Not want to be mean but..

[WorthEveryPenny]

It’s DH birthday tomorrow. He has been a total ass today, demanding so much attention when I was at work (he was off) , felt sorry for himself all day and did not move a finger to help with any jobs - house is a tip. Fed himself and kids out (lots of things to eat up so I am not massively bothered) but since I got back tonight he has been awful to me and ended up telling me to shut up in front of kids and later on to f* off (he made a mess in a kitchen, and left it - I just asked if he could clean it up). I ended up doing bedtime and now he is fast asleep. I don’t want to be mean but why should I bother to make an effort tomorrow ??? What would you do?

What Honeyroar said

Thanks all for your comments. I will get kids to make a fuss with cards , presents. That’s all. Won’t be rushing to bake him a cake! I am finding it so hard to stay calm and mature in my response. Need to find a good moment to address it

I think dragging it on, is a bit pointless, creates an atsmosphere. [still no paragrapsh today! Argh!! @MNHQ??) I don't think OP should put aside her own hurt and anger just to appease her shitty husband and so there's not an 'atmosphere'. If there is, it's of his making. She should not put his feelings above hers. OP, if my h told me to fuck off and was a rude twat, I wouldn't be calm or mature. I'd be hurt, angry and diappointed. And I wouldn't do anything special for his bday.

Hi OP - I hope you've not pandered to him on his birthday. Hold firm. He's being an asshole!

You both work full time? He is the father of the children? You are married. He lives in the house. And yet he is merely your "helper" phases of being great helping out and then not helping at all He's being a cock obviously but why is he just your little helper? Why don't you demand he behave like an equal? Is it because yet again men are allowed to leave all their work to someone else if they have a grump, sulk, stomp around?

I have had phases of being massively undet pressure at work, with crazy hours, and I have never talked to my DP like that. I think you have a much deeper problem than just one day of bad behavior.

OP
Is there a cycle to this behaviour? By that I mean does tension build around housework causing an argument. He gets nasty and you become angry. He then apologises but doesn’t mean it and is resentful. Tension builds again.

If so, I would break the cycle. Yes help the children do his birthday and give him a card. Let the day pass then ask for a calm sit down. Don’t angle for an apology. You need real change and recognition that things aren’t right. If he can’t cope with Stress he needs to recognise this and do something about it.
Ultimately the kids will suffer. By the sounds of they must be seeing abuse, anger, apology and ever decreasing periods of calm repeated

Eel I didn’t say OP should put aside her feelings and hurt. I said his behaviour is unacceptable, his birthday is the least of her worries and they need to have a serious chat.

Dragging on ill feeling, sulking etc instead of communicating how you feel, is pointless IMO.

Wow, this brought back memories for me. Ex H used to get all upset, grumpy, and selfish before his birthday and I'd have to make such an effort to pander to him & try to plan 'special things' ... because of the impending birthday all focus was meant to be on him & his aging-related angst, never mind about kids/house/everyday life. That's what I thought when I read your OP (reading from my own situation!) so if your DH isn't usually like that it may be that a reality check in the form of a FU birthday card might do the trick. Good idea to let the kids make a fuss but there's no excuse for treating you badly or taking out his grumpiness on you & if I could turn the clock back I'd never again put up with being called names, doubly unforgivable in front of the DCs.

It's XH's birthday in a few days and I'm giggling with delight that I don't have to do anything for him this year! Funny how I used to dread this time of year loving my life now that I'm free of the selfish, grumpy joy killer.

What happened OP, did he say anything, apologise?