This shouldn't be happening after 9 years... should it?

[Dreamer190]

I’ve been with my bf for 9 years - we met at 19 at uni and we’re still a little childish when we met. I had some insecurity issues from my dodgy previous relationship and he had some anger issues. Safe to say those first few years were pretty volatile - some explosive rows and lots of mis communication issues. When we met we had an instant spark not just attraction but personality too. We always make each other laugh till we cry, we share similar views and hobbies, we have many multal friends who we solialise with often. Both our families love the other and we’ve spoken about buying a house, marriage, children. We’re saving up for those at the moment. In 9 years I’ve never cheated once and I believe he hasn’t either - we’ve no cause not to trust the other....

BUT, after 9 years we just cannot seem to communicate. We’ve spoken about this numerous times and just seem to be having the same argument on repeat. I’m so tired and exhausted I feel like it’s ruining what we have. I know relationships take work to nurture them and we have over the 9 years but I don’t feel like we’re moving forwards. Our arguments have been less explosive and we’ve both managed to rein back the behaviour that was annoying the other, but it’s still... I don’t know

Take yesterday as a case in point:
I was out for the day for a family day which had been planned a while - he had no plans for the day. In the morning when I left I said: don’t eat the leftovers in the fridge for lunch as well have those together for dinner, I’ll be back around 6ish, have a nice day, love you bye! He said: ok, have fun with your fam, love you bye!

During the day he msgs a couple of times just asking how the day is etc. He tells me he’s gone round a friends to watch sport with another friend of ours. (We have a mutual group with the mates & I saw them organising it on there so knew it was happening). I just said cool, don’t get too drunk lol.

6pm rolls around and I’m home and he says he’s having too much fun and doesn’t know when he’ll be home. I said but we had plans to hang and eat together and now you’re just leaving me in the lurch alone?

Que explosive argument over WhatsApp which culminates in him breaking up with me. He gets home at 11pm, goes to bed without talking about it and in the morning acts like nothing happened. When I try to bring it up he says ‘yeah well you were having a go at me and those plans weren’t set in stone. You don’t own me.’ He’s done this before - I.e the breaking up whilst drunk and then saying ‘I was drunk I didn’t mean it’ I nearly ended things two years ago as I was sick of it and said it was a childish way to deal with confrontation & messed with my emotions and wasn’t a relationship I wanted. He promised to change and things were good... just until recently. We’ve been arguing a lot and now this.

Was I in the wrong? Am I too demanding to expect him not to bail on plans? Am I making plans in my head and not informing him?! (What he says) I’m so confused - it’s been 9 years and I’m afraid that we can’t communicate... where does that even leave us?

I go from planning marriage and a life with this guy to wondering if its all been a waste of time and we should just end it from day to day sometimes! Help me

I don't think staying with his friends when he's having a good time over eat left overs with you is the end of the world....however, you do need to be able to disagree without it culminating into breaking up or either one of you needing to change. If you want to change the person you're with - you shouldn't be together.

You had been out socialising and he was doing the same....I would say - pick your battles?

In your position I would have told him to carry on enjoying his time with his mates. I would then have enjoyed some time on my own.
I like to know the people I love are having a good time, with or without me. Are you always this controlling?

What MrsHarrison said. Id have let him stay no issues with his mates.

I feel YABU. I would not have said those were "plans" to be honest. You're just telling him not to eat leftovers because otherwise you have no dinner. Also:

1. Don't debate things when one of you is drunk. No point. Be the bigger person, realise it's not going to come of anything and walk away.

1. Relax a little! So what if you had plans to "hang together" unless it was plans that involved going out of your way, there's no harm done. You've not lost any time/money you would've spent "hanging"

1. Don't argue over messengers/texts as things can come across differently and also people are braver in messages than saying things.

I've been in a similar situation regarding miscommunication but the example you gave us wasn't that bad.

I actually think neither of you were in the wrong/right. There doesn't always have to be a wrong or right.

You've been out for a lovely day with your family. Did you expect your BF to simply stay home alone all day? I'm sure not so he's gone out and had fun.

I appreciate you think you've made plans to eat leftovers together but they are not really solid plans. It would've been different had you had a reservation at a restaurant or something but to me I wouldn't see that as solid plans.

