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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend on Holiday and I’m frantic with anxiety

30 replies

What2doH2 · 27/09/2018 16:00

Hi
My fiancé has gone away for 5 nights for his friends birthday and I only found out that 2 other girlfriends was going on holiday with them 7 days before they was going I confronted him and he denied knowing this which I’m not sure if it is true or not. It upset me I was not invited and it was hid from me for months.
My partner cheated on me 3 years ago he slept with the same women twice we stayed together as we have 2 children (twins) we have come far and I have never found another reason not to trust him but at the back of my mind it’s killing me that he has gone away I can’t stop crying and I have this horrible feeling in my chest I’ve been carrying around.
This is the first hole day he has been gone and I’m so sad.
He has been messaging me how much he loves me and idolises our kids.
Please help I don’t know what to do

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 27/09/2018 16:19

It's not great that you weren't invited but it depends who was organising it and there may be a reason. Did any of the other girlfriends not get invited or just you?

I think you need to distract yourself from worrying about it. Can you see some friends or family? If he's going to cheat again then he will but it doesn't sound like he's going to from what you've said. If you made the decision to stay together and trust him then you have to do that

Raven88 · 27/09/2018 16:25

Maybe the other GFs insisted on going. You need to get over the betrayal or it's going to destroy your relationship.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 27/09/2018 16:26

So he's gone on holiday with a male friend and two women?

ciderhouserules · 27/09/2018 16:42

See, this is why I think a relationship with a cheater can never work. You will never trust him again - he may not have given you any reason to doubt him since then, but trust can never be rebuilt totally. His protestations of 'love' and 'idolising the kids' mean absolutely zero, when his actions were the opposite.

And that's why I would never want to be in your situation - driving yourself mad thinking about it. I'd have broken it off straight after the affair, kids or no.

It's not too late. If you wanted to, you could find someone who would not and never has cheated on you.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 27/09/2018 16:53

To be honest I'd be more concerned if the other girlfriends weren't going. I find men like that behave themselves more when it's not just the lads.

Original poster

What2doH2 · 27/09/2018 17:49

It's around 8 boys 2 girlfriends and one of the boys sisters.
His affair had affected me a lot but we have rebuilt our relationship to a far much better one.
Being alone with the kids 24hours a day alone and out of routine the kids don't like and are getting upset about.
I think I believe he won't ever cheat on me again I don't actually know the reason why Im suffering with so much anxiety over this.
I really miss him and can't stop thinking about him.
Thank you for all your advise

OP posts:

Bellabutterfly2016 · 27/09/2018 18:10

I'm sorry but I've been in this position myself
You have to be honest with yourself and ask why he didn't want you to Go on holiday with them?

My ex ex did this and it was just an opportunity to party and cheat, people tried to tell me at the time but I wasn't for listening

You must surely be wondering about his intentions here? I know now, I'd be if it was me.

My partner just wouldn't do this, we're a family if we go on holiday, it's together.

I think you deserve better and if you're honest you know you do - sending big hugs

Original poster

What2doH2 · 27/09/2018 18:26

Lots of people around me don't think he would ever cheat again as he is a different man with lots to loose.
We do loads together as a family including family holidays abroad he just says he would like 1 break away a year with his friends.
I dont think he would have the guts to cheat again but then lots of people on here think he will I'm not sure what to think.
How do I cope with anxiety?
What do I say when he calls and messages as I'm like a mixed personality I say love you one minute then I hate you the next.

OP posts:

Santaclarita · 27/09/2018 18:33

You aren't over his affair. If you were, you wouldn't be worrying. You have every right to worry though, he betrayed you. Do you really want to stay with someone who can do that? You'll forever be worried when he goes away without you. Don't live like that. You deserve better.

Thatstheendofmytether · 27/09/2018 18:33

Your anxiety is all down to the fact you think he will cheat again. Your head might be saying he wouldn't because he has so much to lose and he knows the effect it had last time, but it will always be in the back of your mind that he is capable of doing it. I would be exactly the same as you. I think it's quite bad of him to not have told you there were other women going on this holiday. Do you get a holiday with your friends?

Changedname3456 · 27/09/2018 18:33

Do YOU get one week away per year with your mates? I’d organise one, making sure a couple of the boyfriends went along, and leave him with your twins for the week. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t take many of those before he stopped with that load of BS.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/09/2018 18:38

Lots of people around me don't think he would ever cheat again as he is a different man with lots to loose.

It stands out that you say this; followed by that lots of people here tell you that he would. For a start, he has the same to lose that he had then - and he risked it then. But more importantly; it doesn't matter what we think or what your friends think or anyone else - there's plenty of affairs that come out and stun people; nobody could of believed it of them. It's what you believe that matters.

