I'm horrible and I snooped my boyfriends phone.

[Rezrex]

I'm a curious person. Since I was a kid I went through every christman present, listened to others on public transport and love to hear gossip.

I snooped my boyfriend phone this morning. The phone has been tempting me a few days, but I've ignored it since snooping is wrong. He was having breakfast when his alarm went off and I had to turn it off. And I took a look. I feel terrible. But I also found something.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years. We are in a crossroads and need to make decisions regarding moving, marriage, kids so big topics. The moving and location especially has been a hot topic. I couldn't shake off this feeling that he wasn't being honest with me about his opinion on the move. He has also been stressed at work and my friends wedding was coming up. I knew he didn't feel up for it and I pressured him to attend. I didn't force him, but kinda said "we should go" instead of asking if he wants to go. I knew he wanted me to say that he can stay at home, but I was being stubborn about attending solo.

I know he tells his best friend everything. As I had the phone in my hand, I looked at what he wrote at his best friend. Turns out that he is really unsure about moving and he is also really upset how selfish and conrolling I was about the wedding and don't understand his needs. He also expressed uncertanty about our relationship due to the moving thing and he is worried about not being with me and also he is scared of ending up alone. I have the same insecurities and have brought them up, and he has always said how he knows I'm "the one". So he feels the same as I do, but just doesn't share it?

The part that pissed me off the most was the "laddish" way he talked about me to his friend. I'm now getting over it since these two do "lad" thing as a joke, so I doubt he meant it in that specific way. These messages were exchanged within the last 2 weeks and the day before he was looking for houses in the new area to buy without prompting. I wish he would have talked to me, but I'm also worried that his feelings are all over the place that he wrote the messages while being emotional and has changed his mind but I still can't shake off these feelings.

Yes, I know what I did was wrong. I would be f-ing pissed if it was the other way around. I was planning on talking to him about my doubts today anyway but now I'm not sure wether to just admit it or have the conversation without saying that I snooped since I already had a gut feeling about this.

Let's hope the bolding works. Thanks for the comments. I do think we have established that what I did was wrong. I am fully aware of it. I'm not proud of it. I feel terrible abut it.

I’m amused that you got annoyed about the laddish tone of voice
It was more of the chosen terminology on how I was described. But it is true, it was not meant for my eyes so can't complain.

I don't believe you haven't done this before if you are 'that type of person and can't help yourself.
You don't have to believe, but I haven't done this before. Yes, I am curious. But I'm happy to hear gossip, but I don't tell it forward. I also keep secrets. I hate suprises so I try to guess the presents. I don't go out of my way to overhear, but if I do then I will listen. I'm happy to know things but I have no interest to cause damage to anyone by sharing about others.

He doesn't have to share anything if he isn't ready
That is true. But there are decisions that needs to be made quite quickly that also effect my life.

You need to put this house business on hold while you work out what you both want.
I have no interest in buying a house and we have not even talked about it. He just started to send me links randomly and talking about down payments. I'm not pushing him. I'm trying to talk options.

Did he explain why he thought you were 'controlling'?
I think he feels like I am trying to control his time. In my mind there are things you do when you are in a relationship. Want it or not. Goes both ways. He is more of a "if I don't feel like it, then I don't have to". He feels like I should be more understanding when he is stressed or under pressure. I personally think that even in those situations you put on a fake smile and sufffer through the day if it is needed and then sulk, grunt and do whatever when you get back home. But his family never has anything "mandatory" where as my family does. So he doesn't really get it.

If I were you I'd be thinking "what's going on in my subconscious that I feel the need to snoop?
I know the answer to this one. I knew he wasn't cheating and that didn't cross my mind. I figured that he wasn't being completely honest when his words and actions didn't match. I know him and I can tell when he is not comfortable. Iknew he would be honest to his mate.