I think maybe you both rely on each other too much. I don't know why but I'm just thinking back to a relationship I was in. If I went out for the day without my bf at the time, he would purposely stay out longer just so he felt he had the upper hand.

I'm not saying that's specifically happening here but you're clearly both pretty unhappy. Maybe it might be best to have a conversation whilst calm to see whether it's worth saving the relationship. You need more than love to have a healthy relationship.

Best of luck.

He can sense the net closing in i.e. marriage & babies etc.

You were looking forward to seeing him in the evening but, in his own words he said, 'he's having fun......you don't own me.'

That's not a very grown up thing to say. Also, he's reverted to type. What if you were home with a baby and he was having fun with his mates and again said, 'you don't own me.'

Sorry but I think this relationship has run it's course.

Thanks all - this is all really helpful. Yeah I think I am too demanding sometimes sand expect too much from people. I get really anxious about stuff and over analyse everything constantly! My partner is much more laid back and would never make a plan for anything in his life sometimes this works as we draw out the best in each other (he makes me relaxed, I make him more motivated to do stuff) but sometimes stuff like this happens.

So I need to make more of an effort to chill out a bit and not expect so much of him.

What of the WhatsApp breaking up?

I do say at the time I don't want to say anymore over text/when he's drunk but he doesn't let things drop sometimes? And ingnoring him makes him send more!

If someone said to me "don’t eat the leftovers in the fridge for lunch as well have those together for dinner" I would not take that as a firm date to meet for dinner. I'd take that as instructions not to eat the food as they have other plans for it. I might well forget everything bar the fact that I am not supposed to eat the leftovers, as that's the relevant fact I am being told.

If someone wanted to make a firm date to do something with them I'd expect them to ask "Shall we do x?" rather than saying "We are doing x" in passing, as they left the room.

Having said that, if someone said they were breaking up with me, I'd consider that a breakup, drunk or not. If they changed their mind back and forth I'd break up with them, as who has time for that shit?

He hadn't missed you enough to want to come home. He also didn't want to lose face in front of his mates by saying, 'I'd better go, she'll be expecting me home for tea.'

BTW I don't think you were being controlling. He's got some growing up to do.

The break up by whatsap was him pretty much saying 'back off woman'. However, come the following morning all is well because he can't be bothered with the aggro of an actual break up / house move.

It doesn't really sound like you had plans, you told him you'd be home around 6pm and you'd eat leftovers together?? So you can go out all day with your family but expect him to be hanging around waiting for you once you get home?
I don't meant to sound harsh OP but it comes across like you were being a bit selfish, i would of told DH to carry on enjoying his evening. Falling out over daft things like that reminds me very much on young teenage relationships so maybe your relationship hasn't matured.

Nah, he basically bumped you for other people, which is rude and not on; he could have text you earlier and asked if you would mind if he missed dinner, that would be just plain manners; I wouldn't like anyone standing me up for someone else; it's not nice. I think he's making an already fragile relationship even worse by disrespecting, you and the threatening to break up all the time, well sorry that indicates to me that he actually wants out.

Hmm I seem to be getting some differing opinions on here this is the loop that goes round in my head!!

I understand that 'eating leftovers with me' isn't really plans per say and that him having fun with his mates at the time is understandable so perhaps I should've just let it go. But it wasn't a 'sorry I'm going to miss dinner' or a 'sorry you'll be on your own tonight!' It was just a 'I'm having fun, not sure when I'll be back' I do feel it's a bit inconsiderate. But he thinks we didn't 'make plans' so there's no issue to him.

I think the bigger issue is the WhatsApp argument and silly break up speech. It's typical him lashing out when he feels defensive and always back tracks the next day. I've said I hate this and have almost ended it it's of times but he's done all the begging/apologising and we move past it. Or so I thought!!

Does he drink a lot? And how do you manage finances and so on?

You do realise you will be going round in circles like this for the rest of your life if you stay with him, don't you ?

It will not change, even if you get married.

Threatening to break up or actually breaking up as a way to get you to back off. It's been a useful tool so far because it works.

Make a list of the pros and cons of this relationship and ask him to do the same.

You are unlikely to marry him with this level of doubt, so the relationship is ending.

