I feel broken

[mammyto4]

Just wondering if any one can shine some light and I just need to talk to some one else other than going over this in my mind.

I am having issues with my husband of 3 years (together 10) he once in the beginning told me his preferred woman is an hour glass, tiny waist pert big boobs and a big butt. All of which I am not. This never bothered me in the beginning, I felt young and sexy. Fast forward all these years and the usual stuff that happened in relationships plus 4 kids a dog and some bunnies. And I am so far far away from that confident sexy young person I was. He sometimes says I’m too skinny, and my butt is small. My daughter has a lovely bottom and he once said she definitely doesn’t get that from you. He didn’t mean it nasty I don’t think but it cut me deep. I have an eating disorder and I can not for the life of me get over my body issues. And this kind of careless words hurt.
Now recently I cut all my hair off it use to be down to my waist but I cut it all short into a pixie cut and he hates it. Which now makes me feel like a man. I have short hair and a straight skinny up and down body. Not a hint of a curve or femininity. Lately I have noticed when we have sex (I always have to initiate it) he closes his eyes through the whole thing and barely puts his hands on my body. I feel horrible and ugly. To top it off I was feeling sexy one day and sent him a picture of myself. He just said totally uninterested ‘nice’ and deleted it. I know he has an album on his phone labelled just women with hundreds of sexy raunchy girls with the whole hour glass figure. He also constantly likes his bosses pole dancing pictures and other various instagram oldest pictures.
This kind of stuff never use to bother me but right now I feel broken.
I can’t bare to look in the mirror.
I have tried a vast amount of things. Force myself to eat more, exercise to see if my bum will get thick, (he always sends me butt exercise videos so have them a try) but it’s hard I work full time, my kids are all young I’m trying to run a house I have no family or friends for support so the last thing I want to do is get on my living room floor and exercise when I finally get the kids down. I try to male more of an effort, I try to do my hair and make up or wear nice clothes rather than sit around in my lounge wear. I have tried dressing up. Tried kinky things. I have tried date nights and romantic things. Tried the whole sexting but he never replies. I have tried talking to him about it but he says I’m being stupid. Or just walks off and sulks upstairs before we start arguing?!
I am lost. I feel alone. I feel utterly hopeless and desperately unloved.
Sorry for the long post I just need to get it off my chest.

Well OP my exH always told me that my boobs and bum meant I was fat. Eventually he criticised me so much that I too developed an eating disorder (BED in my case).

I too got together with him when I was twenty and we were together for 30 years during which time he systematically destroyed my confidence and self belief. Eventually I found out he had been cheating throughout and we got divorced. He married someone else straight away (not the women he was cheating with at the time I found out).

It is only now, five years down the line and after a lot of counselling that I recognise just what an awful excuse for a human being he is. My only value to him was as a decorative accessory (to make other men envious) and a servant for sex, children and housework. He never saw me as a person at all, just a facility. All women are interchangeable as long as they tick the tall blond and slim box, hence his immediate re-marriage.

Your H sounds as if he is cut from the same cloth. You are better off without him.

Hi OP. I agree with the other posters who have said he is deliberately wearing you down and destroying your confidence so you don't leave him. In actual fact, he is probably the one who is insecure - probably because you are younger and it sounds like you have a lovely figure.
Ask yourself why he is even with you if you are the opposite to his type of woman? I just think this is all talk to make you feel bad about yourself.
Don't let your children grow up thinking its ok to treat your wife/partner like this. You might think its sad to split up the family but they will respect you for this. No child wants to see their mother abused!
Why do you think you deserve this? you do not.

The problem is that there are two things here. One is your eating disorder and body dismorphia, and the other is his treatment of you which on the face of it includes body shaming.

Where the boundary lies between those two things is something that you almost certainly have problems judging, and we can only go on what you say.

What will really, really help is an outside, objective professional. You say you are waiting for counselling. Can you get that hurried up a bit? I think you are approaching crisis point - can you tell your GP that you really need help NOW?

I have my phone call tomorrow, that will tell me when my first session is. They have been really quick. I only reached out for help last Monday. Had two telephone sessions which were very emotional but I didn’t go into any of this. Had the questions first call then second call had to explain my back ground and now tomorrow I will have my first date for face to face session.
Will reply properly just putting the little ones to bed 😊

OP are you only 29?! Don't waste your life on this man.

LTB definitely. If you stay it will get worse, quite possibly to the point of danger. Good luck :)

Be prepared for him not wanting you to get better, it is not in his interest, which seems to me to be the only thing he cares about.

He puts you down, says awful things, you are not allowed social media, you are not allowed male friends. I suppose he doesn't like your girlfriends either or does he tell you they aren't really your friends.

You will get better and I think the key to that is getting rid of him for starters!!

He sounds vile.

I am sure you are beautiful and deserve a lot better.

I hope the counselling goes well.

Good luck.

I don't think there needs to be such an extreme reaction. We all have our "ideals" (yes yes Benedict Cumberbatch) and there's nothing wrong with admitting a physical attraction to that type. It's only physical. He's allowed to fancy hourglass women, and it's ok that you're not one.

I like blondes, but ex DP had really dark hair. He knew my "type" was blondes, but in the scheme of things, it's so insignificant, it didn't register anywhere as something he should be upset by.

If I drew a picture of what I physically found hottest, it wouldn't resemble any of my exs. It's just a picture. Just like the things he's "liking".

His words might seem careless, but I imagine a lot of it, is that he doesn't realise how much it bothers you. You even state this is the case.

He would most likely be a lot more careful with his choice of words if he knew.

