what would you do? lie after lie.

[Mamabear9110]

we are engaged have a 7 month old son. when he was 6 weeks I found my partner gambled £2000 I only found out because I opened his statement as we were stupidly skint. I got him helped and I gained trust for him again, thankfully those days are over. But he is very materialistic and I am not. He has to have the latest everything. Even if it means putting us in financial difficulties. Tonight our son is poorly, he drove off randomly and turned his phone off. I kept calling and even rang his parents to see if they’d heard from him. 3 hours later he answered and said he’d driven 4 hours away and needed to “think” as he’s “not good enough for me”. He said there’s nothing he needs to tell me and he isn’t hinding anything. Next thing he drives back, I tell his family he’s safe. His dad then goes on to ask me when he will be paying the deposit he owes for a new car he’s reserved?’ I had no idea about. When he came home he insisted there was nothing he was hiding. I asked him how much money he had and if he can still half the rent. He then said he couldn’t pay it. I Asked 4 times why, and he said it was because he’d put it all on a deposit for a car he so badly wanted. I feel horrible but I’ve cried all night I just want a happy family. I’ve told him he needs to sort out the rent and get his car deposit money back or I’m leaving. Deep down it’s not the money side of it, I’m annoyed he’s not putting family first and he lies to me over things that should be discussed. He said he’d try and sort it but deep down I’m fed up of living with someone I can’t trust and he doesn’t get up with our son or seem to truly care. He’s so wrapped up in getting whatever he wants and running away from issues. What would you do? I want a happy family but I can’t trust him and I don’t want my baby growing up thinking he can have whatever he wants without working hard and being kind to others.

He’s not paying the rent but putting a deposit on a new car. He’s not telling you he’s done that but is telling his family? None of this is ok and he can’t be trusted. Start working out how to protect yourself from this man. Don’t marry him! Any debts he has will then be yours. You really need to sever all ties for yours and your child’s safety.

I would go back to Australia before he has grounds to get a solicitor through legal aid and argue that his child is AWARE of its habitual domicile and in a nursery, crech, known to his parents etc. Get outta there. It's ok to chalk up a mistake but don't square up for a life of poverty in the UK without family, with stress. Get back home while you can.

There seem to be two organisations for the partners of compulsive gamblers Gam Anon http://gamanon.org.uk and Gam Care https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/partners-friends-and-family
I would try to contact one of these to start your own process of recovery.

Sorry but I would be leaving. He keeps luring, so why do you think he’s going to change now? It’s a lie. Leave him, he’s a selfish twat.

Luring - lying

It sounds like he might be right, he's not good enough for you... You've tried to help him but he doesn't seem able to change. You know you can't stay with someone who randomly spends the rent money on things without consulting you.

My stbxh developed a gambling habit almost on purpose when ds was born. He basically looked around for all the ways he could be horribly selfish and ‘act out’, and by the time he realised that he wasn’t actually in control of his nasty behaviour, it was really too late.

He did the ‘i vant to be alone’ nonsense, and would disappear for hours, sometimes days, to be all sad and ‘think about things’. Usually when I’d asked him to do anything.

And oh yes, the buying of inappropriate consumer goods, argh! He’d be head to toe designer brands whilst I was panicking about food and bills. Or he’d come back from one of his disappearing tricks with some completely over the top gift for our baby, when what our baby actually needed was nappies. After a while he wouldn’t even pretend to think about me or the baby, he’d just buy stuff for himself and parade around with it, like I was supposed to be happy he was squandering our money on iPhones etc when I was going to have to cut short my maternity leave to make ends meet, even though I wasn’t physically recovered from the birth.

He racked up 25k of debt in OUR names, on the back of MY good credit rating, as he had decided to give up earning any money when the baby came... anything to make a ‘silent’ protest that he wasn’t going to be expected to grow up and think about someone else, even his own baby.

He spiraled down into worse and worse depths of behaviour, taking satisfaction in the pain and misery it caused me and anyone who got caught up in it. Seriously screwed up self destruct button being pressed, basically he was throwing a huge adult baby tantrum that he might be expected to grow the fuck up...

He decimated our savings and he couldn’t borrow any more. It was all in unsecured loans. Then he started to steal from us. Like the cash for the child minder (whilst she was there to collect it, and suddenly I couldn’t pay her). Oh and like DS Christmas presents on Boxing Day which he crept out of the house with early that morning and never returned, so daddy and the presents went awol that Xmas. Sick fucker.

And he was abusive in other ways too. But after that he was easy to move away from for good, as he wasn’t particularly interested in staying in DS life when He and I had nothing left to take.

He then ended up homeless and was arrested for raping some poor naive woman he was trying to con, who had fallen for the sob story (just like I did).

The reason I know this is that he turned up again at mine and tried to spin that disgusting incident into a sob story for me, about how he was the real victim and even the police agreed with him... so, he needs money to get back on his feet from the wrong she done him etc etc etc.

And that was the first time I ever felt truly afraid of him. I don’t think he thought it through that he was expecting his WIFE to feel sorry for him that a nasty evil woman ‘cried rape’ when all he’d done is just had violent and unprotected sex with her after picking her up in a club where he was cruising for sex.

Because he wanted it so he took it. Like always.

I really realised for the first time that he really didn’t have any brakes where his own selfishness is concerned. And that’s actually really scary.

So I gently and nicely smiled and said ‘sorry I don’t have any money today but maybe another time, of course I’d like to help etc etc etc’ Trying to usher him towards the door...

