Everyone is on the bully’s side

[Bubba1234]

good Evening everyone,

The bully in my life has been nasty for the last few years which was annoying but it never got me down for long. The last year it was gotten progressively worse with the bully talking about me to my own family members and turning people against me.
I was in work today and I just broke down. I ring my mum ( im a grown woman ) and the first thing she said was ‘oh you just hold on to things’ which made me feel like crap as I explained all the things they have said and done and how I have been the bigger person in all the situations not reacted etc.
I am here and I can’t sleep tonight.
My mum tried to help me by saying just don’t think about it but I’m only human and it’s starting to really upset and effect me.
I kicked stuff around in work and thumped myself in the head with my heads from anger. I haven’t felt anger like this in years.
I had a pretty rough life emotionally neglected etc, but I always managed to keep strong.
My husband says he dsnt believe me when I tell him the things that were done on my by my previous bullies as I turned out so normal.
He meant it as a compliment.
But I am loosing control.
I am normally a calm happy person but I guess I thought when I grew up so to speak this type of thing didn’t happen
I was reading up online earlier on how to deal with a bully and it was scary how identical the definition of a bully was to what is happening.
I guess it’s bringing old emotions to the surface that I had buried from years ago ( bullying from different groups over the years)
I don’t even know why I’m typing this really I was thinking of joining a gym to take my mind off it & was looking up good books on how to look at life in a different way
Sorry for the rambling xx

Just to add they are one of those people that come across sooo nice and no one can believe that they are nasty.
They slipped up not so long ago and showed their true colours to others but there was no consequence.

I think your ideas about how to find a way through it are good OP, certainly can’t hurt. Of course what I (and I’m sure you) would really like is a way to hold your bully (all bullies!) to account and make it stop but I know it’s not always that simple.

What you can do is change your outlook and responses within yourself, find a way not to turn it all inward and try to minimise the damage the bully can do to you. Might therapy be an option? Not because there’s anything ‘wrong’ with you, just to help with coping strategies and confidence. Sending an un-mumsnetty hug in the hope it helps a little in the meantime

Thank you so much. For believing me first of all. And for the kind support.
I was thinking a lot lately about going for therapy. I had everything buried deep down with a lid on it & I even have gotten a real hold on my anxiety which I never thought I would see the day. So it sucks that this thing that I know should not get to me is. In such a big way.
It’s effecting my lovely evenings with my husband ( we are just always giddy & laughing about silly things) he was trying to have a laugh with me and I was so over sensitive when he was laughing at something silly I did. Like that’s not me at all.
I know that on some level the bully is raging that I have not reacted but it’s still upsetting

I'm so sorry

Sounds like you have a charismatic bully. I suspect more people than you realise will have them figured out but it's generally easier to just plod on with life and not rock the boat by calling the bully out. I know that's not terribly helpful, but don't feel alone in finding them awful. Someone else WILL have noticed it too.

The thing to remember is that it's not personal to you. Obviously it feels pretty personal when they are behaving like the to you, but whatever is causing them to be that mean comes from within them and not you. You were the unfortunate target.

It sounds like its all massively confounded by what's happened in your past. Can you try to separate the two in your head? So say to yourself "I'm finding this even more upsetting because of xyz. If x had never happened how can I imagine myself dealing with this person".

Can I ask what sort of form the bullying takes? Maybe we can help with some pithy retorts or something.

I don’t want to give specifics but making me feel hugely uncomfortable at events, ignoring me, getting other people to dirty look and ingnore me, saying nasty things about me to my family.
It breaks my heart that my family will not defend me. I’m so different to them in that respect. They are complete people pleasers. I would be more il do what I want & if you don’t like it feck off..lol..I stopped living my life to please others a few years ago. The bully has been pretty pampered all their lives and has not known all the standard boy/money struggles. Everything has worked out for them.you would think that would make them be happier but I have found the opposite. Extremely bitter and judgmental. I keep myself to myself and I don’t pander or lavish the attention they feel they deserve so they feel vindicated.
But I’m not doing it to annoy them I just live a drama free quiet life and I think this angers them greatly.

