Help. Husband left me... ‘not in love’

[Chazel19]

My husband of 8yrs left me 4 weeks ago because he said that he is no longer in love with me. I am 31, we have a three month old baby and a 3yo.

He came back after a week - said he missed me and said he is open to counselling but is totally apathetic about it & wants until Christmas to decide what he wants. I have been desperate to work at things and save us but i think need to accept the marriage is over. I still feel like I love him but don’t think we have a future now. I’m also aware that their is ‘probably’ an OW involved after reading all the threads on MN, but there is no sign as of yet. I’m not interested in snooping either as I just don’t have the time or energy! That thought makes me feel even worse so I’m trying not to dwell on it, but he has cheated twice before we were married 8 years ago so I know it’s probable that she will turn up eventually.

Apart from losing someone that I love one of the things that is really terrifying me is being single. I know I need to work on myself and feel content alone before I can be ready for a new relationship. But all my friends are getting married or having their first child and I feel like I’ve gone backwards. Even once I feel secure in myself again, I can’t imagine meeting anyone or finding anyone who would be interested now I have two children! I just feel so hopeless and almost panicked when I think about the reality of being alone. When I feel like this I want to message my Husband and beg for him to return which I know isn’t the answer.

Feeling very very low.

OP, you need to find your anger, your pride and your dignity. You don’t love this pathetic shit of a man - you loved the man you thought he was. That man doesn’t exist.
It’s time to take control of the situation. See a solicitor, sort the finances and the child care and start telling your ex what to do. Don’t meekly sit waiting for him to decide whether he wants to graciously honour you with his presence or go off chasing other women. Find your power and wield it. Good luck.

I know bab... why am I being so weak? I’d say exactly the same to anyone going through this. I’d tell them to stuff his ‘time to think’

I don’t want be the one to end it because I want him to squirm and do it for good. I will sleep at night knowing it was not my decision to break up our family. I know that sounds silly.

I keep seeing families everywhere and getting pangs of physical pain. Don’t understand how this could happen...

Need to find to some god damn anger and strength xx

OP don’t wait for him to end it. He won’t. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Except he is the bad guy. It sucks. I’m speaking from the experience of forgiving one affair when DD was 2 yo, and having discovered another 3 years later. And he still won’t leave!!

I will sleep at night knowing it was not my decision to break up our family.
But it wasn't and it won't be.

He did that when he told you he didn't love you any more and moved out. He's still moved out and making no effort to save the marriage. So you making formalised arrangements based on you both living separately is not you ending the marriage. He did that when he left home.

Ask him to leave and take control back in to your own hands for you and your children.
Stop facilitating him, down tools. He should feel the consequences of his choices. 50% parenting for starters. The time you get back is your time - you're not accountable to him whatsoever.

Get all your affairs in order. Have copies of paperwork, marriage certificates, bank/mortgage/pension records. Do you work? Its time to put yourself first and maneuver to a good position. He has forfeited his right to your concern the day he abandoned his family. Close him down in your life: grey rock.

Really try and focus on your kids and enjoying every moment with them and making memories with them, just you and them. They will only be little for so long, don't look back on this time blaming him for ruining this time (although you have ever right to, don't let him ruin this).

I know :(

Just feel so sick and unsettled.

Don’t want to be alone.

Don’t want a broken family.

Don’t want to see him with another woman.

Can’t imagine finding someone else.

Not that it would be a good idea for find someone else anyway! It would be a disaster.

Aghhhh how do I get through.

Currently on mat leave but yes I work 4 days a week. I’m the main earner and will be able to keep my home and have a wealth of family and friends to support me. I can also thankfully also accept the offer from parents to borrow money whilst on mat leave to stay off for as long as I planned before he dropped his bomb. I know logistically I’m going to be fine.

He starts paying maintenance next month and we’ve agreed a decent amount. (I know at the start they are guilty so offer more so it might not last)

I’m just dreading the other woman surfacing. I feel sick.

I

So he cheated on you twice, and has left you with a 3 year old and a tiny newborn?

As sandy says, 'I'd be telling him I want a divorce. No waiting till Christmas and sort out visitation with the DC. See a solicitor and get advice on your situation'

Get rid op. He's a waste of a man.

