Uncomplicated men v those full of drama ... is it supposed to feel this way?!

[uoksaturn]

To set the scene I’m 34 and have had a history of long ish relationships - lived with one man fully for 3 years, lived with another partially (most of the time but had my own place) and then have had a couple of other relationships with men who to be honest haven’t been all that nice to me and my friends have even called them abusive.

Fast forward 10 months and I’ve done some work on myself to go out of my way to find a nice, decent chap, who most importantly is emotionally available and wants a family etc.

I seem to have found this person and we have been dating for 2 months. He is down to earth, not my typical man at all looks wise, but we’ve kissed and it was amazing. We’ve not done the deed though yet.

He gives me butterflies and I am excited to see him but I’m not crazy about him like I have been in the past with people by now. He makes me laugh a lot and is clearly very into me and wants this to work. There’s no drama or problems or complications with him so it’s almosr like a very ‘quiet’ relationship and I’m embarrassed to admit I sometimes think he is having me on with how consistently nice he is?!

Is that how it is supposed to be? Why have my feelings been more intense in the past with the more ‘dangerous/complicated’ people? What I want is to settle down and in the past I have ended up with men who either wouldn’t or couldn’t give me that. He can and yet I am apprehensive as despite the butterflies it’s not as full of magic and excitement and drama as my previous relationships...

psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style/

I totally recommend this article! I was similar to you and reading about attachment theory after coming across this artictle was a game changer for me

The drama is all very Romeo and Juliet, that's fine when you're young, it's very easy to get addicted to the drama, but they're not mature relationships.

In ltr - life brings enough dramas of its own - children, parents, job gains and losses, without adding the instability and volatility of an unstable relationship.

I really agree with all the PPs. When I met DH he told me he doesn't play games. He'll ring when he says and if for any reason he doesn't it's because something has come up. He'll always keep in contact. 26 years married and three DC later it's still great. His sister once kind of put him down as not being a great dad, but that's cos her husband is always for show, but he's not the kind who took their DC to football/scouts, etc, week in, week out. She can't depend on him. He does things when the fit takes him, not when they need to be done.

DH isn't showy at all, but I can 100% rely on him as can the DC. He does also still give me butterflies and I very much look forward to spending time with him.

I've had both kinds of relationships and my current one is the one for me for the rest of our lives.

Google/YouTube Dawn Maslar, 'Men Chase, Women Choose'. She explains how men are built to Chase. Apparently, and I may get this a bit wrong, but men need time to build Oxytocin receptors in order to 'fall in love' and this might explain the old saying, make a man wait! But women apparently release Oxytocin when they Orgasm and why they fall in love (so quickly). Anyway, like I said I might have got it a bit wrong so go check it out!

Also google/YouTube Helen Fisher. She talks about how we can be dominant in certain neurotransmitters or hormones?; Dopamine, Estrogen, Testosterone, Serotonin. There's a test she has devised which is really enlightening.

I'm so glad you asked this. I've been feeling like this myself and wasn't quite sure why but this all makes perfect sense to me.