DH left - kids reacting badly - what should I do/expect?

[sosadsomad]

LO is 2 1/2 and has scratched me and constantly screaming at me. I was feeling quiet strong but this is killing me.

if we haven't talked within a month i would like to think I wouldn't let him back after a month, i can't see 5 mins let alone 5 weeks. he won't talk, just wallowing in self destruction

sorry - no cross posted I didn't mean that I would let him come back next month. I was referring to your post about letting him back in a month or so. I'm sad enough to let him tonight if I can't stay strong - that's what i meant

dd just fell asleep on carpet - tried to carry her to bed and she's started panic screaming again?

she's in bed now thank goodness - exhausted herself

oh god, i really feel for you. don't know the whole circumstance but sounds like he's very depressed.

i also have an H suffering from depression. it's been an ongoing 2 year farce tbh.

i guess luckily for me, dd wasn't even born when it first began.

in the last 2 months i have withdrawn from him completely. in actual fact this seems to have had some good effect. he appears to have made some progress in dealing with his demons.

sounds so little but he's actually rung me 2 days in a row from overseas where he is working on an incredibly stressful project.

what broke my heart was when i put dd on the phone (19months) she smiled but wouldn't speak and then cried. she jabbers away to other people. she hasn't seen him in about 9 weeks but they have always had a fantastic relationship.

he is coming to see her this weekend and we are starting counselling on monday. now i am feeling crap about whether i am exposing her to more confusion and upset. i am worried he won't keep his promises (again) and will let her down (again).

btw, it's his choice to stay away.....

sorry i've hijacked your thread!

if you truly believe it's the right thing to do then stay strong. the next few days will be rough but your DC will adapt and begin to understand very quickly.

you just need to be consistant IMO, even when it's really really hard rely on your instinct that ultimately the outcome will be better for all.

wish i could be more help, i really feel for you having to go thru this.

I can't read all your message because it set me off crying again but you're right he is very depressed, I'm scared, his phone has gone flat and I don't know where he is. I have had a strange email at 5.05pm very hypercritical of himself and I feel terrible for making things worse rather than supporting him but I can't do it any more it's making me ill

what broke my heart too was seeing dd (2) screaming and ds (5 1/2) hugging her when we were fighting

sorry paddle did i kill the thread - thanks for your support i am all over the place at the moment

hi sosasomad, didn't kill it just that a friend called so been on the phone.

i have supported H for 2 years and it's been pretty much a one-way street. it's been so hard not just supporting him but also defending him to family and friends.

depression is a truly awful thing, i have spent so much time trying to help him and believing if i just loved him enough and did enough for him then i could fix him.

i can't.

he has to fix himself.

you aren't making it worse IMO, you are doing what you need to protect yourself.

terrible as this is for your DC they need one healthy and happy parent.

your OH has to seek treatment, get meds and counselling/therapy. you can help and support him in this but right now, in the depths as he is, you cannot change the way his mind is working.

until you can relate to each other without fighting and the DC witnessing the fights you are doing the right thing in withdrawing.

thanks for coming back to me. I re read his email and i'm so scared the way he talks. I saw a counsellor through work today as i haven't got any support (don't want to worry my mum she's got enough on but she knows) the counsellor was guiding me to leave him but then confused me when talking about depression by saying that you shouldnt do any big life changing decisions ie. leave the family home ??? I hoped that forcing him to leave might make him fight for us but he seems so far removed and so self obsessed he won't no matter what i say. i've tried emotional blackmail, guilt trips, shouting, hitting him , ffs

he says he's tried everything it's just the way he is, he needs to be alone close to no-one then he can only blame himself for his irrational behaviour, he talks as if he is a failure in everything he does (he had it drummed into him by his parents and it still affects him) he is intelligent but thinks he is thick, he has given up and just wants to run away rather than face his demons so to speak. to this end he says he has tried and failed.

do you think your situation is similar? did he choose to leave you or did you ask him to go?

My DP is depressed too but still with us thankfully. Probably not much help but I know how hard and isolating it can be. And I know how frustrating it can be always having to be the strong one. xx

thanks freddiecat I feel really shit for kicking him out but he is giving me nothing but grief at the moment. I'm not strong only when I'm angry but now I'm really weak again, i'm depressed myself but he's so self obsessed he offers no support but know's his behaviour makes me ill - asthma attacks, general illness, migraines, etc

sosad, my H has said the same in the past. he feels so worthless and rubbish that he doesn't feel like he deserves to be around.

he also goes thru phases where he lives day to day and just wants to be alone. apparently this isn't necessarily normal depressive behaviour.

my H has left 3 times, each time going awol for days or weeks and leaving while i was at work or pretending to go somewhere and not returning. the first time he went training and didn't come back for 6 weeks.... the second time he went for a run and it was 6 weeks again before i knew where he was.

a counsellor shouldn't guide you, they shouldn't judge you either. this doesn't sound like a good resource for you.

don't call his bluff, don't make empty threats or ultimatums. when they are like this they have no spirit to fight you or for you with. they will just accept that they deserve the absolute worst because they are worthless.

my only way to cope has been to figure out my own future and follow my decisions and choices thru. i tend to think of him as living a parallel life that touches on ours as and when.

i do hope that one day the 2 will converge but it remains to be seen..........

you have truly shocked me, you talk a lot of sense and sound so level headed i wonder how you managed to get to a place like that and how you could possibly cope and understand - do you love him?

i don't know what to think when he describes it as a self destructive path that will not come to an end until everything is gone and the guilt and remorse is killing him

so why can't he fight for us? i don't understand - will he never fight for us/get help - i don't think he will, so is that it have I lost him?

yes i do love him but i won't love him to my own destruction.

it's taken me 2 years of complete heartbreak to get to this point.

