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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Still living with his ex

39 replies

Sunshineyogi79 · 25/09/2018 16:14

Hello

Searching for some unbiased opinions here...wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable.

I have just broken up with my boyfriend of 5 months. After 1 month he told me his ex was still living in his house as she was trying to buy a place and that she Would be moving out mid June. After that date passed I started to ask questions, ask him to talk to her, see what was happening. He didn't do anything. We had a huge argument late July and broke up...but then he said he would talk to.her and I was going on holiday so I gave him another chance. When I came back we had another argument because he was suspicious of my behaviour whilst I was away because he saw an innocent text and got the wrong idea. So there was his excuse for not speaking to the ex because he had been too upset.

Then apparently she wasn't there for the whole of August. We went away together end of August. He stayed away for longer. We had a wonderful time together. When he got back he broke up with me after I had a male friend over one Saturday night for a takeaway. I knew he didn't like me spending time with my male friends but we really disagree on this...I've always had male friends.

I stupidly begged and pleaded forgiveness but he wouldn't budge said he needed more time etc. In the end I got so angry I realised he wasn't worth it so I effectively dumped him a few days later.

A few days later he comes back tail between his legs apologising, I said no...we have too many problems, jealousy, communication and your ex. He wanted to meet me and talk and i said absolutely not until you have talked to your ex and asked her to move out. I said don't contact me over the weekend. So yesterday he gets in touch again, still hasn't talked to her but says she is definitely there because her food is in the kitchen.

It's my birthday in 2 weeks and I've been adamant and said I will not see him until he talks to her and that if I spend my birthday without him I won't be able to forgive that. He said relax baby there's no time limit to which I got angry and said yes there is ! You have until the end of the week.. you've had 3 months! He responds and says because of this conversation he won't have the conversation this week as I'm forcing him. To me it's just one excuse after another and he's never going to have the conversation with her. He's a coward and is just waiting for her to tell him the news. But he hasn't had an update since April!

Last night in the end i said that's it. It's fully over. I've blocked him so he can't contact me as he keeps getting in touch telling me he misses me and he's been crying etc but yet he's putting her feelings before mine.

They broke up in December 9 months ago. She lives in the spare room rent free. When she asked to stay he said yes you can stay as long as you want not thinking he would get into a relationship so soon after. He says he loves me he has no feelings for her he wants to live with me have children with me etc. But I just think I'm being taken for a mug. He says he doesn't like to go back on his word when he said she could stay and that she won't be there forever.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 25/09/2018 16:22

Honestly?

He's suspicious of you because he's the one up to something, not you.

He's really not worth it. After 5 months?!! This should be a wonderful, fun period, not a break up/make up/break up cos he's a twat period...

noego · 25/09/2018 16:26

All this drama in just 5 months!!

Red flags are flying very high OP.

Graphista · 25/09/2018 16:26

Nah! Way too much drama!

There's a distinct possibility you're the ow for starters, even if you're not he's jealous and possessive and thoughtlessly disrespectful of your feelings. You can do better, ANYONE could.

Seniorschoolmum · 25/09/2018 16:26

He’s not worth the bother. There are much kinder, more straightforward and honest men out there. Treat yourself to a new man Wine

hellsbellsmelons · 25/09/2018 16:29

What a controlling, manipulative asshole.
Why are you still with him???
Just re-read your OP carefully and thoughtfully.
What would you tell a friend who said this?
You know what you would tell her.
He's still with his ex.
He's having his cake and eating it.
He's making every excuse under the sun not to talk to the ex.
Why??????
And then he's blaming your for his inaction and lack of back-bone.
Fuck him off.
He's a waste of skin and deep down, you know it!

gingeristhenewblack43 · 25/09/2018 16:30

Have you been to 'his house'? Sounds like it's her house and he's the one stalling leaving.

Sunshineyogi79 · 25/09/2018 16:35

No I've not been to his house...

Right now No we are not together. I've asked him not to contact me ever again and ice blocked him too as it's just enough excuses...but there is always that small chance I'm wrong...I'm hurting today...You know how it is.