He sounds young. (The wedding thing and over-sharing with his mate.)
He's not young. Also I don't think he is oversharing with a mate. I think it's good that he is sharing his feelings with someone. I'm bottling everything up (or sharing here in mumsnet :D) and it is not feeling healthy.

You need to know EVERYTHING? Intrusive.
I don't need to know everything, But i need to know things that effect my life. Ironically, he accuses me of dripfeeding and in everyday situations I clma up more. When it comes to feelings it is the otherr way around. Our communication normally is ok. I think the issue here is that we are talking about big topics and both of us are worried about the outcome so we are scared to be totally honest. But we need to be honest to make it work.

The wedding was only one aspect of this showing about how he has doubts. He felt like that trip added to his stress. He knew it was important to me so he didn't want to say that he doesn't want to come. I think he was worried about concequences. He felt like I should have understod him better about the pressure he in under at work. The wedding has come and gone. We had a good time.

He sounds immature and passive aggressive. Attending a wedding with your partner is a completely normal thing to do.

You've been with him for 7 years. Don't waste any more of your time if he's not serious.

Tbh is be so pissed off with what he said..it would make me want to back off the relationship.

How old are you both?

To be fair, you do sound controlling. You snooped on him to get an advantage and the only reason to do that is to get your way. Otherwise why not just talk it though.

You expect him to conform to your family behaviour and criticise him for not understanding. Isn’t it equally your responsibility to understand him and his family ?

You are focusing on what he has said in private to a friend not your own behaviour. You keep skating over it and saying you own the guilt. But you show no sign of that.

He has to move for your job but doesn’t that compromise his job? Have you recognised and acknowledged that ?

You’re pissed that he had a laddish conversation about you with a friend but think it’s okay to discuss him with random strangers.

Finally lots of people hate weddings except may be the bride and her mother. They are tedious and boring especially if you don’t want to go.
Did you ever thank him and show appreciation for him going along when he hated the idea. I mean you don’t need to be eternally grateful but a “thank you for coming, I realise it’s not what you really wanted to do but you did it for me”.

He’s a human being not a Christmas present.

I feel like people are drawing a lot of conclusion based of very limited amount of information. It is hard to write all the significant information in the way that I mean so that everyone gets it.

You snooped on him to get an advantage and the only reason to do that is to get your way. Otherwise why not just talk it though
Not true. We talked about it. Something felt off. I should have talked about it again, instead I gave into temptation. I shouldn't have done it. I should have talked, but it is too late now. This is not about dvantage or winning.

You expect him to conform to your family behaviour and criticise him for not understanding. Isn’t it equally your responsibility to understand him and his family ?
I'm not criticising anyone or his family. He doesn't get it was a comment on different family culture, not criticism. I don't expect him to conform to my family, but I do think there are certain big events like weddings where people are expected to attend. Even then he is allowed to say that he doesn't want to. He already skips non-essential ones which is a good compromise on my opinion. But this really isn't the issue at hand. Maybe wanting him to come to an event with me once a year is controllig, then I'll admit to being controlling

He has to move for your job but doesn’t that compromise his job? Have you recognised and acknowledged that ?
This was a discussion. Nobody is forcing him, nobody is proposing an ultimatum. The issue at hand is not that he doesn't want to move. The problem is that he hasn't told me that he doesn't want to move (or does he?)

You’re pissed that he had a laddish conversation about you with a friend but think it’s okay to discuss him with random strangers.
Honestly, i think mumsnet would be very small forum if people didn't want advice from strangers. I felt like I needed to talk to someone. But i didn't want to share with people in real life since sharing relationship troubles tend to make things awkward when things work out.

Did you ever thank him and show appreciation for him going along when he hated the idea
yes I did. Several times. Naturally paid all expenses. He said that he had a great time (even to the friend)

Don't waste any more of your time if he's not serious.
There is no indication that he is not serious. There is just a lot happening at the moment.

Tbh is be so pissed off with what he said..it would make me want to back off the relationship.
I don't think there is anything to be pissed off about.

