How do I check back in?

[Jeezthisishard]

First time posting and looking for someone who may have been in a similar position, no matter what the outcome.

Long story short, DH and I have been together 15 years, two young children. For several years I've felt it isn't right between us. I've tried to remotivate myself to find the good in our relationship and enjoy it like I once used to but I'm struggling.

I broached this at the beginning of the year, saying I wasn't happy and that I'd been trying for a long time to feel happier but I wasn't getting there alone so needed to do it together. Things have just got worse since. Since speaking of it and no longer having to pretend to be happy I'm withdrawing from the relationship more and want to be out of it more. Weekends with a whole two days ahead of us together are hardest as I'm permanently reminded how I don't want to be here.

Has anyone been in this position and managed to overcome it? To get back on track?

He's a great dad and a lovely man but I can escape this niggle that I've had for years that we aren't suited. I know the ideal would be we would find the contentment we once had and be happy as a unit but can't seem to find the drive or natural desire to fight for it now. I fear I'm too far gone.

Sorry for the long post.

*can't escape the niggle!!

You say you talked about this at the beginning of the year.

What plans did you put in place and how have they worked out ? I mean specifically what did you both agree to do and have you done it ?

He asked what he could do but I honestly found myself with very few answers. I said we should spend more time together as a couple but we haven't really, neither one of us has made an effort to other than a couple of nights out early on which left me feeling guilty as whilst they were nice enough I felt if it had been a date I probably wouldn't have had another.

I genuinely don't know what to suggest to make it better, the more time we spend together the more I'm confronted with how I feel and then feel guilty as I know he doesn't feel the same way. He wants us to be happy but it just feels something is lacking. I fear if I were to say what then I'd basically be giving a perfectly nice man, who I do love and really care about, a personality assasination that we couldn't come back from as a pair and would leave him feeling rubbish. But we were happy once! I'm thinking I need to try and view us more positively and battle on, and for us both to make the effort to spend time as a pair together.

I guess I'm hoping for someone to say they've been in similar circumstances and come back from it.

Hi OP.

'I guess I'm hoping for someone to say they've been in similar circumstances and come back from it.'

I think a lot of people don't quite know how to deal with this situation so I think we tend to see the end result on Mumsnet when the unhappy spouse has an affair instead? So we see the outcome of unresolved relationship problems.

Can I ask, how long were you two together before you got married?

Can you remember how you felt about him and why?

OP - have you considered couples’s counselling?
Feels like yoo both want to try to fix it and don’t know how. So - counselling can give you some tools/ideas/direction....
And if that doesn’t work - then you can consider other options.

Alternatively - you may consider individual counselling. Something in your post made me wonder if you are, in fact unhappy in a relationship OR unhappy in general.

We were together eight years before we married, I suggested counselling but he isn't interested at all. He worries me because he doesn't talk to anyone at all, he doesn't really have close friends. Those he is closer to he's told me he won't discuss things with. He's always been a bit of a closed book emotionally. I've been going to a counsellor - only been a few times - who basically thinks I've checked out too and hasn't offered much helpful guidance other than to say we'd benefit to going together but that's a no go for him!

I'm not unhappy in general, I love my job, my kids, enjoy time with my friends, don't feel down or fed up about anything else. When he's away I feel lighter. We used to have a good relationship - though I'm probably going back pre kids really, when we could afford holidays and more leisure time together.

I'm sure we could make more of an effort to spend time together but I'm at a point where I'm struggling to WANT to - as awful as that sounds. I want to WANT to though if that makes sense?!

Thanks for reading :)

I think I just need to battle on and keep spending time together now I've acknowledged it with him. I keep notes of how I'm feeling recently so I can look back and see if it's improving, hopefully more objectively that way.

Are you able to have a few days away together? It could tell you then whether you want to stay or whether there's just no hope. And it can't just be you trying, either - if your marriage is in trouble, both of you need to be trying to save it.

