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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like I'm responsible for everything!!!!

29 replies

Whatwhatt · 25/09/2018 18:03

I'm over dramatic about this particular situation but it's annoyed me so much.

Me and DP live together and have 2 cats (it's relevant I promise!)

I work miles from home so DP does have to take responsibility if the pets need to visit the vet. He is self employed and his work space is close to home.

Both of the cats had appointments today for boosters. I told DP about it around 2 weeks ago. The appointments are after 5pm so not mid day. He would usually already be home by that time. All fine, he says no problem. I ask him is he sure does he want me to arrange another day etc... And he says no it's fine.

I ask him a few times after could he let me know it he needs to rearrange etc.. but he insists it's fine. I only ask because he works for himself and never has any brain space for anything other than his business. He has a lot on so I need to remind him often about things that aren't involved with his work.

Anyway fast forward to today and low and behold he's forgotten to take then. Or actually he did get home in time but tells me he isn't messing around doing this, he's never doing this again, he's been running around all day doing x y and z for work etc ...

It's only small in comparison but I'm so annoyed! This isn't the first time I've felt like anything that isn't about his work is my responsibility. I'm the one who has to think 'we need to go shopping' or 'we need to buy so and so ', 'we've got that wedding this weekend', 'we need to arrange x y or z' and then I'm always the one to take the lead and sort it.

I've even taken to arranging his stuff with HMRC because he's so preoccupied with work and I'm scared it won't get done if I don't.

I love him he's amazing with everything else and I know this isnt a great deal but it's just so infuriating.

I asked him over and over to tell me if it was too much and he told me over and over it wasn't. And now we're probably hqve two times to pay for missing the appointments.

I feel like everything to do with our lives outside of his work is up to me to sort out. I know it's stressful for him but I just wish he'd say before hand.

I sound silly going on about cats now don't I!

OP posts:
Molokonono · 25/09/2018 18:06

No you need to stop letting him just do his work and nothing else.

And be prepared to walk away if he doesn't.

Have some standards.

mummmy2017 · 25/09/2018 18:07

Stop being his mother.
Tell him if he won't be a partner in life outside his work, he is going to go hungry,.

Doingreat · 25/09/2018 18:08

You don't sound silly at all.
What's so amazing about this man child?

category12 · 25/09/2018 18:16

So, you work outside the home fulltime, and come home to do everything else?

And he's amazing in every other way. What ways are those? He's certainly not very respectful of your time and energy. He's too important to put his mind to anything except what he wants. You should be pissed off. I hope you're not intending to have dc with him.

Original poster
Whatwhatt · 25/09/2018 18:23

category12 in terms of housework he actually isn't too bad in that he cooks tea, tidies, does washing etc... I'd say we do around about our fair share of that sort of stuff.

He gets extremely stressed when he has a lot on with work. Never to the extent that he is angry or aggressive. We don't argue over it, in fact we usually talk about it together if he's feeling overwhelmed etc.. but it's as if that's exactly it. Arranging anything other than work just completely overwhelms him to the point where he throws his hands up and says no.

Usually I don't mind doing things. He's working hard to make a business up to better our future and he works damn hard. I'm very proud of him.

But in situations like this where I literally have no choice but to ask him to take some responsibility for something and he 'forgets' or is 'too busy' (on the day, never when asked in advance mind!!) It's really infuriating!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwhatt · 25/09/2018 18:26

And then I feel guilty as if I'm putting pressure on him to do something when he's already stressed but... they are OUR cats.

I know that sounds ridiculous like I'm talking about children haha but they were a joint decision to get. It wasn't as if I wanted cats and so promised I'd take full responsibility iyswim.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 25/09/2018 18:27

He's not amazing. He's not an adult. Don't have kids with him. STOP enabling him. Better yet, get rid of him. He thinks it's enough in life just to work and people, you, are there to wipe his arse. Fuck that.

category12 · 25/09/2018 18:45

I know that sounds ridiculous like I'm talking about children haha but they were a joint decision to get.

It is not at all silly to extrapolate it to how he'd be if you did have children.

Shambu · 25/09/2018 18:47

If you're young and you want kids they will be all your responsibility.

Doingreat · 25/09/2018 18:50

He's going dump everything on you when/if you have children. He thinks it's women's work. Google mental load. And wifework. He's dumped all the wifework on you and the mental load is overwhelming you and you have started to resent him.

Don't have children with him. It'll be miserable

Shambu · 25/09/2018 18:54

Yep if he can't cope with work + cats, how will he cope with work + children?

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 25/09/2018 18:56

This is one of those little things that in time will become a really big thing. He really needs to sort himself out or I don't see how your relationship can have a long term future. The resentment will just build and build, especially if you add children to the mix. I can just imagine what you will be posting on here in 5 or 10 years when it is the DC he is letting down, rather than just you and the cats.

Molokonono · 26/09/2018 11:53

Come on. He had to take cats somewhere once. And couldn't manage it.

You picking up the slack is part of the training. Don't fall for it.