You keep skating over it and saying you own the guilt. But you show no sign of that.
not really sure on how to show it in anonymous forum.

I'm seriously thinking about confessing. Then he has all the information and he can decide if he will trust me again. If not, then I'll live with that. If yes, then we are being honest and can build on that.

So you going to own / demonstrate your guilt by confessing and making him decide to trust you. hmmm, is that how all your decisions are made? You raise the stakes and then put him on the spot, saying you will live with the consequences. When you know that means the end of the relationship.

And whats with the "we are being honest" ? What does he have to be honest with you about? So far he goes along with everything to suit you. His doubts are his own business and would have remained that way until you snooped. You say it's too late to talk about the move, but that is just patently not true. Games are being played here and not by him.

Examine you own behaviour and stop using him for justification.

What has he to be honest with you about? Honest about how he's feeling - not say "you're the one" to op and say to friends that he's not sure about the relationship. And just come out with it if he doesn't want to go to a wedding. I think he should have gone (as he did and had a good time) , it's the right thing to do for friends and to support your dp.

OP, I think you're getting a hard time.
If you had come on here before you'd snooped and said you were worried he was backing out of commitment and you had a feeling he was being dishonest, at least a few people would have told you to trust your spidey senses and investigate the possibility of an OW, which would probably have meant checking his phone.

I don't think snooping as you have done here is controlling. A bit immature and a sign that things aren't as good as you think they are perhaps. It's sad you checked his phone, it doesn't make you a terrible person.

Don't over dramatise it and confess all if you think it would end the relationship, just chalk it up to experience and remember in the future that nothing good ever comes from snooping. And learn from what you read.

I love my DP to death but everyone has tough patches and during those times, if he heard exactly what I said to my friends, he'd probably be hurt too. I'd never write about it though TBF.

He sounds like he has come round to the idea. He's being proactive and showing you he is now invested in the idea of moving. But, he had a wobble and confided in a friend. Just sit down and have another talk about it and make it clear, you want him to tell you if he has any doubts.

Re the wedding - it is a bit shit that he spoke to his friend rather than you. In your conversation, tell him you feel like he sometimes doesn't tell you the truth about how he's feeling about things and use the wedding as an example. Say that you knew he didn't want to go but didn't tell you.

And then don't snoop again.

By the way OP, snooping does NOT make you horrible.

Clearly there is a massive disconnect between you both. That’s the problem. To even feel that you want to look means you don’t trust what he tells you, but he has a total right to his own privacy and snooping only ends up going one way. A bad way.
We always say things to our friends to unload. It’s our own personal space.
You don’t have access to his mind, but he equally needs to be honest with you too.

Personally I can’t see much of a future going forward. It shouldn’t be this hard to communicate.

So what if he didn't want to go to the wedding?

I do stuff for Dp that I don't want to do. I am not going to be over enthusiastic But I will go and put my game face on and probably enjoy it.

I wouldn't tell Dp I don't want to go. What's the point? If it's important to him and he wants me there I will go. Like he will for me. There's no need to have a deep honest conversation.

“I'm a curious person. Since I was a kid I went through every christman present, listened to others on public transport and love to hear gossip. I snooped my boyfriend phone this morning. The phone has been tempting me a few days,” and then you went on to read two WEEKS of messages on his phone.

You have a HUGE control issue. This is not him, it’s you. He’s told you you drip feed and he avoids conversations with you and giving the amount of back tracking and “yeah but no but” you’ve already done on this thread..... I can see why.

@user nailed it on the head with his/her comments.

You’re out of control trying to be in control all the bloody time and if you’ve been like this since you were a kid doesn’t that tell you something?

I am not saying you’re horrible, you’re not.

But you need to get this sorted because if it’s not going to be him, you’ll repeat this over and over again and sabotage other relationships.

You seem to have an answer for everything... what is it you're hoping to hear here.

