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Original poster

Overly sensitive family member. I'm going mad...

42 replies

Ornitorrinco · 30/09/2018 14:25

35 weeks pregnant and really struggling with one particular family member.

She's very emotional and tends to take everything personally. I'm very good at playing devils advocate and have never fallen out with this (or any) family member, however she has fallen out with a lot of people (friends and family). It's never her fault...

She's upset that I didn't invite her to any of my antenatal appointments, and gets upset when I meet up with other family members without telling her. She's asking if she can come and stay before and after baby is born - the idea fills me with complete and utter dread. Whenever I'm in her neck of the woods I have to lay low and ask people I'm meeting up with not to post on social media as she would likely be upset I didn't come to see her (I just don't have time sometimes and quite frankly can do without the stress at the moment!).

I love this family member. I don't have the heart to cut her out of my life, but I just can't cope with her. She's emotionally draining and I am running out of excuses re putting off her visits.

If I am honest with her about how I feel it'll cause a huge shit storm which I just cannot deal with right now.

How would you deal with a situation like this? Keep putting off visits, and being sneaky when you're in her city with risk of her finding out and thus having a meltdown? Tell her how I feel and again risk a total meltdown and unbelievable amount of stress?

It's amazing how much stress one person can cause. I can only be kind and understanding for so long...

OP posts:
springmachine · 30/09/2018 14:36

She sounds like she annoys you but you don't seem very kind

Annandale · 30/09/2018 14:41

Yeah id keep going with the putting off visits. It sounds as if the pregnancy has triggered an intensification of her feelings - does she have children herself? I'm guessing not.

Can you see her with other family members, does that dilute her a bit?

Original poster
Ornitorrinco · 30/09/2018 14:43

@springmachine Quite the opposite. I struggle with spending long amounts of time with this family member as she is hard work, and ends up in tears over something every time. Last time it was because I didn't invite her to any of my antenatal appointments. I wanted to look at her like Hmm and remind her that it isn't a spectator sport. I didn't. I was kind and just explained that we had had lots of complications and that I only wanted DP there.

I've never been unkind and this is the first time in my life I've ever considered putting my feelings above hers. I feel awful avoiding her but I've not had much choice in the last month or so.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/09/2018 14:49

Unless it's your mum, it's weird to ask to go to someone else's antenatal appts.
In the end, if you want to resolve this, you have to be brave and say that you and dh want to go alone to appts - that it is a private thing just for the parents. As for staying when the baby comes (or before), again you have to be brave and say that you and your oh want to bond with your baby and not have visitors stay.
No one has a right to assime your time is theirs, so it's worth the shitstorm to set out boundaries.

Foodylicious · 30/09/2018 14:49

Her expectations of relationships and her involvement in your life sound rather off kilter.
Does she have any awareness of this at all?

I can't imagine anyone other than my DP expecting to come to any appts.

Not sure what things ate like for others, but I am Close to my sister's - but we each have our own DP so don't need the extra support we might if single iyswim, mother deceased and step mum lives 250 miles away.

Foodylicious · 30/09/2018 14:51

I think letting her down as gently but clearly as you can now is the way forward.
The fallout now will be worth it in the long run.

miketv · 30/09/2018 14:53

I would make it clear.

No one other than your partner will go to ante natal appointments.
No one other than your partner will be at the birth
No one other than your partner will visit you in hospital
Etc etc

That way, it's not personal, it's general. They might not like it but shouldn't be able to take it personally.

I hope it's not your mum

Original poster
Ornitorrinco · 30/09/2018 14:54

@Annandale she doesn't, no. She's in her 50s and I'm in my 20s. She's literally fallen out with most other family members, or their partners etc. It's just a massively sticky situation and me and my brother/Dad seem to be the only people who haven't fallen out with her. I get made to feel guilty when I visit them both without telling her.

The time we do spend together consists of her talking about other family members and getting upset over something trivial.

I'm an extremely anxious person and can't deal with the guilt of avoiding her, but also can't deal with her company at the moment as she's such hard work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ornitorrinco · 30/09/2018 14:55

It's not my mum! My mum is my birth partner with my DP (they're close and she's a midwife, I wouldn't not have her there!).

It's my aunt.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 30/09/2018 14:59

If you really don’t want to fall out, Tell her it’s your husbands decision? One question, if she did fall out with you, what would you miss about her?

Original poster
Ornitorrinco · 30/09/2018 15:04

@Foodylicious I'm not sure. She's not had children herself but I'm fairly certain that most people regardless of whether they've had kids or not have a basic level of understanding what is normal and what isn't. I wouldn't have expected to attend anyone's antenatal appointments unless they were in desperate need of a lift!