So you left him alone all day.
But expected him to be at your beck and call when you got back???
Seems quite demanding.
However....... No way would I stay with someone who 'split up with me' every time we had a disagreement and he was drinking.
No wonder you are anxious.
Really!??? Where is this going????
I think you may have outgrown each other.

It doesn't happen every time we have an argument - it used to happen a lot and by a lot I mean 2/3 times a year until I basically called time on it and said I was ending things. At which point he properly broke down into pieces and said he doesn't know why he reacts the way he does but he wanted to change and make things work. That was about 2 years ago and this is first time he's done it since.

My fear is that we will be going round and round doing this - that's exactly what I don't want. But I have seen him change other behaviours for me and I have done the same for him. I did the pro and con list and I chose to make it work because being with him added more to my life than not.

But I want a way to get over this communication issue we have and his way of expressing (or not expressing) his feelings!

I think you're at different stages. It's not uncommon in couples who are together from a young age.

He quite possibly does want to marry you, and have children with you and all that. But not now. He's enjoying taking each day as it comes. That doesn't wash when there's kids.

You sound more ready to be settled.

Sometimes the timing just isn't right.

I think you should ignore the staying our with his mates here. You probably should have been more relaxed about it, but it isn't the real issue here.

He likes to get drunk k occasionally. Fine. Whenever he gets drunk you end up arguing and he breaks up with you. This isn't a good relationship for either of you. Nobody is massively unreasonable, it sounds like nobody has cheated, and you do genuinely like each other. But that's not quite enough.

You sound like the sort of couple that limp on far enough to have a baby, and then it all falls apart. There are better relationships out there with all the good bits of this one and without the arguments and angry drunken breakups.

But we're not planning it for right now! I want to go travelling first so we're saving for that, I think I've been pretty understanding and undemanding in that respect...

But you're right in that he's still a bit more immature than me. He likes things as they are right now (and I do too) but I can plan into the future and know that when that time rolls around all our friends will have started getting married etc. He wrote in my birthday card that he loves planning our future and can't wait to live it with me. He randomly wrote on my fb the other day (which he never does) that he can't wait for the next 9 years and thinks they'll be eventful...

I believe him when he says these things, I don't think he's lying. I just think he gets frustrated by things and doesn't tell me. So I go on my happy way planning stuff and he hasn't told me the whole picture. If that makes sense?

You are correct in that this is a huge misunderstanding.

I.e I would see "we can have that for dinner tonight I'll be back around 6" as not a formal plan. It's a lot different than "let's cook a nice meal together tonight and have a nice night in"

I think you may both have some work to do here.

But the drunkenly breaking up with you over WhatsApp is ridiculous and immature

Hi Dreamer190,

You guys are in different places!

You are a planner and he is spontaneous and wants the freedom to go with the flow. It does not feel good to me for the long-term and I agree with ToEarly. Communication is the foundation of all relationships and poor communication signifies you are not on the same page.

As difficult as it is, when you end it and he begs you to reconsider, you are going to have to be strong and focus on the type of husband/father you are looking for. I can see problems still happening down the line for you both as the foundation is not strong - ie communication is off-key.

Good luck

The plans you had in the evening with him didn’t seem set in stone, it seems hypocritical of you to see it as fine for you to go out for the day with your family but not for him to stay out at a mates? He’s right, you don’t own him. He was having fun, you’d been out all day. It’s not a big deal and you made it into one. If I’d been out for the day and my dh went over a friends I wouldn’t be at all upset if he decided to stay a out. I’d scoff food I liked and watch tv I liked. You sound very demanding and like it’s one rule for you and another for him.

It was very immature of him to break up over WhatsApp but if you do this a lot I can imagine why he’d be frustrated and pushed to the edge.

If you had a romantic meal planned or dinner out then I would say yes your right to be annoyed. But a scribbled note of leftovers is not that or solid plans.

Have you tried sitting down and discussing your communication when you're not having an argument/threatening to break up with each other etc?

You sending continual messages via WhatsApp text etc won't help situations especially if they either of you have been drinking.

I think you probably both need a good adult conversation with each other and find a middle ground to communicating successfully with each other. That doesn't necessarily mean you getting it all one way and him having to change everything you also need to be understanding from his perspective