I have done something so stupid. In a mess and don’t know what to do.

[SuchAMassiveFool]

Please don’t flame me. I know I’ve been an idiot. A few months ago I dumped someone who wasn’t treating me very well, he was critical and showed signs of being controlling so I ended it. Cut a very long story short the police ended up getting involved as he wouldn’t leave me alone afterwards. The police told me they couldn’t tell me what exactly but after looking at this blokes record they said they had reason to be concerned for my safety and issued a harassment warning to him.

I won’t go into details but 3 months ago I ended up getting back with him. I am such a fool. My friends are so so angry with me and one of them said she is scared he will physically hurt me. When we got back together he promised me the world and was absolutely lovely to start with but now I’m back in the same old situation. One minute he is telling me Im the most amazing woman in the world and he wants to be with me forever and the next he’s critical and accusing me of cheating. He lies a lot too.

I need to end it but I am so scared. He has done a real number on me mentally as he keeps telling me I treat him terribly and he puts up with a lot from me. Please don’t judge me, I can’t believe how stupid I have been to go back to him but I do need to get out of this.

It's not unusual, this happens a fair bit

End it like last time. If police become involved then so be it

Delete/block/disengage but find a new distraction

Finish with him now, by text is fine, he doesn't deserve face-to-face or any more of your time. Block him on everything, get your friends and family around you for support, and if he doesn't leave you alone, go to the police. This will only get worse the longer you leave it. Next thing he'll have persuaded you to move in/get pregnant then you're truly trapped. At this point, you've only been back together for 3 months. Good luck, you do have the strength to do this, and if you don't think you do, let your friends help you through this.

Never listen to what a man says, words are not important. Look at how he treats you.

You know you need to leave, ask the police for advice how. Never go back after that.

Oh gosh thank you for not flaming
me. I really thought I was going to get some harsh replies. Thank you for the support it means a lot.

I am going to change my phone number after dumping him. Do you think that’s a good idea? Last time I blocked him on everything but he found ways of contacting me (new Facebook accounts, withheld number, different mobile numbers)

You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last so don’t worry about it being a second time round.

Finish it, be clear it won’t be happening again and walk away. And then block him on everything.

Can you stay with family for a while?

You do know what to do. You need to end it. Again. And ensure you don't get back with him a third time.

I would also suggest examining why you chose to get back with someone that the Police warned you away from. That suggests you have some issues you need to explore to ensure you don't fall into the same trap again.

Phone women’s aid too - they can discuss and support you with how to approach the breakup and the police

No flaming here - he’s the scary one

Hi Shatners You are right I do have issues and I am in therapy, have been for a while. My therapist helped me leave him the first time and she was very concerned when she found out I had gone back.

I had a extremely abusive childhood which has affected me terribly. My younger brother committed suicide 5 months ago and I have been feeling completely lost and low since then I haven’t been thinking straight at all and is another reason why I got swept back in by this man.

As pp has said, break up by text- you don't owe him anything. Make it really clear that you do not want him contacting you again.

Make your facebook profile private, you can even make it so that only friends can private message you.

Don't answer any withheld numbers or numbers you don't recognise. If they really want to get in touch they will message you. If he messages you, then block that number.

Might be an idea to keep a log of when he tries to contact you, it sounds like you may have a case for a restraining/no contact order.

He sounds exactly like my ex. He did end up hurting me, he beat me and raped me for 3 years before I eventually found the strength to leave, but it started exactly like this. You know what you need to do but do it safely. Tell the police that you are going to break up with him, ask friends to stay with you for a few days (maybe on some kind of rota so you aren’t alone?) and do it by text. Block him on everything, change your number. Does he know any passwords for email, facebook, banking, mumsnet etc? Change all those even if you don’t think he does as he may be able to guess. Change them to something totally random, open a dictionary, close your eyes and point at a word then add a @ or a * or something.

It’s scary but you must end it now before he hurts you.

I’m sorry you went through that well That is so awful. I hope you are doing ok now.

I’m going to change all my passwords and my phone number too. I think I will stay with family for a few days.

Please do it ASAP but make it clear this time it's final. Do you know his best friend? Do you know his family? Is it worth telling them too and then saying he might need some support from them to move on and leave you alone?

I'd be making sure I knew what to do in every eventuality. You need experienced, clear and sound advice so that you don't take anything he says to heart.

Sounds like you have been through a lot, OP. I am so sorry. You need to look after your own health and you might find that easier on your own right now or surrounded by your friends and those you trust 100%

Oh, Well, I'm so sorry. Can't imagine how you come out the other side from such a devastating experience, let alone find the strength to move on

Sorry for your loss
Call the police who helped before and tell them you are finishing with him again, they may do the same again or be advised to react quickly in an emergency. You may need an injunction, women's aid or legal advice

OP, it very often takes more than one attempt to get out of an abusive relationship and stay out. Don't beat yourself up further about that. End it, get support, and stay completely out of contact. Good luck.

Only support here OP. Keep posting so we know you're safe

I'm sure I read somewhere that it can take 20 or so attempts to leave an abusive relationship, so don't beat yourself up , the police also see it happen often .

Block him on everything, don't answer unknown numbers and I'd tell the police if he starts any nonsense.

Please could I recommend getting a Clare's Law on this guy too if you haven't already

^^ Yes, knowledge is power.

No judgement here, it’s not at all uncommon for people to struggle to make a clear break from an abuser. Please don’t let that put you off going back to the police, they will be very used to this exact situation.

The police wouldn’t have warned you about his record lightly. Please take heed of that and remember how devastating it will be for you, your family and friends if he hurts you or worse. He isn’t worth it. You deserve better.

Thank you, I’m doing really well know. I actually pressed charges and he was found guilty and sent down. It took a long time for me to heal and trust again, I did the freedom programme and had counselling. I know how scary it all is but you can do this and it might just save your life

Sorry meant to add I’m happily married to a kind, patient man who loves me and would never hurt me. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you deserve someone who treats you well.

If you were my friend I would be so relieved that you were leaving this dangerous situation. Well done.

Yy to ringing women aid and contacting the police BEFORE you tell him you are going.

Abusive men are so dangerous because they are so persuasive and because they are not always abusive they lure you in.

It’s very rare that people leave an anusive relationship fully the first time, so don’t beat yourself up about that.
But you need to think about your future and what you really want. Because he will try and keep you in his life.
I know what it feels like to be trapped in an abisive situation and it really does take a lot to leave.
Good luck