Children arrangements in divorce - husband asked for 50-50 shared care of children - how likely is it to happen?

[neverbetrickedagain]

Basically that's it. I've been SAHM since they were born. They are 3 and 6. I've done all medical appointments, all childcare, pick ups and drop offs. Everything. He's always been a shit dad. Utterly shelfish and neglectful towards kids. He couldn't be further from the hands on dad. Never able to put kids first. I just can't agree to 50-50 shared care. What are the chances of him getting this if we end up going to court, which is very likely as he is a selfish and abusive twat.

Start letting him have them Thursday morning until Sat tea time with him sitting out all the childcare and drop offs. See how long he lasts!

From the very little I know about it, I think he will need to be able to show that he can offer the DC the same continuity and care the you currently do. If he's unable to provide that, he's unlikely to be granted 50/50.

Sounds like he just wants to avoid paying maintenance.

In the circumstances you describe I would say very unlikely as it does not sound like it would be in your children's best interests.

Start preparing for a battle though. Have you separated yet? How often does he see them
. Keep notes of everything

EOW and one night during the week is standard. I would offer that so that you are seen as reasonable. Good luck.

I have experience of this. Your stbxh doesnt want this. You need to be strong and let him have them for long periods.

Not really, he works full time, and is out of house from 7am to 7pm. On Fridays he finishes early, around 4pm but has not once came home early to spend more time with kids. Pub always has priority. He also started another business with a friend so he is going to have even less time. Just one detail that depicts the situation - he left the kids alone in our flat while he went out to buy cigarettes! He said to the older child to look after the younger one! Moron.

We do 50/50 and it works really well. Most importantly it allows DC to settle at each house instead of constantly being uprooted. I do feel quite strongly that both parents deserve equal time with their children. It's only fair.

Woah. Cross-post. Sorry, but he doesn't sound fit to parent based on your story!

We still live together as he won't move out and I have nowhere to go. But he has filed for divorce and asked for 50-50 care. I suspect it is just to avoid maintenance. Due to financial abuse I have no money, no access to family money etc. He is a high earner and has some properties abroad that we should split upon divorce.

I think whether it can work depends an enormous amount on the parents and also their relationship with each other.
It does not sound like your ex is anywhere near ready for this arrangement. But you might want to suggest going to mediation to explore what arrangements might work.

The courts won’t expect him to support you as a sahm indefinitely so coming up with an arrangement where he does some of the school pick ups and childcare would at least make it easier for you to go back to work.

My ex asked for 50/50 but changed his mind when it finally dawned on him he would actually have to have them 50% of the time. Think he thought he could nominally have them half the time but leave them with me on ‘his’ days as it suited.

do you have evidence of his bad parenting... his neglect... you need to keep a diary for your Lawyer...

Sadly it seems like you will have to prepare for court but its unlikely 50:50 if this is something he has never covered before.

It is essential however that you show willing for him having a positive relationship with the dc.
Unfortunately the standard of parenting for court is low.. a parent has to have proven history of abuse before contact is withdrawn.

Have you seen a solicitor? If there are assets a solicitor may allow you to defer payment until you get a settlement.

What is the housing situation? Do you have the potential to go back to work?

I do plan to go back to work, but I won't be able to earn much as I had relocated before we had kids and have not worked here since, plus my profession is a bit specific and doesn't work well here. Therefore, I really need financial support for another few years, even if I were to start working now. There are assets also which would bring some money. The flat we live in is ours, both our names on the mortgage, but he wants to stay in the flat and wants me to leave. I think that I should stay in the flat with kids until they finish school and then we can sell it.

There is no way a court will force you to leave the family home when you have two young children so sit tight and don'y budge. You may be entitled to some financial support but it will likely be for a limited period - 1/2 years max. Courts tend to try and keep things as settled as possible for the children and if he does not do 50% of the parenting now, it is unlikely he will get 50/50 access. Have you seen a solicitor? You mentioned financial abuse - gather as much evidence for properties/pensions/savings etc and get yourself to a solicitor pronto.

