Overly sensitive family member. I'm going mad...

[Ornitorrinco]

35 weeks pregnant and really struggling with one particular family member.

She's very emotional and tends to take everything personally. I'm very good at playing devils advocate and have never fallen out with this (or any) family member, however she has fallen out with a lot of people (friends and family). It's never her fault...

She's upset that I didn't invite her to any of my antenatal appointments, and gets upset when I meet up with other family members without telling her. She's asking if she can come and stay before and after baby is born - the idea fills me with complete and utter dread. Whenever I'm in her neck of the woods I have to lay low and ask people I'm meeting up with not to post on social media as she would likely be upset I didn't come to see her (I just don't have time sometimes and quite frankly can do without the stress at the moment!).

I love this family member. I don't have the heart to cut her out of my life, but I just can't cope with her. She's emotionally draining and I am running out of excuses re putting off her visits.

If I am honest with her about how I feel it'll cause a huge shit storm which I just cannot deal with right now.

How would you deal with a situation like this? Keep putting off visits, and being sneaky when you're in her city with risk of her finding out and thus having a meltdown? Tell her how I feel and again risk a total meltdown and unbelievable amount of stress?

It's amazing how much stress one person can cause. I can only be kind and understanding for so long...

Right, first of all tell her email that your midwife has advised against having guests at any time around the birth and therefore you can’t offer to host at the moment. Carry on that the same midwife has also advised that you can’t make firm plans regarding visits until after the birth as there are so many unknown variables.

If you can’t tell her yourself get someone else to do it. Then keep meetings to your terms so you can leave when she gets too much. She sounds utterly draining and completely oblivious to the needs of anyone other than herself. On that basis you have to look out for yourself. And remind yourself that if she is upset it’s because she’s unreasonable and she certainly doesn’t mind upsetting you.

Good luck with it.

If it's your aunt she's definitely overstepping the line. Difficult for you. But put your own feelings first.

She sounds like an emotional leech. Time to set some boundaries before bub arrives

I agree with Matilda - keep quoting the advice of fictional experts who allow you to keep her at arms’s length. She isn’t going to change, at her age, so you need to be firm, friendly but unambiguous in your dealings with her. This isn’t a negotiation, it’s your life.
“We’re following our midwife/GPs/Health Visitor’s advice to keep the house calm/limit exposure to germs/rest....” whatever suits you. Smiling, patient, unrelenting resistance to her demands, “what a lovely idea but not possible I’m afraid...” “I’m so sorry you feel like that but I cannot manage guests at the moment.....”
Be strong. When your baby arrives, you’ll be glad you resisted.

Have your mother deal with her sister

Last time it was because I didn't invite her to any of my antenatal appointments. I wanted to look at her like and remind her that it isn't a spectator sport. I didn't.

I really think you should have. She clearly needs a dose of reality, rather than you tiptoeing round her.

She may even have some form of emotional regulation disorder if she is obsessing over family members and crying and behaving like a needy child at age 50. It's not something that will change to be honest. They are very difficult people because they relate everything to themselves. If she says she likes X Factor and you say it was stupid last night, she takes this as 'you don't like me anymore and you said I was stupid'.
As the other poster says, make general statements about the boundaries around you and your family.
Think of each communication with her as a two-parter. (1) Start with some sort of flattery or affirmation of her importance or her feelings, then (2) Make your point about yourself and your needs. Then you'll get a better response. And less chance of triggering one of her episodes. For example:
If you are in her city and she finds out, just say 'You know you are very important to me. However, I also like time to visit other friends as well'.

Having a new born baby is hard work and an emotional roller coaster. Tell your aunt that she cannot stay. But welome to visit when you're settled. If she falls out with you over such an unreasonable request then it's someone you can really do without.

She sounds unhinged. Tell her some home truths, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. This may bean epiphany for her and peace of mind for you.

It kinda sounds like falling out with her would actually be a good thing? And you're far from the first, so it's not like you'll even look bad to other people!

I wouldn't fall out with her as she sounds quite vulnerable and I don't think it's a kind thing to do to, although she does sound a total nightmare. I think you've been pandering to her too much. If she mentions antenatal appointments be honest- say it's a medical appointment and private and it would never cross your mind to invite anyone along! I have a family member with similar boundary issues who also cries a lot so I do sympathise. I've learned that I have to be blunt and direct as they have to deal with reality, and I can't handle the stress of having my boundaries continually pushed.

As for staying with you -

"Sorry it won't be the right time for houseguests, we need some time to bond with our baby and settle into a routine."

That's perfectly reasonable. If she chooses to fall out with you it's totally out of your control.

You need to get your mum/dad (depending on whose sister she is) to tell her to shut up, back off and get a fucking grip. Indulging a self-obsessed whinyarse like this does no one any good.

Lose the guilt, lose the idea that's she's 'vulnerable'. She's a selfish, manipulative cunt who has developed 'playing the victim' into a fine art, and you really don't need her in your life.

It wouldn't be the best idea to fall out with her. You need to trust me on that one. She drives me absolutely nuts but as pp said, she is quite a vulnerable person. I think there's a reason she's 55 and never met anyone, never had children even though she desperately wanted to, has fallen out with most people she knows. I feel sorry for her I really do (which isn't nice, I don't like people feeling sorry for me).

She's my dad's sister, but if I asked him to talk to her she would demonise him or think we were conspiring against her.

Maybe some people really are just hard work and there is no solution? Thanks for the advice so far I am absolutely taking it on board.

Some people really are just hard work, and yes, sometimes there is no solution. I'd even say most times there's no solution!

She is allowed to get upset. You are allowed to not have it affect you.

Let her cry, whine and attempt to manipulate. You - you just work on letting it slide off you like water off a ducks back. If you don't want to confront her, then you are going to need to develop that skill.

It's a sad thing, when folk destroy things with their own hands, but you can tell them not to, they typically aren't able to hear anything against themselves.

Love her from a distance and keep calm inside yourself x

@DonkeyPlease It's a sad thing, when folk destroy things with their own hands

Absolutely spot on.

OK, if you're not prepared to tell her to fuck off, you'll have to work on giving her nothing but cheerful indifference. Don't spend time with her that you don't want to and don't be guilted into inviting her places where she has no business being. Just 'No, auntie, that's not a good idea' or 'Maybe another time' and move the conversation on. But don't let the whiny cunt make you miserable, you've got enough to be going on with and she is not your problem.