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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't want sex due to "issues" with coil. Dp feeling rejected

47 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 29/09/2018 19:22

Ongoing issues with mirena coil been going on for over a year (more like three) health anxiety and bpd.

Its put me off sex. I like my dp of 25 years touching me etc but it leads to him wanting sex.

I have to have this coil removed and am not sure if another is possible. Have been told its not reliable as contraception as its in wrong place. Inserting it was AGONY and im seeing my dr on thursday to discuss referral to have it inserted under sedation.

I hate condoms. They make me sore.

I am associating sex with worrying symptoms and literally feel nothing when he touches me.

I am on anti depressants that also squash my labido.

I never thought this would happen to me as ive always been highly sexual.

Dp just "tried it on" and i rejected him. It really is a case of its not him its me and he went off muttering to the dog about "no surprise there mate"

He wont consider vasectomy as he is frankly a fucking wuss.

Im scared my body will reject another coil and i dont want to go on the pill.

I actually feel nothing sexually and am worried those feelings will never return. I wonder if i should suggest a prostitute to dp (stupid because i know he wont go down that road) or tell him to find a fwb? I would risk losing him as i think he would become emotionally involved but i am quite frankly of no use to him sexually.

We are however best friends to pretty much the exclusion of all others and have been for 25 years. I dont want to lose that

OP posts:

ArtemisWeatherwax · 29/09/2018 19:25

Or he could man up and get a vasectomy? Why is it ok for you to be in pain and needing to be sedated etc, or him using a prostitute - or he could have a 10 minute op.

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 29/09/2018 19:31

He cant help being a wuss. He nearly passed out when I had an intravaginal ultrasound recently. Doest do needles etc.

I am the opposite to this and am pretty tough but 45 minutes to insert the mirena coill and it was worse than childbirth was too much even for me.

Yes its a ten munute op but its cutting surgery and i dont expect him to do that.

OP posts:

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 29/09/2018 19:33

I mean 45 minutes with something in my uterus and my dr apologising for it taking so long. Even the nurse went pale!

OP posts:

Rtmhwales · 29/09/2018 19:34

Can he not be sedated?

Wherearemymarbles · 29/09/2018 19:36

Its tricky, shamecondoms dont work and a vasectomy is not just a 10 minute proceedure. Reported complications are 10%. But those 10% have almost constant ache or acutal pain, erectile problems etc. And as men tend not to go to the gp actual complications are almost certainly higher.

So take out the coil and try non latex condoms?

Wherearemymarbles · 29/09/2018 19:39

But he should at least consider vasectomy

Newspeak · 29/09/2018 19:40

Time and time again we hear this story he won't get a vasectomy. Women take on the contraceptive role for 20 years and men won't have a 10 minute op. Is it pleasant no but neither is 20 years of side effects from hormonal contraceptives. It's your life obviously but I would be saying it's quite simple no snip no sex your choice.

HipsterAssassin · 29/09/2018 19:41

Have you checked with him lately about a vasectomy? Surely there comes a tipping point?

lovetherisingsun · 29/09/2018 19:47

OP, I sympathise. Condoms are very uncomfortable for me too. Been with my dp all my life, no one else. I hate the thought of sex - it's uncomfortble, it can be painful, and the pill, which I've used to regulate my very heavy and very irregular periods since I was 17, has killed any sex drive I may have ever had. Mid 30s, and never really felt lust. But know I can because when I've been off the pill, it slowly comes back. But what can you do when a) contraception is almost always down to the woman, b) he won't get the snip for various reasons, c) condoms are painful, d) hysterectomies are expensive when privately done? We're lumped with the responsibility, lumped with the choices, and men just get to still have free reign of their sexuality and testosterone. Also, nothing more drive-killing than knowing he wants to use you for a wank sock and when you reject him he gets narky about it. Not, I love you, are you ok? What can we do to help this? But a sideways swipe of "no surprise there, mate", because he doesn't get to cum in something warm that's not his hand that night. That was a really cunty thing of your "d"p to say.

forumdonkey · 29/09/2018 19:51

Although painful, I'm on my second merina and no way did it take 45 mins. Maybe have it put in in the family planning clinic rather than your gp, they're far more used to it than gp.

