This shouldn't be happening after 9 years... should it?

[Dreamer190]

I’ve been with my bf for 9 years - we met at 19 at uni and we’re still a little childish when we met. I had some insecurity issues from my dodgy previous relationship and he had some anger issues. Safe to say those first few years were pretty volatile - some explosive rows and lots of mis communication issues. When we met we had an instant spark not just attraction but personality too. We always make each other laugh till we cry, we share similar views and hobbies, we have many multal friends who we solialise with often. Both our families love the other and we’ve spoken about buying a house, marriage, children. We’re saving up for those at the moment. In 9 years I’ve never cheated once and I believe he hasn’t either - we’ve no cause not to trust the other....

BUT, after 9 years we just cannot seem to communicate. We’ve spoken about this numerous times and just seem to be having the same argument on repeat. I’m so tired and exhausted I feel like it’s ruining what we have. I know relationships take work to nurture them and we have over the 9 years but I don’t feel like we’re moving forwards. Our arguments have been less explosive and we’ve both managed to rein back the behaviour that was annoying the other, but it’s still... I don’t know

Take yesterday as a case in point:
I was out for the day for a family day which had been planned a while - he had no plans for the day. In the morning when I left I said: don’t eat the leftovers in the fridge for lunch as well have those together for dinner, I’ll be back around 6ish, have a nice day, love you bye! He said: ok, have fun with your fam, love you bye!

During the day he msgs a couple of times just asking how the day is etc. He tells me he’s gone round a friends to watch sport with another friend of ours. (We have a mutual group with the mates & I saw them organising it on there so knew it was happening). I just said cool, don’t get too drunk lol.

6pm rolls around and I’m home and he says he’s having too much fun and doesn’t know when he’ll be home. I said but we had plans to hang and eat together and now you’re just leaving me in the lurch alone?

Que explosive argument over WhatsApp which culminates in him breaking up with me. He gets home at 11pm, goes to bed without talking about it and in the morning acts like nothing happened. When I try to bring it up he says ‘yeah well you were having a go at me and those plans weren’t set in stone. You don’t own me.’ He’s done this before - I.e the breaking up whilst drunk and then saying ‘I was drunk I didn’t mean it’ I nearly ended things two years ago as I was sick of it and said it was a childish way to deal with confrontation & messed with my emotions and wasn’t a relationship I wanted. He promised to change and things were good... just until recently. We’ve been arguing a lot and now this.

Was I in the wrong? Am I too demanding to expect him not to bail on plans? Am I making plans in my head and not informing him?! (What he says) I’m so confused - it’s been 9 years and I’m afraid that we can’t communicate... where does that even leave us?

I go from planning marriage and a life with this guy to wondering if its all been a waste of time and we should just end it from day to day sometimes! Help me

Your relationship sounds a bit...immature. I am not sure why he's messaging you whilst you're out and you sound very controlling making him come home to sit in the house with you whilst he's having fun with his mates. I think that was out of order.

I think you need to set aside this particular incident and think about the fact that he dumps you on social media and then acts as if nothing has happened the next day. That strikes me as being incredibly immature, and not a little manipulative. It is not a reasonable or adult way to resolve an argument, it just seems to be his way of putting you in your place and getting you to shut up when he can't be bothered to discuss something rationally. And you say this isn't the first time it's happened?

I am also concerned about this "explosive argument" thing. I don't think even being 19 and a bit childish is an excuse for acting in "volatile" ways towards another person. Certainly not now you're both 28 and you ought to know each other well enough to resolve disagreements without becoming verbally aggressive or throwing things or whatever it is you mean by "explosive". Think about how you would be reacting if this was any other kind of relationship - say, with a friend or family member. If you were unable to get along together without having stressful rows and unable to communicate properly, would you really want to keep seeing that person?

All serious good for thought. And very very helpful.

Planning to have the chat with him tonight after work... we'll see how we go

I meant to also say - thank you for all your honest and insightful advice.

Best of luck. And just think very seriously before doing anything that requires being an adult with this man.

In order for the conversation to get to the point of him breaking up with you, it takes two people to really work at it. You say something, he says something, you say something back, he replies...

Stop working at it.

If he's drunk, and you're not together in person, just stop talking.

Either he'll feel bad enough to come home and sort it out or he won't. Either way, he won't "dump" you via text.

But on the other hand look at this sentence:

"Don't eat the chicken, we're going to have it later"

Which seems to be the main purpose of this message?

A: Do not eat chicken
B: We eat together later

To me, it's more of meaning A than meaning B, so I can understand why he was confused by you being upset.

On the other hand he's acting incredibly childishly if his response is to drunken text you a breakup. Hypothetically you could communicate more clearly, but realistically I think you both needed to be better than you were in that particular scenario.

You've been together a long time since quite young. Do you give each other space?

• message less. It doesn't seem to be a great way for you to communicate.
• ignore him when he's drunk - giving him no attention during these times is just as good as being angry. Actually, you'll feel calmer for it.
• as another poster said, be clear. Did you want him not to eat the leftovers, or did you want to eat together, or both?
• if he's out having a good time, don't ask him to come back for vague plans to eat leftovers. Give space. It's when you're reasonable like this that you can rightly be pissed off should he seriously let you down. Then you have common ground and good boundaries because you're both trapped in a cycle of arguments/apologies/making-up and then waiting for the next flare up.

Being calm with each other will give you space to think what you want too.

In the morning when I left I said: don’t eat the leftovers in the fridge for lunch as well have those together for dinner, I’ll be back around 6ish

OP, I think you were perfectly correct to assume you were both going to be eating dinner together later that day, and, you are allowed to go and visit your family during the day!

I think you felt side lined, I would too, all he had to do was text you and say he'd not be home for dinner so you to just have yours yourself; it's definitely showing a lack of consideration, you are not OTT, I think between that and his threats of break up you just feel a little neglected, it's not the end of anything, just tell him next time, he needs to let you know if the plans have changed.

Hi all,

Realised I didn't do an update on this... not sure if anyone would be interested but just to close up the convo...

Thanks again for all the advice, I think it helped to set a framework in my mind of both sides of the argument. I did have a chat with him, which didn't really go anywhere and the same thing pretty much happened again a couple of weeks later. SO I agreed with his silly make-belief break up speech and said I didn't see a future for us unless we could communicate and resolve conflict in a mature way. I think that shocked him as I had always tried to talk and resolve things before.

He admitted he used it as a tactic to get me to 'stop doing stuff' and said he would do anything to make it right. The first thing that popped into my head was couples counselling. He was dead set against it as he's not a talker, thinks the whole thing is nonsense and begrudged paying money for it when we were trying to save. But I insisted on at least one session as a last ditch attempt to solve things or I was walking.

Well he went along (dragged his feet the whole way there & ignored me ) but he went which I was grateful for. And he talked! A lot! Which I was even more grateful for. And he looked at the councillor like she had just invented electricity. She managed to pin point our communication issues exactly and gave us the tools to improve how we talk to and understand one another.

I was elated after the session, but realised the proof would be in the pudding so to speak. Since then we've probably only had one disagreement worth mentioning (other than who's turn it is to do the washing up ) and it honestly felt like we were a different couple. Spoke clearly, calmly, explained each other's view point, really listened to one another - not just listened and then ignored, which is what the councillor said we were doing. No tears, no raised voices - whole thing was dealt with & resolved so quickly. I wish we'd done this years ago!

I know this is just one 'test' and not the end of the road, but I really feel like we've turned a page a bit. I love him so much, he's my best friend and after nearly 10 years now I still fancy him loads. This is why I've stayed with him, but this thing was eating away at what we have. I wish we'd done this years ago as it feels like we've never been in a better place.

Thanks again for the thoughts and I hope I don't have to post again!!

Sorry OP, but I think 100% YABU on this one.

You had plans all day, but expected him to be ready and waiting for you when you got home? Why should his day have to revolve around your day? It's not like you had specific dinner out plans or anything, just eating leftovers from the fridge.

Are you generally quite demanding/controlling?

I would have told my partner to have fun and get home safe. We regularly stay out when we said we'd be home because we're having too much fun.
I think you need to relax a bit and enjoy your own company when this happens.

Great update OP.
So glad some of this has been resolved.
Hopefully things continue to improve and everything works out for.
Well done on moving things forward.

That is an amazing update op, i am so happy for you.

Thank you

Oh Christ! You both need to grow up!