Bad idea OP. People are torn to shreds on MN for going through phones, sometimes even when they have found evidence of the dh having an affair and their instincts were right. People go through phones, because it's hard to trust someone 100% and I think anyone that does,or claims to is a bit naive or lying tbh.

Hang on, so you had a wedding recently where it seems like your partner accused you of being a bridezilla ie controlling and selfish, but you call him your boyfriend and not husband? I'm confused.

Ah, never mind, I got it now.

You have been together for quite a long time now, so can't see why you haven't talked about all things that matter to you both,,its very odd.

I am always amazed at how many people on here. and people in general, snoop and check on another persons phone, its an awful thing to do.

But I have known a few people who do share their problems etc, with a friend or two, on their phones, if they can't share things with a partner etc.

I don't understand the people saying he can say what he likes to his friend/It's none of your business etc - if he was talking to his friend about other women/making racist comments/generally being a dick, no one would say "you must ignore it as you weren't meant to hear it". And not going to the wedding- you dont get to just opt out of stuff you don't fancy when you are a grown up - my exH did this and it was quite upsetting. Part of commitment to another person is that you do things because it makes the other person happy or because they need support.

Agree you need to talk more openly.

I don't buy it. You don't sound even remotely sorry. I think you are just writing whatever you think will get a person on your side.

@themonkeymummy my point exactly - if this thread is how every conversation with him goes, with the twisting and turning and back tracking, over explaining and minimising blame, the problem is not him.

@saltandvinegarcrisps1 so if there is no privacy and it’s oerfectl fine to check his phone, should I record my next girls night out so my bf can run through the conversation and let me know if anything offends?! Gonna be a boring night out then ...

@goldilocks - like everything else, there are shades of grey. People are entitled to privacy,- but not if they are bad mouthing their DP or being offensive- say if your partner and his friend were rating the women they worked with out of 10 - I'd want to know so I could decide whether I wanted to be with someone like that. It's different to having a rant on a night out.

OP forgive me if I missed facts in scrolling through.

After 7 years together I can certainly see that there could be crossroads in that alone, questioning where the relationship is going. That assuming the 7 years is from adulthood and not teens.

If from teens, I’d be suggesting moving on to experience more of life.

If this is 7 years within adulthood, then that’s quite a long time not to know if the person is the right one. I’d be inclined to tell him to shit or get off the pot.

As for the wedding, being together for 7 years, I’d be expecting him to accompany you to events and likewise you accompany him to events he has.

He should also know that often a friend getting married sets attendees of thinking about their own situation. Perhaps that’s why he didn’t want to go? Not wanting to have discussions about your future together?

Frankly, I wouldn’t be buying a house with someone you’re with 7 years and not married or planning wedding.

Op, you are getting a hard time for snooping but I believe it was your first time and signals your gut instinct is telling you something.

There is nothing more frustating and destructive to a relationship if one person will not communicate how they feel and then holds grudges/resentment as a result.

I do think how he talks about you to friends is important...especially if you feel it was disrespectful. You could be his wife and mother to children so why would he slate you? I have only ever vented very negatively when the relationship has reached a tipping point of more bad than good.

If he will not say how he feels and then goes behind your back to calls you controlling and selfish I take that as a big red flag. If he is labelling you that strongly AFTER the wedding when he enjoyed it then he holds resentment for you which is so unhealthy.Is he trying to portray himself to his friend as the victim of his controlling girlfriend?
Venting to friends is not destructive but his comments seem stronger than venting which is why you are reacting.

I think you do need to clear the air but if you suspect this is a pattern of his communication I would urge you to not commit until communication is fixed.

Those of us who have had passive aggressive, victim mentality partners with avoidant attachment style see some signs which is why you are getting mixed responses.

He could be venting but if he labelled you rather than said "I felt she was not being understanding but it actually worked out fine so it was ok" then proceed with caution, especially a move that might be away from family.

I don’t understand the just not going to weddings. Can you do that these days even though your meal is normally paid for etc?! I think it would have been rude for him not to go tbh!