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Original poster

Splitting 50:50 when he is high earner

85 replies

Bluebellsagain · 01/10/2018 09:07

Will try and keep this short! Dp and I are engaged, set to marry next summer. We have been working on combining our finances which neither of us have ever done with a partner before. Last night we sat down and worked out our after tax incomes and the savings we are working towards eg. The balance of our wedding, a house deposit, holiday fund.

He is a pretty high earner and earns a third more than me (before tax and his voluntary pension contributions). After these he still earns net nearly £700 more than me per month. However, we split all household bills, rent 50/50 (always have.) In working out what we can afford to save in our different joint savings pots, we are supposed to both be saving the same amounts per month. It works out to c£600 per month savings each.
Now I won’t complain, I earn a good wage and I get a bonus which he does not. However his work provide free food, travel. Seeing it in black and white, in his account he will have £600 more than me disposable income per month. I don’t have a particularly small amount left at the end after savings/bills, I know I’m lucky, but the joint expenses and savings hurt my account more than his to the tune of £600. When I think about It this means that I can’t make the same level of voluntary pension contributions as he does. He said he is “only” £600 better off than me a month. That’s still quite a bit in my eyes?! My dad is also paying for about half our wedding and his family will not be contributing. I know this may not be relevant but I do all housework as I get home from work earlier (start earlier - we do the same hours.) I also pick up basically all costs for my dd except the odd gift he buys her(e.g. cost of ballet lessons, swimming, wraparound childcare etc.)
On reflection I’m wondering if this is the right set up. I don’t know if we should be splitting 50:50 like this. It is his choice to make those pension contributions for example - his employer already pays in a fair bit, as does mine. But we have worked out our “joint expenses” after his high voluntary pension contributions, and now I’m feeling like this is a bit unbalanced. We are supposed to be getting married after all.

Any views on merging of the finances, anyone?

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 01/10/2018 09:10

We have separate bank accounts but we put everything into one 'pot' in terms of our budget then split the money that's left after all of the expenditure on bills, joint savings account etc, 50:50.

Peonylover123 · 01/10/2018 09:12

It's his money, why should he pay any extra because you don't earn the same?

I really do not understand the old mindset. Women are trying to be on an equal level with men, this kind of mentality sets us back. Pay 50:50 - that is fair.
He earns more money than you so he gets to have the extra. £600 is not enough to start getting all up in arms about.

However, I would say that he can definitely treat you to a date night or something more often.

It's your family's choice to pay for half the wedding, nothing to do with him.

You doing the housework is YOUR choice, if you want him to do more, wait for him to get home to do it. If he'd refuse then you shouldn't be getting married.

I ONLY ever agree with finances being split (as in what is his money is also your money completely) when there are children (belonging to both of you) involved and one is a stay at home parent or working part time.

MMmomDD · 01/10/2018 09:14

OP - it bothers you, so unless you mention it, eventually resentment would build up.

For me - a more fair way would be to split expenses proportionally to the income. Or at least such the that the savings after expenses are a bit more balanced....

Are you planning to open up a joint account?

AlwaysSleepy1 · 01/10/2018 09:16

We do the same and both put in the same amount into.joint account even though he earns about 400 more a month- but OH pays for kids lessons (swimming gym rugby) and 4x as much fuel. I also control the joint account so if kids needed anything I can get it out or move extra cash to savers. If it's drastically more you could ask for 60:40 or something but i think it also depends on what he does with extra (does he pay for.joint items date nights etc. or just treat himself?) xx

AlwaysSleepy1 · 01/10/2018 09:19

Equally it sounds like DD isn't his so your contribution should be extra for her? xx

Justgivemeasoddingname · 01/10/2018 09:19

I don't get why all your incomes don't just go in to one account? Why split it?

All in. All bills out. Choose what to save. Choose what to spend. Bish bash bosh. Its a partnership isnt it?