Sorry that this has happened to you.
It's easy for me to say, but please don't worry too much about meeting someone again.
Your husband has broken your trust. His words show that at that point, he didn't care for your feelings or for the family he has created with you. If you can forgive that and allow him back into your life, then go ahead. If you feel you will have recurring trust issues and it will cause inner and outer conflict for you and disturb your children, then don't allow him back as a husband in your life.
Either way, if I were you, I would assume that I am now single and I would ensure that I strengthen my base so that I do not feel the crippling vulnerability most people experience when their husband leaves out of the blue. Building financial stability and a support network helps people cope when eventually a split takes place. The more socially connected you are to others, the easier it will be for you to move on later as well. Remember, you will not be the only single person out there if you choose to divorce your husband.

I understand the social pressure to stay married and act like your family has got it together. Your life should be lived on your terms to impress yourself, not others. Being stuck in a loveless marriage is the equivalent of going backwards in life. Nuns are single and in their world view, they probably think they are ahead of the rest of us.

Having said all of the above, there are many marriages that unnecessarily end in divorce too. Marriage isn't always sunshine. There will be rainy days and working through the challenges helps make a bond resilient. Your husband did say he wants to work through the issues, so perhaps that's an opportunity to build a more resilient bond? Whether or not he is genuine, only you can judge. Good luck and sorry you have to go through this. Hope all gets better.

Just feel so sick and unsettled

Yes, it sucks but it will pass.

Don’t want to be alone.

Yes it's daunting but it does get easier and I have to say, you get less sadz about it and start liking your own company. I think it's good to rebuild your own self during this time and you heal too.

Don’t want a broken family.

Yes but he's not exactly trying to keep you guys together is he? So basically you have no choice.

Don’t want to see him with another woman.

Mine left for the OW and over 2 years on, Ive never met her so try not to dwell on this. You might be able to engineer that you don't see her?

Can’t imagine finding someone else.

This is normal. You need time to heal and recover so try not to think about this.

Not that it would be a good idea for find someone else anyway! It would be a disaster.

At least you recognise it's too soon.

Aghhhh how do I get through.

We just do, we have to. We just crack on because we haven't got a choice. One hour/day at a time and reach out for help. Work on your own life, self esteem and be gentle with yourself 💐

The more you write the bigger waste of space he is. I know you don't feel this way but you are going to be fine. Not straight away but fairly quickly.

There is no lonelier place than an unhappy relationship. I know it is heartbreaking but it also the road to your future happiness.

Here’s my thread from 2 years ago, before I found out about the second affair. MN was telling me to leave but I thought I could fix it. I couldn’t. Your case might be different. But I wish I’d had the benefit of hindsight - I wouldn’t have had my heart broken twice and - I might have gotten over stbx and been going out with someone who would have spoiled me rotten for my 40th instead of someone who didn’t even buy me a present.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2776892-To-feel-harrassed-about-OHs-affair

It's so good to hear that you know you will be able to stand on your own 2 feet financially without him; so many women end up struggling in this situation.
You need to give yourself more credit. You're looking after 2 small children plus dealing with emotional bomb he's dropped in your life, you really are doing very well.

Him coming to your house to be with the kids has got to stop though. It is his responsibility to live somewhere suitable for his children. You may think he's being kind by cleaning the house etc, but actually he's just marking his territory. How can you move on, start a new relationship or just put your feet up if he's in your house all the time?

Tell him that on his next contact day he needs to take the children out, it's not your concern where, that's for him to sort out.

Say you need to start doing this now because otherwise it will be odd when you're dating and he is coming round and your new partner is in the house.
Make it clear that you are separated. You will be moving on. You are lovable and if he doesn't love you then there are plenty of other men who will, it's his loss.

Look what he has done, basically ran out on you with a 3 year old and a 3 month old; yeah I'd imagine he's currently cheating on you just like he has in the past; twice that you know of. You really need to find your anger and stop allowing him to call the shots, it's him who has ended it when he told you he was leaving! Do not allow him to use you as the fall back until Xmas; wha an absolute nerve he has.