What about being intimate that doesn't result in penitrive sex, how do you feel about that?

I can't help feeling that like many women, you've took the responsibility of contraception and it's his turn and it's time to get his big boy pants on and have the snip

pudding21 · 29/09/2018 19:51

OP: I had a mirena for 2 years, it brought me nothing but misery. i had it checked several times, was in the right place. I was plagues with thrush (which I had never had in my life before), urine infections, back pain and bleeding sometimes during sex. I had no periods but that was the only plus point.

I had it removed 4 months ago, and I have gone back to normal. My sex drive was never affected, but there were times I couldn't have sex because of the issues I had. Get it out, its bringing you misery. look at latex free condoms and use lots of lube. Its your health and wellbeing.

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 29/09/2018 19:52

I disagree that its cunty - the rejection must be painful. He loves me and wants intimacy.

OP posts:

iMatter · 29/09/2018 19:55

My dh had a vasectomy after I got pg with the mirena coil.

Best thing we ever did.

He hates anything vaguely medical (he faints when he has his BP taken) but he just got on with it and had a vasectomy

Sometimes we just have to do things we aren't comfortable with and perhaps this is it for him?

elaine26 · 29/09/2018 19:55

I had problems with my coil and am so glad it's gone. I now use Evra patches (kind of like nicotine patch) and have had no problems. I stick it on and change every week, then have a week off (period week) and it's been great (I can "choose" when I get my period). Doesn't suit everyone but maybe worth considering.

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 29/09/2018 19:56

Forum trust me. Im not lying. It was at leatst 45 minutes and i nearly fainted from the pain. The dr couldn't position it and effectively got it stuck half way. This is my third - first was a breeze. 2nd dr refused and i had to have it replaced under sedation. Now they arent offering sedation as an option.

OP posts:

HipsterAssassin · 29/09/2018 20:18

I believe you re the 45 mins. Some people have more complicated anatomy - tilted uterus, fibroids etc, it can take ages and be highly traumatic for some women.

I hated the Mirena but love love love my copper coil.

I this situation I would be telling my DP to get his big boy pants on and get the snip.

Holdingonbarely · 29/09/2018 20:21

Why don’t you want the pill?

SandyY2K · 29/09/2018 20:33

It's very patronising to say "get his big boy pants on". A vasectomy is surgery...he has a right not to go down that road.

A family planning clinic is better to have the coil inserted. 45 minutes with pain isn't the norm.

Quartz2208 · 29/09/2018 20:42

Have you spoken about it - you seem to be all about him but there are two people in the relationship and one does not trump the other

LadyLapsang · 29/09/2018 20:42

He can get a non scalpel vasectomy privately for 500 & it takes 15 minutes. Why was he watching you have a transvaginall ultrasound?

HotSauceCommittee · 29/09/2018 20:43

LEM, try your sexual health clinic for getting the Mirena out. They are the experts, doing it Day to day rather than once in a blue moon like the Gp.
I haven’t loads of practical advice, but your DH and you sound like my DH and me. You’ll be okay you know that and as he wouldn’t ask you to do anything to your body that you didn’t want, you wouldn’t do that to him re The vasectomy. Hell, I told my child loving DH I wasn’t up for having children and warned him before the wedding to consider carefully whether he wanted to go through with it. He did and we had DS1 10 months after the wedding after 10 years together with nobody doing anything that they didn’t want to do.
The implant was ok for me. Works for ages and if you aren’t a particularly hormonal type and prone to fat it’s good.
And don’t forget, you are best friends and excluding PIV doesn’t exclude other things. Your clit is nicely separate from your vag....

NotANotMan · 29/09/2018 20:46

He doesn't have to put his dick in you to have enjoyable, intimate sex.
Get the coil out, try some no pressure physical intimacy and see if you can get some horn back. If it doesn't come back, reassess.

Rebecca36 · 29/09/2018 20:47

Have the coil removed and use something else!

LadyLapsang · 29/09/2018 20:56

Sandy, minera coils often have to be removed surgically and that can be more invasive than a vasectomy. Also you have to consider the complications of childbirth and contraception for women - death (thankfully rare), dvts, prolapse, incontinence, varicose veins etc.

GnomeDePlume · 29/09/2018 20:56

Is sterilisation for you an option?

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