Uncomplicated men v those full of drama ... is it supposed to feel this way?!

[uoksaturn]

To set the scene I’m 34 and have had a history of long ish relationships - lived with one man fully for 3 years, lived with another partially (most of the time but had my own place) and then have had a couple of other relationships with men who to be honest haven’t been all that nice to me and my friends have even called them abusive.

Fast forward 10 months and I’ve done some work on myself to go out of my way to find a nice, decent chap, who most importantly is emotionally available and wants a family etc.

I seem to have found this person and we have been dating for 2 months. He is down to earth, not my typical man at all looks wise, but we’ve kissed and it was amazing. We’ve not done the deed though yet.

He gives me butterflies and I am excited to see him but I’m not crazy about him like I have been in the past with people by now. He makes me laugh a lot and is clearly very into me and wants this to work. There’s no drama or problems or complications with him so it’s almosr like a very ‘quiet’ relationship and I’m embarrassed to admit I sometimes think he is having me on with how consistently nice he is?!

Is that how it is supposed to be? Why have my feelings been more intense in the past with the more ‘dangerous/complicated’ people? What I want is to settle down and in the past I have ended up with men who either wouldn’t or couldn’t give me that. He can and yet I am apprehensive as despite the butterflies it’s not as full of magic and excitement and drama as my previous relationships...

You have done well indeed to do some work on yourself so keep going with this process.

If you have not already done so I would suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom programme run by Womens Aid as this is for those who have been in previously abusive relationships. Such men can and do mess with boundaries and this can indeed leave a mark even after you have exited the abusive relationship. This may be why you perhaps feel a bit unsure about this man now.

Some questions to ask yourself here:-
What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What sort of an example did your parents show you?. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from them.

You being in previously abusive relationships may be a result of a damaging template you learnt and picked up from in childhood.

What was your dad like towards you; was he emotionally unavailable to you as a child?. Were these abusive men really another version of your dad, a man who you perhaps tried so very hard to get approval from. If so all that would have affected your perception of relationships very markedly going forward.

Quiet is good!!. And this is how mutually respectful relationships are or should be conducted. No drama llamas or huge highs followed by crashing lows. I do not think your previous relationships were full of magic or excitement either so much as drama fuelled on his part.

Have a read of the website entitled Baggage Reclaim and read this article too:-

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/

I secind everything Attila says. You need to do all that work above before you can feel safe and happy in a healthy relationship.

Thanks!

I never really thought my last relationships were abusive, it was more that they were never fully available and I knew it from the start really!

I’ve made a choice here to date properly available people but the magic seems to have gone a bit with it! There’s no second guessing or the high and low as you said! Just a person who wants the same as me. It’s obviously nice in that respect but it’s so...well quiet!

I’m falling for him but slowly and I’m not sure I will properly fall for him. Just taking it every day. Is that the right way?!

And In answer to the first poster my relationship with my parents was normal as far as I know :)

There should be no extremes and no second guessing, no inconsistency, no love bombing, no games etc. Sometimes people get a bit addicted to those feelings and get confused about it being too nice/boring when it's just uncomplicated and growing...

PS. Best of luck

It feels like it growing, but by now we’ve usually had a big drama to deal with so we’ve had a high and low. This feels different...

I’m falling for him but slowly and I’m not sure I will properly fall for him. Just taking it every day. Is that the right way?!

Yes. Proper relationships are generally calm. They aren't tumultuous and full of drama. You gradually either feel more fond of the person, or less fond, and take action accordingly (i.e. you either move things to the next stage e.g. exclusive sexually with each other, or you end things.)

Have a google of "trauma bonding", I think it may help you.

Women are generally socialized via mass media to think that drama filled relationships with "giddy highs and terrible lows" are the definition of romantic relationships. Um, no. They are the definition of unhealthy relationships.

(Don't even get me started about how every "rom com" involves a man pushing a woman's boundaries until she eventually gives in)

It's perfectly possible that a man can make you scream in the bedroom AND not scream at any other time, but just be a reliable partner/co-parent/FWB who is straightforward and doesn't leave you feeling like you don't know your own mind.

nottheford that is interesting.

He is quite enthusiastic about seeing me but when I said I wanted to go slow he has totally respected that. I think I feel like maybe it isn’t going anywhere because it’s not crazily loved up super fast intense feelings by now. When usually I would be at that point.

Having said that, there is feeling there. It’s just not as blinded by infatuation from day 1.

Its called authenticity!! A rare commodity these days IME.

Ha ha suppose so!

I loved angsty men/a bit of drama all through my 20s (and early 30s). Great fun (most of the time...) and gave me a few cinematic moments that I’ll be able to reflect on in my old age....

Then met a guy I really got on with. We started dating and I was like “hang on, you make my life less complicated, rather than more complicated - how odd. And you are very reasonable all of the time - weird”.

I also wondered for a while whether that’s how it was supposed to be...

Fast forward a few years, we are happily married and baby imminent. I am genuinely content in a way that I wasn’t actually sure i was capable of.

Yes every now and again I have a little moment of wishing for the drama of yesteryear (eg when watching Bodygaurd ) but I would say that yes, a lot of healthy relationships are indeed pretty “quiet”. I do remember hearing someone say once that you know when you’re in the right relationship when there’s nothing much to say to people about it (ie no dramas to relate to your mates etc.)

Give it a go! And enjoy it. x

Thanks partyring that’s really nice to read!

I like him a lot and he’s on my mind a lot and he makes me laugh. Kissing is great. He’s very keen to progress things and wants the same things as me. All very civilised.

I’ve had so many previous dramas.. people turning up at midnight, people having to suddenly work away and long distance romance, people kissing me at work parties...all that stuff that doesn’t actually end well! And here I am with this really nice man, consistent and kind to me and it’s scary in a whole new way but there’s no dramatic apologies or tears or make up sex!