Also tell him to arrange a place to see his own kids as you are not willing to leave your home; he caused the situation. Get legal advice asap. He has two lives, one where he pops back home and plays part time daddy and probably another with is OW; stop making this easy for him; he's treated you abysmally.

Thanks everyone. Every time I feel down and wobbly I come on here and re-read. You all have such clarity.

I don’t see any other option for him to use my home at the moment to see the kids. I know they are safe there and have all their things there - steriliser, bottles, etc and it’s just easier. It’s no issue for me to leave as my mums is down the road. It’s not ideal and if this ends up being a permant separation (I guess I need to stop saying if!!!) he will need to get his own flat. But again, if (or I guess WHEN) OW appears I absolutely don’t want my kids around her at the moment. Or ever!!! I’m also not ready for my 3 yo to see their dad living elsewhere. At the moment he doesn’t realise he has gone. But again, I know eventually it will happen. 😖😖😖 he can’t afford anything other than a shared house after maintenance at the moment

I am shocked at how tolerant I am
of him. I am pretty sure I have self esteem issues and need take a look at how i let others treat me and my perception of myself. Perhaps once I’ve done this I’ll attract a different sort of man in the future.

It’s hard because I still care for my husband and do miss him. But I know he checked out of our marriage a long time ago and didn’t value our marriage enough to communicate with me so we could save it. Instead he told me he didn’t love me and left, but hasn’t committed to fully ending it just incase he wants to come back. Awful really

Do you really want years of this op? Because he's not going to change. He has a track record for cheating. Yes he's probably seeing someone else, but as PP said he's not the man you thought he was, so it doesn't matter.

I'm a bit older than you and single, also with two dc. It can be tricky, juggling work, children and custody etc but overall I'm much happier and more optimistic than I was when I was in a dead relationship.

Dating will come in time, I waited until dc2 was age 2 so I could go out for an evening etc. Haven't met anyone yet but I know people who have.

Good luck

I think I might want him back now because it’s familiar and less terrifying. It’s what I know. I still like him as a person despite how much he has treated me like an option, (and that’s putting it mildly!)

But, I don’t think I could be happy with him again. I would be on guard and resentful. This would make me suspicious and tense... it would make our home an atmosphere of tension. It would be a disaster.

Looking back on events lately (Xmas, family days out...etc) I can realise that something didn’t feel right with him. Like he was depressed or not enjoying himself which then made me feel like it was my fault and try too hard. And I have been feeling insecure about his phone and social media for a while. I swear by my gut instinct but I’ve been ignoring this for too long. He hasn’t been happy for a while and I think I could eventually find someone who would enjoy spending time with me and perhaps even my children!!

He’s being super dad on the two days he has with the boys which annoys me, although it’s good for my kids obviously. I could do that if I was getting a full night’s sleep each night!

I go through waves of grief and almost panic where I want to message him. Then I feel ok. And then I’m back to feeling anxious and despairing... so exhausting x

Really feel for you, walks out on his two kids not just you! Get as much family and friend support as you can and tell them exactly what a cunt he has been to you, this will make you stronger, put a face on for him, let him see that you can manage perfectly well without him; i know plenty who have coped fine with two kids but it is hard work, ensure he does his bit, two days a week, what a joke! Get the separation official as soon as you can, take the control away from him, he's having the life of riley, you are not.

He could surely take them out somewhere, instead he uses your home with all the commodities, nice and easy, stop making it easy for him; does he not have family that he can take them to, let him manage the bottles, nappies etc, they are his kids and he decided to leave them. Such a shame for you OP, I really hope your family and friends are helping you, he has not got your back.

I think you're feeling especially vulnerable because you've only just given birth. It's natural, primal, that you would be looking for complete security at this time. Instead you've got him.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you. Thankfully, your feelings will slowly switch off and die, clearing the decks for your lovely future.

Hold on, this will pass. It really will. Be kind to yourself

I’m so sorry, this is so hard having a small baby would make this even harder.

Have you got friends and family to support you? I can imagine if you do they are all outraged by his behaviour! Please do accept their offers of support if they are available.