Go read some John Gottman OP or google/YouTube him and his work eg:'Bids for Attention' & The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse'.

I'd tell him that getting counselling together is a deal breaker! The appointments make you both accountable to changing things.

I would also be reminding him that therapy is far cheaper than divorce... you can't stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy as eventually the resentment sets in.

Thanks everyone. You're right. I'll raise the counselling again. And I'll look up John gottman - thank you!

The gottman horsemen thing completely changed my outlook on relationships. I need to buy one of his books and get my DH to read it.

Playing devil’s advocate here: what’s stopping you from ending it, OP? There must be things keeping you in the relationship - you haven’t (I think) mentioned that leaving is an option. If it’s because of his good qualities, does it help at all to focus on those?

I can totally relate to your situation op. I’d recommend reading “too good to leave, too bad to stay”; I found it helpful but it didn’t answer my ultimate question! We are having counselling but, like you, I’m struggling to even want to improve things. If he won’t go to counselling that’s not a great sign. You can go to relate on your own and still talk about the relationship. MIght help? It’s rubbish isn’t it - if only those feelings could just be switched on

Thank you for the book recommendation, the title says it all really! I'll look it up too. I'm so fed up of spending every day wondering if I'm happy and being over analysing things then thinking if I'm thinking like this I mustn't be!

I guess what prevents me from ending it all is both the children and, as I do care about him and know it's not what he wants, guilt about how crap it would make him feel. And how awful it would be for him. And how hard the whole thing would be. Though I do appreciate that a couple of years from now we'd all probably be settled and happier. Or I hope we would be. A crystal ball would be so very useful right now...

I felt like this with my previous partner of 11 years. It went on for about 2 years before I finally got the guts to walk away. We had a mortgage together and 2 young daughters so I think it was fear of the unknown that stopped me from ending it.

After DD2 was born he totally changed, stopped making an effort, no affection...nothing. In the end I actually despised him. Even the sound of him walking about would go through me. It’s really not a good place to be and I totally feel for you.

The turning point for me was when I went away for the weekend with one of my girlfriends. I missed my kids terribly but I felt so free and I honestly had the best time I’d had in YEARS!

As soon as I got home, I ended it. What made it worse for me was that he was so surprised by it. He hadn’t even noticed how unhappy I was.

I can honestly say it was the best decision I ever made. And also the best decision I made for my kids. At the time, it’s hard to see the future but 6 years down the line and I’m with someone else and am expecting baby number 3.

I don’t have an amazingly paid job but I coped financially, without a penny of maintenance from him. I was mentally stronger than I ever thought I would be.

The thought of such dramatic change is so daunting, but in the end you WILL be happier. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

I hope it works out for you

In your scenario, I wouldn’t just be ‘raising counselling again’ with him, I’d research and find a good one and book a handful of appointments. Hand your DH the slip of paper with the dates/times and say ‘I’ll see you there.’

You’re contemplating the end of your marriage. There’s no place for him to bury his head in the sand.

Remember that if things do end between you, you’ll still need him to be better at processing his feelings, and get skills in communicating. You’ll be co-parenting with him.

jeez our situations and feelings sound so similar! One bit of that book I’ve found helpful is to say: today I’m staying. As in, today I’ve made the decision to stay for this day at least. This helps with the over analysing and angsting - which I totally get! My dh has recently been away and I didn’t miss him and feel out of sorts now he’s back...

Op, I would encourage you to work on the marriage as you seem to have a strong base to build on.

I think there is a time when a relationship reaches a plateau and at that point it needs investment. Write a list of characteristics you appreciate about him and for a period of time only think, positively towards him.

How old are you? Do you still have attraction for each other?

Another book I’m finding really helpful is The Rough Patch by a Psychologist Daphne de something (marnelle?). It is really helping me sort out my own stuff from that of our marriage.

I agree with the pps that say counselling has to be a dealbreaker if you’re trying to stay together. You obviously can’t work it out for yourselves so you’ll have to get help. If he’s not willing to try then I think that says a lot about his attitude.

