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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend on Holiday and I’m frantic with anxiety

30 replies

What2doH2 · 27/09/2018 16:00

Hi
My fiancé has gone away for 5 nights for his friends birthday and I only found out that 2 other girlfriends was going on holiday with them 7 days before they was going I confronted him and he denied knowing this which I’m not sure if it is true or not. It upset me I was not invited and it was hid from me for months.
My partner cheated on me 3 years ago he slept with the same women twice we stayed together as we have 2 children (twins) we have come far and I have never found another reason not to trust him but at the back of my mind it’s killing me that he has gone away I can’t stop crying and I have this horrible feeling in my chest I’ve been carrying around.
This is the first hole day he has been gone and I’m so sad.
He has been messaging me how much he loves me and idolises our kids.
Please help I don’t know what to do

OP posts:

GraceMarks · 28/09/2018 15:58

You sound awfully dependent on him and it seems like he's the one who holds all the cards in your relationship. That creates a power imbalance, whuch in my view isn't very healthy. Can I ask you, if you were the one going away without him, do you think he would spend the week sitting at home in absolute bits because he couldn't bear to be away from you? And how would you feel about it if he did?

ciderhouserules · 28/09/2018 18:35

I think I believe he won't ever cheat on me again I don't actually know the reason why Im suffering with so much anxiety over this. - you think... you believe.... I don't actually know why...

Actually you do know why. He is a cheater. He broke your trust, and that is why you can't trust him!

Stop doing to yourself. He might have 'too much to lose' but that never stopped anyone and he lies; you said yourself his little' silly white lies'.

You are not over his cheating. And why should you be? He's a cheat. Again, I would have chucked him the minute I found out - I couldn't handle all the wondering, worrying, obsessing, in the future.

You are making yourself ill, wondering, obsessing, thinking about him all the time. You are giving him ALL the power in your relationship, and that it not good for your self-esteem.

TatianaLarina · 28/09/2018 18:43

I think this is a natural consequence of his having cheated. You can forgive and paper over the cracks but you can’t quite forget - which is fair enough - you’d be very naive if you did.

These feelings are normal after adultery and they may persist for some time.

TatianaLarina · 28/09/2018 18:45

Can I ask you, if you were the one going away without him, do you think he would spend the week sitting at home in absolute bits because he couldn't bear to be away from you?

She hasn’t cheated so there’s no comparison.

RangeRider · 28/09/2018 18:49

For all you know the 2 GFs invited themselves at the last minute because they couldn't cope with their OHs going without them, and actually all the blokes are thinking 'FFS, this was supposed to be a boozy lads' holiday'. It wasn't practical for you to go anyway & if there are women there then that reduces any chance of the rest of them getting up to anything. So I wouldn't be worrying.

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