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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

End of Affair and Heartbroken - any advice appreciated

34 replies

sarahmac158 · 25/09/2018 02:24

Hi there - I expect zero sympathy with this thread. Just wanted to find anyone out there who has been through this and has advice for moving on. My marriage went through a very cold patch. My husband became angry and there were lots of put downs in public, angry outbursts etc. In amongst this dark time, I spent an incredible night with an incredible guy I have known on-off for 2 years. He is 2 years younger, has a girlfriend, lives in a different country and was in town for an event. My husband was away so I had 1 very unexpected night of passion. Was totally unplanned. We met by accident. We talked and talked all night, danced till dawn, fooled around and kissed passionately all night (no sex). It was a very explosive emotional connection - felt like meeting my soulmate. I ended it immediately and he left - I have not seen seen him for 6 months but it’s been turmoil. Initially we Whatsapped daily, then comms died down, then started up again etc. I keep ending it and then somehow comms start up again. Sometimes initiated by me and sometimes by him. He phoned me in August and we talked for 2 hours. He said he had never had a connection like this with anyone and was torn about his life. We went through hypothetical scenarios of seeing each other - him moving to my country and me leaving my life and moving to his. Crazy and stupid. Later on text, I again ended it. It’s been 3 weeks of no contact. I am absolutely floored at how 8 hours with him has ruined the past 6 months of my life. I am SO checked out, miserable, depressed. I am trying hard to reboot things with my husband who is being amazing. We are in therapy and trying hard to be better but the addictive preoccupation with what might have been with this other guy is killing me. I know what I did was wrong. I can’t stand the duplicity of any of this. I want to sleep for 3 months and wake up with this pain being over so I can return to my world with 2 feet in vs. my mind always wandering back to a figment of my imagination. I know that real life with him would never match the image in my mind. Fantasy is such a dangerous drug! So to those who have been betrayed, I am sorry you are reading this. I never thought I was susceptible to an affair. Thought I was better than this. Any advice from anyone who has been there?

OP posts:

Straighttalkersneeded · 25/09/2018 02:38

Hi there. I couldn't begin to judge you. I am about to end my emotional affair with someone who has become a lifeline in recent months after chatting online for some time. It has all come to a head and I am going to face up to reality. I have no business offering advice but staying with reality seems critical at this point.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 25/09/2018 02:56

Hi op . You basically said everything you need to know in your post. He’s got a girlfriend, you’re married, he lives in a different country........it was fun, exciting etc but realistically you know it’s going nowhere. If you’re not happy in your marriage then sort that out. Stop lamenting on a fantasy. Get pissed, play music, cry, post on MN. But ultimately, get a grip and move on. Good luck, it’s hard but don’t wallow x

FrancesDestroyed · 25/09/2018 08:41

Please read Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party. You might just begin to understand the damage your and your affair partner's actions cause.

loserlikeme · 25/09/2018 09:45

I think there's a lot of people who understand your situation completely, I totally get it. Basically you can't carry on as you are, my advice would be to cut all contact with the other man. It is wonderful and a short amount of time together always intensifies things, but the reality of you two being together would cause a lot of heartache, pain and anguish. I mean, it could happen, but it would be something you need to think long and hard about. It sounds like you're unhappy in your marriage, I would fully explore that first and it might be that the right thing to do is to leave. Good luck.

Swimminguphill · 25/09/2018 09:58

I think this thread is really interesting, because a lot of people are going to come on here saying lots of things about this situation which add up to the 'marriage vows shouldn't be broken' + 'finish one thing before you start another'. I obviously do agree with both of those sentiments but I also don't think that marriage means putting up with any kind of bad behaviour - if you're mean to someone and don't cherish them (doesn't have to be abuse) then you can lose them.

I wonder whether your obsessive thoughts are related to the fact that this other guy found you attractive, interesting, special and you associate these qualities in yourself with him because he re-awakened your realisation that you do possess them, rather than realising that you have these qualities irrespective of him, or your husband or anyone else. Lots of women - myself included at times - need the other person to be a mirror to our own good qualities in order to recognise them and value them. Obviously you're feeling like crap now, which makes it even harder for you to see those things. All I would say is don't let your light go out.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 25/09/2018 10:02

I won't judge you either. I spent an evening in the company of my ex a year ago and although nothing happened and no feelings were exchanged (beyond him talking in the past and proprosing a night in a hotel which I refused) it fucked up the last year for me. It is an addiction and it is fantasy and the only way to stop it is go no contact. Mine will be always be present in my life to some extent due to extended family connections but we would rarely see each other more than once a year. Yesterday I reached Day 100 of non initiation and although I was sad I was also glad to be away from the highs/lows and second guessing. He has a gf and you have a H. Until that changes you can't be with him. I would also say don't leave your H for him. Leave your H for you.

rememberatime · 25/09/2018 10:27

I also get the addictive nature of the online affair. Despite knowing it is wrong, it is so easy to continue. If you truly love your husband and want it to work with him then your only option is to focus on that. But perhaps, giving that a time limit might make you more focused. Maybe say to yourself that you are going to give your marriage 100% for six months with no distractions. Giving it a time limit will make it easier to move on form your online thing. You can revisit in another six months - when it is likely to be less of a distraction.

lettyspaghetti · 25/09/2018 11:35

I'm not going to judge either, I know exactly how you feel. Just try and be strong and take one day at a time. Fantasy is one thing, the everyday life you choose to live another entirely.

SuperSuperSuper · 25/09/2018 14:08

I know how you feel OP. I wish you strength and luck x

Adora10 · 25/09/2018 14:10

You can't work on a marriage when still in contact with your affair; it just makes a mockery of your marriage, the only way to move on and actually work on your marriage is to block him on everything; it's probably the not being able to have each other that gives you the buzz; obviously that's more important than hurting and deceiving your husband, maybe use this as a time to actually own up to whether you want to continue in this sham of a marriage; it's actually ok to be single, you don't need to have a man.

3luckystars · 25/09/2018 14:44

I just think the ship was sinking and you grabbed on to anything to keep you alive.
I’m definitely not going to judge you but definitely think you need some counseling to help you through this. Good luck x

Original poster

sarahmac158 · 25/09/2018 17:57

Thank you for the sharing and kind advice. I will absolutely take all of it! 🙏

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 25/09/2018 18:00

It’s all fantasy with the other man.

Decide whether or not you want to stay with your DH, and assume that if you do not stay with him things would not work out with OM.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 25/09/2018 18:02

I'm not going to judge you but this is a fantasy and there is absolutely no, none, nada chance of working on or fixing your marriage while your head is full of fantasy.

Now there's some interesting things to tease out of this - my DF and I are both having rough patches just now and have talked about how the 'death by a thousand cuts' scenario makes you vulnerable to this kind of thing. It also, conversely, can make you hold onto a marriage that actually needs to end because you can have your emotional needs fulfilled elsewhere. So you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Really the only solution is to wake up and smell the coffee. Either work on your marriage or end it. But chasing dreams won't do you any favours in the long run.

Dadaist · 25/09/2018 18:20

Anyone who has the same experience can tell you there is one sure cure - and that’s to be open and honest with your DH about what has gone on. You’ll never have a real and genuine marriage if you can proceed with couples counselling while deceiving everyone about what is actually at the root of your issues - that you have developed feelings and are heavily projecting your needs into someone else. As soon as you make this real to the rest of your life - and the hurt it causes, the sooner you will wake up from this fantasy/nightmare.

Yes you’re addicted and intoxicated and unable to think straight - and you are like a drink driver in charge of other passengers - so tell them the truth, or stop the journey.
I’m not judging where you’ve been OP - people get caught up in their own needs at the expense of others all the time. But I am saying that, right now, you can’t continue to hide this and gaslight your DH and hope for a happy ever after - because you are trying to fix things in one place while ignoring that massive problem that you think might just fade away. And that is causing all the damage now.
And if DH can’t forgive you for the deceit so far - well you have no right to take that decision from him and fool him for years more to come. How could you do that and be happier than you are now?

SoupDragon · 25/09/2018 18:22

Just leave your husband. You obviously don’t want to be with him.

Jane1727 · 25/09/2018 18:26

I am not going to judge. Yes, people shouldn't cheat but let's be honest in reality life is not that simple. We are all human and we make mistakes and can be tempted. Marriage is hard and I don't know many where at some point someone hasn't gone through a bad patch. I am not saying all cheat but some do and can get through it. If someone cheats it does not mean necessarily that they do not love their partner or that they do not care about their feelings. How anyone can make that judgement without knowing the full situation I do not know.
It is all fantasy but maybe something is missing in your relationship and you need more. Co to us to try and work on your marriage and try and forget this night of passion. Good luck to you

Dadaist · 26/09/2018 08:15

Your DH thinks counselling is about fixing his part to fix your relationship- to sort out how he’s being the problem -

From another thread...

Gas lighting 33
23/09/2018 11:57 onemoresmartie

Is the worst form of emotional abuse! Being made to believe that I am the problem when I know I'm not. I have a good heart and I know I'm a good person
Any tips for dealing with this?

23/09/2018 12:00 Hellywelly10

Run (fast).

Loopytiles · 26/09/2018 09:03

3 years plus of sadness and no sex with change seeming unlikely is more than enough reason to leave IMO!

Virtuallyconfused · 26/09/2018 09:57

As someone who is having an online affair, it's hard to give up that relationship in hope that I can make my marriage better.

What it does at the moment is make me happy and my marriage bearable. It also makes me realise that I need, and deserve, more and I will work on making changes in my marriage. If they don't work, then maybe I will take the next step.

And, really? I really like this other person....

In the end only you know what is the right thing to do. Where do you want to be in 10 years? And who with?

VirtuallyConfused · 26/09/2018 10:01

...and no, I never thought I would be in this situation or do the things I am doing.

My mind is full of another person in a way that would have seemed made a few months ago. But, at least for now, I have no regrets.

FrancesDestroyed · 26/09/2018 10:42

What about the other person's partner, you have taken away their choice and sexual safety/health.

VirtuallyConfused · 26/09/2018 10:50

If that comment is in regards to me Frances then our affair is purely online, so sexual health is not an issue.

We tell ourselves that it's not cheating until we meet up in person and have decided that we won't for that reason.

FrancesDestroyed · 26/09/2018 15:50

You are cheating, you will destroy your affair partner's life, self-esteem and trust in people.

You are knowingly having an emotional affair with someone that you know has a real life partner.
Does he have children too?

FrancesDestroyed · 26/09/2018 15:50

Affair partner's partner's!!

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