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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Never been hurt like this before by him

31 replies

Mamabear141 · 01/10/2018 22:54

I don't usually post on her about my relationship but I just don't know what to do anymore.
I had my baby son 6 months ago now and ever since then me and my partner having been arguing nearly every night. In the beginning I just thought it was lack of sleep and stress of having a newborn why we bite each others heads off about things. Treating eachother more like enemies more than co parents. Lately we have been making conscious effort to spend more time together and have even talked about counselling.
But tonight everything changed, I said to him I was cold and could he get me the blanket but not the one off the bed he comes back with the one off the bed and I say I said can you not get that one cause I wanted that to stay upstairs, I wanted you to get me another one I just don't know where they are. He then says if you want something doing right so it yourself, to which I walked off and began to cry (I suffer with depression badly and sometimes can be quite sensitive, he knows this) he came after me and said can we talk I just waited for him to go so I could compose myself and then after a while followed him down stairs when he said can we talk I said yes of course and he then proceeded to say something that hurt me worse than anything else. He said I feel like you've fallen out of love with me and you are just going through the motion with me at the moment and have been for a long time you just treat me like your slave. I was so hurt by this never have I even thought for one second that I treated him like that. Also having a child was a very big deal for me I wanted to wait til I was married I am engaged but something happened in my family (don't really want to mention it) made me see how much I wanted a family member with him. He later said he feels that he has been felling like this for a year and a half much longer than my son has even been here, we have fought before but this has to be the most hurtful comment he has ever made to me.
I feel like when you have a baby you put everything into it blood sweat tears literally I feel so unappreciated for having a baby with him let alone trying to make our relationship work, is my relationship over or am I just blowing things out of proportion?

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 01/10/2018 22:56

He sounds like a knob to be honest. He is projecting.

MinaPaws · 01/10/2018 23:04

Well he doesn't sound like a knob to me. He has every right to tell you if he has been bottling up this feeling for so long.

You are blowing things out of proportion. You aske dhim to fetch a blanket. he did. You say it;s the wrong blanket. Think about that one. Does it really matter which blanket he brings? Is it worth rowing about? Isn't it likely that you;re rowing about it because of lack of sleep and the stress that having a newborn creates.
Be kind to each other, be veyr forgiving of small stuff during this period when you're shattered and new to parenting. Try to have fun together. Say nice things to each other Compliment each other on what you do well. Be appreciative of the cute gorgeous creature you made together. Make plans for the fun you'll have as a family.

Honestly, what you've described is so normal. It happens to so many new parents. Definitely happened to us. But it's no good to be sniping about petty stuff like this. The world won't end if a blanket is in the wrong room. And you were cold and he fetched you something that made you warm. That was kind.

Make up. And then make plans to have fun as a family. That;s what dH and I did. If we hadn't, I think we'd not have lasted.

CottonTailRabbit · 01/10/2018 23:16

Are you getting treatment for the depression?

His reaction to your blanket fuss was entirely normal, i.e. do it yourself if you are going to be picky. You going off crying was a huge over reaction. The two of you should have been having a good-natured giggle as you went to get the right blanket.

If you can't even laugh in that situation where you've been a bit of a blanket-zilla then I wonder if this is your new relationship normal: bickering meanly with each other and crying, when anyone else would be bickering comically and laughing together.

UserMillionBillion · 01/10/2018 23:19

Are there other examples? If somebody fetched me a blanket I wouldn't say ''that's the wrong blanket'' tbh. I'd say thank you.

You don't have to try to make it work for the next 18 years though. It's ok to split up. Not a fashionable opinion but not every relationship is worth pushing water uphill to save.

MinaPaws · 01/10/2018 23:21

@UserMillionBillion , I think it's a very fashionable opinion to say split up at the first sign of stress. No relationship is perfect when a baby is added to the mix. PND, sleeplessness, extra cost and responsibility all add huge stress. That's no reflection on the relationship -it's just a tough time of life.

