Just found out about his affair

[Nicole000]

Not sure what I'm looking for here, maybe just someone to listen.

I've been with my partner for 20 years and we have 3 children. I've recently found out he had an affair 10 years ago. We briefly split at the time but he assured me there was no one else and he just needed a break because he was stressed. He had become quite distant but I put it down to his work. He worked away from home at the time and we only spent weekends together. I now know he wasn't actually working away all week he was spending 1 or 2 nights staying at another woman's house. Which made it even more painful knowing I was at home looking after our children while he deceived me.

He has said sorry numerous times and I believe he is genuinely sorry. He says he has never done anything like this either before or after. He says it was just sex to him and it was offered to him on a plate (his words). He said he left me and her at the same time to sort his head out. He then came back a few weeks later.

Is it normal to want to know every detail? I've found myself constantly asking questions, including intimate ones. Is it better to try to forget or keep asking questions if I feel the need to? We intend to stay together but I'm not sure what the best way forward is. Thanks for reading.

The fact that it happened ten years ago is irrelevant here. Finding out now will feel as if it’s only just happened and the reaction is no less severe.

What I would want to know is why he suddenly felt the need to tell you now. If it happened ten years ago and he’s never talked about it before then what is it that brought it to the fore now?

I know someone who is going through similar and in his case it’s his DW who had the affair and not only was it several years ago but fell within such a time to mean that the paternity of their second child is in doubt. However she initially told him that the reason she had brought it up now is because she’s been eaten up over it for years and can’t live with the betrayal any longer (she denies that the child might not be his but still feels guilt over the affair.) It turns out that the OM has recently been in touch and she ran the risk of being exposed another way hence why she suddenly decided to come clean.

So if he’s only decided to tell you ten years down the track I would be wanting to know his genuine reasons for that first and foremost. And I would also be wondering how many other affairs he’s had since or whether he’s told you again now because he feels at risk of cheating again.

In the case of the person I know going through this, even though it was around ten years ago, and many people have told him that because it was so long ago he should be able to move on as they’ve had a happy enough marriage since, he has been unable to live with the betrayal and they are now getting divorced.

Just because this affair was historic doesn’t mean that you should feel that you can’t decide that it s still a deal breaker.

Bear in mind that he has been capable of lying to you for the past ten years, so there is no way of knowing at this stage whether he’s genuinely being truthful now.

Tell him you'll only consider staying together if he reads this book:

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01LW7N5U4/ref=cmswwrcppapi_al2RBbVXGPKMS

The author doesn't hold back and explains to the cheater about what their cheating does to their wife.

That must be so tough OP. He took your chooses away from you by not being honest and letting you decide with all the facts.

It’s been hanging over your marriage for a decade and the feeling of being the one in the dark is awful.

@BackInTheRoom thanks for the recommendation :-)

OP, is he a conflict avoider?

@BackInTheRoom yes very much so

I thought so. They 'compartmentalise' their emotions and problems, basically run away because they can't or don't want to deal with them.

From reading about affairs over the years, I personally think you can rebuild a marriage as long as both parties agree and there is honesty and total transparency and trust can be earned but he has concealed it for 10 years so I'm not so sure? It doesn't sound like he's the sort to face his problems?

OP I'm going through a very similar thing - although my DH's infidelity was 6 years ago rather than 10 (and was before we got married - not that it makes it any better) and was a one off (as confirmed by the other woman), I had not found out 3 weeks ago and am also trying to work through things with him to save the marriage. I did not yet know if we'll be successful but I believe it is worth at least trying to save.

We're currently going to Relate, I am getting individual counselling, as is he (there is a hell of a lot of unresolved stuff from his childhood and teenage years - not that excusing his actions but may go some way to explaining them). He's also showing a hell of a lot of humility, not blaming anyone but himself and allowing me to talk and ask what I want. I am avoiding asking for gory details but I fully sympathise with that torturous desire to know everything.

MN is a wonderful place for support and a lot of wise words are spoken here, but you will get a lot of LTB and you'll need to have courage in your convictions regarding your decision to stay with him. At the the end the day only you know what decision is right for you and not a load of (albeit often wise and kind) strangers on the internet.

'@CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger I'm sorry you're going through this too. It's so hard, isn't it. What is "LTB"' sorry I'm new lol?

@Nicole000 LTB means 'Leave The Bastard'. It's overused on Mumsnet, but very well meaning usually. But only you can make that decision.

It stands for 'Leave the Bastard'. Which I don't think you've got a lot of messages saying that at all, to be fair.

Sorry, yes, LTB is leave the bastard, and apologies for my multitude of type-os in my post - bloody phone (and not proofreading it before posting).

Hi op I’m in the same position
Welcome to the shittiest club in the world.
h had an affair 10 years ago and I found out 9 months ago. The tough bit is you will never get the truth, or you will but you will never be sure you have it all. You can’t go back and find any evidence because it was so long ago, so you are relying on the word of a proven liar.

You will go through so many stages.

There are strategies for dealing with intrusive thoughts if that become a problem.

Whether you can stay together or not will depend on how your H behaves now but ultimately it is up to you.
Taking a break is a good idea.
Talking about it together as much as possible helps.
I’m 9months out. The OW was my best friend and the double betrayal has left me lonely. I’m currently flat emotionally and H is working hard to rebuild trust and love but I haven’t made an decisions yet.
You don’t have to either x x

@Screaminginsidemeagain thanks for your response. Although my partner has been open to talking about it and answering my questions he doesn't seem to understand that it will take time. Yesterday we had a good day but today I'm really angry and he just doesn't seem to get it.

I hope your situation improves.

Ask all the questions you need to ask.

Another helpful resource is survivinginfidelity.com

Just because it was 10 years ago doesn't make it less painful.

I don't know if you work...but as he's not your DH..a split would mean he retains what's his.... you may have given up your career to support him working.