End of Affair and Heartbroken - any advice appreciated

[sarahmac158]

Hi there - I expect zero sympathy with this thread. Just wanted to find anyone out there who has been through this and has advice for moving on. My marriage went through a very cold patch. My husband became angry and there were lots of put downs in public, angry outbursts etc. In amongst this dark time, I spent an incredible night with an incredible guy I have known on-off for 2 years. He is 2 years younger, has a girlfriend, lives in a different country and was in town for an event. My husband was away so I had 1 very unexpected night of passion. Was totally unplanned. We met by accident. We talked and talked all night, danced till dawn, fooled around and kissed passionately all night (no sex). It was a very explosive emotional connection - felt like meeting my soulmate. I ended it immediately and he left - I have not seen seen him for 6 months but it’s been turmoil. Initially we Whatsapped daily, then comms died down, then started up again etc. I keep ending it and then somehow comms start up again. Sometimes initiated by me and sometimes by him. He phoned me in August and we talked for 2 hours. He said he had never had a connection like this with anyone and was torn about his life. We went through hypothetical scenarios of seeing each other - him moving to my country and me leaving my life and moving to his. Crazy and stupid. Later on text, I again ended it. It’s been 3 weeks of no contact. I am absolutely floored at how 8 hours with him has ruined the past 6 months of my life. I am SO checked out, miserable, depressed. I am trying hard to reboot things with my husband who is being amazing. We are in therapy and trying hard to be better but the addictive preoccupation with what might have been with this other guy is killing me. I know what I did was wrong. I can’t stand the duplicity of any of this. I want to sleep for 3 months and wake up with this pain being over so I can return to my world with 2 feet in vs. my mind always wandering back to a figment of my imagination. I know that real life with him would never match the image in my mind. Fantasy is such a dangerous drug! So to those who have been betrayed, I am sorry you are reading this. I never thought I was susceptible to an affair. Thought I was better than this. Any advice from anyone who has been there?

Dadaist, I hear you. My DH does know about what happened. We are dealing with it in therapy. No gaslighting. I am owning my shit.

I simply don’t know how to stop the ruminative preoccupation with the OM. It’s been challenging. Knowing it’s a fantasy doesn’t help this romantic snap out of it 😥

I just think the ship was sinking and you grabbed on to anything to keep you alive.

This made me feel a little emotional - I had what called be called an EA and this perfectly helps me understand why.

No judgement from me OP x

Lots of people try to justify their affairs on here.

There is no justification. You cheated, end of story. You didn't need to cheat, but you still did. My ex raped me, mentally and emotionally abused me. That probably seems like justification to some to cheat on him but I didn't. Because I'm the better person. You aren't. You're just as bad. He broke vows by not treating you nicely. You broke them by cheating on him.

Leave him. You're never going to get over your fantasy and you're just going to do it again. Can bet whenever the OM gets back in touch you will be straight in there. You are not loyal to your husband and he should be able to find someone who is.

Fantasy is just that. It's an escape from reality. Your reality is very different now compared to when you had that night. Your dh knows what happened that night but I'm guessing not the contact since or the strength of your on going feelings.

Do you love your dh?
Do you want to be with him forever?
Do you still need rescuing like you did that night?

You need to make an actual decision- are you committed to your dh? If you are then delete and block the other man. Every time you are tempted to contact him come here instead.

I wouldn't judge you at all and totally see how this can happen. Whatever anyone says I do think it's very hard to just be with one person forever and never have a physical or mental attraction to other people i believe that's natural. Then throw in a rough patch , falling into a rut , bordem , your partner not treating you right I think this kind of thing is fairly common. You have rd your husband , taken responsibility and are trying to fix it so I would never judge you.

Op I really feel for you and would never judge. I’ve been having an online “affair” with a man for over a year. There was a period of intense texting, talk of meeting up, sexting.. I’ve ended it many times but we always end up back in contact. Now he insists he wants to be friends. We’re not friends and never have been so I’m really trying to cut all contact. I’ve become depressed, very distant from my family, even my three children, I just want to sleep all the time and wake up forgetting any of this happened. I never, ever meant for any of it to happen but like you my relationship had grown cold and this man sent warm friendly, loving messages... day and night and before I knew it i was hooked. I look back and feel deeply ashamed, I believe he used me for an ego boost and is probably doing the same thing to someone else.

I’ve been with my partner for over 20 years and during that time I have never been unfaithful so I really never imagined I could get into the situation I’m in now. I guess I was just very, very lonely.

My advice to you would be to keep busy, be kind to yourself, cry when you want to and take pleasure from the simple things in life, the real and the important things.

It's not a situation you've got into, it's a conscious series of choices you have made over a sustained period of time.
Your affair partner's wife has not got the choice or the information that you have.
Take responsibility for your own actions.
It won't be a thrilling fantasy for his wife and family or your husband and family, it will be a living nightmare.

You’re right Frances and I’ve made some very terrible choices over the last year and i regret them and I’ll never make them again. I know, through mutual friends that this is the kind of thing he’s done since before they were even married - so I’m not the first or last and I feel sad for his wife.

It's like finding out Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy aren't real...Affairs seems to be just chemical reactions

brainworldmagazine.com/flame-addiction-neuroscience-infidelity/