Please help. Pregnant and partner messaging another woman

[psidontloveyou]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years and I always thought we had a solid relationship. He has never given me any reason to doubt him, he has always been fantastic to me and I have never doubted his love for me until now.

He has two Facebook accounts - one personal and one for his business. I had a hunch a couple of days ago that something wasn’t quite right as he started to act a bit paranoid and worried I was cheating (I’m not). Please don’t judge me but I logged into his Facebook messenger for his business account (don’t know his password for his personal one) and I found that a month ago he had messaged a girl. It was an innocuous message that just said hey trouble how are you? She didn’t reply. However I’ve also seen he’s got the secret messages function turned on.

The thing is, there are messages on there between the two of them from four years ago when he was with his ex girlfriend. In the messages he is asking her to come round but this girl tells him to leave her alone as she knows he has a girlfriend. His reply was ‘that’s never stopped you in the past’ so obviously he cheated on his ex.

I’m 8 weeks pregnant and in a bit of a mess. My gut is telling me to walk but I don’t know if I’m over reacting. There’s no sign that he cheated but it looks like the intent could have been there. He always tells me he’s not so much as looked at another woman since he’s been with me but clearly that’s not true. Also I don’t want to confront him over this as I don’t want him to know that I snooped. I’m all over the place but I don’t know if it’s hormones or if what he’s done is unforgivable.

Depends on your bar, I'd be dumping him, he's only not cheated because she refused him so full intent to cheat on you and whilst pregnant making it even more nasty; I'd also tell him I snooped as you clearly do not trust him and with good reason, what an absolute creep, he's obviously been like this for years.

Thank you for replying. Gosh I feel so sick. I really can’t stay with someone who behaves like this, I just can’t trust him now.

One of the worst things is knowing he cheated on his ex too. He gave me a cock and bull story about how she left him for another man and that he had been the perfect boyfriend to her. What a scumbag.

OP - why are you having a child with a boyfriend of 2 years?

Read this and don’t be this woman a few years down the road. And this is just a today’s post. They appear weekly....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3377742-Planned-2nd-pregnancy-partner-left

If I'm reading this correctly then at the moment all he's done is message something relatively innocent to a woman he used to sleep with (pre your relationship)?

The other messages you saw with the intention to more openly cheat were when he was with a previous girlfriend?

I think just sending a message saying hello to someone be has previously slept with isn't proof that he's already cheating or is even intending to cheat, of course he might be intending to but that message doesn't necessarily suggest that he is.

I think maybe you need to make it very clear to him though where your boundaries lie. That you will not accept infidelity of any kind at all in any relationship you have. Whether or not you tell him about looking on his Facebook is not something I'm sure you want to tell him about as it really is a massive invasion of his privacy. I wouldn't be happy if my partner snooped and looked at mine, even though I have nothing to hide.

mmm We’re both late thirties, moved in together after a year and had what I thought was a solid relationship. I honestly didn’t have an inkling that he would turn out to be like this. As we are both nearing forty we decided a few months ago to try for a baby. Again, I only did this as I thought I was in a secure and loving relationship. This revelation about the other woman has blindsided me.

Redorbedead yes you are absolutely correct. I saw one message to someone he used to sleep with. The other ones were sent when he was with his ex girlfriend.

I do feel awful about snooping and I know that’s not on.

I just feel so confused right now.

Redorbedead, either someone has done a number on you, you have a very low bar or you’re very naive. So he could just be randomly reaching out to his previous OW totally platonically and with no intent other than starting an innocent friendship (because she clearly was a fuck buddy not a friend in the past)? Do you really believe that is possible?

OP the only thing you are confused about is how he’s turned out to be someone different to who you thought he was.

You’re not confused about who he actually is any more, you now know. And I think you also know how this goes no matter what choice you make about it. I’m sorry but you’re going to have to face up to this be brave because burying it ends very badly for you.

Sorry to keep rambling on but it’s helping to have somewhere to vent. The fact he has secret conversations activated on Facebook messenger also suggests he is speaking to either her, other women or both. I have no way of knowing who he’s messaging as the nature of secret FB messages means only he sees them.

This is such a mess

hideandgo you are absolutely right. Do I tell him I’ve snooped or shall I just go ahead and end it saying things aren’t working out?

MMmomDD
OP - why are you having a child with a boyfriend of 2 years?

are you for real? Get off your high horse.

He has form, it's the same woman he cheated on with his gf; deja vu comes to mind; nothing innocent about turning on secret messaging either, the intent is definitely there or why else would he be messaging her in the first place. He may not have cheated but he's definitely opening up the conversation with an ex fuck buddy; for what, to meet for a coffee, highly doubt it.

Redorbedead, either someone has done a number on you, you have a very low bar or you’re very naive.

I don't honestly think I am any of those things. I absolutely would not accept my partner cheating on me, but I also think it's pretty irresponsible to advise someone who is 8 weeks pregnant to end a relationship on the basis of one outwardly innocent message to someone he had a history with.

I'm not for one second suggesting that there definitely isn't something more going on between them, all I'm saying is that that message in itself isn't very damning.

OP - ok, it makes sense given your age.
Although - no one knows each other after only two years....
And - the only signal that you are in a loving and committed relationship would have been him/you saying - let’s get married and then have a child.

