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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not want to be mean but..

35 replies

WorthEveryPenny · 24/09/2018 21:24

It’s DH birthday tomorrow. He has been a total ass today, demanding so much attention when I was at work (he was off) , felt sorry for himself all day and did not move a finger to help with any jobs - house is a tip. Fed himself and kids out (lots of things to eat up so I am not massively bothered) but since I got back tonight he has been awful to me and ended up telling me to shut up in front of kids and later on to f* off (he made a mess in a kitchen, and left it - I just asked if he could clean it up). I ended up doing bedtime and now he is fast asleep. I don’t want to be mean but why should I bother to make an effort tomorrow ??? What would you do?

OP posts:
Caselgarcia · 24/09/2018 21:26

Absolutely not. I'd tell him I was going to shut up and fuck off somewhere on my own as instructed.

isseywithcats · 24/09/2018 21:26

if my other half had been like that today i would get up[ tomorrow totally ignore the fact it is his birthday not say a word and wait for him to notice, then when he says dont i get happy birthday i would say after yesterday no way, treat people the way you want to be treated and they might be nicer to you

HereIgoagainxx · 24/09/2018 21:27

No I wouldn't bother. How dare he tell you to fcuk off. Is he often that rude?

tissuebox · 24/09/2018 21:28

Absolutely do not lift a finger to do anything for him. If you have a card already, write “ I hope you have the birthday you deserve” in it!

Thatstheendofmytether · 24/09/2018 21:29

I would tell him to fuck off. What's his problem?

Claw001 · 24/09/2018 21:29

I think it being his birthday tomorrow is the least of your worries!

Awrite · 24/09/2018 21:30

Can you make a card with the words 'Fuck off' and 'Shut up' on it?

Claw001 · 24/09/2018 21:31

He is always like this or just today? Does he usually help? Is he usually rude and disrespectful to you? Just a one off? Having a bad day?

Original poster
WorthEveryPenny · 24/09/2018 21:33

He has been rude a lot recently. I basically usually remove myself from situation and demand apology in front of kids - otherwise don’t engage in conversation and I explain to them that I won’t talk to daddy until he apologies and starts to be nice. This evening I had enough and just left the house for few mins (I would have gone for longer but wanted to settle kiddies to bed). He tried to make some sort of contact when I got back but I ignored him being busy with kids and now he is asleep.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 24/09/2018 21:33

No he owes you an apology at the very least before you do any "happy families".

Original poster
WorthEveryPenny · 24/09/2018 21:35

I am pretty considerate person and understand he is very stressed at the moment but it’s a bit too much. I hate not making an effort for others and don’t want kids to not do it tomorrow though (they too small to make a bday fuss on their own)

OP posts:
PickAChew · 24/09/2018 21:38

Tell him that maybe, this birthday, he'll become an adult. Then shut up and fuck off and leave him to wallow.

Hopoindown31 · 24/09/2018 21:39

Why is he stressed?

Original poster
WorthEveryPenny · 24/09/2018 21:41

Stressed about work mainly. Lots of pressure there.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 24/09/2018 21:43

Is this new? Is it a temporary thing?

eelbecomingforyou · 24/09/2018 21:44

Being stressed at work is no excuse to be such a shit. Poor you. Sounds like has for: for this. His day off - he does nothing and leaves everything for you to do after work? Fuck that! I’d ignore his bday tomorrow. If he asks, tell him to fuck off and shut up, and see how he likes it.

Claw001 · 24/09/2018 21:44

So he usually helps out around the house etc, today was an exception? He has been rude a lot recently in front of the kids? Why is he ‘very stressed’ at moment? Can’t do paragraphs for some reason!

Claw001 · 24/09/2018 21:48

Speak to him tomorrow about his rudeness? It’s unacceptable, he needs to apologise and stop doing it. I think if he apologises and is sincere, then carry on as normal. I think dragging it on, is a bit pointless, creates an atsmosphere.

Original poster
WorthEveryPenny · 24/09/2018 21:49

He goes through phases of being great helping out and then not helping at all.. he will say that I did not do xyz (which is mainly because i would have forgotten or did not get chance - working full time) so he won’t bother either.. He’s basically turning more and more nasty recently and usually I am told it is me who prompted that behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
WorthEveryPenny · 24/09/2018 21:51

Claw001 - well I always make him apologise but often I feel it is insincere and only done to move on.. it’s almost as my response is not drastic enough to make him change his way ifkwim?

OP posts:
Claw001 · 24/09/2018 21:52

So all his behaviour is not a one off, but a regular occurrence. You need to have a serious chat.

Claw001 · 24/09/2018 21:54

I think you not bothering with his birthday is a bit tit tat. You do need to have a serious chat however.

Honeyroar · 24/09/2018 21:57

Id still let the children take their cards and presents in, they've not been shouted at, but I wouldn't be making much fuss on my own part.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/09/2018 22:09

If I were you I would indeed fuck off.

ginswinger · 24/09/2018 22:11

Marriages thrive on communication and kindness. I think you need to have a good heart to heart with one another and remind each other why you're there.