Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

what would you do? lie after lie.

43 replies

Mamabear9110 · 30/09/2018 00:20

we are engaged have a 7 month old son. when he was 6 weeks I found my partner gambled £2000 I only found out because I opened his statement as we were stupidly skint. I got him helped and I gained trust for him again, thankfully those days are over. But he is very materialistic and I am not. He has to have the latest everything. Even if it means putting us in financial difficulties. Tonight our son is poorly, he drove off randomly and turned his phone off. I kept calling and even rang his parents to see if they’d heard from him. 3 hours later he answered and said he’d driven 4 hours away and needed to “think” as he’s “not good enough for me”. He said there’s nothing he needs to tell me and he isn’t hinding anything. Next thing he drives back, I tell his family he’s safe. His dad then goes on to ask me when he will be paying the deposit he owes for a new car he’s reserved?’ I had no idea about. When he came home he insisted there was nothing he was hiding. I asked him how much money he had and if he can still half the rent. He then said he couldn’t pay it. I Asked 4 times why, and he said it was because he’d put it all on a deposit for a car he so badly wanted. I feel horrible but I’ve cried all night I just want a happy family. I’ve told him he needs to sort out the rent and get his car deposit money back or I’m leaving. Deep down it’s not the money side of it, I’m annoyed he’s not putting family first and he lies to me over things that should be discussed. He said he’d try and sort it but deep down I’m fed up of living with someone I can’t trust and he doesn’t get up with our son or seem to truly care. He’s so wrapped up in getting whatever he wants and running away from issues. What would you do? I want a happy family but I can’t trust him and I don’t want my baby growing up thinking he can have whatever he wants without working hard and being kind to others.

OP posts:
Buggerbrexit · 30/09/2018 00:23

You know the answer. You can’t trust him, you sure as hell cant marry him and tie yourself to him.

AnduinsGirl · 30/09/2018 00:25

Unfortunately, you've permanently attached yourself to a failure of a man. Doesn't mean you need to be in a relationship with him though. Literally no good can come from being with this idiot. I think you should detach yourself immediately and simply focus on your son. Nothing about this is your fault....but you owe it to your son to be strong and not be walked all over.

SoleBizzz · 30/09/2018 00:25

The relationship is dead now. You need to accept you need to contemplate life as a single Mother. This man is trouble and it will get worse. You can't change his behaviour.

ConsiderHerWaysAndOthers · 30/09/2018 00:29

He should see his GP, the gambling (addiction?), reckless spending, irresponsible behaviour etc could indicate that’s more wrong with him just being an utter twat. If he refuses to do so then I would consider the relationship over, that’s if you’re not at that point already; I wouldn’t blame you if you are.

Applesandoranges1 · 30/09/2018 00:41

You are extremely polarised regarding finances, the only solution (other than LTB) would be for him to seek counselling to address his gambling and uncontrolled spending. He sounds like he has low self esteem and is placing too high a value on material goods - simplistic analysis but you get my drift?

It's such a tricky place for you to be in because you're vulnerable having just had a baby and presumably relying on him for emotional and financial support. However I could forgive all of that but the lying would be the deal breaker for me. I do understand that addiction does come hand in hand with deceit but he has abused your trust.

What is your gut feeling?

SabineUndine · 30/09/2018 01:08

He disappeared for four hours to think about whether he’s good enough for you? On a Saturday? Sorry but I think he’s having an affair.

Mamabear9110 · 30/09/2018 01:40

Honestly I’m in two minds. I don’t trust him and he’s very deeply hurt me this is a man I thought I knew inside and out and best friends that shared and trusted eachother. I love my baby and he was planned and it means letting go of the future I wanted for us all so badly and that’s so hard. I feel mentally drained from overthinking but in all honesty my only choice is to end it because he isn’t showing any sign of changing or any understanding from him. I’m up all night with our baby and by lying to me there’s just total lack of respect. I feel so sad.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 30/09/2018 01:44

Of course you feel sad, you had a plan for your life and he’s messed it up.

But if you ever do want to be happy then yes you do need to leave. He clearly is not able to give you what you need. Focus on your LO and developing a good co- parenting relationship.

It’s ok to be sad and grieve though. Just don’t let it hold you back from making good decisions and moving in a positive direction.

tallwivglasses · 30/09/2018 01:44

You can still have an amazing future - but not with him.

JillyArmeeen · 30/09/2018 02:08

You poor thing.
I've been in similar circumstances to you, young baby and realising that the man I loved could never be who I needed him to be.
The hardest decision I've ever made.
I really wanted to make it work and be the family we had created.
He couldn't do his bit and the worry, shame, loneliness and disappointment was turning my into a person I didn't want to be.
I left with my son when he was 6months old.
He's 9 now, happy, healthy, an absolute joy to be around and is very close to me and his dad who he sees every weekend.
I've made a life for us, me and my son, we are a family.
Ex and I get on fine now and he's a good dad.
I've never regretted leaving.
Its not all fun and games as a single parent, at times it is tough.
But what would make my life easier is an honest reliable person, not someone who adds stress and let's me down. Which it sounds like your partner is doing.
Sometimes in life it is better to walk alone than to be badly accompanied.
Good luck op, look after yourself and baby, can you reach out to family or friends?

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2018 02:17

This man has a child and can't pay the rent because he spent it on a new car. If he doesn't proceed he will lose rhe deposit anyway.

