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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Family wants nothing to do with me, dh or ds anymore

62 replies

colinsmommy · 24/08/2004 15:30

Spent a sleepless night last night. Yesterday my mom called to say that my parents, grandparents and aunt and uncle want nothing more to do with my baby unless we go back to the religion. I guess I knew this was going to happen eventually, but can't figure out why they did this now. I got so mad because they are trying to blame my husband for my going "astray" after pretending to be nice to him for six years. I just can't believe so many people are voluntarily removing themselves from ds's life. He is their only grandchild/great-grandchild. I don't really know why I wrote this, but thanks for reading if you did.

OP posts:

Fio2 · 24/08/2004 15:33

so sorry this has happened. What religion are you in if you dont mind me asking? Sounds a very harsh thing to do to your loved ones if you are 'supposedly' religious! (your family not you)

I am estranged from my dad and his family through different circumstances and it was very hard at the begining. the feeling of abandonment is awful but as time goes by it does get easier.

Kayleigh · 24/08/2004 15:34

colinsmommy, this is awful for you. I don't understand why now ?? Have they been on at you ever since you met your dh ? has something happened recently to make them give this ultimatem ?

Mosschops30 · 24/08/2004 15:36

Message withdrawn

Aero · 24/08/2004 15:36

So sorry to read this colinsmommy. Have no advice to offer, but didn't want to ignore this post. It seems strange - do your parents/family love your ds - has this been a difficult descision to make? How old is he? Or do they think they can gain something by 'blackmailing' you in this awful way. What is the religion you are talking about? Sorry - lots of questions, but I find it hard to understand why this should happen now if things have been ok(ish) for six years. Hugs{{o{}}}

lavender1 · 24/08/2004 15:36

that's a terrible thing to say to someone, never mind your own relative...has this been building up, or has it just come up out of the blue??

Avalon · 24/08/2004 15:37

Sad as this is for you - ultimately I think your family will be the ones to lose out. They'll never experience the joy of seeing your baby grow up.

KateandtheGirls · 24/08/2004 15:38

I'm sorry. That's awful. They miss out on their grandchild, but what's worse is that Colin misses out on his family.

I don't understand how people who are supposedly "religious" can behave that way. I'm not a religious person, but I thought that religion (whichever one it is) is all about loving each other despite your shortcomings and differences. Especially your own family. I hope your husband is a good support for you.

Original poster

colinsmommy · 24/08/2004 15:39

I don't understand why now either. They are Jehovah's Witnesses, and they have been very cool since I left and married dh. When ds was born, they got a lot friendlier, and haven't been at me as much, because when they do, I just don't send them any pictures, call them to let them know what he's doing, etc. I was there a little over a week ago, and everything seemed fine, my grandparents even said they were coming down. Then I just got a call out of nowhere today. I think they might have gotten wind of the 1st birthday party we had for my son, but what do they think I do after not being under their control for the last 7 years?

OP posts:

Fio2 · 24/08/2004 15:41

just over a birthday party?! so sorry

maybe they are just being a bit oversensitive an they will calm down?

anorak · 24/08/2004 15:42

Oh, cm, how sad. We are estranged from dh's parents, not for the same reason, but I do understand the sadness and gap it leaves in your life. My dh is in therapy now, he nearly had a breakdown after the estrangement, he said he felt as if they had both suddenly died.

Please tell us more about the religion. Certain religions can be terribly damaging to family relationships - people seem to lose the ability to think for themselves if they are indoctrinated by rules. At least you know they have not rejected you through anything personal - there is absolutely nothing you could do about this. I am sure in their hearts they love you and want you but by the sound of it their religion is terribly domineering and strict.

anorak · 24/08/2004 15:43

posts crossed, just reading down now.

muddaofsuburbia · 24/08/2004 15:43

JW's don't believe in birthdays - is that right?