.. that’s the last time I saw him, Thank God. We moved after that, and although we stayed in the same area as before, he doesn’t know where we live, and I want to keep it that way.

Sorry, I’m sure that sounds extreme and not at all like your poor dear whatever-his-name-is. But I would have said the same. I didn’t see the signs and nor did nearly everyone else who knew him (except a few people who I thought were being sooooo miserable!).

The thing is, the kind of nasty self absorbed obsessive attitude you’re describing is the sign. It’s what means it’s ok for someone like him to get deeper and deeper into this kind of spending, and not give a damn.

And take you with him. And not give a damn. And just keep on using up chances and people like they are disposable, because he doesn’t give a damn compared to the kick he’s getting out of carrying on. And by the time he does give a damn, iftgat ever happens, you’ll be long gone, either you’ll have saved yourself or been sucked dry and tossed aside, either one, but this is a journey he’s making on his own. It’s NOT a family ticket, or even a return journey. He’ll probably get out of it fine, if he wants to, but he won’t lift a finger to help you get out with him. He’ll be utterly uninterested, because it won’t have anything to do with him, because this is always just about him, not you.

Sorry, doom and gloom merchant me!

Me and DS got out and are almost free of his financial tw@tery, but it’s been really hard. It took me about 4 years to pay off the main debts, but because we are married, he is, even now, ‘financially sticky’... but that’s because we’re still married and sodding HSBC won’t let me close the joint account without his permission... but will keep on approving overdrafts for him! Even though I try and refuse permission apparently it doesn’t matter. Apparently it also doesn’t matter that when the account was opened it wasn’t even an account with an over draft. And that he has defaulted on every loan and overdraft he’s ever taken out. With hsbc! But they know they can chase me for the money, since I half killed myself paying that £25k back, because I felt so stupid and culpable for being taken in by him, and was trying to be honourable. Ffs!!!

Sorry it’s a bit raw again, I thought I was clear 18 months ago, but last night I checked my Experian score and it was all the way back low again. That’s how I found out that the f*cker has managed to get a £600 overdraft again in our joint names.

Even if I manage to close that account, and pay off the new debt before it gets bigger again, I reckon it will be another 2-3 years before my credit rating gets back to where it was before all this.

Meanwhile I struggle to pay the rent, and DS has never been on holiday.

This is what a man like that does.
Please don’t end up where I am...

Bipolar people don't just go buying cars ffs. My sister has it and doesn't do that. Syop arm chair diagnosis thanks. Mental health does not equate shite like this.

This is an awful situation for you OP and I’m glad you’ve got the strength to confront him.

@WellThisIsShit your story is terrible I’m so sorry. Can I just say that you need to take HSBC to task on your accounts with him - you might not be able to close the account (although you should IMO) but they need to apply a ‘both to sign’ on the account you share. It’s used precisely for this type of situation where there’s an acrimonious split and one person cannot be trusted and means exactly what it sounds like - both parties must approve in writing any changes to the account (especially borrowing!). Also as a vulnerable customer they should really be helping you through this.

PM me if you want some advice on what to say if you call them - I don’t work for hsbc but I do for a competitor and they all have broadly the same rules.

What an awful thing to do OP.

Unfortunately, he needs to recognise what he's doing and he can't do that with you picking up the slack all the time.

I was terrible with money. My ex bailed me out quite a few times as did my grandfather. My ex liked to hold that above my head alot (different story different time).

It wasn't until I left, got myself into a bit of debt and saw what I had to give up. I lost my flat. I lost my car. I had to go on a debt management plan. I had nothing. I was living with my parents which did not go well. I had no money to go anywhere. We lived in the middle of nowhere. I was unemployed. Depressed. Jeez, it was horrendous.

Now I'm in full control of my finances. My OH, DS and I are in our family home. I am in control of my impulses and don't feel the need to buy shit all the time.

But I only learnt that after having to deal with the consequences by myself.
It sounds like he needs to do the same.

Maybe take a break from him for a while. You can't trust him. It sounds like he's replaced his gambling with impulse buying instead.
At some point, once he's sorted himself out, maybe you can be a family again. But you can't right now. He's too unstable.

“I booked him gambling counselling and a gp appointment”

I’m afraid you really can’t lead this for him and expect any meaningful change. It’s just you invested in doing stuff to help at the moment... it’s not you who needs to be phoning to make appointments, he needs to do it himself.

Otherwise he’s not taking responsibility for anything, he’s just going with the flow. And he will find a way of ensuring that your efforts don’t work anyway...

Sorry

Ask him if he really wants to be living in his flash car, because if the rent isn't paid then that's where he will be.

How can you even consider staying with a man who fritters away the rent money, potentially leaving you and your DC without a roof over your head?? That's not depression or MH issues, it's being a selfish prick.

We can’t diagnose his mental health,only a qualified professional can IF he is HONEST with his GP. We can call a spade a spade-he lies,gambles and only cares about material things NOT his partner or his baby! I’d be separating my finances and setting up another place to live and would refuse to cohabitate until/IF he exhibits trustworthy behavior. It’s a very long,hard road if you wish to stay with him. Is what he provides to you worth it?

Don't marry this man. Sorry you're in this situation, but you'll be happier in long run without him.

If you booked the counselling that means it has already failed. Until he chooses and acts you have no hope.

Book counselling for yourself. You need help to come to terms with your relationship with a gambler.

Don't marry him. It's not a romantic love and roses thing it's a legally binding merging of finances etc. Don't think what happened to wellthisisshit won't happen to you because he can't keep his sticky fingers off your rent money now with a newborn to protect and house.