So - this is your chance of motherhood and I think you need to be pragmatic.
For me - the message on its own - especially given that there wasn’t any response or follow up - is a warning sign, not a LTB situation.
And he fact that he didn’t tell him about past cheating - well - most people are ashamed of something and aren’t 100% open about their past.
So - if I were you i’d watch and be on guard.

And in parallel - i’d make sure that you having a baby isn’t undermining your career. Until he is ready to actually commit and give his child and you financial protection of the marriage - don’t quit work or make any sacrifices. Insist he takes paternity leave, just like you, etc.

I do hope it’s a false alarm and you manage to get through this.

My secret messages is up there in blue and I don’t use it! I think it may be it’s activated automatically?

@MMmomDD I find those 'why are you having a baby with a boyfriend of 2 years?' posts ridiculous and unhelpful. OP came on to ask about the situation she's in - she can't wave a wand and undo what has happened!

OP my heart goes out to you. You're in a difficult position with the knowledge you now have. I'm a single mother (didn't wait the approved 3/4/6/whatever years for pregnancy but it was a contraception fail) and it's tough but ther3 are brilliant elements to it too when I think about being in a relationship that caused me a lot of stress. My ex was also paranoid about me cheating when I wasn't. Amazingly he was also the perfect partner to his ex!

OP I’m afraid you have to own what you’ve done just as he has to own what he’s done. So tell him straight you felt something was not right and you snooped on him. And thank god you did because now you know and you’d like him to leave. He will likely say all manner of things (accusing you, minimising, swearing he was only messaging to say hi) but you’ve not done much wrong and I don’t thing you need to be ashamed. For you and your child you needed to know and he would never have told you the truth. If there’d been nothing to find nothing would have happened after your snooping and everyone could have continued happily on.

@Hospitaldramafamily

The ‘why baby with someone you don’t really know’, or in other frequent situations ‘with someone who isn’t mature or fully committed financially, ie through marriage’ - these comments arent ridiculous.
Way too many women seem to be in those situations.

It’s a risk to have get pregnant to someone you don’t know that well, or someone who wants a baby but can’t commit to marriage. One can hope for the best, but if the prince turns out to be a frog - what’s the point of complaining?

@MMmomDD but the situation already exists so the OP has to deal with the matter at hand. She cant apply a retrospective solution. Nobody has a crystal ball - you also see plenty of posts from women who have been with their partners 10/15/20 years and are facing devastating situations they never would have anticipated.

I just don't think that asking someone to justify a choice already made is helpful when they are looking for support on how to go forward, not back

I agree, what's the point of asking why the OP decided to have a baby with her boyfriend? It's happened now, she's looking for advice on how to handle her situation now. It's as if you're looking to kick her when she's down, @MMmomDD how do your posts actually help the OP? Or are you just trying to make her feel like crap?

I wouldnt ask him about that message. I dont know your bf of course, but most likely youll get an answer like "It was nothing. I just asked how is she. Blahblah". Didnt hear yet about the man, who would say "I texted to my ex because I wanted to get laid with her. Got nostalgic about her blowjobs"...)))

And he didnt tell you that he was cheating on his ex gf because usually people are not proud of that, so they withhold such things.

Anyway, if you feel like its not for you, better finish with him now, not when youll have a baby, get married, and will be pregnant again. I figured out that my H was like a dog when he was single and that he was cheating on his ex all the time. But I figured out that when we already were married and have a son. I dont judge him (much), but Im not happy that a man with whom I tied my life is such a phony person.

Good god! She's 8 weeks pregnant and she doesn't think he's cheated and people are telling her to leave. It's just one innocuous message. No reply.

Her hormones are in overdrive. Men get funny moods when there's a baby on the way, too. There's a lot of mental adjustment going on and it's scary. I swear my DH had morning sickness. Perhaps he wanted to tell 'trouble' he was going to be a Dad.

She's going to have a baby whether they're together or not. Or are people suggesting she terminates? She's not talking about whether to get married or not. No need to make any rash decisions or have a show-down. It's the worst possible time to make any decision that isn't strictly necessary.

See how it goes. Have a talk. Get him to open up about his feelings about the pregnancy. You're feeling insecure, because you're newly pregnant and vulnerable. This is making you paranoid. Don't accuse him of cheating till you've got a lot more reasons to be suspicious. Time will tell, but try to park it for now and focus on your pregnancy.

Hello Trouble is what I would consider a flirty message. Especially if the only other times they have communicated was when he was looking to cheat.

Luckily it sounds like she isn't interested. Presumably she hasn't replied.

I would be worried about his intentions when he sent the message. Why now? What purpose?

Look for more proof.

Accusing you of cheating is part of the cheater's 'script'. Read up about that too and see if anything else rings a bell.

Switching on secret nessages could be innocent but it's also a sign of an experienced cheater.

Whatever - something is amiss. He's developed a mistrust of you and you of him. If he isn't cheating (sceptical) what's the reason? It's not the secure relationship you thought you were in.

In your shoes I would give myself a week to watch and assess the relationship and then turn my.mind towards making a decision about the prrgnancy.

So sorry for you OP

You're absolutely right, @Thymeout it's ridiculous to suggest that the OP should leave her DP on the basis of this one message. But this is Mumsnet, where posters advise OPs to LTB for the most trivial of reasons.