So if he has more disposable income....does he pay for dinner when you go out? Or do you split it? If you need new shoes etc but can't afford them one month....but he can, do you borrow money and pay him back??? If you're both investing in this relationship then IMO it's all in and work at it.

Having a daughter does change things though.

Trills · 01/10/2018 09:21

The only thing I would consider "fair" is to have separate bank accounts, plus a bank account for all joint expenses, and to put into the joint account so that you both end up with the same amount of personal money.

You're going to be married. You are a team. You are not going to weigh up each of your contributions (financial and otherwise) and decide who "deserves" to have more personal money than the other.

ittakes2 · 01/10/2018 09:21

Its great you are sorting this out now. I'm sorry I am not one of those people who get the whole 50/50 thing. When lives are shared I think its works better not to have boundaries over money. Both my brother'n'laws met women who already had a child each. Both of them started contributing to the expenses of those children before they married their mums - they saw themselves as a family. Are you planning on having children? Are you going to continue to pay for your daughter while as a couple you split expenses 50/50 for any children you might have in the future?

Musti · 01/10/2018 09:21

I think whilst you're not married or a sahm then that's fair. You've got plenty of money so it's not like you're going without. However, split housework in half or get him to pay for a cleaner.

Also, why are your parents funding half the wedding and not him?

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 01/10/2018 09:24

I did this with my ex-husband. It made getting divorced really easy.

Original poster
Bluebellsagain · 01/10/2018 09:25

That’s why it feels awkward- children are on the cards for us in a couple of years and I feel like it’s be weird to see dd as my financial responsibility and the other kid/s as joint financial responsibility.
I’m not saying he owes me a living I just think if you’re having joint savings and expenses then how do you reconcile your household income being imbalanced? Unsure about pp who said I shouldn’t have as much money as him because of our jobs. I know nurses and teachers who work extremely hard and long hours but the nature of their work means the salary Dp gets will never be on the cards for them (due to his industry paying a premium). Does that mean they deserve less?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 01/10/2018 09:28

I really do not understand the old mindset. Women are trying to be on an equal level with men, this kind of mentality sets us back. Pay 50:50 - that is fair

Since when was this to do with gender? Confused

When we started out I earned 6x what my DH did and yet from the off our attitudes have been that we are of equal value in our partnership and what a company will pay us isn’t a true reflection of our value to each other so really isn’t relevant.

We therefore always manage things so we have equal disposable income. However I won’t do a joint account as our spending patterns are so different and it’s easier to keep our money separate so there’s no score keeping involved. Smile

Lots of people believe that what their job pays them is a true reflection of their worth and don’t have an issue with seeing their partner worse off than them, I can’t see how you could be of this mindset if you love someone?

We have many friend who work at minimum wage or are unable to work due to incapacity, we have many more who are ‘high fliers’. The high fliers are better people or worth more to us than those who don’t have that earning capacity.

I’m glad the OP is thinking about this now before she gets married. It may be a big issue for them in future so best sorted now.

Lonesurvivor · 01/10/2018 09:28

Pay for the wedding yourselves and put whatever your dad gives you into savings.

To be honest right now it's not a huge issue as you have sufficient earnings yourself but what will happen down the line if you decide to have more children, I'm assuming your he is not your dd father, or even became ill and experienced a drop in income?
I wouldnt necessarily want joint finances now if I were in your shoes but I'd be very wary of committing to a husband who was reluctant to merge finances into one pot.

If the shoe were on the other foot would you be comfortable having £600 more per month than your dp?

NC4Now · 01/10/2018 09:30

I’ve lived with two men - my DC father and my ex husband. Both times we did it proportionately.
Eg our combined outgoings were 40% of our combined income, so we each paid 40% of our individual income and had the rest to spend or save as we wanted.
I always felt that was fair.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 01/10/2018 09:31

I think the problem when you have an unbalanced income and split outgoings 50:50 is that either the higher earner is 'living down' or the lower earner is spending more than they would otherwise have chosen. I don't think there is an easy answer, which is why I just put it all in one pot.

