Everyone is on the bully’s side

[Bubba1234]

good Evening everyone,

The bully in my life has been nasty for the last few years which was annoying but it never got me down for long. The last year it was gotten progressively worse with the bully talking about me to my own family members and turning people against me.
I was in work today and I just broke down. I ring my mum ( im a grown woman ) and the first thing she said was ‘oh you just hold on to things’ which made me feel like crap as I explained all the things they have said and done and how I have been the bigger person in all the situations not reacted etc.
I am here and I can’t sleep tonight.
My mum tried to help me by saying just don’t think about it but I’m only human and it’s starting to really upset and effect me.
I kicked stuff around in work and thumped myself in the head with my heads from anger. I haven’t felt anger like this in years.
I had a pretty rough life emotionally neglected etc, but I always managed to keep strong.
My husband says he dsnt believe me when I tell him the things that were done on my by my previous bullies as I turned out so normal.
He meant it as a compliment.
But I am loosing control.
I am normally a calm happy person but I guess I thought when I grew up so to speak this type of thing didn’t happen
I was reading up online earlier on how to deal with a bully and it was scary how identical the definition of a bully was to what is happening.
I guess it’s bringing old emotions to the surface that I had buried from years ago ( bullying from different groups over the years)
I don’t even know why I’m typing this really I was thinking of joining a gym to take my mind off it & was looking up good books on how to look at life in a different way
Sorry for the rambling xx

Go NC with the bully and NC with the person telling you about the bully. You have my full sympathy because I’ve been plagued by bullies throughout my life since primary school. It seems to be a recurring theme in my life so I’ve ended up becoming very independent and solitary. I go NC with women the moment I see red flags. I just seem to attract bullies as I lack confidence and self esteem. I have a lovely small immediate family that I’ve built myself but I can’t really seem to navigate outside of that. I’d love to have a couple of close, trusted friendships with kind people but sadly just don’t think that’s ever going to happen for me. Just protect yourself and don’t give the bully any insight into your life

I feel your pain OP - mine is at work, she hasn’t just harassed me but several other people but has managed to get away with it by isolating victims or just giving them such a hard time they’re too scared to report it. Management have been useless (partly because she sucks up to them and partly because they either don’t want the hassle or feel it reflects badly on them) and on the surface she’s the nicest of the nice so you have to just suck it up while she gets away with it/others go on about how lovely she is. At a certain point you just have to accept that life isn’t fair, they might not ever get ‘found out’ or punished and let go and focus on yourself and your happiness (this is bloody hard and I still have days when I struggle with this). But would you rather be a malignant psychopath or a nice person (if a slightly bruised, hurt, victimised one)?!

Stay strong and be kind to yourself (that cunt won’t!)

@DorasBob

I found your post to be strange and unhelpful. OP has only talked about one bully, probably a family member. You've somehow extrapolated that into OP struggling with friendship and that she perceives everyone to be a bully. Or that OP has autism.

It sounds like this person in your life (your sister?) isn’t really very nice, so I wouldn’t waste too much time on her.

Yes, this person sounds like a bully. So not sure what the rest of your victim blaming post was about.

@Havaina - ASD in females presents differently, and is underdoagnosed.

Someone I am close to was diagnosed in her 50s. She generally has done very well in her life, but has had repeated problems with ‘bullying’, where tentative friends she has made have dropped her, or a supervisor at work has criticised her, or she’s struggled in a job and not felt supported. With the benefit of hindsight her ASD was likely a factor in these things. She has found it very empowering understanding that she hasASD, as she know understands that she probably wasn’t ‘getting’ the subtext of what was going on, and it’s not that she’s fundamentally an unlikable person. She just has a different brain, and some people aren’t going to ‘get her’

Sounds like I was off the mark here, but something. In the OP reminded me of this person. I guess i would word it differently, i.e my toxic sister/cousin is a cunt to me all the time and I don’t want to see her anymore, rather than talking about ‘bullying’. Anyway, I didn’t mean any offence, and it was 3am 😂

The behaviour of your nearest and dearest in this situation is not optimal. They are minimising the actions of the bully and putting the onus on you to shrug it off.

Had you stubbed your toe, and you were momentarily in pain, then making light of it and simply reassuring you could be a good idea. But when there is an on-going situation, which is making you feel terrible, the message you need to hear is: I understand – it’s awful and I completely get why you feel hurt.

Honestly, if they want to stop you going over and over it in your mind, they need to allow you to talk it through and to acknowledge that your feelings are valid. Maybe they could even have a few quiet words with the bully, diplomatically and politely of course.

Oh no don’t worry I didn’t take offense at doras post at all. In fact I liked the way she said you seem to identify with being a victim and that helped me to think girl stop this feeling like a victim. Cos her advice is correct to be like who cares! I fully agree.
Thank you so much guys. Yes it is a case of the family not wanting to get involved but I have verbalized that I feel this way. We are slowly getting back on track we always had a strained relationship but I am glad I can talk about how I’m feeling now.
You know it’s funny I ended up throwing up last night I got myself into a right state and I do need to get a grip. Thank you for saying that they should have my back and acknowledge my feelings cos I woke up this morning thinking oh well there right I’m too sensitive I can’t let go etc. blaming myself again.
I’m taking this as a lesson learned for sure. My tactic was avoiding the bully which to be fair gives me such peace. They know full well I am avoiding them so I have that strength at least
Guys you are all so amazing truly.

Cawfee I can relate to that 100 percent. But I always feel thankful that I have my own family my son and husband and I. Today’s world it’s a lot of care to have. I have 2 people that love me.i appreciate and thank god everyday.
With regards the red flags your dead right there is so many strange people out there. But we will keep the faith. And remember friendships don’t usually have to take the form of meeting up and drinking. The best ones are usually the ones abroad that you never see and stay in contact with and they just bring you the nostalgia and laughs.

Also cawfee just to add I also learned that friendships do not have to be all interpersonal. Sometimes joining an activity group you can spend an hour or two having the craic without letting people fully in. Just enjoying the company.

If you confront the bully sometimes it helps.
If they say your using your husband for money, in front of the person walk up too hubby and ask him for £50, this will be prearranged so he has the cash, tell him x says you are bankrolling me so can I have £50 for some shoe's I like, he hands o er cash, you wrapped your arms round his neck snog him in front of x and turn to them and say blooming heck your right... Make sure you laugh....

😂😂😂😂😂that’s a great one
I love it hehe
My personality is always to confront people I always do but this one enjoys that type of thing. They go from house to house bitching to anyone who will listen to them about everyone and usually when the person finds out they naturally text them and say what are you saying and they always respond ‘I never said that’ it’s there tagline.
They get enjoyment from this types of conversations the back and forth texting etc.
To me it’s childish stuff that I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of all that nonsense.
It’s different if it’s a genuine friendship or a genuine misunderstanding I’d be straight down stick the kettle on sort this with love .