour, to mask bullshit when you call someone on it. Call him out on it and tell him what an out and out disaster of a Husband he is.

You don't have a self-esteem problem. You're simply married to someone who has destroyed your self-esteem. Once he's gone I'm certain it'll improve.

Original poster
mammyto4 · 02/10/2018 14:20

I don’t know how to tag on here.
She was being picked on by some girls at school because her bottom wouldn’t fit in this box they were playing with hence the conversation about her bottom. I tried to tell her that her bottom isn’t fat and she isn’t fat my husband just said ‘you are perfect. Look daddy has a big bottom.’ He tried making a joke out of it to make her laugh. Then later when we discussed it privately (my concerns for her thinking she is fat) he said referring to her bottom that she doesn’t get it from me. Which obviously means I don’t have a butt. He always says my bum is boney. 😔

OP posts:
sadkoala · 02/10/2018 14:42

OP just one question for you to really mull over - what would you advise your daughter if it was her what started this thread?

Because I'm pretty sure you would tell her to LTB and stop trying to change herself in order to please the disgusting asshole.

sadkoala · 02/10/2018 14:43

Her who started this thread *

Not what 😑

BrightLightsAndSound · 02/10/2018 15:34

Which came first OP, your eating disorder or this "man"?

notapizzaeater · 02/10/2018 15:44

Would you be happy if someone was saying this to your daughter or mum ? He's a dick !

Musti · 02/10/2018 15:49

I take it he's absolutely gorgeous with a 6 pack, muscles etc??? And he also pulls his weight with the house and kids to allow you to take some pamper, exercise etc time?

What an arsehole.

SelinaMyers · 02/10/2018 15:49

What a wanker! I’m guessing he looks like Chris Hemsworth or Idria Elba? He’s trying to control you by making you feel like nothing.

Qcumber · 02/10/2018 15:55

He's abusing you. He's ripping you down until you have no self esteem left. It seems as though he's succeeded. This way you won't leave him because you will believe you can't do any better.
But you can. You deserve so much more than this. Leave him and in time I promise you will feel so much better about yourself and you'll wonder why you let this pathetic man determine how you view yourself x

CoconutQueen · 02/10/2018 16:00

He has an album on his phone totally dedicated to raunchy pictures of women??

Good grief. That alone is reason to separate from this man; let alone everything else. You deserve more OP.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/10/2018 16:16

I'm afraid he sounds really similar to my first husband. He'd make these "jokes" about my appearance, then say it was "just harmless banter". It got worse and worse. I was on antidepressants, had counselling, and was just constantly depressed.

The feeling when we eventually split up was like the sun coming out!

Physical attraction is important in marriage, but if a Barbie-doll figure was so essential to him, why did he bother marrying you, only to then criticise you? It's just unforgivable. Really cruel and selfish.

Original poster
mammyto4 · 02/10/2018 17:17

Sorry just sorting out dinner for the tribe.

It’s horrible because when we are good we are really good. We have all the same interests. We love gaming together, we hike a lot as a family, we love the same kind of music, both like gigs, like similar movies and are both working in the same profession he’s a barber I’m a hairdresser (we were hoping to one day open our own salon) but from time to time (from the very start of our relationship) and more so recently he has been like this. He has always been controlling but only have seen sense this last year. Honestly what I have said above is just a snippet.
He defo isn’t a ‘hunk’ he is average body not on the large side but not ripped or toned either. He is older than me by 13 years. He is 42.
I think in the beginning i was only 20 (18 when we first met and started dating as such but didn’t get together properly until I was 20) so i just ignores all the red flags being young and nieve and totally smitten with this older man. Now I’m a matured woman and realise this behaviour isn’t normal. It’s so hard to leave when you love that person and the thought of the kids not having him at home with us breaks my heart. They adore him. Even if he is a lazy arse!

If my daughters ever told me her fella was treating them like this I’d be furious.

My eating disorder started when I was 15. I got help and seemed to be over the worst but slowly Anna crept back with out me even noticing. I just brushed it off when it was tea time saying I’m not hungry. I even became vegetarian to hide it. Its easier to cook a nice meaty healthy meal for the family and just make myself a small bit of veggie stuff and not eat it.

I’m on antidepressants and waiting for counselling. It sometimes feels like a never ending tunnel of darkness where I have to hide it, I know kids can sense these things but I try my best to smile and laugh and do all the mummy stuff that makes them feel safe and happy.

He sure has, if I knew how to upload a photo you will be shocked.
I hate how he has snap chat and a lot of sexy girls in there, and on his Instagram and Facebook. I am not allowed to have snap chat or Instagram. And if I dare say a mutual male bloke tried friending me on Facebook I have to prepare for worldwar3! I once had a mutual male friend try adding me I didn’t accept it and he was so cross about it. Yet he drove 300 miles back home just to comfort a female friend who I have never heard of before this! And he added a girl (an ex friend of mine)in our town who tried it on with him when he took her home when she was too drunk.

Wow the more I write the more crazy it all sounds.

OP posts:
Musti · 02/10/2018 17:23

Woah. He's controlling, jealous and abusive. The only reason why hed saying stuff about your body is to keep you on your toes and take away your confidence because he's insecure that you'll run off with someone. He's also obviously protecting because he's up to no good himself. Either in thought or in deed.

You're still very young with your whole life in front of you. Based on what you've put here there isn't any doubt that you should leave him.

Doingreat · 02/10/2018 17:29

This is abuse op. He is destroying you. You must leave him for the sake of your mental health if nothing else. He will never ever ever ever change. He will make all the right noises about going counselling etc but only to shut you up.

Please leave him.

The folder with women's pics on his phone is a good enough reason to leave him. I can't believe you've put up with that sort of behaviour for so long. It's better to be alone than with such a disrespectful man.

Please leave before there's nothing left of you.
Sending you strength. Xx

Singlenotsingle · 02/10/2018 17:46

He's a nasty piece of work. It may have something to do with the fact that he's in his 40s, and you're still only in your 20s. He's putting you down so that you don't get any funny ideas about other men. I'd tease him about his age - "silly old man, poor old fella," etc. But tbh, you need to get out. He's doing your MH no good at all.