I get told all the time my bum is boney. It is lol. Boney, round, a couple of inches lower than it was. And I love it. You should love yours. Not hate yourself and resent DP for saying he likes another shape.

I hope your session goes well. Let us know xx

Omg... I had a post up earlier considering to throw my partner out because I saw a pic of a girl from the internet in his friend group chat..now I feel extreme. I could not even imagine how you're even feeling. I'm just going to be really brutally honest here and say that the love might not be because of a physical attraction between you anymore, although even so he should still have a bit more respect towards you as the mother of his children and his long-term partner. His comments really aren't going to help your self esteem whatsoever, I get that he probably isn't all bad... It's wrong for us to assume so also, but really let him know how his comments are affecting you, & tell him if he wants someone else then to give over and feck off away from you and stop wasting the years.

He sounds awful OP.
The more you write the worse he sounds.
He's contolling, abusive and nasty.
I really think your mental health would improve massively if you got rid of this waste of space.
I really hope the counselling will clarify this in your head.
Womens Aid may also be able to help you in identifying this as abuse.

I think your mental health will improve rapidly once you tell him to f* right off

Hi everyone.
I read all comments and took everything into account.

I tried discussing my feelings with him and he told me I was bat shit crazy. So then I was thinking maybe I am being too sensitive.
I also discussed how he shows me zero care, if I ask him to o anything he complains and swears and moans about it. When I asked him when was the last time he did something for me. He said the other day when I washed the dishes, last week when I picked the kids up from school. That stuff isn’t for me! I just left the discussion there.

He is planning to go back to wales for a one last gig with his old band. I suggested maybe staying with some mutual friends. He said he was going to book a hotel. (Only a few months ago he traveled the 300 mile trip to meet some one who I have no idea who she is but she desperately needed him and he needed her as both been through similar grief) I voiced that him staying where she lives in a hotel when we have lots of friends that have offered him a bed makes me feel in easy. I said turn this around and it was me saying this how would you feel. He just kept saying ‘I’m not sure where you are going with this’ or ‘don’t be an idiot’
He went alone to a gig the other night when he got back I noticed he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. And when I asked he just said that is an of question to ask. That was 5 days ago, and he still hasn’t put it back on. He hasn’t spoken to me only about the kids and house stuff.
I’m so lost right now.

Do the Freedom Programme lovely. Find your local group, email the facilitators, GO.

Your partner is abusing you on many levels. This is proper domestic abuse.

Take care. Your life could be brilliant without this revolting man in it xx

Why don't you ask him about the ring, ask if he wants a divorce? It could be "yes" and you have an answer to your prayers

I did ask him about the ring. He said that’s an odd question. So I asked again and he said he took it off because we had an argument.

It’s not an odd question and you truly know that. He’s got you so tied up in knots you don’t know up from down. You know he’s not right or good and there are big red flags all over the place. Normal people don’t take off their wedding ring when they argue. He took it off for a reason just like he booked that hotel for a reason. You know what he’s up to. He’s messing around or trying to. He’s married to you and drove 300 miles to see another girl! He did that because she said she’d shag him when he got there! You know that surely! I have a best mate of almost 3 decades that my partner knew before he even knew me and he wouldn’t drive that far to see her even though he loves her dearly. People just don’t do that. You don’t even know her!!! He fucked her or tried to. He’s messing you around. I’m saying this because you really need to be seriously careful. Are you having unprotected sex with him? This happened to a friend of mine and her husband gave her herpes before he admitted he’d slept with somebody else. Please protect yourself at the very least.

Leave him op he is a prick and you deserve someone who isn't controlling and abusive

It’s so hard.
We had a big talk last night, it started to turn into an argument, how what I am asking is too much. (I told him he needs to start showing he cares, give me some freedom etc) he said it’s not him it’s me. He said any man I will be with will never be good enough. Asking for a bit of affection show a little more care is too much?? He said things that made me feel like I’m delusional and crazy. I told him I can’t live like this any more. That if this marriage carries on like this I want a divorce. He switched straight away and was begging me to forgive him and how much he loves me and cares for me. He’s just struggling because his dad passed away (4 years ago)
Now today he’s acting like the whole conversation never happened. Why is it so hard?

mammyto4 I rarely comment on these threads, as I always think other people have more wisdom or better advice to give.

However, I have to say something to you because your comments are heart-breaking and so sad.

Such a young woman, and you sound lovely, to be putting up with this crap from this utter knobhead!

This is not the normal behaviour of a loving husband. It's just not.

He's trying to make you think you're mad and crazy and you're not. He's being awful to you, cruel, heartless, uncaring.

You have a whole long life ahead of you. Wouldn't you rather be happily on your own, or with a man who supported you, loved and cherished you, and who you could love and cherish back?

He's controlling you and belittling you. I hope you find the courage to leave him, or to kick him out.

He is telling you left , right and centre how checked out he is of this marriage.

Who keeps a folder of other women on their phone? Who drives 300 miles to comfort another woman who his wife has never heard of or met?

More importantly why are you ignoring all these blazing red flags in front of you?

Op time to sit down and have a true and honest conversation with yourself.

Buy the book 'Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft.

You will see this man in the book and you will learn exactly what he is doing to you and why.

Hint - it's not you, it's him. Another hint - he will never improve, nothing will ever get better.

Tell your psychiatrist everything you have said here and everything you have not mentioned too.

And don't try talking to him any more.

The only result you will get from that is to be driven insane.

The folder of raunchy pictures would be an absolute deal breaker for me and I imagine for most women, let alone the rest of his crap. Your standards are far too low, you deserve so much better! He is just awful, please leave him