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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I be offended or a good idea?

43 replies

Meganrb · 25/09/2018 21:46

I posted a few weeks ago about my OH and how I was close to walking due to his laziness and unwillingness to spend time with me and our DS

Well we’ve been talking about the rut we’re in at the moment and I mentioned about needing more time to myself as I am always with DS. After talking for a while OH suggested we live separately for a while. Me and DS in our own place. Now I like the idea of this mainly because I’m sick of living with OH and can see it as a way of escaping the misery I’m in and also seeing if I’m happier alone. OH however sees it as an oppertunity to save more money and after a few years of living apart his idea is to move back together again (when DS is 4).

Now AIBU to be offended that my OH basically wants to ship me out to another house, to look after DS alone, except every other weekend. He doesn’t want us to split up because he says he loves me but he wants some free time (as do I).

Anyway my point being, I want to do it because I don’t want to live with him anymore. He wants to do it because he values saving money over spending time with his family. Or that’s how I feel.

Any ideas? Or thoughts?

OP posts:

beela · 25/09/2018 21:49

How will running two households save money? That makes no sense to me.

booboo24 · 25/09/2018 21:50

I'd be offended too! I also don't understand how living separately will allow you to save?

You say you don't want to live with him though, so do you still really want to work at this because to me this sounds like a trial separation, and you could easily just drift apart now

Quartz2208 · 25/09/2018 21:52

If you dont want to leave with him it sounds like you should be doing a proper trial separation

Original poster

Meganrb · 25/09/2018 21:55

It’s complicated money wise but it does work better financially if we’re not together. But yeah I guess it is like a trial separation, I guess I hadn’t thought of it like that.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/09/2018 21:57

Wouldn’t work for me.

LemonSqueezy0 · 25/09/2018 21:58

Making an assumption here, but if you intend to claim state benefits and claim as a single person (but aren't actually split up) you could get done for fraud.

Just something to consider, as well as how healthy it will be for your relationship anyway...

puzzledlady · 25/09/2018 21:59

But you wanted to leave in the first place, so he’s suggested the arrangement and now your not sure and are offended by him suggesting what you wanted? Sorry OP I’m confused.

RyderWhiteSwan · 25/09/2018 22:00

I was thinking this LemonSqueezy0

burblife · 25/09/2018 22:00

Of course he doesn't want to officially split up. Because then he'd have to pay maintenance for your DS and have a more formal custody arrangement.

Cake and eat it comes to mind.

MattBerrysHair · 25/09/2018 22:01

If you're hoping to claim benefits as single parents in order to have more money, despite still being in a relationship then you could be done for benefit fraud.

But back to your question...... I reckon he's hoping to use his newfound independence to shag around, hoping you'll be content with being his plan b. I'd be furious initially, but then happy to show him the door permanently.

Bluntness100 · 25/09/2018 22:02

Is this benefit related? You claim benefits so are better off if you live as a single parent?

motortroll · 25/09/2018 22:02

So your main issue is wanting time out....to yourself. And he has suggested you being effectively a lone parent most of the time while he lives elsewhere.....so you will be with your son most of the time doing the majority of your care. What part of that is you having time to yourself???

Don't bother with the trial just get on with a separation!

Original poster

Meganrb · 25/09/2018 22:03

Dont worry @lemonSqueezy0 it’s more a combination of getting rid of a second car, change in childcare arrangements and other outgoing reductions. Sounds mental I know but it does work out better which I think is why he wants to do it. But I guess I would have thought being a bit more skint but loving with your family was more important.

Just makes me think even less of him as a person than I did before.

OP posts:

Thebluedog · 25/09/2018 22:04

Wouldn’t work for me, I’m either in or out... you could look at it like a trial separation, why can he only look after your dc eow?

MattBerrysHair · 25/09/2018 22:05

And why does he get to bow out of the lifelong responsibility of parenting for so many years? Why is his free time more precious than yours? Why does he get to have a break every night and every other weekend when you get a pitiful every other weekend? Parental responsibility is shared, it isn't just yours!

Singingitoverandoverandover · 25/09/2018 22:05

Smell a rat

Bluntness100 · 25/09/2018 22:05

But surely you can do all those things if you live together?

Sorry it's very confusing how running to homes would be cheaper.

CottonTailRabbit · 25/09/2018 22:05

Go for it! You don't want him. Yes his plan is offensive but so the fuck what? This is ideal. Get started immediately on him having DS one night in the week and every other weekend for your lovely lovely time to yourself. Also get CMS payments set up to help with you being officially single. No overnight stays for DH at your place, of course, wouldn't want to chance it. See how it works? Easiest exit ever.

Thatstheendofmytether · 25/09/2018 22:08

Is it because you will be able to claim benefits without him there then? Because I really can't see how running 2 houses would be cheaper and mean you wouldn't need 2 cars anymore. I think it sound pretty silly and the fact there is a set time on when you will move back together is ridiculous really.

Ohyesiam · 25/09/2018 22:14

Rich people do this lots. I have a friend who is big in film production , her and her husband live on next door houses on a very lovely street in north London. It works really well for them.
If it appeals to you don’t let convention get on your way. It’s creative solution.

Original poster

Meganrb · 25/09/2018 22:14

Relax people no benefit fraud here.

I work, get paid quite well for what I do. But we live in a rural area so need 2 cars as I bus connections. But I can move to a property my parents own so it’s much much cheaper with no car/ car payments/ petrol, closer to my parents (who live 2 hours away) who will then be able to look after DS. It’s oretty much a no brainer really financially but obviously the reason we live together now is because up until this point we were a normal functionning family.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 25/09/2018 22:16

OP it sounds like for you go first get settled and then do the trial separation once you are there this is definitely better for you

Bluntness100 · 25/09/2018 22:17

Sorry, I still don't understand, why wouldn't he move with you? Surely it's cheaper if he does? What will happen to your current home, and where we he live?

NotANotMan · 25/09/2018 22:20

Do you want to split up with him?
If so, go! Work out the details later.

spinabifidamom · 25/09/2018 22:20

Honestly if it works for you guys then go for it. This is perfect. Ask about child support payments for DS too. But what are you going to do about the financial stuff? Careful budgeting skills are needed here to ensure you don’t overspend for no reason either. Consider any form of financial assistance. Are you divorcing him or something? Do not act without professional advice.

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