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Original poster

Dating as a single parent - when to mention the kids

28 replies

Wellyboots86 · 02/10/2018 07:53

So I’ve posted on here a while back about the collapse of my marriage due to xw cheating and lying about it for months.

Finally got myself to the point where I feel sane enough to start looking for new partner and put myself out on old but here’s my dilemma - as a guy in my thirties I’ve already had a (mostly) decent life and with that comes my kids.

I don’t want to string anyone along and make them think I’m childless or pretend they don’t exist for a bit to “let my personality shine through” but when is the right time to say about it?

I’ve seen a lot of women say about their kids in their profile or show pics of them with the kids, completely get why as there’s a lot of scummy guys just after sex but there must be an equal number with kids that aren’t mentioning it.

Am I doing the wrong thing saying about being a dad in my profile (no pics as don’t want pics of my kids on there from a safeguarding viewpoint) or is it best to be honest upfront like I am being?

Would it put you off more knowing I had kids straight away (so you might not even give me a chance) or is it worse to find out on a date (which looks like I’ve hidden it)?

OP posts:
RoseAndRose · 02/10/2018 07:59

How about using a site which has as one of its basic drop down choices whether you have DC and whether they live with you any of the time?

They need to be mentioned from the outset, I think. But need not be talked about much until past the early stages. But of course, your personality will shine through how you talk about your DC just as much as how you talk about anything else.

Original poster
Wellyboots86 · 02/10/2018 08:08

Thanks RoseAndRose I thought upfront was best, I know it might limit my appeal but if they can’t accept the past there’s no future right?

Any suggestions for what sites I should be using? I was with xw from school till a year and a half ago so my dating experience is limited as a result and feel like I don’t a have a clue where to begin!

OP posts:
Welshmaiden85 · 02/10/2018 08:14

I think a question you should be prepared to answer (not on profile or first date, but early) is whether you are keen/willing to have any more children. For some women this may be a deal breaker

stepmummamumma · 02/10/2018 08:32

When I was online dating I started to see a guy who never mentioned the fact he had kids. I found out via a mutual friend just before our third date and it made me so angry that we had been on two dates, describing our lives to each other and his children didn't feature?! I don't have kids and would have questions for a guy who does but it wouldn't be a deal breaker. I now have a step-son with my husband so really not an issue for me, but the cover up is. Safe to say I cancelled the third date with that other guy and told him why. Children should be too important in your life to not mention. And anyone who doesn't want to swipe right because you have them is not worth your time.

Original poster
Wellyboots86 · 02/10/2018 08:37

Welshmaiden85 I’m not actively planning on more kids but certainly wouldn’t rule it out if the right person came along and things headed that way.

I don’t want to be one of those guys that witholds children from a partner because I’ve “been there done that” as that wouldn’t be fair. Plus I have boys already and pre kids my image was one of each so would be nice to have a daughter one day maybe

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellyboots86 · 02/10/2018 08:40

stepmummamumma I’ve seen a lot of profiles saying “if kids are a problem don’t bother” so I do get the vibe that this is a common issue for a lot of women on old - seems there’s a lot of guys looking for nsa and making women (understandably) mistrustful

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellyboots86 · 02/10/2018 08:41

Oh also, what kind of questions would you have? I’m guessing stuff like how involved in their lives are you? Where’s mum etc?

OP posts:
Keeptrudging · 02/10/2018 08:46

I would be upfront. I don't think it's necessarily off-putting. When I started OLD, I actually wanted to meet someone who also had children, as I felt we'd be coming from a similar position. A man with no children would be expecting me to be able to go out at the drop of a hat, or to be putting him first, which wouldn't be happening really. I met my now DH online, he was upfront during our first chat, which I appreciated.

Musti · 02/10/2018 08:47

I have kids myself and would prefer someone who's already got kids as I'm not having anymore. I would either put it on your profile or mention them when messaging, before meeting up.

Katgurl · 02/10/2018 08:49

Definitely mention them. When I met my DP hr had written in his profile 'separated father of three...'

He's a very hands-on dad and that's one of the things I love about him. Him and the girls are a package deal so if I wasn't up for that it wouldn't have worked.

You mention 'women' being put off. But if it's a serious relationship you're interested in finding then you need to be equally serious about finding the right one who will be right for your boys too. Being a stepmum is no walk in the park and you and your children deserve someone who wants to do it, doesn't just tolerate it.