I think she's just very out of touch with reality. Confrontation makes me extremely anxious and I just want to worry about this as little as possible without it having an effect on my pregnancy. She's stressed me out so much with her tears and expectations recently to the point I felt sweaty/panicked when I had a message from her on my phone asking for dates to meet up.

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 30/09/2018 15:05

Would your mum talk to her ?
What she is asking is very odd.

Original poster
Ornitorrinco · 30/09/2018 15:06

@Lollypop701 it's sad but I don't think I would miss anything. The idea of us falling out just fills me with utter dread.

OP posts:
Proseccopanda · 30/09/2018 15:07

I'm sorry, but I think you have to nip this in the bud now, or it will only make you feel worse when the baby arrives and your time is even more precious to you than it already is. Her behaviour and expectations are not normal, and it's not fair for you to have to tread on eggshells, and live your life sneaking around for fear of upsetting one person. There are times in your life when you have to be selfish and sacrifice someone else's feelings for the sake of yourself and/or your family...this is one of those times.

HollowTalk · 30/09/2018 15:13

She's being absolutely ridiculous. Why on earth would you invite your aunt to antenatal appointments? And she gets annoyed if you see other family members without her? How have you not fallen out over this? And why are you so desperate not to upset her? It sounds as though she thrives on upset.

Foodylicious · 30/09/2018 15:18

Ah. So your mum's sister?
I can See why that's tricky

It's very ubfair that it seems she can fall out with the rest if the family but you seem to be expected to keep the peace and put up with everything.

Sou you feel that others have put this expectation in you, or that you have unwittingky taken this responsibility yourself.

Ultimately you cannot be responsible for another person or how they respond to a given situation.

Their emotions should not be yours to manage Flowers

Hoppinggreen · 30/09/2018 15:20

You are about to have a baby
With the best will in the world you won’t have the mental energy or time for her very soon so if I were you I would start to retreat now.
If she is as bad as you say the choice might be do what she wants or upset her and for the sake of you and your baby it should be the latter

Maelstrop · 30/09/2018 15:21

I would put a generic thing on social media saying you need time to bond and no-one will be staying before or after the birth as you need time alone to prepare.

artio0 · 30/09/2018 15:21

I think the best thing to do would be to have a calm and kind chat with her, telling her your boundaries (how does she expect to be invited to antenatal appointments?!). I imagine it to be less hurtful for her than finding out afterwards that you've been close to her but obviously avoided seeing her. But I probably wouldn't have the heart/energy/courage for that myself and instead would just try to avoid her for now...

paxillin · 30/09/2018 15:21

Can you ask your mother to have a word? Aunts do not go to antenatal appointments as a rule. Often nobody except mother to be goes, or the father to be comes along. Rarer still, mother or sister. Aunt? Probably a first for the midwife..

staffiegirl · 30/09/2018 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MortyVicar · 30/09/2018 15:28

me and my brother/Dad seem to be the only people who haven't fallen out with her.

Probably because you're the ones who haven't stood up to her and you've let her get away with it because you don't want to face up to the fallout.

It's not you being unreasonable (yes, I know this isn't AIBU!!) to feel like this if she's fallen out with so many others. I'd take the removing a plaster approach - rip it off quickly and it will hurt less in the long run.

Tilliebean · 30/09/2018 15:29

I’d get your mum or dad, whoever her sibling is to explain her requests are not appropriate and that she is causing you stress.. You shouldn’t have to do this. If my sister was stressing out my daughter in your situation I would be having a word. You’ve got enough on your plate. If she gets in a huff and doesn’t speak to you what are you actually losing? It sounds like all she does is stress you out and you keep in touch with her out of obligation. You have better things to do with your time! Especially since what she is asking is wholly inappropriate.

Jent13c · 30/09/2018 15:30

You need to say no to staying at your house before/after birth. Get rid of your spare bed so she can’t stay (I have done this with my similarly oblivious brother).

Or alternatively could your husband say to her he doesn’t feel it’s appropriate? When you are in delivering (3 days ish) he will be staying with her alone in the house. I know my husband would hate that. Plus it’s a major life change, you need to just have time to work out your new normal as a family of 3. Maybe your husband would be the baddy for you and say no?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/09/2018 15:32

DH's aunt was a bit like this. She hadn't had children and got very over invested in mine. She played on my compassion and guilt tripped me over her childlessness to let her have a lot of unsupervised access to my kids which I was really uncomfortable about. She was also fairly critical of my parenting.

I really wish mumsnet had been around to reassure me that it was fine to tell her to just back right off. And that just because I felt sorry for her, I shouldn't overlook that she wasn't a very nice person.

Just keep you boundaries up OP.

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