Fio2 · 24/08/2004 15:44

i thought it was just christmas

Aero · 24/08/2004 15:46

Could they feel under pressure from senior members of their 'church'? I don't imagine that they love you any less, but perhaps feel that this is what they must do and that it might somehow bring you back?? They might feel extremely torn, but think they are doing 'the right thing'. I can't believe this is something they want to do.
Surely though they must understand that you have your own free will to live your life how you please and by with-holding themselves and their love from you will never win you back - probably quite the opposite.

Original poster

colinsmommy · 24/08/2004 15:47

They don't believe in any holidays at all. According to the "rules" they aren't supposed to have us in our lives if they don't feel we can be converted. I told them when I left I was never coming back, so I don't see why they would think that way. I haven't told them about the holidays, because I think that would be purposely hurtful to discuss it with them. I just don't see why it surprised them, since I haven't done anything for so long religionwise. Some families still have contact with their non-Witness relatives, but I guess that isn't what they are going to do.

OP posts:

anorak · 24/08/2004 15:48

Perhaps they were putting it out of their mind and kind of kidding themselves on that you were hovering on the edge of the religion. If they found out about the party it would have been too much to ignore.

What can you do though? You can't stop having birthdays etc just to please them if you don't agree with their reasons. You have every right to choose your own way of life and if they can't handle it, it's their loss. I know there is more to it than that but at the end of the day there is no use wondering what else you could do.

Mumsnetters will help you get over your sadness. We are an understanding lot. I'm so glad you and dh are in agreement. Losing your family is an enormously tough blow but you have your own family to help get you through it.

Blu · 24/08/2004 15:49

colinsmummy - so sorry to hear this. You must have had to be very strong to leave and marry your dh - that is something that will see you all through thick and thin. How close are you to his family?

It just seems so wasteful of them, to abandon a realtionship with a child, like that. Very sad.

anorak · 24/08/2004 15:51

I know this is going to be unpopular, but I myself have a very dim view of religions, and this sort of thing is why.

Original poster

colinsmommy · 24/08/2004 15:52

Yes, dh's family are wonderful, dh is wonderful and rl friends are wonderful. Its just such a big blow to absorb from out of the blue. I can take it for me, they've been playing mind games with me for years, its just as a mother that I am truly hurt that people are shutting themselves and their love out of my ds life.

OP posts:

Fio2 · 24/08/2004 15:53

I instinctively think there has been external pressure on them to make this decision, do you?

If they have been understanding for 7 years I can see why, on their own back so to speak, they would just cut off contact like that. Cant you talk to them and tell them how much you will them inspite of the religion. You will not convert but still want a relationship? This is so sad. I am not suprised though an old friend of mine tried to commit suicide over the same thing, and then she became anorexic. i know how hard it is for you colinsmummy

Fio2 · 24/08/2004 15:55

post crossed! I know how you feel colinsmummy, thats how I still feel about my dad. I love my kids so much, how can anyone be like that to their kids?

Inthecloset · 24/08/2004 15:56

I am a regular Mumsnetter who has posted about this before. As I have said before I do not want to reveal who I am normally as I generally don't believe this is the place to talk about my religion. However I was moved when I read colinsmommy's post to write something.

I do not know the specific circumstances so will not comment on them but did want to say that even if family members move away from being JWs and although we may be saddened that they have taken a different course in life we are not in any way encouraged to disown them in fact the opposite we always remain hopeful that they will come back again.

However if anyone wants to know any more about Jehovah's Witnesses please look at \linkwww.watchtower.org/offical website{}.

I will not post again on this thread so please don't ask me to.

Inthecloset · 24/08/2004 15:57

Official Website

Original poster

colinsmommy · 24/08/2004 15:58

I tried that yesterday, Fio2. All I got was hung up on. Maybe when some time passes, but I doubt it.

That's interesting about your friend. I had a problem with anorexia and tried suicide when I was in the religion. Fortunately I've got enough wonderful things in my life now that I'd never do it again.

OP posts:

Fio2 · 24/08/2004 16:03

actually you could be her, I knew her at school, you are not from the midlands are you and moved down south? My old school friend blamed it on bullying, the suicide but it later transpired it was to do with the JW thing

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