Pregnant at 46 via donor - afraid to tell grandparents

[Lassothemoon]

Hello there. I’m 12 weeks pregnant and just had scan last week. Everything is normal, low likelihood of chromosome abnormalities etc. We used a donor egg. I am terrified about telling my parents about the pregnancy. We have decided not to let grandparents know about donor, but in some ways I feel like I’m being deceitful? We told my partner’s parents this evening - and they were surprised - especially due to my age. Both sets of grandparents are in their 70’s - and I don’t want to cause them undue anxiety. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

Congratulations!

Don't tell them about the donor if you don't want to. If you think they'll react differently then I probably wouldn't. I'd just enjoy the pregnancy and share the news with them in a way any couple would. There is always some anxiety surrounding pregnancy I think, once your parents know they'll be fine I would have thought, unless they've said or done something previously that makes you think otherwise? If anyone mentions your age just say what Geri Halliwell said: "Mother Nature is a wonderful thing!"

Thank you Laac, your post is kind and reassuring! My mum said a couple of years ago that I was too old to have another child - and she was very worried during my first pregnancy 7 years ago. I’m trying to keep fit, active so she doesn’t worry about my health.

Ah congratulations, how wonderful. Don't share the details if it makes you uncomfortable. It's between you and your partner. Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy!

Thank you Karen! A lovely response!

None of this is anyone’s business but yours. You’re under no obligation to tell anyone about the donor egg in the same way you are under no obligation to let people read your medical records! Enjoy your pregnancy and your baby when it comes.

Thank you Angel! So grateful for all the replies and they are confirming what I think. It was our decision, we thought carefully about it, I’m in good health - and we are so excited about our new addition. My next big step is to tell my mum - she will be the biggest worrier - and she’s just had a bad fall and hurt her leg. I’ll wait until she’s recovered a little, and tell her face to face. My dad will be fine I think....

Ok, all you need to say is, " I know! It's marvellous, we are thrilled! And the doctors say it's all looking good."

The rest is your business. My friend had a healthy spontaneous pregnancy with no medical intervention at all at 46/47, so it does happen.

Congratulations OP!

I’m sure your folks will be over the moon about it and I echo what everyone else has said, they don’t need to know all the details.
Just enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

All the best.

Congratulations! It's absolutely no one else's business.
Just announce it the way anyone else would and then enjoy looking forward to the arrival of your precious little one.
You must be thrilled to bits and I bet the grandparents will be too when you tell them.

The only thing I would be concerned about is your age. I had a child at 25 and another at 35, and wow what a difference those 10 years made! Both physically and mentally. I'm guessing you're physically fit, but make no mistake, this is going to be hard. You'll be 60 just when your child is in the throes of puberty, 68 when they possibly go off to Uni (start the savings fund for that now) 70+ when you become a grandparent.
I'm late 50s and look after my gs one day a week and it's knackering 😂
All that being said, how you conceived is nobodies business but your own. However, I believe it's important to be totally open about things like adoption or egg donation right from the off because the impact of finding out at a later stage on a child can be enormous. Other people's opinion of what you've done in order to have a baby are irrelevant. But you should be honest.

Helpful post there Soontobe. Op is already pregnant.

Soontobe60 I had my second at 46. He's now 4 and a whirlwind of energy and stroppiness. I swear I cope with him much better than the 20 something's at playgroup. Older parenthood is awesome. More time, more experience, more patience, more money! Unless you have health issues the only people who make it an issue are "other" people.

Huge congratulations, what wonderful news! I echo everything that’s already been said - totally your business :)

Congratulations! We have a child conceived with a donor egg. I was 40 when he was born. We had positive reactions from grandparents and siblings on both sides. Although my mum still sometimes refers to the donor as his ‘mother’. We didn’t tell my grandmother who was in her 90s as we didn’t think she would understand and it would be a source of anxiety for her (as it was she worried constantly about me and the baby through the pregnancy and especially the birth). She did get to meet the baby and it was lovely to see them together. She has since died so we didn’t have to maintain the ‘lie’ (and we don’t constantly talk about his donor origins anyway so it was hardly a significant lie).