There is a really great book called “The Pocket Psychopath” which is about how to identify and deal with workplace bullies/psychopaths. Sometimes it also involves the realization that you have to cut your losses and move on because these fuckers actually do really well in workplace environments. You have to let go of any expectation that life is going to be fair. It’s not. There probably won’t be consequences, unfortunately and these bastards will sail through their blessedly successful life at the expense of their victims. (They will find more because they feed on them like vampires.) Unfortunately it sounds like you have been “trained” by your upbringing to be that victim and they can smell it like sharks can smell blood in water from miles away. You need to restrain yourself to avoid this shit. (So do I, btw...)

But I totally agree. I’m the target of their extreme unhappiness.
I definitely want to get a grip and not let the past creep in on me for sure.
It’s been going on for over a year so I thought they would have gotten fed up by now. Hopefully they will move on. I’m also racking my brains trying to remember how I coped back then. I do remember I was always angry and on the attack but iv been deliriously happy this last few years thanks to my lovely husband

Yes I agree justi thank you so much. It’s a family friend thankfully not someone in the workplace.
Yes that’s an interesting point I have indeed been trained. The bully did sense the distance between my family and I and they used that to their full advantage. But I pulled the rug from underneath everyone a few years ago when I let them no I was in a loving relationship. I can pinpoint that was when the bully got so much worse. I would have had to invite them to my wedding so I just went ahead and got married without telling anyone. All we could not get over was how relaxing the build up and day was. We could actually enjoy it without the bully causing hassle.

Thank you for the book recommendation. You think your going crazy sometimes and when you read entire books on things that are happening to you you feel sane again lol

That's wonderful that you have been so happy with your DH recently. I'd say fight tooth and nail to hold on to that - 'letting' (although perhaps not the right word as it suggests your fault, which it isnt, but still) a bully get you down runs the risk of that unhappiness spreading across your life and festering, especially when mixed with family not defending you etc. No wonder you're struggling.

I'd create a little mantra that you can tell yourself whenever something happens. Something like "this is only a reflection of their unhappiness. I will not let them steal MY peace or happiness". Then force yourself to forget about it. No thoughts allowed that involve dwelling on something they have said/done. Not easy but they don't deserve your brain space and they certainly don't deserve to take away your happiness by turning you bitter (not saying you are, but it can happen).

Thank you sleep I agree.
I hear you I keep apologizing to him cos he’s having to listen to my rants.
I was always told by my family I would never meet anyone nice cos I am a horrible person. I just kept my distance from them and built a little life for myself. A happy one. They were stunned. I’m planning on leaving the country in a few years. That will be the final nail in the coffin. Complete escape. And it’s very far away also so no visiting fro them.
When I get down my husband and I visualize the lovely life we are planning it keeps me feeling alive.
Hopeful. Amazing.

My bullies were my family... this is why I thought this book might help. It’s bite-sized rather than full-on psychoanalysis. (Too much drama.... sometimes I think that if you get too in-depth you get so very unhappy about the past instead of moving through and being happy in the present. It did actually take me a very loooooooong time to get to this very deep and profound statement, OP. And it took a lot of therapy. I highly recommend a good counsellor, and maybe reading up on personality disorders. I suspect most families are full of them.)
Just so you know... I have been very happily married for 15 years. Have three gorgeous kids, who are universally known as polite, respectful, funny and kind. Pretty unusual these days - especially for teenagers. I take no credit for this. I think it’s just the way my husband and I are with each other because we have broken the patterns we grew up with. Thought you’d like to know it can be done! X

I’m going to physically write that mantra down and read it a million times tomorrow

What an amazing story justi well done on your successful life it’s amazing. I’m so happy to hear this!
Oh I fully agree I don’t want to look back on the past.
My bully seen me struggling over the years and kicked me when I was down. I think the bitching got worse as a way of trying to bring me back down but they couldn’t get to for ages just lately it got in on me.
Thank you everyone the support on here is priceless

It's not normal for family members to stand by while this is going on. I am estranged from some of my family for similar reasons. I think of them as something like an unevolved Pokemon. I have days where I find it very difficult.