He's been very kind and generous tomo, really thoughtful. We see a lot of each other, he wants to do everything for me and with except this!.

They were together for 9 years and broke up because he wants kids and she doesn't.

He's not very good at discussing things or confrontation and I feel that there is nothing sneaky going on...he just doesn't want to go back on his word and hurt her even more by asking her to leave.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 25/09/2018 16:39

Does she know about you?

Have you met her?

Do you go round there?

Sunshineyogi79 · 25/09/2018 16:43

I've not been to the house, never met her, she doesn't know about me. He said he hasn't even seem her for 2 months. He only sleeps there...He's out a lot , says all his meals out and she works till 9 whilst he works in the day . They don't hqv3 a shared lounge as that a where she sleeps and he doesn't use the kitchen

OP posts:
formerbabe · 25/09/2018 16:46

So how do you know that they have split up then? Are you just taking his word for it?

PatriciaHolm · 25/09/2018 16:51

All of which you only have his word for.

ZestyMaximus · 25/09/2018 16:52

It sounds very much as though they're still together. He's making up all the stuff about sleeping arrangements, never seeing her etc to calm you down and accept the situation. I imagine that when he's out with you he tells her that he's meeting a friend / boring work do etc. Looks like you're the other woman.

ElspethFlashman · 25/09/2018 16:54

Good god love wake up. Every word of that is an obvious lie.

Sunshineyogi79 · 25/09/2018 16:55

Wow I really never thought that was possible. We see each other 3/4;times a week. Spend most of sat and Sunday together...went to Spain together...but hmmm that was whilst she was apparently at home in Italy for the month .

He texts me non stop I don't know how he would have time for both of us.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 25/09/2018 16:56

Hew not worth it. Why put up with this nonsense. It's ridiculous.

Sunshineyogi79 · 25/09/2018 16:56

He's even introduced me to friends as his girlfriend and posted stuff on his Facebook and Instagram about us..

OP posts:
formerbabe · 25/09/2018 16:58

Wow I really never thought that was possible

Bless you

InglouriousBasterd · 25/09/2018 16:58

I had this., they were ‘waiting for the divorce to come through’

They were very much together and having a baby.

Run, seriously.

SummerStrong · 25/09/2018 17:01

He's still sleeping with her. She doesn't know about you. You are the other woman.

Run like your tampon string is on fire!

Adora10 · 25/09/2018 17:03

Honestly OP, wise up, he'd do anything for you other than put you before his ex; is explanation of their living arrangements sounds dodgy as, and why have you not visited his home, he's keeping you two well apart isn't he; personally I'd have binned him off as soon as I smelt a rat; you are just wasting your time, he's not interested in forging any kind of commitment with you, if he did, he'd have sacked her off a long time ago.

Sunshineyogi79 · 25/09/2018 17:07

I tried to break up with him but he said she was away for August and hadn't seen her.

Oh well. How could I not see this?

OP posts:
Adora10 · 25/09/2018 17:09

He might not be having an actual relationship with her, perhaps they are just friends with benefits but honestly I think there is something between them otherwise he'd have told her to go and why; it's not rocket science.

AfterSchoolWorry · 25/09/2018 17:12

He wanted kids, she didn't. So she broke up with him. He's stringing you along OP.

He's letting her live there rent free! He's not doing that out of the kindness of his heart. I'd say he still wants her back.

Sunshineyogi79 · 25/09/2018 17:19

He says he finished it with her and he doesn't want her back. He wants me he loves me bla bla.

He messages my friends when I've blocked him previously to find out how I am. He even signed up to a 4 day personal development training course they I reccomended he do so he can learn to open up a bit more..

But yeah...I think you Are all right and I've been naive. He just seems so sweet and innocent, hes not English, from Croatia and since we met he started taking lessons because I initially broke it off with him because of the communication.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/09/2018 17:21

Breaking up with him was definitely the right thing to do.

He either a weak loser who can't face asking her to move out. Or he's playing you both. Either way he's a complete loser.

Not to mention the jealousy thing. Massive red flag.

Well done for blocking him.

Hills are that way ========>>>>>
Keep running!