I would also add to those who say leaving isn’t so bad. Staying together purely for the kids is probably the worst thing you could do. Your mild dislike of the weekend stretched out before you will, after a few more years, grow into you despising the sight of him. He’ll probably hate you too and the kids will be miserable. If you can’t improve your relationship (or if he just won’t try) you’d be better off cutting your losses now whilst there still a chance you could amicably coparent.

So can I just check - in the last year you have been on a couple of dates and you have been to a couple of counselling sessions,alone, with a useless counsellor. Is that right ?

And apart from than, neither of you have done anything to change the situation. The only thing you can think of is counselling and he has refused.

That suggests to me that neither of you want to change things, your marriage is over and you are reluctantly house sharing .

I think what you said here is how you honestly feel -

I guess what prevents me from ending it all is both the children and, as I do care about him and know it's not what he wants, guilt about how crap it would make him feel. And how awful it would be for him. And how hard the whole thing would be

So only you can decide if staying is better than going. Can you live like this for the next 5-10 years or however long it is until your children are adults ? If you are staying for them.

Even then once they have left home, leaving will still make your husband feel crap and you feel guilty . So will you then stay for him ?

It sounds like your feelings are always bottom of the pile . Were you brought up to believe that what you was not important and you were just there to serve others ?

Perhaps add to your diary a list of things you used to do together that you enjoyed and/or things you could do together. When did you last go out and get drunk together?! I don't mean you have to get wasted but it's always a bit of fun getting tipsy together! Try and do activities that aren't always about kids, or the house or the garden. Activities that are actually about enjoying yourselves!

Thank you everyone. What you're all saying is right.

No, we haven't done much the last year, I haven't helped by saying when asked that I didn't know what he could do. He did make an effort with buying things - flowers etc but I wanted to feel closer to him again, not have stuff. We talked again and he withdrew, feeling his efforts were in vain and I think I checked out further feeling guilty about how I don't feel the same way as him. A couple of weeks ago we came close to calling it a day - well, I did, but something stopped me and I genuinely don't know if it was that I don't want to end it or I didn't quite have the nerve to face what would come. I said we need to try and laugh together again as a starter and do some fun stuff together. This weekend he has made an effort to not lie in bed til lunch, get up, dressed and we all went out. It made yesterday a lot more pleasant than usual weekends so hopefully this is a pattern we can repeat and may see improvement. If not, then I am not unwilling to call it a day as I simply can't and won't carry on with my mind whirring about whether things are right with us.

I think you are right, my feelings are bottom of the pile, I don't know why, had a pleasant childhood etc but I do overthink things and think a lot about the consequences of my actions on other people. In pretty much every aspect of my life! I'm one of those who apologises for offending someone who then looks at me blankly as they weren't offended and I've just overthought it. A good friend said I need to put how I feel first and I've been genuinely trying to work that out and factor it in. Thank you for your thoughts as it kind of reaffirms it when it comes from someone independent if that makes sense?!

I will consider what we used to enjoy doing together and try and recreate it, thank you. I feel I need to give it everything I can. We rarely drink together, he's not a big drinker at all, I enjoy a drink so tend to do it if he's at work from time to time but don't drink often myself. We got drunk together for the first time in forever about six weeks ago. It ended in a drunken blazing row with emotions running high so probably best to avoid that for now!! Though it did clear the air!! He isn't much of a talker and the alcohol made him loose lipped, which was helpful for me to get an insight into how he was feeling!

Empathy is a great quality. But it’s possible to have too much empathy for others and not enough for ourselves.

Your wish to be happy is just as valid and important as his.

If your best friend has written this thead, what would you advise her? How long should she stay in a dead marriage so as not to make her husband feel bad ?

Can I ask who looks after the kids on a Saturday morning while he lies in bed until lunchtime ? And do you get the same lie in on a Sunday ?

I think that “ pleasant “ is an unusual word to use to describe your childhood . Do you want to say more about it ?