My partner wants to leave me - we have a 7 month old.

[lessthanorganic]

Hi. I need some perspective and definitely some advice please. I'm so desperate, and this is the only way I feel I can get some impartial feedback.

My partner and I have been together 5 years and have a beautiful 7 month old girl.
We have never argued so much as when she was born, we bicker constantly and it is really getting us both down. I am exhausted, slightly suffering with post natal depression and have next to no help from family or friends. My partner has football commitments (every Saturday and one night a week) and work commitments so it's been a hard journey so far that has felt like an uphill struggle constantly with me and baby.
I am bitter that his life hasn't changed all that much- he's gone on two boys holidays already before she was 4 months old, and goes on a night out with friends maybe once a month.
He's a good dad and did his fair bit, at the beginning, but now I sense he is not wanting to feed/ change/ bath or get up with our baby near enough as much as he used to. He said he's tired, and he's not playing that well in football anymore - I nag him all the time (when he's here) even though I prepare dinner every night and keep the house immaculate. this weekend we had the biggest row.
I went away for the weekend (after her bedtime on Friday until Sunday morning, only to a place half hour from home) with friends to celebrate a special occasion. He looked after her on Friday night, then Saturday morning she was dropped to his mums at 8am as he was playing football all day. The plan was that he would return at 9pm (they were playing far away) and he would stay at his mums and do the night feeds and morning routine.
I called him on Sunday morning to see how it all went. I turns out he had gone out, got very drunk and was hungover - but it was ok, because his mum was ok about it and would look after the baby.
I was annoyed because one again he is not being the responsible parent, and his mother, who has attachment issues to her son anyway is still pandering to him and undermining me.
He has now said he can't take this anymore, that he hasn't done anything wrong. I am relentless and a control freak and he would prefer a life without me. He will be staying down his mothers apparently.

What do I do?! How do I act?! I don't want to raise our child with split parents like I had. I'm devastated that I've done this to her and I begged him to try and make this work for her. He is very stubborn and has said I am too much for him.

Please someone tell me if I need to change, or if I have over-reacted. I feel I do so much for him and our baby. He said I was a bad mum for going away the weeekend. Am I?

Please help.

I think you’re better off without him. Doesn’t sound like he is pulling his weight at all. Let him stay at his mums. I’d be packing up all his stuff and dropping it round his mums so she can look after her man child x

No OP you sound like an amazing mum not a bad one at all. Sounds like you needed a night a way.
He sounds like a big bollock dad talks the talk but can't walk the walk. If this was your daughter what would you say to her? Think about it and follow the advice you would give your daughter xxx

You have done nothing from what I can see. He has decided that having a kid is too difficult and it's all your fault it seems.

Why are you a bad mother for going away for a weekend but he's perfectly fine to do it twice?

He is an asshole and I hope he sees sense. It pisses me off immensely when so called "great dads" bail when it gets a bit rough.

Having a baby is exhausting. It's relentless for the first year or so. When they start sleeping regularly and frequently it gets much much easier but you have to stick it out. Selfish cockwombles.

I imagine since you aren't married he will fuck off with all his money he earnt whilst you were struggling on maternity leave as well.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this op. I hope he sorts himself out and grows thefuck up.

Hes trying to make you feel guilty for something he has done wrong. Dont play into it. Dont apologise. Just say 'yes I think that would be for the best' if he says he is going to stay at his mums.
Do not get pushed into the role of being the bad guy when everything you have done is perfectly reasonable and he is the one shirking.

He seems to think he can get exactly what he wants by threatening you with a breakup.....
He sounds like a shit dad and partner anyway and really I dont think your life would be much different except to perhaps be better, if he did actually leave!!

You're a bad mum for going away for one weekend but he has gone on two holidays without her and has a hobby that he absolutely prioritises over you both? Nope.

This is not a good dad.

You can't put up with this just to give your daughter the fiction of a together family. Ending it now means she won't have to see her dad being at home only when he doesn't have a better offer. This isn't a good relationship model to give her.

Thank you - I honestly thought I was going to be told I've over reacted, so this is a shock, and now I have to start to think of life without him. I feel so sad that my girl will grow up with split parents. I never wanted this for her. Why can't men just see the light before it's too late??
I would be telling my daughter to realise her worth more than likely.
God, this is disappointing. Thank you so much for all of your feedback I appreciate it x

@Littletabbyocelot thank you. I didn't think of the flip side, where I would be showing her that it is ok to be treated this way. Thank you for saying that. X

Let him go back to mummy

You have one child, not two

His double standards are quite special, aren't they

It sounds like you're doing everything alone already. You won't realise he's not around apart from not having to deal with his nonsense anymore. Save your sanity and put you and your Dd first. You can can do this.

Sorry OP but you are definitely not the problem here. He has decided that he can't be arsed to be a Dad. You are so much better off without him and his selfish childish and miserable behaviour. Better to get shut and give yourself a chance to meet a real man in the future who will understand what the word responsibility means.