MMmomDD · 01/10/2018 23:22

OP - you need to go to your GP and ask for help with depression....

You aren’t seeing clearly. By the way you described the situation - yes, you treated him like a servant.
And he says he feels unloved - and you make it about yourself.
And finally - when you say - you feel unappreciated for having a baby with him. What does it mean for you?
It’s a strange thing to say - you had a baby because you chose to have a baby.

Please get some help. And things will start looking up.

Josiebloggs · 01/10/2018 23:23

Why did it matter what blanket it was so much?
If he was a knob he would have just refused to get one.
Do you appreciate him for allowing you to be the mother of his child? I find that comment slightly odd, you should be a team, he doesn't have to be eternally grateful, he made the baby with you too.
You need to think about if there is any truth in how he is feeling rather than being mad at him for saying it. If its true you can try and fix it, if its not and there is a bigger picture to why you feel how you do over a blanket mix up it may be time to give up.

DianaT1969 · 01/10/2018 23:37

Sorry, but I'd be very frustrated living with someone who asked me to get a blanket for them, but it mustn't be the convenient one I can see, it should be one in an unknown place.
It's good that he felt able to tell you how he feels. Do go the GP for help with your depression OP.
Like all new mothers, you will be doing a lot in the home and for your baby, but that's not something you are doing for him. It's for the baby you chose to have.

SandyY2K · 01/10/2018 23:44

I think you're being over sensitive tbh. You were being fussy about the blanket and as you were cold...your problem was solved.

He told you how he feels...that's a good thing.

He feels you've fallen out of love with him...that's how he feels though it's not your intention to make him feel that way.

MelonBuffet · 01/10/2018 23:48

I must say he doesn’t sound like a knob to me either. From what you’ve written (and of course we don’t know the tone/facial expressions and body language that accompanied the words) it sounds like he’s just really sad that your relationship is floundering. It’s hard not to take that as a criticism but if you can put your hurt aside for a moment and try to see it from his point of view for a while you can communicate and try to fix things.

It does sound a bit OTT ending up in tears because he got the wrong blanket but I know things can escalate and when you’re already tired it feels like a big deal.

You might need to pick your battles and the blanket things feels like one to let go.

MelonBuffet · 01/10/2018 23:50

And at the risk of sounding unsympathetic - your title says that this is the worst it’s ever been. I have to say, if this is the most hurtful thing he’s ever said or done, you’re doing well.

user14869556378 · 01/10/2018 23:57

I agree with another poster, you both need to be kinder and more patient with each other , especially with a baby . Say this to him

PuddinginPerth · 02/10/2018 00:57

You wanted him searching for a blanket you didn’t even know where it was? He brought you a blanket. You should have gone and got it yourself.

Then you go off and cry over it?

You’re being ridiculous.

It’s unlikely he will marry you now.

HereIgoagainxx · 02/10/2018 01:13

How often do you ask him to get stuff/do things for you? The slave comment hasn't come from getting one blanket.

He isn't a knob, he sounds frustrated, sad and feels like he is being used. Only you know if these sentiments are justified.

sadiesnakes · 02/10/2018 02:23

You sound way too precious tbh, he hasn't done anything wrong, crying because he got the wrong blanket is way ott and him telling you how he feels in your relationship is not wrong either, he's just being honest and open and confronting the problem. You need to seek help for your depression, but if this is how you naturally are then he's very patient with you imo.

Kennycalmit · 02/10/2018 03:05

Sorry I’m gunna be honest here and you probably won’t like what I say

He doesn’t sound like a knob at all

You admit your very sensitive. Does it matter what blanket he brought you? If I brought DP a blanket and it wasn’t the “right” one I’d tell him to get it himself aswell. That’s just being nit picky

I also imagine it’s very frustrating for him with regards to you being overly sensitive. I’ve been there, an ex was sensitive and in the end it was one of many reasons why he drove me away.
I’m not saying this will happen to you two, but crying because he got you the wrong blanket and then told you to get it yourself would frustrate me aswell.

