Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just want to be on my own

42 replies

Vonvon222 · 27/09/2018 22:12

I am so miserable at the moment. Been with my husband 20 years (I'm 38 now).
We have 4 children ( 3 teenagers and a 10 yo) I've never been on my own, I want space. My husband is 13 years older than me. He has taken charge of everything since we met. I want my independence. I just not in love with him anymore. He isn't a bad person. He's very kind to me but it's not enough. I know it would break his heart if I told him.

He hasn't even done anything wrong, how can I justify breaking up the family. Do I just put up with feeling like this to keep everyone else happy. The past few weeks I have just felt so down. H asks what's wrong and I say everything but that's as far as the conversation goes. I can't even force myself to have small talk anymore. He just carries on as normal . I feel so trapped. I'm not sure what I'm expecting anyone to say but I guess just writing it out is a release of sorts.

There is no one else btw, I'd happily be on my own forever. I love my own space. When he works long shifts I feel so happy and relaxed. It's just wrong.

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 27/09/2018 22:22

What about just telling him and remaining friends, but not living as husband/wife?. My friend did that with her ex husband, she had 2 kids to him but never loved him at all.

You don't want to get to old age and realize that your life has been wasted being stuck with someone.Both him and the kids will get over it and be able to move on.

Doingreat · 28/09/2018 09:39

You say he's done nothing wrong. Yet from your op it sounds like he's very controlling and you find him 'taking charge of everything' unbearable. He's an older man whom you met as a teenager and he has made all the big decisions and not allowed you much say. He still treats you as a teenager it seems.

There's a lot wrong with your marriage. He has behaved wrongly. It's ok not to want to be married to him anymore.

jenn151 · 28/09/2018 10:00

I feel for you. It's so hard. I'm in the same situation. Feel so miserable in my marriage. Trust is gone and I can't bear to even b in his company. He works away all week and come Friday I feel so anxious as I know he will be back and the arguments will start. I told him I didn't love him any more but he is ignoring this and says if I give it time and he proves he has changed I will fall back in love with him. But I don't think it works like that. I can't bear him touching me and have not been intimate for 5 months. Have 2 kids and am afraid it's not the right thing to do to finish it altogether but I can't go on being this unhappy either. It's very hard but why should we just put up living in misery just to please everyone else. Life is short but I don't want to mess up my kids lives...

Original poster
Vonvon222 · 28/09/2018 18:18

Thanks for your replies.
@Doingreat I've never thought of it like that. I think I've just accepted it is normal but now I just want space and be independent. Even up until recently we shared his email address. I've since got my own, same as PayPal account, Amazon etc. Even just having those as my own was such a relief.

@jenn151 every little thing he does irritates me. I snap at him for asking me stupid questions. I can't move for him. It's suffocating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vonvon222 · 28/09/2018 18:20

He has gone away this weekend and I just feel so much happier, I'm so organised with everything when he's not here. I'm.jist scared to make the break.

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 28/09/2018 18:25

I'm Not sure I agree with the previous posters.

when you say you want your independence what do you mean?
why have you fallen out of love with him? he sounds like a perfectly pleasant man.

what is it exactly that you want? maybe your expectations are too high?

Original poster
Vonvon222 · 28/09/2018 18:32

I want to be on my own, I've realised I'm so much happier on my own.

Yes he is a perfectly pleasant man, he's looked after me for 20 years. Is it wrong to fall out of love though. I don't think my expectations are high at all, I don't have any.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 28/09/2018 18:40

I want to be on my own, I've realised I'm so much happier on my own.

Then be on your own. Your kids will be so much happier with a happy mum and a happy dad*

*He may try to gaslight you by claiming he was much happier when you were a couple

Original poster
Vonvon222 · 28/09/2018 18:56

That's the thing though, surely he can't be happy either. No intimacy just plodding along pretending everything is ok.

