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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help. Husband left me... ‘not in love’

46 replies

Chazel19 · 30/09/2018 15:19

My husband of 8yrs left me 4 weeks ago because he said that he is no longer in love with me. I am 31, we have a three month old baby and a 3yo.

He came back after a week - said he missed me and said he is open to counselling but is totally apathetic about it & wants until Christmas to decide what he wants. I have been desperate to work at things and save us but i think need to accept the marriage is over. I still feel like I love him but don’t think we have a future now. I’m also aware that their is ‘probably’ an OW involved after reading all the threads on MN, but there is no sign as of yet. I’m not interested in snooping either as I just don’t have the time or energy! That thought makes me feel even worse so I’m trying not to dwell on it, but he has cheated twice before we were married 8 years ago so I know it’s probable that she will turn up eventually.

Apart from losing someone that I love one of the things that is really terrifying me is being single. I know I need to work on myself and feel content alone before I can be ready for a new relationship. But all my friends are getting married or having their first child and I feel like I’ve gone backwards. Even once I feel secure in myself again, I can’t imagine meeting anyone or finding anyone who would be interested now I have two children! I just feel so hopeless and almost panicked when I think about the reality of being alone. When I feel like this I want to message my Husband and beg for him to return which I know isn’t the answer.

Feeling very very low.

OP posts:
disneyprincess87 · 30/09/2018 15:23

Hi OP. I'm so sorry to hear about what youre going through.
Just try to live in the now, enjoying your little ones and making happy memoirs but I know it's ridiculously hard. But can do it. You've got an inner strength to draw upon which you may not know is there.
I found out my husband didn't love me in Nov and I was kept in limbo until August when he decided to separate. You must look after yourself and your little ones, they will keep you going, give you a reason to get up in the morning and help to move you forward.
Have you got someone to talk to? You can't keep this to yourself, I put to much pressure on myself to keep it together and suffered from panic attacks.
Sending lots of strength xx

Leah2005 · 30/09/2018 15:27

Try not to think too far ahead - just get through one day at a time and you'll look back and see how far you've come. Sending you love. It's hard but you can do it. Flowers

Leah2005 · 30/09/2018 15:30

I say this 15 years post separation/divorce and now remarried. X

Original poster
Chazel19 · 30/09/2018 16:00

Thank you for your replies. That’s really encouraging leah!

Self esteem is at rock bottom & I am currently seeing him most days as need help with the little ones.

Never thought I’d be in this position.

OP posts:
IrishGryffindor · 30/09/2018 16:04

I dont understand, why did you marry him if he had cheated before ? I went out with a guy once who snogged someone and got rid of him the day I found out !

I know plenty of single mums who are 35 + who have met amazing partners and husbands please dont think about being single as a bad thing :) take time to reflect and decide what you want and love yourself.. you dont need anyone to complete you and when you accept that you will meet the one ! X

Original poster
Chazel19 · 30/09/2018 16:09

I’m an idiot, I know. I loved him and life was unthinkable without him...

I’d rather not dwell on that to be honest x

OP posts:
IrishGryffindor · 30/09/2018 16:14

Oh no sweet heart dont think like that please.

I am that girl who dumps over a snog like I cant handle that stuff at all. I have trust issues from my ex!

Do you have low self esteem and self love issues ??? X

Original poster
Chazel19 · 30/09/2018 16:20

I think so! I’m learning a lot about myself... it’s painful to think I accepted this & married him.... & now 8 years later I’m starting over :(

OP posts:
Highcontinental · 30/09/2018 20:12

You sound great op, with your head screwed on and eyes open.

Don’t take him back and tell him it’s over. You don’t want someone who clearly had another woman and is prepared to treat you like this.

I wish I’d done that: I fannied about trying to make it work, awful

If it gives you hope, I’m much older than you, have kids, and found a lovely partner after all that😊

Original poster
Chazel19 · 30/09/2018 20:48

Thank you HC. I find weekends really hard as most people are with their partners and I just feel really lonely. I’m glad you found someone new though that’s brilliant.

I couldn’t take him back now. Our relationship is damaged beyond repair. I would never be secure with him.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 30/09/2018 23:56

I'd be telling him I want a divorce. No waiting till Christmas and sort out visitation with the DC. See a solicitor and get advice on your situation.

Why should you be left hanging...like the fall back girl or plan B in case it doesn't work out with the OW.

If you allow a man to treat you like crap..he will.

You need to get tough... act like you don't give a damn and implement the 180 to help you.

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html?m=1

He cheated twice...that was your signal to end it...because he clearly had a problem with fidelity.

LellyMcKelly · 01/10/2018 04:25

Don’t give him the power. He has you over a barrel by telling you he wants to wait until Christmas to decide if he wants you. He’s probably waiting to see how things pan out with the OW. The cheeky fucker. Tell him what you said here - that you feel there is no future in the relationship - and that it’s time to move on. You’re only 31 and you’ve just had a baby, and he’s a complete bastard. You will meet someone knew who thinks you’re amazing (I managed it at 46 so you’ll have men beating down your door once you’ve extricated yourself from this mess). He’ll get a right shock when he realises you’re not playing his game anymore.