From your post it sounds as if you look for excuses in everything. I think couples counselling would be a good idea but also perhaps counselling just for you to work on your self esteem and sensitivity a little bit?

In the end he will have enough and leave. He actually sounds very patient and you sound a bit of a princess.

PerspicaciaTick · 02/10/2018 03:21

What he said hurt you. However, he must be hurting too and he has tried to share how he is feeling with you.
You need a proper conversation. One where you take it in turns to talk, where you actively listen and respond respectfully to each other's feelings.
Hearing a partner say "I am sad and feel like you don't love me" and reacting by saying "but I am sadder and you are mean to make me feel bad" isn't going to fix your relationship.

Uncreative · 02/10/2018 03:23

You asked him to do something for you with clear instructions. He did it but didn’t follow the instructions. You tell him he did it wrong.

I would feel rather unloved and annoyed if I were him too.

Then when he wants to talk about his feelings, you make him wait until you are ready. When he tells you how he feels, you get upset and think about your own feelings.

I think you need to take a step back and see your GP and perhaps a counselor.

It is quite common to struggle after bringing a baby into a relationship. If you want to make it work for your baby’s sake (or for your own), you will need to work at it.

Dadaist · 02/10/2018 06:02

Whether anyone is 'right' to feel the way the do - feelings are still legitimate. He's told you he feels you don't care about him and your response is to make it all about you. And I would have been miffed about your 'wrong blanket' attitude when being helpful. Get it yourself!
Perhaps you need to both think about how you are meeting each other's needs. He's been open with you - he's not a knob!

Whisky2014 · 02/10/2018 06:06

Usually we hear of people ending relationships out of the blue. This man has told you how he feels. You need to resolve these issues together. But him bringing you a blanket and you crying over it seems a bit much

Cawfee · 02/10/2018 06:27

Blimey. You aren’t quite right and you really need to get help. Go to the GP. Ring your health visitor. Get medication. Go to CBT. If your little one isn’t already, put him/her in nursery two mornings a week so that you can sleep. Do as much as you can to help yourself. Start doing YouTube yoga and mindfulness. Start doing something or you are going to lose your marriage. You need to stop asking him to fetch you things. He isn’t a dog. You need to stop blowing up minor things (it wasn’t the right blanket!!???) into dramarama criticism. You need help. You are depressed. Ring your gp 1st thing in the morning and start getting help. ASAP. Tell your partner how sorry you are. Tell him you are going to get help.

booboo24 · 02/10/2018 07:09

I'm afraid I can see myself 10 years ago in how you've described yourself. I wish I'd had the wake up call you've been given before it was too late. I've lived with severe anxiety for years coupled with depression back then, it's the worst and I do feel for you, however, it's not an excuse to treat people badly (I know you don't even realise you're doing it sometimes, but you've acknowledged that you're oversensitive).

You've been warned, he's not happy, and to be fair I don't blame him. The blanket was a huge over reaction on your part and if that is a reflection of how you normally treat him then it will end in him leaving. He's told you how he feels, after (I suspect) listening to how you feel all the time. Depression makes us quite selfish in that respect, please please listen to him.

Wishing you a steady recovery, get the help you need for your own sake as well as his.

AnyFucker · 02/10/2018 07:14

You sound like very, very hard work to live with

For whatever reason that may be, you need to start addressing it/ getting help . I could not live with that sort of behaviour.

anotherangel2 · 02/10/2018 07:15

His reaction was fine and yes you were being unnecessarily demainding and fussy. I am wondering if you have had help for the family event (bereavement) because having two huge life changing events close together sounds like it has understandably caused you some mental health issues.

cakecakecheese · 02/10/2018 07:18

It sounds like you've had a tough time and you're getting this upset over a blanket so you clearly need some help, please see a doctor.

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