we have only just begun communcating again and i am terrified of getting sucked into the emotional roller coaster once again.

he also feels massive guilt for a great deal of stuff. some deserved, some not. but it's a frame of mind, once they're in the depths of it nothing anyone says or does can persuade them otherwise.

sorry this is all a bit bleak eh!

i have just had some really down texts from H as his project didn't go off 100% successful. I have just run him in Eastern Europe to get the whole story and tried to gee him up. Essentially something crucial went wrong but in fact no-one noticed and there were no repurcussions (sp?) so they got away with it........ this time! he has a week to get home and sort it out before the same jobrun next week.

his fragility means he feels responsible and has taken a bit knock back thru it. just spent 5 mins pointing out all that he's achieved and trying to get him to see that he's done an amazing job despite the one error.

i don't know what your OH feels guilt for but he needs to resolve that.

whether you've lost him or he'll fight for you is an unkown question.

if his being at home isn't healthy for you all then you need to stay strong but there are other ways you can support him.

please don't feel bad, you are NOT responsible for him. we each choose and live by our own actions.

i am not strong, i am just very tired of living a half life and H now knows I won't be hanging around forever waiting for him to get over himself and find some balls!

and now i feel bad coz H said he'd call me back in a bit if i was still going to be up but i said i was off to bed.

i need to sleep and dd will be up early but am torn as i feel i should stay awake for a call from him.

but they are having a bit of a post-production drink and he won't cut that short in order to call me so i should stop feeling guilty and go to bed!

but he did say he loved me out loud despite lots of shouty/giggly girls and boys in the background which made me feel good LOL!

did you get your call yet? I just had a call. He's on his way back as he's no where to go, tired and feels ill? I can't kick him out on the streets so can only think to try and give him some space to think

loving the last line of your post - my sentiments exactly about getting some balls - i nearly texted that today thought I'd better not

Good luck - good night and keep in touch x

So Sad - Just read your post and feel so sad for you too.

You sound as if you are fighting and that is what is keeping you going. I dont know why he left - I am sure you think he is to blame for something.

I too have suffered from depression and have gone through hell recently when my H left (he was having an affair and couldnt bear the guilt) At that time i remember him saying and texting very black things, and saying that he had just pressed his own self destruct button.

All i would say is the shouting and screaming and hitting is not helping and so maybe there is another approach. It sounds as if he is punishing himself enough for 2 anyway.

Even if he has hurt you so very very badly i am sure you have it in yourself to not react, and only show him your kind caring side. It sounds weak doesnt it? Do it and you will feel so much stronger in the long run.

It is natural for us to kick out and hurt the people who have hurt us but you know you can be better than this, show your children how to respect others.

Difficult as it is you must tell them that Daddy is still there and that you still love him.

He wont need you to let him back throuhg your weakness he will want to come running home.

I hope that all makes sense - its not a load of hippy rubish and i do believe it does work. If you stop the fighting as it seems to have not got you in a happy position. Is it better to be right or happy?

I could constantly beat my H up over the affair and the awful way he treated me. He would be long gone if i did. Even if he has done the most horrendous things he does not deserve punishing forever. I cannot change the past.

If you regret telling him to leave - tell him. Dont get dragged into an agurument again.

Good luck whatever happens you will cope and be stronger because of it.

thanks, he came back to sleep but i didn't see him nor did the kids. he's gone again now but i don't know if it's down to me to make a move now or not. i wouldn't react to it all if he didn't frighten us so by shouting and throwing things, it's like a fight or flee instinct to protect myself and the kids

good post HW, I know exactly what you mean. On the occasions were I lost it and shouted and demanded his attention, comittment, effort, assistance etc it only served to push him further away.

there's a line in a book about living with depression (ie: their's not your own) that goes something like "learning the wisdom (and the pain) of silence" and I often repeat that in my head.

having said that we are now in a different phase and I have seen recent results from a complete withdrawal followed by a pretty cold but angry and very frank conversation. yes I did have a go at him but it wasn't an emotional rant and I did make some ultimatums. however for the first time I am ready to follow those ultimatums thru and I think H fully realises that now.

I think there's some differences here tho as sosad seems to be saying that he is getting angry and shouting and fighting with her.

tbh, i don't know how i'd handle that as H has always been very subdued and not at all confrontational.

hard as it may sound sosad, the first thing you need to figure out is what you want to today. just today for now. it's perfectly okay to do nothing and let the dust settle somewhat.

he clearly needs your support and (as is common) hasn't even considered that you might not give it. if you wish, you can make that support conditional. he has to see the gp and get some help.

it took me 10 weeks to get H to the dr the first time and another 6 weeks the third time.......

emotional withdrawal is the key, doesn't mean you can't support and help him but it does mean that it won't destroy you when he lets you down again.

it's taken me months and months to get to that stage.

H is due here this weekend to see us for first time in 2 months. I am gutted his project didn't go 100% as I am now anxious he will crash again and will retreat again.

I so didn't want to get back on this roller coaster..........

Of course we need to protect ourselves and will be anxious/frightened sad and angry at the way these men seem to be treating us. We have to put up our barriers.

But what i am saying is to know what you want and as PC says if that is only for today that is good. We cannot change anyone else or make them do what we want and hope they do to. Of course emotionally withdraw - dont let anyone elses moods or emotions affect ours (again harder in practice).

Just be the person you know you are deep down - and that is by the sound of it a very caring loving person, if your partner does not want that love then give it to your children and dont let history repeat itself.

Let those children know they are your world no matter what - you will feel better for it and it will not matter if he is there or not. Be there for him but dont let his mood dictate yours - you can be happy with or without him. It is sad to watch this happen to someone but you cannot let it effect your health and happiness

Take care today and be extra kind to yourself you are doing so well.