Original poster
Chazel19 · 01/10/2018 06:22

Kelly and Sandy you are so right.

I want to end it but part of me can see that he is a massive coward and I want him to say the words. I think he is hoping I will end it so he doesn’t have to and he gets away with the job. I know I need to move on so will get on with dojng so anyway, but really don’t want to make it easy for him by ending it for him.

Thank for you the link as well, all makes perfect sense x

OP posts:
whymewhyme · 01/10/2018 06:28

You need to end it, I think he wants to wait till after Xmas cuz he feels bad on the children. don't prolong the inevitable.

Butterfly44 · 01/10/2018 06:28

No he doesn't get to say that and maybe be back in!!
He wants somewhere to stay until Xmas, then he can go rent somewhere. It will mess with your mind having him back living separately with him messaging OW and making excludes to go out and see her.
He doesn't get to abandon you and the kids and stick around like that

SandyY2K · 01/10/2018 06:32

It's not about making it easy for him...It's showing you aren't willing to be messed around.

It's showing you won't put up with a husband who thinks he can call the shots.

It's about retaining some control, self respect and power about your life.

It's about knowing you deserve to be treated better than this.

toolazytothinkofausername · 01/10/2018 06:35

If weekends are the hardest, give the 3yo to daddy and you take the 3 month old. See your ex as childcare.

MudCity · 01/10/2018 06:43

You are amazing. You may not think it but you are!

Don’t beg him or plead with him. Don’t let him know what you are thinking or enable him to feel that you are an option if it doesn’t work out for him elsewhere.

Behave as though you have already moved on and you can manage very well without him. You may not be thinking it but your thoughts will catch up eventually.

Leaving you with a three month old baby is not forgivable in my book and he has shown himself to be unreliable and weak. You can, and will, do so much better. And, if you decide to work at the marriage, let it be your decision as to whether you want him back, not his. Let him see the strong woman you are and recognise that he isn’t the one who calls the shots here, not now, not ever.

Bananamanfan · 01/10/2018 06:46

I'm so sorry, op. What a shitty time for him to choose to leave and 'not love you anymore' (what a child). Do you have family nearby or anyone that can stay with you for a bit? Flowers

FishesThatFly · 01/10/2018 06:48

Where's he living?.

He needs to have the children EOW. Don't fall in the trap of always having the kids and him free to live a single life.

Don't do the pick me dance. There will be a OW...you just haven't found out yet.

Time to get hard and not be a push over.

Happened to me and lot's of others on here. First thing l did was tell him he had the kids EOW and half of school holidays. I found the look of WTF on his face most amusing.

Sort out benefits asap as they take a few weeks to kick in.

Sohardtochooseausername · 01/10/2018 07:01
Flowers

I am going through similar at the moment and it’s really tempting to take him back. It’s also tempting to try and get him to tell the truth - but liars lie. It’s like a disease!

Don’t take him back. It must be hard with 2 very small children but if he’s gone and he has past form of lying and cheating don’t take him back. You can share the parenting and be amicable raising your children but don’t take him back. Standing firm will make you feel better about yourself.

I’ve been blown away by all the support and it’s made me feel much stronger and able to face the future. As others have said you will find love again, and it can be with someone who does actually love you.

I for now am just relishing the thought of getting all his crap out of the house and from under the bed. Hoovering him away and watching whatever I want to on TV.

Moffa · 01/10/2018 07:15

Agree with you OP, the thought of being alone is terrifying. I have a 3yo & 1yo. The difference for me is that I’m the one who wants to leave. Fed up with my workaholic husband spending no time with me & the kids (he worked ALL weekend in his family business) so I’m basically alone anyway! Following this thread as love all the positive advice & stories. Good luck OP Flowers

MudCity · 01/10/2018 07:18

I agree with previous posters...split the childcare so he knows he will be having them half the time and start that now. He may think he can be ‘free’ to do as he likes but be clear that he needs to have them half the time, not just when he feels like it.

Flowers for you. You have a brighter future ahead and you are young enough to enjoy it!

Original poster
Chazel19 · 01/10/2018 09:31

Thanks everyone for your replies really appreciate it.

He moved out and is living in a shared house so can’t have the kids at his accommodation. He has them at mine and I go out.

To be fair he is excellent with the kids and has always been great with chores etc. When I’ve been out he has let himself in and cleaned the whole house and done the food shopping. I know that is really odd but it was really helpful. He is obviously feeling the guilts.

Feeling so wobbly today after seeing him. Sounds pathetic but i am still attracted to him. Wish my feelings would just turn off.

He clearly doesn’t have the courage to end it.

OP posts:
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