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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you break up over this?

73 replies

GinAndSlimPlease · 30/09/2018 20:24

This is a bit of a weird one. I’ve with my boyfriend for five months and last night we went out for my friends birthday party. He hadn’t met this particular group of friends before. As soon as we walked in BF looked very anxious, pulled me to one side and said that he knew one of the women in the room as they’d previously met on a dating app before he knew me. He said it was about a year before we met and nothing happened beyond a few messages. I didn’t have a problem with that at all and we had a nice evening. I didn’t think anything of it.

However today my friend whose birthday it was called me to say that she had spoken to the dating app woman and apparently my boyfriend matched with her on the app a month before me and him met (so he lied about the timing), nothing really happened with them (none of my business if it did tbh) but he has messaged her a few times over the past couple of months. She said she thought I should know and sent me screen shots of the messages. They weren’t flirty, just ‘hey how are you? I’m bored at work, what you doing?’ kind of thing. My boyfriend has point black said this didn’t happen even though I’ve seen them!! He then keeps saying he doesn’t remember sending them and that this woman is clearly jealous that he’s with me and not her.

The problem is, I’ve had my suspicions that he’s not entirely trustworthy but there’s never been firm evidence just things like being overprotective with his phone, being on Facebook for hours every evening and hiding his friends list on there.

All things considered would it be wise to break this off? My gut feeling is he is not to be trusted.

OP posts:
Thethiniceofanewday · 30/09/2018 21:05

Bin him. He's not just lying, he's gaslighting you - trying to make you disbeleve what you know to be true (from the screenshots).

TheBigFatMermaid · 30/09/2018 21:06

As always, AnyFucker gets straight to the point and is right!

Get rid! You should have got rid on gut instinct alone, learn to trust that.

NotANotMan · 30/09/2018 21:09

He obviously panicked when he saw her because he knew he'd been pursuing her during your relationship. He's taking you for a mug, sorry Flowers

UsuallyContent · 30/09/2018 21:10

He is far too comfortable lying!
He is basically planning to cheat really.

TooTrueToBeGood · 30/09/2018 21:14
  1. He's lying to you;
  2. He must think you're a mug given that his lies are so transparent;
  3. He's almost certainly fishing for a bit on the side and his defensive strategy at the party pretty much removes the "almost".
TeacupTattoo · 30/09/2018 21:19

The lies are so blatant! How many women is he texting if he can't remember doing so haha. Seriously, it's him showing his true colours and there are much more loyal men out there.

sittingonacornflake · 30/09/2018 21:21

I couldn't tolerate the lies. Get out.

MarthasGinYard · 30/09/2018 21:23

You've discovered him lying I would be direct ' I don't like liars, you hold no credibility with me any longer. Bye bye'

Original poster
GinAndSlimPlease · 30/09/2018 21:27

I’ve just called him to break it off and he turned it all round on me! Said I’m insecure with trust issues, that I make mountains out of molehills, that I’ve been looking for a reason to break up with him for ages, that I’m an idiot for listening to other people,
I’m paranoid and he’s had enough of me anyway.

I feel a bit rattled after that. He was adamant he’s done nothing wrong. I’m not nuts am I? I know I shouldn’t listen to him but he was so spiteful. Sad

OP posts:
ClangerTwanger · 30/09/2018 21:30

He’s trying to make you out to be the crazy one, typical when he’s been caught out. Ignore absolutely everything he says. It’s all a load of shite. He is guilty and angry with you for catching him out and being strong enough to tell him to piss off. Good on you. Head held high and move on! Xx

Original poster
GinAndSlimPlease · 30/09/2018 21:32

Thank you clanger I needed to hear that x

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 30/09/2018 21:36

Yes angry he's been caught. So often seen on threads here. You've done the right thing in getting rid OP.

TooTrueToBeGood · 30/09/2018 21:36

I feel a bit rattled after that

Don't be. His response has just removed any remaining doubt that he's a dick. You're well rid.

Gemini69 · 30/09/2018 21:36

did you expect any less OP... of course he's raging... he's been foudn out.. Hmm block him and move on lovely Flowers

AnyFucker · 30/09/2018 21:37

He is a gaslighting prick. You are well rid.

UsuallyContent · 30/09/2018 21:37

Well rid.

HuckfromScandal · 30/09/2018 21:39

Davros.
What an arse.
Well done for listening to your gut, well done for getting out now,
Onwards and upwards!!

Thatstheendofmytether · 30/09/2018 21:40

I had a situation a bit like this with my dp. Unfortunately when I found out I was already 6 months pregnant. This incident happened around a year before I found out about it. At the time it happened we had only been together a few months. I have never properly forgiven him and if I had found out at the time I would have probably ended it tbh. There was about 7 private messages back and forward, 1 pretty inapropriate one from him. They seemed to be the only messages between them, so I forgave him (probably because I was pregnant, already had a child alone before I met him and I was terrified to be alone again with a new born). There was something else that made it slightly worse but don't like to talk about it because I have absolutely no proof and it makes me want to cry and I feel like shit when I talk about it.
7 years later, it still plays on my mind and I still bring it up on the very odd occasion, which is why I think I would probably have ended it if I had found out at the time. Can't stand liars. He has never (As far as I know) messaged anyone like this since. I used to keep quite a close eye.

Thatstheendofmytether · 30/09/2018 21:42

Well seems like you are well rid, when I told my dp I had found out he cried because he was devastated he had hurt me so much (he never cries about anything).

Thatstheendofmytether · 30/09/2018 21:43

I say cried, he welled up 😂

NotANotMan · 30/09/2018 21:46

Don't you think that a decent guy would have been reassuring not spiteful?

Wolfiefan · 30/09/2018 21:50

Totally not nuts. A glimpse of what you’ve avoided. Being treated badly and then blamed for it. What an arsehole he is. Gaslighting you when he was messaging someone else for two of the five months you’ve been together. That you know of. Lucky escape OP.

Didsomeonesaybunny · 30/09/2018 21:50

Another vote for dumping OP. Lies at the very start of the relationship ship however harmless are a massive red flag.

MarthasGinYard · 30/09/2018 21:51

Ugh how predictable

You've so done the right thing

Shadow1234 · 30/09/2018 22:03

He's trying to play the victim card! Putting you on a guilt trip!
Dont fall for it, and move on, very quickly.