You already know the answer to the big questions i.e. that you want the same things in life. So ask yourself, am I enjoying this relationship at the moment? If no, end it. If yes, carry on seeing him. See how things develop. He gives you butterflies, kissing is great... sounds like a really good basis for a relationship to me and it sounds like you've got a good one.

When I first started seeing my (now) DH, it was a bit like that. I'd had some mad flings with exciting but ultimately unsuitable men. He was nice, but not really exciting. Kept thinking "it won't last, but I'm enjoying it right now, so I'll carry on seeing him." Been together nine years and married three.

@partyringthing has it - less complicated. For me that was the key thing about my relationship with DH.

Also, are you complementary? Do you even each other out, even if you have different tastes and views? That was the other big thing for me - that our weaknesses were supported by the other and our strengths enhanced.

Calm and even and measured is good. I don't know anyone in a successful relationship who started from a position of high drama, as thrilling as it can be at the time

Yes we are complementary. I think it’s the lack of drama that’s making me think ‘well this can’t be THE love story?!’

I’ve grown to like him more, but it’s been slow and steady and still early days.

There are no magic moments. It’s all rather consistent and nice! After a few turbulent relationships I can’t work out if I like it or not...part of me wonders if this is it and the other part feels really calm and happy.

One thing is that he’s SO consistent that there’s no ‘will he text me won’t he text me’...I can’t decide if I like it or not! Obviously that’s what you want ultimately isn’t it but it’s been like that since about week 2 with this chap - very straightforward

I'm in your situation but a few months further on. I previously had an "amazing" high and low drama relationship with an emotionally unavailable man who I was crazy about . Now I am with a no drama straightforward guy and yes it took me a while to learn how to be in this new relationship . He is consistent , he doesn't lie to me and it took a while to grow. My feelings for him have also grown in a slow and consistent manner as opposed to that instant craziness with the previous man . It is far from boring though ! Consistent and nice is good . Good luck !

In the same position and I keep looking for signs that it’s too good to be true! I cannot steady down about it. I am so used to crazy turbulent relationships that steady feels wrong. My feelings don’t feel to be in the place they should be. I’m hoping I can settle down a bit soon.

OP what you’re experiencing is likely perfectly normal if you’ve had some drama fuelled relationships in the past. Relationships built on drama with massive highs and lows can be very addictive and alluring but ultimately they end in misery

Stability isn’t always sexy and often there aren’t as many highs but certainly there aren’t very many lows either which can make a refreshing change.

I made the mistake of dumping 2 boyfriends for an ex that brought nothing but drama and heart ache and looking back with hindsight those guys were perfectly lovely chaps and would have made much better boyfriends in the long term but I just couldn’t see the wood for the trees at the time.

Give me comfortable, stable and drama free any day of the week these days!

The part that made me realise my dh is the one is that it was so easy.

From the first date there was no issues, no wondering, no drama. We just matched each other so well and there was no question that we were exclusive. Even though we hadn’t discussed it yet.

All that told me he was it. The ease of it and lack Of drama made it right.

We still had issues and disagreements, but what made it different was that , just because we fought, didn’t have me scared we would break up. I wasn’t thinking ‘are we going to break up’ at the same time.

That made it better then all my other relationships, again made this one better then all the drama and anxiety filled relationships.

This calmness is actually a sign you two would work in the long run.

I agree with all this!

With my ex, it was passionate, intense but also very volatile at time. There was always something happening and the feelings always intensified.

Now, been seeing a man for 4-5 months and it's like you OP. He is just a nice man, not messed me about. There no intense feelings of infatuation or love but there also no arguments or rollercoaster of emotions.

I am 29 now with a DD so I prefer the second type relationship.

I suppose the litmus test is....................

How's your MH?

I had a very tumultuous relationship with my ex. There was always drama, I never knew where I stood. One minute he was proposing, the next he was disappearing for days at a time. I was constantly on edge and didn't know where I stood. He was a nightmare but we were together for a while. I eventually broke it off (and subsequently found he was cheating on me).

A few months later I met a lovely guy. He text when he said he would, turned up when he said he would, was kind and thoughtful. I travelled with work during our early days of dating and would be away for a few weeks at a time - he waited for me and I knew there was nobody else. We have been married for nearly 5 years with 1DS and a DD on the way. He's my best friend and being married with kids I thank my lucky stars that he's nothing like my ex. I would much, much rather be with stable and loving DH. We do argue sometimes, but it's always quickly resolved. I'd say our relationship grew more slowly than some others I'd had, but for us it was a good think. I wouldn't swap him for the world!

Obviously everybody is different, but perhaps give it a bit more time and see what develops? You may be pleasantly surprised! Good luck op x

I think once you experience one of these toxic relationships that are full of drama and hot and cold behaviour that you get hooked on them - partly because you’re locked in a pattern of trying to finally make one work, and therefore right all the other past wrongs with the other nightmare guys. And partly because you may be a bit attachment avoidant yourself, and therefore feel ‘safe’ in these relationships that aren’t real and won’t work.

I had a batch of unsuitables, then met a really lovely guy who was completely straightforward and treated me so brilliantly and he really kind of fixed me I think. In the end I met someone else who is both loyal, honest and steady but also gives me butterflies and is Goldilocks/Porridge style ‘just right’ for me. But I’d never have got together with him if I hadn’t had a lovely year with a nice guy. See where it leads and enjoy being with someone who is calm, kind and respectful.

posts are so interesting! the toxic relationships are addictive, i was definitely hooked and it was almost like a feeling of "now this one WILL work".... they never did of course and usually looking back with very difficult people..