I would say it has been helpful for us that significant people including key friends know about the donor conception. Especially as our son gets older it’s possible he might talk to them about it and I don’t want them to be shocked in front of him. What’s right for us may not be right for you but I’m glad we bit the bullet and told close family upfront.

Have you joined the Donor Conception Network? They have lots of helpful advice including booklets on telling friends and family and a booklet called ‘mixed blessings’ about families with donor conceived as well as non-donor conceived children (from your post I assume that applies to you).

Congratulations! What super news!

I'm 11 weeks pregnant and aged 44. I got pregnant naturally on the first try and we are thrilled. I already have 2 girls aged 4&6 and my partner has a boy and a girl aged 6&9. We are going to be busy but that's not daunting. I feel more confident at 44 than I did at 38 with my first who was a premature baby.

I've already had 2 scans and both times got asked if it was a 'surprise' or IVF. As if it's anyone else's business. I said yes it was a surprise it worked first time!!

We've decided not to tell people that it was planned and let people ask if they are cheeky enough. Why should we openly discuss our decisions with anyone, this is our life and not anyone else's?

And as for the pervious poster who was negative about your age, I was no where near ready for a baby at 25 so would have found that mentally harder than right now. I know some very 'old' 40 somethings and some very young 60 somethings, it's not about a number, it's about your outlook on life. Does it matter what age you become a grandparent, that's not an automatic right when becoming a parent, it's a luxury that might happen?

Now enjoy looking to the future and good luck with it all.

Thank you so much for your lovely replies! Soontobe is voicing my concerns - however I feel I am far more emotionally stable and fitter than I was 10/20 years ago. Before the pregnancy I was up at 5am running 10k 3 times a week - and I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing that in my 20’s. I intend to let both my children know - right from the start - with some books the hospital recommended. I think if I’m positive, and focus on the positive aspects then my children will be positive too.

I had my 4th at nearly 45. There was a gap of 16 years. I enjoy her so much more than the first 3- I love her for her, if that makes sense. With the first 3 I seemed to be always trying to get them to do something- I was in my 20s and so worried about other people.
I have so much more patience with number 4 and love looking at the world through her eyes.
If you don't think your parents will understand about the donor egg, don't tell them. It's your business.
Congratulations and fingers crossed for an easy pregnancy.

Gosh, these are lovely posts and so reassuring - so helpful to hear other people’s stories and congrats old(young)mum44!! I think let the news settle first to grandparents and then decide about telling them about the donor. I will check out the donor network!

Ah, that’s a lovely post moonflower - thank you!!

I'm 42 and pregnant naturally, I'll be 43 when the baby is born, I already had twins through ivf at 35 and another one naturally at 37. My mum was 43 when I was born.

I don't know any different! What I might lack in energy (although really I don't feel any different) I make up for in patience, resilience, life experience and stability!

I think I kept my parents young in teenage and young adult years, their friends were living quiet retired lives, while my parents were always busy doing something, socializing, joining in clubs etc.

Congrats kb!! I look at my parents now, and they are desperate for something to do. We have all moved away - but love looking after us all when they can and still treat us like children! It’s the silence they find sad. I don’t think there is an issue with caring for a teenager in my 60’s. It’ll be a great way to spend my time.

My SIL had a baby at 46.(her only child) She is single and the official version is she had a one night stand but taking into account lots of other factors I am sure the whole pregnancy was planned down to donor egg and sperm.
What does it matter there is a lovely child who is a much loved part of our family and the dtails of his origins/conception is nobody's business but his parent.

I think a lot of your parents' reaction will come from how you pitch your news. "I've got some great news, we're very excited and I know that you will be too. Isn't it wonderful?" Will go down quite differently to "I've got something that I have to tell you.... Etc"

This is brilliant news for you, don't let anyone else take away from your excitement and happiness.