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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do I behave so badly

29 replies

ChampagneBreakfast · 27/09/2018 19:40

From the outside, I dread what people think.

I dress well, I look good, people tell me I am good looking, but I drink far too much, I get drunk. I sleep with people. I hope it is a secret, but it probably isn't. In the last month, I slept with about 7 guys. One offs. Some I have seen again. Most are married.

What the FUCK am I doing.

I have taken myself away for a week, as my behaviour has got out of control. I haven't had a drink in 5 days (the longest ever, since I was 16).

My daughter is at boarding school so doesn't see my behaviour, but treats me like shit.

I got divorced 5 years ago. I still can't talk about it, otherwise I cry.

I lost my job 3 months ago.

I am half heartedly looking for another.

I need to grow the fk up and stop sleeping around. I am ashamed of the drunken me.

OP posts:
Rainbowtrain · 27/09/2018 19:51

Don’t be ashamed, I think there is quite a lot going on. Can you find some counselling? It really helped me pick my issues from a huge mess of entangled chaos.

I think start with not drinking, not easy!
Nothing wrong with safe sex, but I wonder why married men. You also say “people think I am good looking” and emphasize that.
Do you think self esteem is were it should be?

Be kind to yourself OP

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 27/09/2018 19:58

I think counselling/therapy would be a really good idea to help you understand yourself better.

dirtybadger · 27/09/2018 20:04

Have you seen the GP or accessed any services with regard to your drinking?

There is no shame in "sleeping around". Lots of people do. In your case it sounds like you are not doing it for the right reasons (esp. in context of heavy/frequent drinking?). But feeling any shame or guilt about the sexual stuff won't help.

Speak to your GP and see who they may be able to set you up with to support your alcoholism.

I have been where you are re: shame about drunken sex/sexual encounters. But I didn't do anything to anyone who hadn't consented. And the shame I felt for some events should have been with the men not myself!!!

Some bad experiences did wake me up to stop drinking and taking drugs like I used to (fortunately it was just about infrequently enough that nothing had developed into an addiction although it was problematic).

Give yourself a break from your own judgment, and seek professional help. You've done awesome to go 5 days. Get into good habits.

dirtybadger · 27/09/2018 20:06

I did miss the married man part. My comments still stand. You sound like you're in a very difficult space. It's obviously not ideal, but those men should be feeling most of the shame you are feeling.

What2doH2 · 27/09/2018 20:19

You sound like you are still hurting from your divorce and it is ok Smile
You have done the right thing taking your self away as a good clear head space is what you need to try and evaluate what you need and and how you wanna be.
Have you spoken to a doctor and how they can help you or mayb direct you in the right direction.
Your hurting yourself as well as other people by sleeping with married men.
Just remember it's ok not to be ok and there are lots of people out there to help.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2018 20:21

Feelings of shame will only drive you back to drinking. You have acknowledged that you have a problem and that is the single most import step to changing your life and behaviours. You are not a bad person. You are a sad person who needs help. I suggest going to an AA meeting as soon as humanly possible, even if you're not crazy about the idea. Being among others who share your struggle can be very empowering. Right now you probably feel very alone in all this, but group therapy will show you that just isn't true. You have already gone 5 days without drinking which is a MASSIVE achievement. You should be very proud of this, and it proves you are far stronger than you think you are.

BackInTheRoom · 28/09/2018 00:03

Sounds like Self Destructive Behaviour? Have you thought about Therapy?

Omgoap · 29/09/2018 22:24

How are you feeling today?

safetyfreak · 29/09/2018 22:32

If you can afford it, counselling would be a good step for you.

Why does your daughter treat you badly?

HollowTalk · 29/09/2018 22:34

How are you keeping in touch with your daughter? It really hurts when they're horrible to you - that must make you feel awful.

Doghorsechicken · 29/09/2018 22:38

Sleeping around isn’t the problem, it’s sleeping with married men that is. I know it takes 2 to tango but there’s plenty of single people out there... at least you’re not breaking anyone’s hearts that way.

