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Original poster

Just found out about his affair

40 replies

Nicole000 · 29/09/2018 11:08

Not sure what I'm looking for here, maybe just someone to listen.

I've been with my partner for 20 years and we have 3 children. I've recently found out he had an affair 10 years ago. We briefly split at the time but he assured me there was no one else and he just needed a break because he was stressed. He had become quite distant but I put it down to his work. He worked away from home at the time and we only spent weekends together. I now know he wasn't actually working away all week he was spending 1 or 2 nights staying at another woman's house. Which made it even more painful knowing I was at home looking after our children while he deceived me.

He has said sorry numerous times and I believe he is genuinely sorry. He says he has never done anything like this either before or after. He says it was just sex to him and it was offered to him on a plate (his words). He said he left me and her at the same time to sort his head out. He then came back a few weeks later.

Is it normal to want to know every detail? I've found myself constantly asking questions, including intimate ones. Is it better to try to forget or keep asking questions if I feel the need to? We intend to stay together but I'm not sure what the best way forward is. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
user14869556378 · 29/09/2018 11:15

If you intend to stay together do not ask any more details, it won't benefit you in anyway. The last thing you want to do is paint more pictures in your head.

foodiefil · 29/09/2018 11:18

Don't ask. You'll torture yourself with it. If you're staying together and it's been ten years since the affair I would try hard to forget. He chose you, he wants you.

Tenpkus1 · 29/09/2018 11:18

When did he have this affair?

foodiefil · 29/09/2018 11:23

@Tenpkus1 ten years ago, it's in the op

Tenpkus1 · 29/09/2018 11:23

I see it’s 10 years ago. You don’t hve to stay with him you know. Why don’t you have a break from him to figure out what you want. I suppose the same as he did. You know like he had a break from you and the children to have the space to think what he wanted.

starbrightlight · 29/09/2018 11:25

The advice from user1486 is completely wrong.

In order to rebuild trust and come to terms with this betrayal (if that's possible) you need to feel able to talk freely and ask whatever you want for as long as it takes. Those conversations can go on for months and years.

It's normal to want to know everything, and vital that he answers you with complete honesty. You need to feel that he understands he dropped a bomb into your world, and he needs to fully acknowledge the extent of your pain.

Your relationship (if it continues) has been changed forever and will take some compassionate and empathic navigating to find a way forward.

The 2 questions you need to ask yourself are:
Is your husband capable of doing what is required to heal things between you?
Are you capable of forgiveness?

category12 · 29/09/2018 11:25

I dunno, I would suspect that he left you for her but that it didn't work out, so he went back to you, rather than believing "he left me and her at the same time to sort his head out". Cos that sounds like bull.

Original poster
Nicole000 · 29/09/2018 11:40

Thanks for all your comments. He is trying to make amends and is willingly answering all my questions. I feel our relationship is worth saving and it has been slightly easier knowing it was such a long time ago.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/09/2018 11:44

Comforting he could lie so well for so long.

Original poster
Nicole000 · 29/09/2018 11:45

@category12 that did cross my mind but he was only gone for 2 weeks and I know he was at his parents house both of those weekends. Surely if he was still with her he would have spent one or both weekends with her, considering weekends were usually out of bounds for them.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/09/2018 11:49

Was she single?

How did you find out about the affair?

starbrightlight · 29/09/2018 11:49

If you feel it is worth saving and he is trying to make amends and is willing to listen to you and answer your questions, that's a good start.

How did you find out?

Lizzie48 · 29/09/2018 12:02

I really hate the standard male excuse 'she handed it to me on a plate.' He still could have turned her down. Hmm

Original poster
Nicole000 · 29/09/2018 12:03

she was single but knew about me and our children from the start

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 29/09/2018 12:04

How did you find out OP? Did he cone clean, or was the discovery inadvertent? This would make some difference to me.
I say some because ultimately he's very comfortably lied to you for 10 years, denied you the information you might have chosen to leave him over, to benefit himself because he (eventually) decides he'd stay with you after trying his luck elsewhere.
He will have endangered your health by taking a sex partner elsewhere and then sleeping with you, and prioritised his wants over that also.
He has, deliberately or not (And that's generpus), manipulated this so that you are having to let him off the hook by virtue of it being so far 'in the past you seem unreasonable to really hit the roof over it.
This would not sit well with me. You say he's answering all your questions but you don't know he's telling the truth, he's shown you he's happy to lie to benefit himself so listen.
Not impressed by his trying to shame and blame the OW by making out it happened because she laid it 'on a plate' either, when it was 50/50, that is a red flag for me.What a way to talk about a woman he was obviously attracted to and slept with. Don't hold this woman to account for his choices. He sounds like he'll say anything to get his own way.

I think 'trying to forget' will prove harder than you imagine. Why should you suffer with running over in your mind him in bed with someone else? Because he's sorry, but didn't give a shit at the time?
You do deserve more OP, anyone does!

Original poster
Nicole000 · 29/09/2018 12:04

@Lizzie48 totally agree!!

OP posts:
AdoreTheBeach · 29/09/2018 12:07

OP, it might be worth you both investing to go for couples counselling to work this through. If there’s been nothing, no hint if anything since (10 years is a long time to show if there is history of affairs by his behaviour), and it was truly only that one time, that he worked things out for himself with you - then go work in saving your marriage. Anger and hurt unresolved could cause so much stress/strain.

IhatetheArchers · 29/09/2018 12:15

I think 'she handed to me on a plate' is a woman-hating excuse.

Unless I am mistaken, no woman has ever said 're handed it me on a plate' as an excuse for an affair.

IhatetheArchers · 29/09/2018 12:16

And he was married, so he also knew about his wife and children.

Original poster
Nicole000 · 29/09/2018 12:21

@IhatetheArchers definitely wrong on both sides. I personally wouldn't get into a relationship knowing I was the other woman.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/09/2018 12:25

Op, you've a long road ahead and certainly Relate or something might be helpful to work through things, if you can afford it.

I'd find it hard to credit that it "was just sex" when it actually led to him leaving, even if briefly, all while lying to your face. Then lying to you for the next decade. And pushing the blame onto her, (she was offering it on a plate) Hmm.

I think how the affair has been revealed is probably relevant, too.

Original poster
Nicole000 · 29/09/2018 12:29

@category12 he admitted to the affair recently while in conversation about a neighbour of ours who has been thrown out by his wife for cheating. We had a long conversation about cheating in general and he broke down and admitted what he had done. He said he had wanted to tell me at the time but feared I would leave him.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/09/2018 12:31

Would you have taken him back if you’d known at the time?

lovetherisingsun · 29/09/2018 12:32

Beware if he's told you she "knew about you". Mine told me that too, when in actual fact they had no idea about me. He'd said that to make it sound like it was poor him, they knew full well he had a partner at home but they just wouldn't stop wanting him, etc etc etc ad infinitum. I'm better the other woman knew nothing about you. He's just trying to make himself look slightly better.

Original poster
Nicole000 · 29/09/2018 12:35

@AnneLovesGilbert I'm not sure to be honest

OP posts: