Pregnant at 46 via donor - afraid to tell grandparents

[Lassothemoon]

Hello there. I’m 12 weeks pregnant and just had scan last week. Everything is normal, low likelihood of chromosome abnormalities etc. We used a donor egg. I am terrified about telling my parents about the pregnancy. We have decided not to let grandparents know about donor, but in some ways I feel like I’m being deceitful? We told my partner’s parents this evening - and they were surprised - especially due to my age. Both sets of grandparents are in their 70’s - and I don’t want to cause them undue anxiety. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

My sil had her first baby at 44 and second at 48, she's far fitter and healthier than me. Age is not the only factor in parenting !
Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy and only reveal information that you are comfortable with x

I can see it’s a bit of a dilemma about whether or when to tell your parents that this child is not their genetic grandchild.
If you don’t tell the child either, there’s no problem, but if you do tell them, then they could blurt it out to granny in an unplanned way, with potentially hurtful consequences.
Would your parents feel they had been deceived, or would they accept the child in the same way as an adopted one?
Maybe it would be best to be honest from the start, rather than have a child in a tantrum shouting “You can’t tell me off, you’re not my real granny!”, for example?
Obviously, you know your parents best, OP - how do you think they’d react?

Congratulations - many babies come to us via different routes - they're just as special and wanted - perhaps more so after all the trouble you've all been through to get here - perhaps pave the way by saying ... we only need positivity as it's a bit of a miracle but we're having a baby early 2019 .... nobody can be unhappy with such positive news ❣️

Babdoc - it is a dilemma. I keep thinking of the number of times they say ‘oh she’s just like you’ about my daughter who is genetically mine. Doesn’t help that I’ve read some Richard Dawkins recently - and how our basic instinct is to preserve and further our own genes. I guess it’s nature/nurture and I’ve always tended to side on nurture. A crazy thought I’ve had is - how would my parents feel about their care, love and inheritance being invested into someone who is not genetically theirs. My instinct is to say - of course it doesn’t matter, it’s a beautiful child! But would all people feel that way?

Congratulations! I have two children who were conceived using donor eggs. My youngest was born when I was 50, 8 years ago. We also chose to not tell family and while I'm sure some people wonder a breezy 'we were so lucky' stops further questions. It really is no one else's business. Please don't be worried about your age and pregnancy/parenting going forward. I was fit going into the process and still am. Yes I get tired but I did 20 years ago with my first child. I am so glad to have had my precious children later in life, the joys outweigh the disadvantages

I agree with Babdoc, if you tell your child then your parents will find out from them which would potentially be very upsetting.

@Lassothemoon - my parents love my donor conceived son every much as their other grandchildren, unless they’re great actors (they’re not). It’s wonderful to see the relationship they have with him. Ditto my sister and aunts and uncles. I do believe in nature making a big contribution to who he is and I don’t for one moment overlook the donor’s contribution to that but the love the adults in his his life have for him doesn’t seem to depend on that at all. We all (me included) love him for who he is.

It’s nobody else’s business. Don’t tell them how you got pregnant. Congratulations. I know lots of people who have had babies in their late 40s and everybody’s fine. Anyone who thinks otherwise is behind the times.