Fucksgiven · 29/09/2018 22:41

You sound like you are hitting rock bottom and have to aďress this. Could you try to reach out to AA?

Daffodils78 · 29/09/2018 22:43

Do you know what??? We all have our coping strategies, Hun, but if it's at the expense of others and your own piece of mind? You need to get some help. Counselling is amazing, helped me to face up to the woman in the mirror so to speak, and take responsibility for my behaviour whilst also realising the Root causes were not always to do with me at all. I got to go through anger, fear, sadness, despair, grief, resentment, self deceit and eventually hope, happiness, strength and wisdom. The right counsellor can help you through.
Also, if you are "half heartedly" job searching have you considered a change of path? It's never too late to learn, study, go for something different or start your own business, and getting you're teeth into a challenge may help divert you from negative behaviours. Ps. If it's really bad with the drinking, it may be worth considering accessing an alcohol/substance misuse service or rehab even? I know people who swear by AA, also, it's not for everyone but does help you access an alternative friendship group and a self help programme. If none of that helps, you may need to be under the care of your psychiatric team as drinking etc. could be masking deeper psychologic issues, such as anxiety, depression, or even bipolar, the best of luck Hun. It sounds like you've had the wake up call you needed. Xx

Nightwatch999 · 30/09/2018 02:56

I would resent you as well if my mum palmed me off at Boarding School just so she could shag about, get pissed and fuck off on holiday! Hmm

AcrossthePond55 · 30/09/2018 03:36

I think you need to try AA and get a good counselor. It's clear that you're struggling, but no one needs to struggle alone.

Angelf1sh · 30/09/2018 07:34

I think you need to start by recognising you’re an alcoholic. Once you accept that you can start to treat the addiction. Google AA and find a local meeting. It sounds like a lot of your problems are directly related to your drinking. AAcan help you get that under control.

Ledkr · 30/09/2018 08:32

nightwatch how helpful Hmm

springydaff · 30/09/2018 08:46

AA is amazing. Go there and just listen. You will hear your story over and over again from people who no longer drink and lead calm and abstinent lives they are proud of. You are far from the only one. There is a solution Flowers

user14869556378 · 30/09/2018 10:34

If something doesn't make you feel good, don't do it. Sounds like drinking and the sex don't make you feel good or happy, so stop it. What makes you happy???

bigfootfred · 30/09/2018 10:46

I second everyone saying get some help & I am pleased everyone is being kind too you it takes guts to admit you are struggling in this way

Maybe you are trying to find d acceptance by sleeping around cause you feel wanted?
Sucks your daughter being mean maybe she is also struggling after the divorce try talking to her or ask school about therapy for her?

There are charities that do counselling for people who can't afford it & I also recently had some telephone counselling that was helpful.

There is a course called divorce recovery which might help come to terms with your divorce & get to a better place for yourself.

Sending big hugs take one day at any time & try not to beat yourself up

Daffodils78 · 30/09/2018 17:57

Just reinstating here AA is brilliant and works wonderfully for some people but it is not by any means the only way. It also doesn't work for many people but they still find a route to recovery. I think the AA doctrine can actually make some people worse, tbh, as it's very evangelical and absolute, whereas recovery doesn't have to be.

springydaff · 30/09/2018 22:14

Absolutely Daffodil but AA is a start - and often a finish - and beats isolation and self-loathing any day.

Also very easily accessible. And free.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2018 22:20

If you're unemployed and living alone where are you going to get drunk and meet these men op? Do,you go with someone? And how long has this been going on?

Original poster
Champagnebreakfast · 01/10/2018 19:59

Believe it or not, I have just stopped drinking. I went away for a week, out of my normal environment. I was in the pub today for lunch, had a Diet Coke. Left sober after lunch. Didn't stay for the afternoon/evening drinking session.

OP posts:
Talith · 01/10/2018 20:04

Focus on the alcoholism. Seek proper support. Rehab if you can afford it (perhaps that is where you are.)

Everything is easier to manage without booze clouding our decisions and feelings.

You're not a bad person and you can be happier and more secure than you are.