SandyY2K · 01/10/2018 09:31

He's choosing to put more in the pension pot...so it's not really right for you to take issue with that.

It's your daughter...so you should have the bulk of expenses for her. The problem will be if you have more kids and you have to still pay 100% of your DDs expenses and split the expenses with joint kids. You'll forever be the poorer one...so you may need to discuss this now.

As far as the housework is concerned...what is it that needs to be done on a daily basis apart from cooking?

He can do his share on the weekends...do not build a rod for your own back. Get him to pitch in now or you'll get resentful and feel like a skivvy.

Joysmum · 01/10/2018 09:31

the high fliers are not* better people or worth more to us...

That changed the sentiment a bit Grin

Bluntness100 · 01/10/2018 09:36

We do a percentage of our earnings into the joint pot. But if you've a reasonable amount left and your daughter is yours, (does her father contribute?) then I'd say it's fair enough it's split equally like this.

Things will likely change when you have kids, but you should take that discussion now.

tictac86 · 01/10/2018 09:37

Iv just had to cut my hours to become a carer for fil and we are just putting all earnings in a pot together and taking £200 a month for disposable/treat money. The rest is bills and savings.

Justgivemeasoddingname · 01/10/2018 09:37

How do you reconcile your household income being imbalanced?! Confused The same way that you are imbalanced.....he's probably stronger than you- what happens if he mends something? Do you owe him? Or if you cook more than him....does he take you out in return? If you go on joliday together does he get to enjoy it more because he paid more? Do you and dd stay on the beach and watch him on the banana boat??? I just don't get it.
Why compare?? Money goes in and bills get paid. You a buy what is necessary, and what is right for you all as a family.what will happen when you have babies and your income drops? Or don't go back to work Shock then you'll have no income.
IMHO life doesn't work like that it's teamwork.

raisinsraisins · 01/10/2018 09:46

I don’t think I could marry someone if I was going to have to carry on paying everything for my DD myself, and my DH would only be paying towards our DC that we would have together. Your DD May notice and be resentful. A blended family should mean that all children are treated equally. Eg Will your future DC maybe go to private school and your DD to state?

Prettyvase · 01/10/2018 09:47

Are you joking?

You need to price in the cost of the house work before it is ever fair!!

£10 an hour at least! And then who stops work because of a potential child's sickness etc?

I cannot believe your fiance thinks it's remotely fair!! That's more of the worry I would have over this.

Stop paying half and the £ paid by your dad for your wedding should go to your dd and ask him to fork out for it since you have been doing so much or housework voluntarily!!

He needs to put his extra ££ into the pot voluntarily to show equal kindness to you if he'd rather not lift a finger around the home ( let's not even go into the resentment this is going to bring you down the line).

Original poster
Bluebellsagain · 01/10/2018 09:51

Thanks for the thoughts. I’m not trying to be money grabbing or whatever. I only mentioned the chores because he in his previous living arrangement paid for a cleaner and he would rather we do this than do the cleaning so me keeping the house up technically saves us money on that. I feel like I do carry a lot of the emotional labour which is maybe what’s really on my mind. I would say we are fairly equal as partners but then I do all of our admin, household management, planning holidays/groceries etc.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 01/10/2018 10:02

Just go add in, when my dad remarried I went from being an only child to one of five. My dad married in the basis we became a truly blended family. I respect him for that despite the fact she bought zero into the marriage due to debt. My dad is s remarkable man to some but it’s just what we believe to be right.

madmother1 · 01/10/2018 10:04

I've just had my DP move in. He's renting his house out and has no bills now apart from his car. We sat down and discussed everything and put it down on an excel spreadsheet. He wanted to just pay a token amount but I pointed out that he'd be left with £1k to spend and me nothing!
So, now we've come to a compromise and I'm happy with the revised contribution. With my previous DH we put everything into the pot and paid ourselves pocket money. Hope you get it sorted out.