Original poster
Wellyboots86 · 02/10/2018 09:00

I agree katgurl definitely needs to be the right fit for the boys too and I can see it not being easy being a stepparent.

Think that’s why I’m not put off by women with kids as I know how much I prioritise my kids and imagine they’d be the same or at least understand I’m not free 24/7.

OP posts:
VixenSixen · 02/10/2018 09:23

So I (a mother). Put in my profile that I have one small human.... It's there for guys to see and make a decision on.

I got talking to a guy who wanted to meet me and I said - have you read my profile? He was like yes, which part - mentioned the small human & he was like..... I've got two kids, it's not an issue.

He had barely anything on his profile anyway so I was just relieved he had kids too...... But he mentioned it pretty early, as in within the first few message exchanges.

For me, I've realised i'm probably going to be someone who meets someone who has already had children because they understand the struggle of trying to get things planned in and organised...... They just get it.

I've dated guys who haven't got kids and they are always so surprised when I can't drop everything at the last minute mid-week.

Honestly really is the best policy here - otherwise you could be setting yourself up for disappointment 😊

stepmummamumma · 02/10/2018 09:58

Yes, questions that tell me what kind of father you are. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't pay for his children or didn't take full responsibility.

Keeptrudging · 02/10/2018 10:34

It didn't put me off when started dating and he wasn't always able to make time for me. That just showed me he was a committed parent. I was in the same boat. He did used to phone me in the evening once his children were in bed, and text me a few times during the day if they were out and about. That helped build a relationship.

m0vinf0rward · 02/10/2018 10:41

Be up front. That way you'll weed out those not suitable or interested.

ravenmum · 02/10/2018 10:44

If women are put off by you having kids, that's a good thing. It's what's known as filtering out the unsuitable ones.

My bf is in his 50s with an 8-year-old and said so from the start. Part of the attraction is seeing he has his priorities right as a loving dad.

SortingTheDrawers · 02/10/2018 10:51

Definitely put it on your profile. Someone who has kids has become a dealbreaker for me so I skip past anyone who doesn’t. You might find it’s a positive rather than a negative :)
Good luck

Chocolate123 · 02/10/2018 10:55

I definitely would mention your a dad in your profile as then someone can decide before chatting and less time wasted. Just something like dad to however many you have. No pictures of kids though as me personally I find that off putting.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2018 10:56

Absolutely be upfront! I speak as an former OLDer

Good luck op

onetenhundred · 02/10/2018 10:57

Please don't put pictures of your children on your profile but mention you have however many children on your profile description. Because I have children I would prefer to date someone who had children.

Original poster
Wellyboots86 · 02/10/2018 11:24

Thanks, nice to hear that I miss going about it in the right way. There are no pics of them and profile says that I have kids and not put off if they do too.

Me and xw share parenting which is a 60/40 split in my favour, I pay all their childcare fees etc too so not a deadbeat dad! My mindset is that I’m more likely to match with someone with kids due to my age and that being honest shows I’m mature enough to balance parental responsibilities whilst making the most of spare time with a potential partner

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellyboots86 · 02/10/2018 11:26

sortingthedwarers I figured it would be for some women even if they have their own kids so that’s why I wanted to say straight away. Nothing worse than starting to get feelings for someone and then they go cold as you’re a package deal

OP posts:
DeadCertain · 02/10/2018 11:28

My husband talked in depth about his children the first time that I met him; rather than put me off the way in which he talked about them reassured me. I'd be very much more worried if someone either didn't mention their children or made them sound like an inconvenience (as an acquaintance of mine does) or mistake. It also meant that he had enough respect for me to allow me to enter into a relationship with my eyes wide open.

Milomonster · 02/10/2018 12:16

I have mentioned my child on one profile but not on another. When I make contact with guys from the latter, I mention it within the first few messages and always say I understand that it may not be right for them. Surprisingly, it hasn’t been an issue for any of them (including those without kids). Honesty and openness from the he beginning is so important as it saves a lot of time wasting.

RachaelGeller · 02/10/2018 13:59

definitely mention on the profile.

You’re not trying to appeal to as broad a range of people as possible, you’re trying to appeal to the subsection of people who you’re compatible with and who want what you have to offer.

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