He's selfish and wont,change op. It's up to you if you wish to live with someone like this, if you chose to do so, accept you will always be financially responsible for everything. He can't be relied,on.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 30/09/2018 02:30

My ExH was a gambler. I promise you (and I've been proved right on numerous threads) you don't know the half of his financial situation, he will never admit it.

Please leave, you'll never have the future you imagined for you or your child with this man. Yes it will be the hardest thing to do but in the long run you'll realise it was the best thing for you.

Jent13c · 30/09/2018 02:48

I think he is a gambling addict. I don’t believe you’ll ever see the car.
6.5 months ago he lost £2000 and now there is another significant chunk of money missing. £2000 is a lot to gamble and outwith his means and right after he had a baby. Sounds like he is completely over his head with gambling.

He needs help and support and so do you. Contact gamcare or something similar, they can offer you advice too, you may find there are other warning signs that have been going on.

You need to take steps to protect yourself. Access any joint spending and make sure there are no debts. I’d be VERY tempted to close any joint accounts and limit your financial association. Get an equifax or Experian account (they do free trials) and make sure he hasn’t taken out any debts in your name. Be prepared for him to have significant debts in his name. I understand you love him but people addicted to gambling can do very desperate things. I worked with a guy who I thought was lovely. He stole £7k from customers to feed his gambling habit. They lose a bet then think if they could just bet a little more they would be able to cover the loss, then they have to bet more to cover that loss.

I’m so sorry you are going through this and it must be so difficult with such a young baby. Do you have some family support around or anyone who can help with the rent? If you do end up separating you don’t want to start on your own with debts so best to try and pay it if you can

Graphista · 30/09/2018 02:57

Already caught out gambling before, large amounts of money spent he's reluctant to say where, disappearing for 4 hours...

I'd say he's still gambling - 5/6 months is NO WAY long enough to think this is dealt with!

Gambling is arguably the worst addiction. Alcoholics and drug addicts will pass out and at least that stops them temporarily and eventually the physical effects will stop them permanently. A gambler will go on and on and on... The only physical consequences come from dodgy people they owe money to! And they don't just come after the gambler, they'll target family members too, even kidnap for ransom if the gambler stupid enough to deal with anyone really dodgy.

I've gambling addicts in my family, one has lost entire houses, cars, wedding and engagement rings...

As Holly says in all likelihood you don't know the HALF of it!

He needs to be completely honest/transparent, agree and stick to getting treatment for this addiction or there's no hope. And even then no guarantees.

Personally I'd have left as soon as I made the first discovery.

dragonflyflew · 30/09/2018 03:03

I don't know him at all but the the new car thing is very typical of someone with bi-polar disorders, he could just be genuinely reckless but it could be something else manifesting itself hence the driving off and saying he's not good enough.
Worth him getting checked out but doesn't mean he has to be your responsibility.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/09/2018 03:07

I know you're sad. But you've been holding on hard to the dream of what you thought your life would be. If you keep doing that, you'll never be free to find the real future you deserve.

He doesn't deserve you. But out there somewhere is the person who does. Leave.

Villagelifer · 30/09/2018 03:32

OP, I don't believe that someone who is capable of doing what you describe will change into a trustworthy partner.
He isn't into the family and he lies to you (the little you know may be the tip of the iceberg).
It sounds like a constant battle and a constant painful sequence of "revelations" if you stay together. A relationship doesn't have to be this hard.
It is a mistake to marry someone thinking that you can/will change them - you won't.

I also agree with someone that said 4h on a weekend to "think" is very selfish and extremely suspicious.

He's definitely "not good enough" for you and your child. I'm afraid that there is more to come and I wouldn't wait for it.
Maybe he can go stay with his parents to do the "thinking" and finish growing up.
I understand that things will not be this clear for you up close and I am really sorry that he's putting you through this.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 30/09/2018 07:16

Sounds like one of those compulsive liar/gambler/loser types. He will not change, if and when you split he will just hook up with some other poor sod and make their life a misery.

SandyY2K · 30/09/2018 08:15

I don't believe he was out of the house for 4 hours thinking if he was good enough for you.

He's telling too many lies to trust him.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 30/09/2018 08:46

He will have been at a casino of some other gambling institute

deste · 30/09/2018 11:14

Sell the engagement ring and put it towards the rent. You know what you have to do because you and baby deserve better.

HollowTalk · 30/09/2018 11:18

I think he was gambling while he was away, trying to make the money for all the crap he wants.

You know you have to walk away. I'd want child support payments taken out of his wages directly - not sure whether you can do that, though.

maras2 · 30/09/2018 14:22

Q) How do you know when a gambler, drug addict, alcoholic (name any dependency) is lying?
A) Their lips are moving.
He's never stopped gambling and won't unless he willingly enters into a structured program. There's many to choose from.
Give him the ultimatum --- Get help or get lost.
Try an get his parents on board too.
It won't be easy, addicts of any sort are naturally dishonest so start with the level field of not believing a thing that he says. Sad
Good luck Flowers

Mishappening · 30/09/2018 14:24

Of course you want a happy family - we all do - but sadly I do not think it will be achieved with this man. I am sorry you are in this situation.

Mamabear9110 · 01/10/2018 23:40

Thanks for all your support it means a lot.
My family are in Australia, so pretty lonesome.
I booked him gambling counselling and a gp appointmentas he said he’s depressed. I got rid of the ring and told him I’m in no way going to marry unless he changes and proves it which will take months even years. Obviously if he messes up again me and my baby can move as I have savings.
Thank you all. Your great xxx

OP posts: