I'm horrible and I snooped my boyfriends phone.

[Rezrex]

I'm a curious person. Since I was a kid I went through every christman present, listened to others on public transport and love to hear gossip.

I snooped my boyfriend phone this morning. The phone has been tempting me a few days, but I've ignored it since snooping is wrong. He was having breakfast when his alarm went off and I had to turn it off. And I took a look. I feel terrible. But I also found something.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years. We are in a crossroads and need to make decisions regarding moving, marriage, kids so big topics. The moving and location especially has been a hot topic. I couldn't shake off this feeling that he wasn't being honest with me about his opinion on the move. He has also been stressed at work and my friends wedding was coming up. I knew he didn't feel up for it and I pressured him to attend. I didn't force him, but kinda said "we should go" instead of asking if he wants to go. I knew he wanted me to say that he can stay at home, but I was being stubborn about attending solo.

I know he tells his best friend everything. As I had the phone in my hand, I looked at what he wrote at his best friend. Turns out that he is really unsure about moving and he is also really upset how selfish and conrolling I was about the wedding and don't understand his needs. He also expressed uncertanty about our relationship due to the moving thing and he is worried about not being with me and also he is scared of ending up alone. I have the same insecurities and have brought them up, and he has always said how he knows I'm "the one". So he feels the same as I do, but just doesn't share it?

The part that pissed me off the most was the "laddish" way he talked about me to his friend. I'm now getting over it since these two do "lad" thing as a joke, so I doubt he meant it in that specific way. These messages were exchanged within the last 2 weeks and the day before he was looking for houses in the new area to buy without prompting. I wish he would have talked to me, but I'm also worried that his feelings are all over the place that he wrote the messages while being emotional and has changed his mind but I still can't shake off these feelings.

Yes, I know what I did was wrong. I would be f-ing pissed if it was the other way around. I was planning on talking to him about my doubts today anyway but now I'm not sure wether to just admit it or have the conversation without saying that I snooped since I already had a gut feeling about this.

There seems to be a massive trust issue between you both.

I wouldn't admit snooping unless you're prepared for him to be really pissed off.

You say you're at a crossroads... why do you need to move? If he's unsure about it, you risk him becoming resentful if you push it.

If you're also having your own doubts and fears, maybe it's not to be.

Hey Rezrex. Bad move. Snooping never ends well. Perhaps best to learn this lesson. Don't snoop again, and bear in mind that he never in a million years meant for you to see how he was conversing with his friend. None of your business.

Go out for dinner and discuss the move, without bringing up the fact that you've been spying, and see what happens. At least you now know about his concerns so you can approach the subject sensitively.

Mutual trust, respect and support is the foundation of a good relationship. Once that's gone, you're on a hiding to nothing.

Sounds like he needs to be rid of you. You clearly have boundary issues and forcing him to go to an event against his will is wrong. Sounds to me as if you're trying to turn the wedding screws on him by forcing him to attend. Tell him you snooped through his phone then see what he thinks of you....but I bet you wont!

You didn't have a gut instinct about the phone - you just wanted to snoop.

Can't see that anything he did is more than him chatting over vague concerns with his friend - do you never tell your friends worries/annoyances about your partner that you don't necessarily want to share with them?

I wouldn't stay with a partner who was snooping, so if you want to stay with him I think you can't tell him. But will you be able to resist doing it again? I suspect you won't.

rolls eyes..*@movingforward!

Come on she didn't hold him at gun point to the wedding! Could of come from a nice place ie him being stressed at work and wanting him to have fun

As for discussions regarding houses etc... everyone gets to that point in life where we want to know where its going.
I suggest questioning him and saying how do you feel I sense something. you could own up to the snoop but it wont go very well as trust has been broken.

Op if he doesn't want to attend the wedding tell him it's ok for him to stay home, come on, you are a grown woman you can attend alone,

Also if he isn't sure about moving and neither are you, then you should postpone the move.

If you are having uncertainty in relationship then both of you need to take a step back from whatever is putting stress and pressure on the relationship....and spend more time doing things your first did when you first started dating (meaning do the things together that you first did that attracted you to each other and made you fall in love...e.g go for a romantic meal together, see a romantic movie,..write each other a romantic note and hide it in pocket for the other to find later in the day...in other words if you want the relationship to work you both have to work at it..

I'm normally one that would suggest telling the truth but in this event don't tell him or anyone else that you looked through his phone...if he is unsure about the relationship then this could be the thing that tips the scales into him dumping you....keep it to yourself and never do it again

Look guys, I totally understand that snooping is wrong. I would totally not be happpy if my bf did this. But honestly, if I knew I was not being honest then I couldn't be too upset. If it was all the time then I would have a huge issue. But I totally agree it was invasion of privacy and should not have been done. I won't do it again and I will communicate better. I just felt insecure that I wasn't getting the answers.

I totally understand sharing things with friends. It's not an issue at all. I do the same and I'm glad he is doing it. My issue is that he hasn't shared any of this with me. He has infact told me the opposite. I'm totally fine with him having doubts. I have them. Relocating terrifies me. I worry a lot. I analyse these with my friends, but when discussing and asked, I also share these with my partner.

I know our relationship sounds like a total mess, but it is a lot more sane that it seems. When writing only about the problems makes it sound worse. The reason why this is all coming together now is that I haven't managed to find a job in this area and now I have a job offer elsewhere. Thus, not having that much time. I feel like big decisions tend to bring out all the insecurities.

Also, the wedding happened already.There was no ultimatums or threats. I just knew he wanted to cancel, but he never said it. I just decided to ignore his attempts to make me say it. If he has said he doesn't want to attend then of course he would not have had to. it was not more dramatic than that.

So, essentially you found a conversation where he confided in a friend.

You snooped.

He can't trust you and has no privacy. That's not ok. And you have the cheek to be upset.

@notaclue I'm totally admitting to snooping. I'm also feeling terrible about it. I'm also aware that I'm less trustworty now and I've learned from it. I'm not really sure about the upset part though. Sure, I might be a bit dissapointed that my bf feel like he can share his feelings but I'm not particularly upset.

I'm a curious person. Since I was a kid I went through every christman present, listened to others on public transport and love to hear gossip.
I snooped my boyfriend phone this morning. The phone has been tempting me a few days, but I've ignored it since snooping is wrong.

This is not a good trait to have op and is no excuse.

Out of all the things that happened when snooping I actually felt relieved reading what you found!

Let's forget the snooping thing.

Did he explain why he thought you were 'controlling'? Is it just the wedding?
To me it just sounds like he's scared, we all get nervous and he's obviously not sure. Also how old are you? If you've been together 7 years are are 35 then yeah, this is worrying. If you're like University couple and only in your twenties I think it's perfectly normal.

I'd have a mature discussion, explain why you love him and want to move in together, ask his ideal situation etc and make sure you're both fully in it before proceeding. I'm sure you'll be fine :)

He doesn't have to share anything if he isn't ready.

As I see it, he ultimately wants to move in. But also is having some doubts and wobbles. Totally normal. Especially given your behaviour.

I do not for a minute believe this is the first time you have invaded his privacy. Saying you are just that type of person of who doesn't give a shit about others privacy and respect. You want to look so you do.

I don't believe you haven't done this before if you are 'that type of person and can't help yourself.

Honestly if I was going out with a bloke for 7 years I would be 100% expecting him to attend my friend's wedding with me. Especially as he would probably have met that friend hundreds of times over the course of 7 years.

I don't think its controlling to assume he's going rather than ask! With a boyfriend of one year, yeah.... But not after 7 years!

Your bf is entitled to have whatever conversations with his friends he wants to. I’m amused that you got annoyed about the laddish tone of voice..... from a guy conversation.

You need to put this house business on hold while you work out what you both want. I fear that this will take the form of you pushing pushing pushing and talking his head off until he just fucks off.

It’s perfectly normal in your 20-30s to move on from what are long term and “big” relationships and it is daunting. Frankly though, the way things are now you’d not last in the long term.

I really wish you luck. And stop snooping.

That's a lot to be dealing with without the snooping to add more.

Sometimes honesty is the best way, tell him you snooped and then talk to him about what he said to his friend or reflect on what he's said and try to fix it. Snooping never brings joy
Good luck

I think you're getting a tough time on here.

Firstly, I don't see this as 'snooping'. You've been together 7 years. Maybe you had a gut feeling something was 'off'? In which case, you want to know sooner rather than later, especially if you want children. Also, remember that if you'd discovered he was cheating everyone here would be cheering you on. Instead, you've realised that he's not being as honest with you as you'd like. That's good to know.

As for the wedding, I think it's fine that you wanted him to go with you. Who wouldn't want their partner of 7 years there with them? I think it's pretty normal for people to go to weddings with their partner. I'm wondering why he didn't want to go with you?

He sounds young. (The wedding thing and over-sharing with his mate.)

I'd be concerned about why he's still sharing more with his mate than with you.

Decide what you want first. Take it from there.

All things aside, I would not be happy if my boyfriend said he didn't want to come to a wedding with me. Very childish I think

If It was me.. I wouldn't tell him what I know...but would say I wanted a break as I'm not sure of his commitment to us based on his actions (gut feeling) and think some space from each other will help.

His reaction will be telling.

Two issues - one, how he would feel about it if he knew, two, what it tells you about how you feel about it.

You are both clearly at the point where you're thinking "are we in this for the long haul, or is it time to start thinking about moving on, however painful that may be after 7 years?"

If I were him, and I were to find out a partner had snooped, it would eat away at me. Probably, looking back several years after the long, protracted and painful breakup, I'd look at the moment I found out and think "in retrospect, that was the beginning of the end." But that's me, not necessarily him.

If I were you I'd be thinking "what's going on in my subconscious that I feel the need to snoop? Something here is making me feel less than 100% and I need to get to the bottom of why I feel that way, because if I don't, and we lurch on with the status quo just because it's there, it'll end in disaster." Again, though, that's me, not you.

But I would say from looooong experience (both my own romantic cock-ups and watching friend's romantic cock-ups) when something happens, most of the time it signals the beginning of the end of the relationship. In the minority of cases where the couple limps on (and maybe even gets married) it's a recipe for a deeply unhappy marriage.

Maybe there is a 1 in a 100 case where this happens, everyone is open and honest, they re-assess, get over things, forgive each other, grow as people and it makes them stronger. But I must admit I have never seen that happen in real life.

I think the snooping is a red herring.

You need to do something about your communication styles if you're planning to be together forever. You knew he didn't want to go but he wasn't saying so? Avoidant. You need to know EVERYTHING? Intrusive. I mean I sympathise because I can't stand not being told things either, but don't imagine there is a magic key to unlock his thoughts because there isn't. I'm guessing the more he witholds the more you pry, and the more you pry the more he clams up. You both need to think how you're going to deal with this is you're in it for the long term (and I don't know the answer, sorry!).

He's just having a wobble.

The wedding stuff - you're invited to a wedding, presumably you've said you'll go months before, you go. Turning up to things with your partner even though you might not be overwhelmed with joy is just what you do in a relationship. It's not controlling to say "suck it up cupcake" and do it.

Wrt the wedding thing - am I right in my interpretation that he never actually told you he didn't want to go, but instead sulked a bit about it in the hope that you would pick up on his mood and let him off the hook? If so, then that sounds rather passive-aggressive of him. It would be a lot healthier if he had been able to say "Look, I really don't want to go to this wedding, can you go on your own or take a friend?"

But then, it sounds like he is quite an evasive person anyway. It's not at all unreasonable, if you've been with someone for 7 years, to want to make decisions about where the relationship is going and to expect that you will discuss any worries or sticking points together, as a couple. It doesn't bode well if he's having those conversations with his mate instead of with you.

The snooping is a bit of a red herring really. I think you need to have a conversation sooner rather than later and sort out why he's not wanting to move. You don't have to say how you found out about his doubts, you can just say that you can sense he isn't happy, and what can you both do to work through it?

Very poor show on your part, OP.

In the past I’ve felt the urge to snoop because there were issues that made me feel insecure and i didn’t 100% trust my partner. However I’ve never felt the slightest urge to snoop on my current DP. I trust him completely. The fact that you felt the need to snoop at all speaks volumes.