would you have married this man

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I am about to be divorced. DH is an alcoholic. I knew he drank a lot, but didn't know he was a secret drinker. It is for the best, and I am calm and positive about the divorce. However, I have been wondering about two incidents that took place while we engaged. Can you help me to process them? 1 When we were engaged in sexting-type activity, he started to record a video of me without my consent. I spotted it pretty soon, and he deleted it and it never happened again. 2 I found the search "teen pussy" on his phone. I tackled him about this, at first he was defensive, then he apologised, and, as far as I know, it didn't happen again. I know it's a long time ago now, but for some reason I am thinking about these incidents a lot. They have nothing to do with the alcoholism, but were they massive red flags? The two incidents caused a lot of upset and drama, but I never thought of leaving him because of them. Should I have? What would you have done? Thank you. And apologies as MN has no paragraphs today!

I don't think there's anything to be gained from "what if" ing. It would be easy for any of us to read your post and say that of course we wouldn't have married him, and it's obvious that the relationship wasn't healthy, but we weren't there, and we're not you. The older I get (I'm 51), the more I realise how much we need to forgive ourselves for our mistakes - it's easy to say we'd never do something, or that we know how we'd react, but until we've been there we never really know.

I’ll disagree with the PP and say that sometimes a bit of reflection and asking what other people’s line in the sand is, can be really helpful for future relationships. For me personally, incident 1 would have me a bit but not a relationship ending event, but 2 would have me running for the hills - because we all know when he was searching the internet for teen pussy it wasn’t really 18/19 year olds he was probably looking for... and yeah yeah someone will come along and say they’re all actors above the legal age blah blah but it comes down to the fact that his sexual fantasies include teenagers.

Hmm. The filming me without my consent I would have gone batshit about.

I wouldn't have married him if he filmed me without my consent and also looked up potentially underage girls. This should have been obvious to you, have you looked at the freedom programme to help you avoid this sort of shitbag in future?

I did go batshit. But should I have dumped him? I agree with the PP about no point in what-ifing, but I am wondering if I just have very low standards, boundaries or whatever. The teen pussy concerned me a lot as we have DD, but apart from that there was never ever a hint of sexual impropriety, OW or infidelity. I did a lot of research about it, and didn't dump him. I suppose I just want to know what others would have done. Like you say, would it have been a line in the sand for you?

Neither would have been enough to put me off marrying someone I really liked. Teenagers will be eighteen and over, by definition. And I wouldn't have been bothered about a video whether I was asked or not, since I would presume it was for his eyes only, if I trusted him, which I'm assuming I would in this scenario.

Yes, that's exactly it. I don't feel abused or oppressed at all, but have I behaved like a pushover / fool / victim? I don't have a record for shitbags at all. Was I just a massive idiot?

Honestly if you'd marry someone who filmed you naked without your consent then you need to set your bar about 10 feet higher. Seriously

It was only a few seconds and it was focused on one body part, but yes I am afraid you might be right.

For me the filming would have been impossible to come back from. The disrespect and duplicity involved in that is a warning sign I think.

Yes. Although it never happened again. What was I thinking of?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing OP, isn't it? But to answer your question, no, I sincerely hope that I wouldn't have continued a relationship with him, let alone married him, based on the filming and search you mention. There can also be some connection between alcohol abuse and sexual deviance for some people. The heavy drinking I'd need to know more about, but would be a concern even before alcoholism became apparent. The drinking would possibly have been less of a concern to my younger self than it would be now. We live and learn, OP. Learn, set your bar higher in future, but look forward, and don't forget to live.

We all look back and think we would have handled issues differently. I'm sorry you're dwelling on these things now but your relationship is over and you can move on, older and wiser. Good luck.

Hi Op, I am in agreement with TheOneWith. The second one was a big red flag and I would have walked away based on who I am now. I too used to ignore red flags but not anymore. It is difficult to remember how inexperienced I was back then as there is a tendancy to think we are wise enough. Good luck with the divorce.

I wouldnt have married an alcoholic full stop. Sometimes its not until later we put all the little pieces together and have a eureka moment but its difficult to see clearly when you are actually in the situation as emotions can cloud yr judgement. Consider it all then put it out of yr mind and move on. You would be an idiot if you were still with him. Youre not. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Smile to yrself that yr free of him.

Yes, I am so much happier now. I knew he drank heavily but had no idea about the secret drinking. There was never any sexual impropriety after those two incidents either. I was a fool. In hindsight, I knew I was a fool, but I was lonely. I don't feel like that now.Things are much better now.

I agree with PP that this is a really useful exercise, to avoid making the same mistakes again, we all know women who repeatedly end up men who treat them badly. Both of those would be deal breakers for me, they each say a lot a out who the man is, even if they were "one offs"

There's not much point beating yourself up about it now. You were in love and consequently made a tactical error. You are not the first and you certainly won't be the last.

@Shoxfordian it wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't expect the love of my life to ask to film me any more than I'd expect them to ask if they could take a photograph of me.

Neither would be dealbreakers for me
In the context of an otherwise happy relationship. His reaction to my response to the video would be more important than the act itself. & let's be honest, ALL men watch teenage pornstars (18-19 year olds), it's both a social norm and has evolutionary underpinnings too

To me teen is just a porn category and I think we're entitled to sexual privacy online so long as it is legal but the first was out of order.

evolutionary underpinnings Isn't that thought to be deterministic bullshit, devoid of any acknowledgement of the complex cultural specialities that are known to have existed and to exist across space and through time?

It absolutely has evolutionary grounds.

let's be honest, ALL men watch teenage pornstars

'Teen' is a mainstream porn category that isn't illegal/underage in any way. If you can't be with someone who views porn then that's fair enough, but no need to make out like he's deviant for viewing one of the most popular/searches porn categories.

Filming without your consent - not on at all but we are all warned against sexting for that very reason.