You sound amazing. I remember how hard it is bringing up baby with dh working away etc.
However I wonder if you are setting your standards too high re the immaculate house and cooking each evening. I just feel that your well being is more important than this.
Also I feel that because you do so much you have expected your dh not to go out because of this. I wouldn't have minded his mum looking after the baby. But...…… he should be helping you on a daily basis then you wouldn't have felt like this.

Sorry didn't read the bit where he said you were a bad mum for going away for the weekend. Bloody hell that's blame-shifting and double standards. What a dick.

I don't have anything to add to these really supportive posts. They are all spot on.

You sound amazing. He sounds like a prick. Your MIL has a case to answer here too.

Go bring up your beautiful baby in a calm happy home and show her what a strong woman looks like.

Good Luck. X

Well that’s an interesting idea from him isn’t it? A life away from you. So how’s his football stuff going to work when he’s got to have his daughter every other weekend? Or is he intending to just go back to zero responsibility and never see his kid? Think he needs to grow the F up. Football and getting drunk every weekend isn’t going to fly. Personally think you should tell him to sling his hook and then get your every other weekend (and one night during the week) to yourself to go and enjoy your life and get some downtime. Honestly, he sounds like an arrogant, selfish, mamma boy prick. You deserve better. 2 boys holidays before she turned 4 months old?!!!? WTF? I would have kicked my DHs butt if he’d dared. You’ve been way too accommodating and he’s deluded if he thinks that’s how other new dads behave

Oh my gosh OP... You are not a terrible Mum at all!! You sound like a pretty amazing girlfriend too. Fuck... what a wanker!

When we had my DS, the house looked like a shit tip for about 9 months. My OH did the dishes and cleaning for the first 6 months really.

OH has been out a handful of times... not even monthly. Like every 3 months maybe?
He comes home every day from work and stays with us. He doesn't often partake in his hobbies. He does a bit of fishing or snooker every now and then. But he's totally dedicated to his family.

If He had been like your OH, I would have said I feel like a single mum anyway so what's the fucking point. Get out.

You are not in the wrong at all. Your OH is a prick and needs to come to terms with the fact that he is a father now. He had 9 months to get used to it just as you did. God I'm so fucking angry for you OP!!!!!!!
Arrrrrgggghhhh

Sorry, the fact he called you a bad mum for daring to have a weekend away means he deserves to be kicked out.... nevermind him leaving you. How dare he?! What an absolute dick. Let him go back to mummy ...he's obviously still a little child .

You will be better without him.

Hi.
I was you a year ago (other than the fact that my boyfriend said he was playing football but was in fact with the ow! ).
Don't worry. You will be fine and better off without him. It will hurt horribly to start with but the less time you spend with him the more you will realise just what you were putting up with.
Me and my daughter have a lovely life. It's been tough but definitely OK and you will set her an example by being a fantastic mother. I think the other thing about this age is she won't know anything different.
Good luck op

My dds dad was exactly like this. Even down to the mum taking over childcare when it was his turn to do anything. I left him when dd was 6 months old. She is now 15 and over the years he has been such a useless parent that she doesn’t really want anything to do with him now she is getting older and has more choice about what she does.

You deserve better. I am now remarried to a wonderful man who has been nothing but a devoted and equal parent and partner for the ten years we have been together. We have a young child with disabilities and I thank god (or whoever!) everyday that I left my ex and was able to find such a lovely man who shares everything with me.

Can’t believe he told you that you’re a bad mum for going away for the weekend when he’s had two holidays without you already. What a prick. I hope you reminded him of that fact, the selfish little man child. You’re better off without him!

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, having a child can test the best of relationships, however your partner sounds very selfish and isn't ready to be a proper dad. He's got to realise that life and priorities do change when you have children.

Also I don't think he has the right to say he wants to split up esp as he has it so easy!

You're not over reacting in fact I think you're being such a good mother. Devote your time to yourself and your daughter and let him be a mummy's little boy away from you.
X

He sounds extremely selfish. As you say, his life hasn't really changed. Going on holidays without you when your baby was so young?! To be honest, he sounds a real bastard. YOU don't need to change at all, he does. Unfortunately, he won't so let him go. You've been doing everything on your own, so you'll be fine. Get support from friends/neighbours. Best of luck x

Let him leave. You'll be much happier without him. He sounds like he wants his life to stay the same and you and the baby must fit around him.

What a joke.

Your life will be simpler without him. He's a manchild.

Pack his bags and leave them at his mother's door.
He's taking the piss.

Thing is, as I've said someone in real life recently, he knows your weakness.
It's you don't want your baby growing up in a split parent household like you did, and you don't want to be a single mother.
So he knows this, that's why he takes the piss, because he can.

Sounds like your a single mother already as he's not pulling his weight.

Call his bluff and let him stew.

HE isnt a good dad - he could even manage one weekend without putting himself first. He is one of the most selfish I have read about on MN

Show your daughter she is number 1 and tell him to leave and dont look back

Actually he didnt look after her at all - she was asleep when you left and he went to his mums first thing in the morning