OP posts:
nomoremrsniceguy · 28/09/2018 19:09

OP you have my sympathies. I also spent a few years living with someone I wanted to leave. I couldn't see how it would be possible to tell everyone, especially the kids. I used to love night shifts cos I got the bed to myself and loads of alone time. If he went out (rarely) I would always feel anxious and resentful when he was due home. I finally told him earlier this year and it really was the most difficult thing. Once I'd told him i just kept saying the same thing calmly til he moved out. Currently I'm in the middle of the divorce process, which is horrible. Having said all that I am so much happier I find it hard to describe , I feel relieved and optimistic for the first time in years. I wish I had done it sooner. Don't waste time, just go with what is in your heart. Good luck.

Original poster
Vonvon222 · 28/09/2018 19:18

@nomoremrsniceguy yes he works night shift on rotation every 3 weeks and I love having the bed to myself without have to fend off advances. I know I need to do it. I'm just scared to hurt everyone. I keep telling myself life is far too short. Do I really want to get another 20 years down the line regretting staying in a marriage when I wasn't happy.

OP posts:
Smozzles · 28/09/2018 19:24

I love my own space. When he works long shifts I feel so happy and relaxed. It's just wrong.

I'm the same age as you. I'm 38 too. Unfortunately I don't have children and I'm married but I feel exactly as you do. I love when he's not here.

SandyY2K · 28/09/2018 19:28

Do I really want to get another 20 years down the line regretting staying in a marriage when I wasn't happy.

Best get out now.

Move2WY · 28/09/2018 19:33

When you say everything to him op, in tesponse you’re nt being direct enough. Everything could mean anything really. Sometimes I say it and mean money troubles and work stress- nothing to do with family.

IMO you need to say directly you feel suffocated and unhappy and you’re thinking about having some space. See where it goes.

Original poster
Vonvon222 · 28/09/2018 19:34

I just feel so bad about it all.
The logistics of moving out etc. I just can't move out and leave my kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vonvon222 · 28/09/2018 19:37

Usually when I say everything is wrong I just say I'm fed up with everything. About a year ago he was being really moody and snappy with everyone I told him then I was treading on eggshells and was happy when he left for work every day. He was quite shocked and has actually changed in that respect but there is just something missing for me.

OP posts:
Smozzles · 28/09/2018 19:40

I can relate 100%. My marriage is my biggest regret at the moment.

LonginesPrime · 28/09/2018 19:44

he's looked after me for 20 years

OP, do you mean he's your carer, or that he's treated you well for 20 years?

Missingstreetlife · 28/09/2018 19:48

Don't leave your kids, you can work out shared care like lots of others do. You might try relate, on your own or with him to work out the best way forward

gamerchick · 28/09/2018 19:49

So you got together when you were 18 and he's 13 years older than you? Youre probably ready to find out who you are. You're still pretty young and it sounds like you've simply outgrew him. There's nothing wrong with that.

VictoriaBun · 28/09/2018 20:02

Ask yourself this.

If he came home from his weekend and sat you down to tell you he had met someone else. What would be your reaction ?

If he came home and said to you he had been thinking of the relationship and wanted to get back to how it used to be, to go out dating, and to take things slowly to see where it goes. How would that be ?

You will then have your own answer.

Original poster
Vonvon222 · 28/09/2018 20:04

@Longinesprime no he's not my carer he's just basically looked after me since we met.

Yes gamerchick, that's right. I don't actually feel I know who I am right now but I want to find out and just be me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vonvon222 · 28/09/2018 20:07

@victoriaBun if he said that he'd met someone else I really Think I'd be relieved. I've sometimes wished he would and it would solve everything.

OP posts:
VictoriaBun · 28/09/2018 20:14

Well there you go. You have your answer. So what are you going to do about it ?

Smozzles · 28/09/2018 20:19

You could take the first step by telling him how you feel. You don't have to announce a break-up immediately but an honest conversation could bring you some relief.

Swipe left for the next trending thread