Melanie tonie Evans has some videos on YouTube that you might find helpful.

An unenvolved pokemon omg that’s so funny 😂 I love it❤️😂
Really is it not? To me that’s so normal. Funny how we can have such a warped sense of what is in reality the right and wrong.

I think you’re identifying too much with the ‘victim’ role.

This person just sounds like an areshole. Who cares if they give you dirty looks/talk about you? You are giving them way too much power, just emotionally withdraw from the situation and focus on your own life.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Did you have trouble making friends as a child? Always feel like an alien dropped from another planet?
I wonder if you would benefit from therapy to work on why you’ve ended up in the ‘victim’ role so many times, and how you can avoid it happening in the future.

All the best!

Good luck OP... Happiness is far better than any kind of revenge. Probably is a revenge of sorts, but best to move past the idea of revenge at all.
Btw... have just moved back to my old home town after nearly 30 years. My 14 year old daughter is going to my old high school. The uniform woman at the end of the measurements said “Oh she’s so much like you were at high school!” And I said “Oh, were you the uniform woman then as well?” “No! I’m xxxxxx! I was in your class!” - she was one of my class bullies. (Whoops! I had no idea. Didn’t mean to be a bitch. Wouldn’t have recognized her by sight or name. She seriously looked a thousand years older than me. Obviously had a lot more sun and smoked a lot, would be my guess. I apologized profusely and said that I didn’t really remember anyone from then apart from the few I was still in touch with. (Promptly got on the phone with one who was also bullied by her who nearly cried laughing - she had heard the same thing.)

Sorry I posted too soon x thank you I’m defo guna check out her videos.
I deleted all my social media today. I don’t count mumsnet as social media others may disagree lol but I wouldn’t go on it everyday.
I feel so much better after hearing what you guys are going through also.
Yes it’s a family member that is feeding me the info of what the bully is saying. The bully tried this on me before but I shut it down and stood up for the family member.
I would have that type of inner strength and loyalty. But they unfortunately will not do the same for me. It’s so disappointing but it’s out of my control.
My goals are to never bring this issue home with me ever again.
Il tell the family member to shut the fuck up if they tell me what the bully is saying that I don’t want to know.
And continue my tactic of avoid at all costs.

Yes Doras I agree but when you are too nice you can become a target.
I hear you though.
Who cares? I shouldn’t I know it’s easier said than done.

Yes justi it sure is
I have been so happy these past few years. I’m trying so many knew things iv come such a long way.
Omg really That is such karma haha.
I have learned over the years a lot about myself.
I will agree I am sensitive but everyone is a product of their past and I am just living my life not bothering anyone and keeping to myself. To me it’s more important to be happy revenge is not on my agenda at all. I enjoy my job and my hobbies etc a lot

There would be no such thing as mumsnet or councilors if we could all just ‘not let things annoy us’
It’s not always so simple to simply not care. To be fair when they ignored me all those times I did laugh it off at the time as they were making idiots of themselves.

I know this is trotted it a lot on mumsnet, but...
Do you think you could be on the autistic spectrum?

People with ASD often struggle with friendship, and perceive people to be bullying them when they are rejected, as it feels like it comes out of the blue. People with ASD don’t understand normal social ‘rules’, so perceive her selves to be being nice and normal, when they are missing subtle social cues that means others shun them.

It sounds like this person in your life (your sister?) isn’t really very nice, so I wouldn’t waste too much time on her.

Ignore the typos 🙈
I blame 3am!

No problem lol..
Nope not autistic
( it keeps autocorrecting as artistic😂)