From your anxiety; it seems either that you haven't got over his affair yet (and some people never do, some people just can't forgive them) or that you don't believe him. Either way you can't go on like this. Is he away for four more days? I'd plan a lot to do to keep you busy this weekend; and absolutely minimise contact with him. If you push him from your mind, you will eventually think about him less and you'll get through the next few days a lot easier.

Dimael · 27/09/2018 18:39

Maybe you weren’t invited because of the children. I mean both of you couldn’t have gone away and left the children with grandparents for 5 days! So I don’t think anything suspect is up. Usually if other women are there men will behave themselves a bit more anyway.
You might be best trying to get a handle of the trust issues though because it will eat you up this week while he is away. I have been there and I know the pain. Keep occupied, treat yourself and know that time will pass and he will be home soon.

Original poster

What2doH2 · 27/09/2018 18:39

Last year I went away with 3 friends for the weekend to Spain he was please that I took the step to do that and relax and he took care of the children. He is a brilliant dad.
I can't get my head around if my anxiety is because deep down I think he will cheat or if it is because I don't want him away and I'm scared to be alone?
He swears to anything he didn't know about the other girlfriends going but who knows

OP posts:

Original poster

What2doH2 · 27/09/2018 18:44

I can't push him from my mind he is constantly there no matter what I do

OP posts:

AnoukSpirit · 27/09/2018 18:58

If you want my honest opinion, none of this sounds like you're "scared to be alone". It very much sounds like you're worried what he might do, hurt about all the secrecy around it, and know in your gut that you can't ever be 100% sure he won't betray you again.

The only part where "maybe I'm just scared to be alone" seems to be kicking in is where you desperately try to convince yourself that you do trust him and he would never do anything, and therefore need to find a different explanation for your feelings.

You commented on swinging from "I love you" to "I hate you" rapidly. Is that new / specific to this situation, or are you normally like that?

It always worries me when people are having to work so hard to find alternative explanations for how they are feeling besides the blindingly obvious, most sensible and logical one.

I have this horrible feeling in my chest I’ve been carrying around.

Is that feeling loneliness or is it not? Is it more impending doom/betrayal? Is it the same feeling you had after finding out he'd cheated?

Our bodies can communicate things to us that our minds aren't ready to accept yet.

Original poster

What2doH2 · 27/09/2018 19:53

I feel the happiest when around my partner he is my best friend my go to with any problem I feel complete when I'm with my partner and children.
There is a crack somewhere along the line I can clearly see that myself is it that I am not over him cheating or is it that I'm Selfish and don't want him to leave me.
We both need time for our friends and head space I just hate him having it I want to spend all my time with him.
I just feel so confused

OP posts:

Original poster

What2doH2 · 27/09/2018 19:55

I think about him 24/7 and I need to clear my head but how?
I am spending time with my sister and her 4 children but I still think about him
I am going for dinner and drinks with work friend tomo night but I don't feel like going now.

OP posts:

BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/09/2018 12:15

How old are you, out of interest

Original poster

What2doH2 · 28/09/2018 14:15

@BigSandyBalls2015 I am 28 why? I have been with him since I was 17.

OP posts:

BackInTheRoom · 28/09/2018 14:26

I'd be looking for a relationship where both people were equal and stand on their own two feet. . Yours doesn't sound equal because your happiness seems very much dependent on him?

I can't imagine him and his mates having a conversation about the holiday with no mention of these girlfriends coming can you?

The sad fact is that you don't trust him now so it seems pointless you trying to get the truth. You're simply not going to believe him are you?

hellsbellsmelons · 28/09/2018 14:35

No adult is responsible for another adults happiness.
You control your own happiness.
Have you spoken with your GP about the anxiety or is this a new thing?
You don't own him.
You both have to have your own lives as well.
Please do go out tonight.
If you do suffer from anxiety and have no medication then please speak with your GP asap.

Original poster

What2doH2 · 28/09/2018 14:39

@BackInTheRoom
I think it's a lot to do with my trust issues and his silly white lies.
I don't know if he knew or not because when I asked him he did look confused.
Do I throw away 11 years together after trying for 3 and moving into a new home and having a new baby?

OP posts:

PaleRider1 · 28/09/2018 14:59

Hmm, this isn't a healthy relationship or a healthy way to live your life.

You clearly do not trust him (and you have good reason not to) but in all honesty, once the trust has gone then so has the relationship.

Do not confuse love with dependency / being besotted by him / thinking life wont be the same if you split.

BackInTheRoom · 28/09/2018 15:43

'Do I throw away 11 years together...'

But he was happy to gamble your relationship when he cheated?

Only you can decide this whether to stay or go.

Say he hadn't cheated 3 years ago, how would you feel about this holiday scenario? For me, I'd have felt left out and felt that he didn't want me to come?

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