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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just want to be on my own

42 replies

Vonvon222 · 27/09/2018 22:12

I am so miserable at the moment. Been with my husband 20 years (I'm 38 now).
We have 4 children ( 3 teenagers and a 10 yo) I've never been on my own, I want space. My husband is 13 years older than me. He has taken charge of everything since we met. I want my independence. I just not in love with him anymore. He isn't a bad person. He's very kind to me but it's not enough. I know it would break his heart if I told him.

He hasn't even done anything wrong, how can I justify breaking up the family. Do I just put up with feeling like this to keep everyone else happy. The past few weeks I have just felt so down. H asks what's wrong and I say everything but that's as far as the conversation goes. I can't even force myself to have small talk anymore. He just carries on as normal . I feel so trapped. I'm not sure what I'm expecting anyone to say but I guess just writing it out is a release of sorts.

There is no one else btw, I'd happily be on my own forever. I love my own space. When he works long shifts I feel so happy and relaxed. It's just wrong.

OP posts:

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 28/09/2018 20:23

Hi OP I had a similar convo with my DP in January and nothing had improved by summer so I finished it and he is moving out.

I am not sad at all about it apart from on dc’s behalf.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

Original poster

Vonvon222 · 28/09/2018 20:28

Yeah I think you're right Smozzles, even just having the conversation might help.

Honestly I have had a tension headache for about 2 weeks, I'm so stressed out and tired I just need to do something.

OP posts:

Sweepouttheashes · 28/09/2018 20:36

Op you were very young when you got together. You have grown and changed and are ready for something else now. That is absolutely ok.
Re the logistics of breaking up. Thinking about it is overwhelming, but if you break it into chunks (search for accomodation, pack belongings, book moving truck, arrange utilities) it is actually just a series of logical steps and is quite doable. It is maybe a month of upheaval and then you are done.

Ohyesiam · 28/09/2018 20:42

There’s a lot between staying and going. Could you carve some space and independence within your relationship?
Holiday with friends,time away from the family weekly, your own space within the house?
It would mean re writing the rules but that’s doable.
If you aren’t telling your partner what you want and need it’s hard for there to be a Connection or intimacy, so just coming out as who you are could improve things for you.
Hope you find your way through x

Original poster

Vonvon222 · 28/09/2018 21:08

Thank you, I do get the odd night with just the teenagers at home doing their own thing . My youngest is a dream, she is the sweetest wee thing and no hassle at all. We are so very close, bit she's also close to her dad. Taking her away from that breaks my heart but on the other hand I think if we split she could go and have proper time with him. It a so bloody hard. My oldest children, all boys, get on really well with their dad too.

OP posts:

Smozzles · 28/09/2018 21:26

I think it's a plus that the children get on with their dad. I think that'll make it less acrimonious if you were to divorce. You've no safety concerns etc so in theory, if you divorce, you could co-parent quite successfully.

Original poster

Vonvon222 · 28/09/2018 22:19

Yeah Smozzles I think that's a good thing too. I just need to find the courage....

OP posts:

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 28/09/2018 22:40

You need to just get the whole conversation over and done with. You dont love him, dont fancy him, dont want to be with him, dont want to grow old with him.

Smozzles · 28/09/2018 22:40

Take it in baby steps .

That courage is within. You just need to access it. You have done Nothing wrong.

Sweepouttheashes · 29/09/2018 08:05

If you are feeling guilt you can look at it was maybe best for him too, eg if you want the best for him that would include him having the chance to be with someone who is 100% in to him, and by not having that talk you are holding him back from that. Just another way of looking at it maybe?

safetyfreak · 29/09/2018 08:43

I think you just need have an honest chat with your husband. Life too short.

sparklyandgorgeousme · 29/09/2018 08:58

Hi I felt this way a while ago but my
Close friend made me
Have a think and I'm not saying this will be the same but I think you need to write a list ld what is wrong with your life ?

You the need to decide if these are down to you or your husband and either way then speak to him and see if changes can me made

For instance you say you want to find yourself

Do you have a job
Friends
Hobbies

Then ask yourself if this is down to your husband and decide would you be happier still in this marriage with changes made ?!

If it is just your husband then maybe you need to end the marriage but can you honestly say you have tried

Telling him you are unhappy
About everything is a bit Vague and frankly unfair on him

HevL2 · 07/09/2019 08:40

Vonvon222. I read this last night and it made me burst into tears. This is where I am right now. I know this was a year ago but would love to know how you are doing now. Did you have the chat, leave?
I can't afford to leave, I have no relatives around me who I can stay with. My eldest will be sitting her exams soon so not a great time to sell the house. I feel completely trapped. It's agonising.

Rockos · 08/09/2019 19:37

You get one life! You don’t have to live in a prison sentence. If somebody told you, you had cancer and had 6 months left to live (which happened to a 30 year old friend of mine) what would you want to do with that time? Dont waste your life being unhappy. You worry about taking your 10 year old away from her dad. It doesn’t work like that anymore. It’s the modern age. Custody will be shared. She can see loads of him. There’s Skype and FaceTime and mobile phones. People that live overseas can even keep in contact with loved ones. That’s really not a factor in this. She’ll be a teenager in a few years...she’ll be able to make her own decisions about who she sees and when. Time to put your happiness first for a change. If you want to be on your own, go be on your own. You don’t need a reason. You get to decide what you want and go get it. You aren’t a slave. It’s ok to want to split.

Pinkbonbon · 08/09/2019 19:43

Could you go away yourself for a week or two. Just say what you've told us, that you've never really been on your own and want to experience it. A few weeks away travelling will either make you realise what you miss or cement in your mind that you do indeed want to separate.

AnnaNimmity · 08/09/2019 20:02

I had a similar situation - we were together years and just fell out of love. We let it drag on too long though, and everyone suffered.

You can end a marriage because you've grown out of each other, or you no longer love your partner. It doesn't destroy the children (likely you staying wtih your partner and being miserable would do more damage) - they can be happy and well adjusted. And tbh it doesn't sound healthy that you say he's looked after you.

I love being on my own.

NJ29 · 06/10/2019 22:06

I feel the same but I think deep down we have made our decision and maybe we are just looking for someone to say it’s ok! I found this thread by googling ‘is it ok to want to be on my own?’ And you clearly feel the same as me but like me not sure how to deal with it. Good luck in whatever you choose x

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