No way. It's the thought of no maintenance that's driving him. If he leaves the children alone again, I would report him to the police.

Even if he gets 50:50 so there’s no maintenance, you’ll still be entitled to your share of the assets. The court is not going to leave you with nothing. Once he realises that and the fact he’d have to look after the kids I expect he’ll drop it.

I just want to put this out there as someone with very recent experience. A family member split with their oh recently. Very messy break up. One had looked after the 3 kids pretty much full time, just working a few hours a week. The other worked/s full time. 50:50 split was granted.

You need to go hard ball ASAP. It sounds like he's threatening it to avoid maintenance and wind you up. I assume you still have access to funds? I recommend you pay a lawyer and get this divorce moving pronto. With the hours he works the only way he could do it is offer he takes kids Friday - Monday every weekend - what's the chances of that?! That's still not 50:50.

It's horrible at the start op working this stuff out. My ex asked for 50/50 but it's a starting point of negotiation. He never really wanted it. We have the normal every other weekend arrangement.

My ex tried this. He had not been very involved in our son’s life, I literally did everything.
The judge saw straight though him and asked him a few questions about DS which really highlighted how uninvolved he had been

1. What’s the name of DS nursery teacher
2. Who is his best friend at nursery
3. What dentist does he attend
4. What is the name of his doctor
5. How often does he get his hair cut and how much does it cost
6. How much are the nursery fees

Ex couldn’t answer a single one and his solicitor even looked embarrassed. These are basic things any involved parent would know. He was given EOW.

3 years later my Ex is actually a great dad and has stepped up to the plate and also now has DS on a Weds night (as well as EOW) as we agreed that between ourselves.

The truth is often parents push for 50/50 custody as “their right” like the child is a toy to be shared, without considering the real life implications on the child.

If you Ex is as you say he is the prove it. Diarise everything you do for them - doctors, dentist apps, haircuts, school runs etc.
Also make a note of the few occasions ex does them. If for e.g. you can say he’s only done one school run in 3 months then it will be recognised in the family courts that you are the reliable, consistent parent and it will be taken into consideration when deciding how custody should be split

I think you need proper legal advice on your situation. Every case is different because of that settlements, financial and the sharing of care, will be different. People on here can make suggestions based on their personal experience but it is not qualified.

But at the end of the day you will be fighting your own case. Legal advice will help inform you of what that should be. I think you should try to establish an approximation of the capital that you both hold and what his income is. How much equity is in the flat and what exactly is the situation with the overseas property (there could be shenanigans here). Does he get income from these properties and can you demonstrate this. Do this secretly and don’t tell him what you know.

As suggested you can defer payment of legal fess based on the final settlement. That being said Make some calls and arrange this.

Like some people have suggested his determination to have 50:50 might evaporate once he knows what it means or he could stick to his guns. Judges and the quality of solicitors vary. As others have said document his parenting behaviour. In the meantime it is pointless debating it or anything else with him in person. Just let him waffle on whilst you secure your position. There is no need for you to disclose your plans and keeping him (and his legal team)in the dark gives you an advantage.

Nb If you do end up returning to work you may need him to do a good proportion of the childcare.

Thank you all for very sound advice! I really appreciate it.
I'm not British, and have relocated from my home country to London where we still live.
I think that financial situation should be pretty clear. Both our names are on the morgage of the flat we live in, and on the morgage of the properties abroad. I have seen valuations and took photos so I know the value and how much equity there is. I also know that he tried to transfer those properties to a family member who refused that. I'm not sure how possible it would be to do that without my approval.
I have spoken to a few solicitors in the past couple of years but haven't hired anyone yet.
To be honest, if we didn't have kids I would have walked away without asking for a penny. But it's him who insists that I stay here with the kids and that makes a huge difference as London is so expensive. There is no way I could provide for everything.

In England you can put a charge against a property so it can't be sold/transferred without being alerted I would do this and investigate if it can be done on the ones abroad through their equivalent of land registry.