Thebluedog · 26/09/2018 12:06

Wow.... so next time his HMRC stuff comes round, and the household insurance, car tax etc etc, tell him ‘you’re not messing around doing that stuff’

But in all seriousness OP, he doesn’t have to mess around doing that stuff does he? Because he knows you’ll do it. As other op have said, this is one of those really stupid things that will erode a relationship and become a big thing.

My ex did this, he went to work, helped out cooking and cleaning, but when it came to Insurance’s, car tax, mot, kids vaccinations, parents evenings, pretty much everything, he left it up to me, and I was stupid enough to keep doing it... it really did make me laugh as about 7 months after he left, he got pulled over for no MOT, and he actually had the nerve to ring me, and blame me for not reminding him to get it done Grin

Original poster
Whatwhatt · 26/09/2018 12:31

Thebluedog I know you're right. I'm making a rod for my own back. It's just so hard because these things all affect me too. I don't want to just sit back and leave things which will have a negative impact on me as well if they don't get done.

Like the HMRC thing... I know it's his responsibility and his business. But he's worked so so hard to get it where it is that I don't mind helping him out by taking over the paperwork type stuff. I do worry he'll forget because he gets so occupied with the actual running of the business that he just can't seem to think about anything else. And selfishly, I do need this to work, his business is what pays most of our bills etc... So it is in my interest as well to make sure it doesn't go belly up.

So I don't mind doing most of it. It only becomes a problem for me in a situation like yesterday when I needed him to do something for us because I physically couldn't and he didn't.

The problem is his stress levels with his work. Like yesterday for example, it wasn't that he just got home and thought, I've been in work today so I CBA going to vet now. It was because he was overwhelmed because he was running late (he'd forgotten) and had to go back out afterwards to fit another job and couldn't find one of the cats straight away so was stressing about it and just decided thats it 'hes not got time for this blah blah'.

It's never aimed at me, we don't argue about it, he never shouts or is aggressive. He just gets overwhelmed so easily with stuff.

I just sound like I'm defending everything now don't it ha. It's just because it's hard for me to type things like this because he really isn't a bad or horrible man.

OP posts:
shouldwestayorshouldwego · 26/09/2018 12:39

Even if he had just taken the cat he could find then it would have cut your losses to an extent. Does he pay you for the work paperwork? Often financially beneficial too if he is higher rate tax payer and you are not.

You need to start drawing lines in the sand. Say he needs to arrange his family's presents etc.

Original poster
Whatwhatt · 26/09/2018 12:53

shouldwestayorshouldwego no he doesn't pay me though to be fair he did say he would. It was me who said no.

I need to start setting some boundaries up I think! I don't mind doing things as a favour but it can't get to the point where it's expected. I think that's the problem.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/09/2018 13:13

I don't think anyone is saying he's a bad horrible man, but this is the kind of thing that erodes relationships.

It starts off with you "not minding" , and it's "helping us both", but when it's taken for granted and when it starts creeping up and up, you will be overwhelmed yourself. Thing is, you create this expectation and when life changes, it tends not to change with it. So you have dc together, and they and the admin attached will somehow be mostly your responsibility, and perhaps you'll be on maternity leave, so you'll take on more of the housework, and he'll get used to doing less, and when you go back to work, you'll still be doing it. And you'll end up being the dogsbody and the secretary, and he'll just be focused on work. You need to set boundaries.

Also, his anger and stress, while not currently directed at you, make you change your behaviour and rush around helping him. Which is nice of you, but he's not learning strategies to cope with his stress, other than "dump it on whatswatt" .

Penyu · 26/09/2018 13:36

I found myself doing this for my exh, turned out I’d been doing it 18 years. It’s called emotional labour, and believe me if you have trouble now, it will get many, many times worse with a child in the mix (play dates, birthday presents, after school activities, homework, medical appointments etc) I was doing EVERYTHING and managing him with lists which may or may not get done. Nightmare.
He’s not ‘remembering’ as it’s simply not a priority to him.

Shambu · 26/09/2018 14:20

Some men simply cannot focus or deal with anything but their work.

It's partly stress but it's mainly selfishness, dependency and immaturity.

It's not such a major problem now but if you have kids it will become a massive problem.

Guiltypleasures001 · 26/09/2018 14:30

If he's stressed all the time, and to the point he can't function enough to sort his own tax things out, then I seriously question him being able to run a successful business.

He's not organised op, how the hell is the business functioning properly? It's probably not, hence he's stressed. I hope you don't find out there's loads of debt and he's out of control with it all.

Dig a bit deeper, see what's really going on

Singlenotsingle · 26/09/2018 18:35

Has nobody told you "a woman's work is never done"? There's a lot of truth in these old sayings. Hmm

TheSandgroper · 27/09/2018 07:18

If you have taken on the hmrc, I hope you are a partner in the business or are taken on as a waged employee. To take on that level of responsibility with no recognition is enormous cfery, I rather think.

TheSandgroper · 27/09/2018 07:19

Sorry, I should’ve previewed. To edit

That’s enormous cfery on his part.

Sunnyjac · 27/09/2018 07:47

Don’t have kids with him, it will get exponentially worse

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